DEAR NATALIE: I recently found out that I was adopted. I’m 24-years-old and I would have never known, but I took one of those DNA tests. My parents have never mentioned this to me and no one in my family has, either. I feel incredibly betrayed. I don’t know how I am going to confront them. I’ve always had a fairly good relationship with them and currently live at home while I go to grad school. How do I even bring this up? I only did the test out of curiosity when my girlfriend decided to do it, but this is just a whole other level I was not expecting. She was shocked and told me I should definitely confront them. What should I do? – NOT WHO I THINK I AM

DEAR NOT WHO I THINK I AM: You absolutely need to have a conversation with your parents. It’s a little odd that no one in your extended family ever told you, either by accident or intentionally. Clearly, your parents wanted to keep this a secret from you. But why? Were they afraid you would feel bad about being adopted? Were they worried you’d want to seek out your birth parents? Whatever the case, it wasn’t fair that you found out the way you did. You deserve an explanation. Adoption creates complex identity issues that are hard enough to navigate when you know you were adopted. Adding this shock to the mix feels unnecessarily cruel. Sit your parents down and tell them you found out through the DNA tests. Ask if it’s true, and if so, why they chose to lie to you throughout your life. Were they trying to protect you, or themselves? Those are fair questions to ask. And remember: whatever they say, you’re allowed to feel however you need to feel as you process this life-altering information. Make sure you have therapeutic support if you need it. Going to therapy with your parents could also help. Don’t be afraid to ask the hard questions. This is your life, and you have a right to know your own origin story.

DEAR NATALIE: My mother has a problem with money. She doesn’t know how to save a single dollar and she is constantly asking me for money. She never pays me back but always says it is a ‘loan.’ My husband and I both have great careers and can easily afford to help her. I know she buys things online all the time. When I walk in her apartment, there are always Amazon boxes stacked up against the door. She claims she is “returning things” but clearly she is living beyond her means. I love her so much. She is such a good person, but I think she is taking advantage of me at this point. But, I worry if I don’t help her, she will lose her apartment. What should I do? She’s pushing 70 and I hate to see her continue to work like she has done her whole life. How can I help her without enabling her?

– I LOVE MY MOM

DEAR I LOVE MY MOM: Boundaries are hard with the people we love — especially with the people who raised us. I’m torn on what to say because I understand that you want to protect your mom from herself, which is why you pay her rent. I also understand that you feel taken advantage of, and it isn’t your responsibility to manage her finances. But she’s your mom, and you love her. Instead of “loaning” her money every month, I see a few options that might make more sense. The first option: Don’t give her money anymore. Instead, pay her rent directly so the largest bill is off her plate. At least this way, you know she’ll always have a roof over her head. Option two: If you have enough cash on hand, would you consider buying an investment property and letting her live there? That way, you’re not just throwing money away each month but building equity. The house or condo would be in your name, and your mom could live there rent-free. Some people might think these options are too soft — that you need to show your mom some “tough love.” But it sounds to me like she’s a woman who’s worked hard all her life, probably without much financial education or guidance, and has had to make do. If you can ease her burden and care for her in this way and at this stage of her life, why not do it? Sure, you can tell her that you worry about her spending habits. Maybe you can help her set up an appointment with a financial planner to get her on a better track. Perhaps she’ll turn over a new leaf. But just in case she doesn’t, at least this way she’ll have a safe place to live.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie” Bencivenga now streaming on YouTube.

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DEAR NATALIE: My mother is one of those women who can’t be without a boyfriend. My whole life it’s been a revolving door of men. Now that I’m a mom, I can’t imagine putting my child second to my latest relationship. I brought this up with my mom as we started planning some holiday outings. I wanted to have a few fun family events with all of us — my husband, our child, and my mom — since my child is finally old enough to really enjoy the season. My mom immediately asked if she could bring her new boyfriend along. When I asked why, she said she didn’t want to feel like a “third wheel.” I reminded her that my husband and I never make her feel that way and that this isn’t a double date, it’s a family outing with her grandchild. She said she didn’t want to come unless her boyfriend could join us. I’m at a total loss. I don’t understand why she does this, and I don’t feel comfortable having random men around my child. How do I set a boundary without pushing her away? I love my mom, but I just hate this part of our relationship. – SECOND FIDDLE FOR LIFE

DEAR SECOND FIDDLE FOR LIFE: Your mom sounds lonely and insecure, and that’s not something you can fix. It makes sense that this situation is triggering for you, especially given your own experiences growing up. It’s natural to want to protect your child from the same dynamic. Can you find a compromise? Maybe ask your mom to join you for part of the day on her own, and then her boyfriend can meet up later. If she refuses to meet you halfway, tell her that her behavior is hurtful and explain why. Has she ever heard that from you directly? This could be your chance to have an honest conversation about how her choices affected you. It may not be easy, but getting it off your chest could help you avoid carrying resentment for the rest of your life.

DEAR NATALIE: After my divorce, I promised myself I’d never lose my identity in a relationship again. My ex-husband was very controlling, and I married him young. My family adored him, which made things even harder. I’m still rebuilding my relationship with my parents after the divorce. Now that I’m dating again, I catch myself slipping into old habits: trying to be the “cool” girlfriend, never needy, always agreeable. My best friend says I’m doing it again — losing myself to please someone else. I love being in love, but I don’t want to end up resenting another partner who takes over my life. How do I stay open to love without disappearing into someone else’s world again?

- AFRAID TO BE ME

DEAR AFRAID TO BE ME: If you haven’t dated yourself yet, start there. What do you want? What do you believe in? What lights you up? You may not have had the space to explore those questions, especially after marrying young.

Maybe this isn’t the time for another relationship, but rather a time for healing and rediscovery. You’re allowed to set boundaries, even with people you love, and to speak up for yourself. And here’s a little insider tip: When a man says he likes “cool girls,” what he usually means is that he wants someone who won’t challenge him; someone who lets him do what he wants without question. Don’t fall for that. Speak your mind. Stand your ground. The right partner won’t require you to shrink yourself. They’ll walk beside you on your journey. But first, you need to find out what that road looks like.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie” Bencivenga now streaming on YouTube.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear

DEAR NATALIE: I recently found out that my boyfriend has a private Discord account that he’s been using to roleplay as if he’s single. Is this considered cheating? We’ve been together for six months, and as far as I knew, things were going well. But recently, I came across a separate Discord account that he didn’t tell me about. Out of curiosity, I looked into it and realized he’s part of a few private servers where he’s using a completely different username and avatar. He’s been engaging in what looks like roleplay and talking to other people (mostly women, I think) as if he’s single and interested. Some of the conversations are playful, but others are more intimate or borderline romantic. He hasn’t mentioned this to me at all, and when I brought it up, he brushed it off as “just fantasy” and said it’s not real. He claimed it’s a form of stress relief or escapism and that it doesn’t mean anything because it’s not physical. But I feel uncomfortable and honestly kind of betrayed. If the roles were reversed and I was online pretending to be single, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be okay with it. I’m confused because I know we live in a world now where a lot of relationships happen digitally and interact in a lot of ways. But is this crossing a line? And if I feel hurt by it, is that enough to say it’s not okay? – DISTURBED BY DISCORD

DEAR DISTURBED BY DISCORD: For anyone who isn’t familiar with Discord, it is a free chat and voice app where people can hang out in private or public communities, known as servers. It was originally built for gamers but now hosts all kinds of groups, from book clubs to crypto traders and, yes, relationship role-players. Think of it as if Slack + Zoom + Reddit had a wild child. You are both on different pages, it seems, over what you are comfortable with in terms of using these platforms as ways to flirt and roleplay with other people. If this is a dealbreaker for you, let him know now before you commit any more time to this relationship. He may shrug it off, but if the roles were reversed (pun intended) he may not be okay with you acting out fantasies with men in digital spaces. Be clear about your expectations and boundaries. If he can’t meet you where you are and won’t stop doing something that is hurtful to you, then take that as a red flag and walk away. 

DEAR NATALIE: After our parents passed away two years ago, my older brother stopped speaking to me. No fight, no explanation; it’s just silence. We were never super close but we went through a lot of tough stuff together growing up. I always assumed that after everything we’d endured, we’d at least stay in touch. I’ve reached out a few times on birthdays and holidays. He either ignores me or replies with short, cold messages. I’ve asked him directly if something happened or if I upset him, but he won’t answer. The rest of the family says to leave it alone, that “he’ll come around,” but it’s been two years. I go back and forth between missing him and feeling angry. Part of me wants to knock on his door and force a conversation; another part of me feels like I should stop chasing someone who clearly doesn’t want a relationship with me. Do I try one more time, or is it better to accept the loss and move on? And how do you grieve a sibling who’s still alive, just no longer in your life? – AT A LOSS

DEAR AT A LOSS: As a confrontational person, I would be at my brother’s door to ask what is going on with him. This feels as though he is cutting you off because it is too painful for him to see you. Sometimes we are a mirror for people. When he looks at you, what is reflected back is the losses he has experienced. Perhaps it is just too much. Some would say that writing a letter could be a good way to handle your feelings. It would let you get everything out uninterrupted. But how do you know if he ever reads it? And if he does and doesn’t respond, that would be like pouring salt in a wound. I understand you may not want to chase someone, but he is your brother. If you feel strongly about this, keep trying. Perhaps in time, his walls will come down. I hope he deals with his unresolved grief and reaches out to you soon.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: @FactsOverFearNatalieB