DEAR NATALIE: I just got engaged and my partner and I decided to try couple’s therapy ahead of our wedding so that we could work out any problems before we walk down the aisle. I have a lot of trust issues from a previous marriage and it has been impacting my ability to lean into emotional intimacy. Well, after our first session, my partner said he didn’t realize just “how screwed up” my first marriage was and is afraid that we are making a mistake. He said he doesn’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up in a way he wants in a partner. I was totally blindsided by this. We have talked about my trust issues in the past, but never in depth because I was afraid to open up that can of worms. I basically told him that his response is exactly why I don’t want to be vulnerable. Fast forward two weeks and he has since profusely apologized, saying that he was just shocked and needed time to process. But now I feel confused. Should I be with someone who so quickly turned on me? It took me years to recover from the emotional trauma of my past marriage and I finally thought that I was going to marry my best friend, but now I am not sure. How can I move forward? – COLD FEET

DEAR COLD FEET: Continue with couple’s therapy and start individual therapy for yourself. It seems as though he was overwhelmed by what he heard and perhaps had never taken the time to digest what you had been sharing all along. When he had time to sit with his own feelings, he realized he was too harsh on you and has since tried to make amends. This is a good thing. People aren’t perfect and sometimes we react without thinking and from a place of fear. But if a relationship can work on how it repairs after being faced with a problem, then that is the real sign as to how successful it will be. Healing is difficult, painful and takes time. Please be kind to yourself as you work through the layers of trauma from your previous marriage. I applaud you both for taking on the work, for wanting to better yourselves and your relationship. Everyone has baggage, but when you can carry them together, it makes it a lot lighter. Stick to the process and stay connected along the journey. You and your relationship are worth it. 

DEAR NATALIE: My mother is suffering from dementia and my dad refuses to seek a care home for her. They have been happily married for 42 years, but the last three years have been really challenging since her diagnosis. Last week was the final straw for me as I have bit my tongue up to this point on the issue. He came home from the grocery store to find the smoke alarm going off. My mom had tried to make something on the stove, walked away, left it on and whatever it was burned and was filling the kitchen with smoke. She was agitated and upset. She didn’t know how to turn it off and ended up burning her hand. She is ok, thankfully, but my dad called me crying. I ended up staying at their home for a few nights to help him. I realized being there that mom is worse than I thought. I live about 45 minutes away so I try to bring dinner once or twice a week, but I have two small children and a full-time job so it becomes challenging. My husband, who is completely supportive of me, said this is getting completely out of hand. He tried talking to my dad, but my father became angry at the idea of sending mom to a home. He felt that it was a betrayal and said he could never do that. I don’t know what to do, but I am worried for both of their safety. How do I convince him? Can I? – DAUGHTER IN DISTRESS 

DEAR DAUGHTER IN DISTRESS: I am sorry to hear that your family is going through this. It is very clear that your mother needs full-time care. I understand why your dad is afraid to let go in that way, especially after 42 years together. But now their safety is at risk, so you must speak up. I would frame it this way: “Dad, you know that I love you and mom very much. And after the stove incident the other night, I started thinking about what else might happen should you need to step out of the house to pick up her medication or grocery shop. I don’t want you to become a prisoner in your own home and I don’t want mom to possibly injure herself again or worse. Would you at least come with me to look at a few memory care facilities that I found which specialize in what mom may need? It could end up improving her quality of life, and yours, too.” He may not be ready to hear this, but if you frame it in such a way that centers her safety, he may be more open to it. He may also not realize what a toll this is taking on his own health and wellbeing, either. Tread gently and do your research before you connect with him. If anyone is available by phone from a memory care facility close by to help answer any questions he may  have in real time, it may help to ground the situation firmly in the present moment. I wish your family well and hope that both your mom and dad get the care and support they need.

Send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga:

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie Bencivenga” now streaming on YouTube.

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DEAR NATALIE: My oldest sister told me a huge secret about our mom. It’s so explosive I don’t dare write it here for fear that someone we know could read it. It could literally destroy my family. She made me promise not to tell. It involves my brother and my dad. I feel as though they have the right to know but my sister was adamant that I can’t tell anyone. She told me when we were drinking wine or I don’t think she would have let it slip. My mom doesn’t know that I know and it’s tearing me up inside. Do I keep the secret or come clean? Should I at least tell mom that I know? My sister found out accidentally and now it’s this whole thing. What should I do? – SECRETS WITH SIS

DEAR SECRETS WITH SIS: Since the secret is “out,” I would tell your mom that you know what is going on. If for no other reason, the resentment may build if you and her are having to lie to each other when you could just be honest. Now, this does not mean that I think you should tell your dad or your brother. This is your mother’s secret to share, not yours. Telling her that you know is very different than telling your family members who could be impacted or harmed by it. I would not put myself in the middle of their business. “Let sleeping dogs lie” as the saying goes. 

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend still wears a necklace her dead husband gave her. When I asked about it, she said, “It’s just jewelry and it reminds me of him.” We’ve been together for three years and I’ve thought about proposing marriage. But does this mean she hasn’t moved on? Should I be worried, or am I being insecure? I don’t want to ask her about it because I’m afraid she’ll think I’m jealous. But shouldn’t we have a clean start if we are going to get married? What do you think? – IT’S “JUST” JEWELRY

DEAR IT’S “JUST” JEWELRY: If it was “just jewelry,” then you wouldn’t be so upset about it and she wouldn’t be so protective of it. Wearing a piece that her late husband gave her may be her way of honoring his memory. It may not be indicative of the fact that she can’t or hasn’t moved on. But how would you know because you haven’t asked her? If you can’t have awkward conversations with the person you are planning on spending your life with, then how can you possibly propose marriage? Be vulnerable and real with her about your feelings. Open up about your insecurities and be willing to have a difficult conversation. If you can make it through that, then you are well on your way to standing on solid ground should you choose to propose in the future.

Send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga:

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie Bencivenga” now streaming on YouTube.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: @factsoverfearnatalieb

DEAR NATALIE: My best friend married a very controlling guy. He has completely taken over and has locked her out of her social media accounts which she needs as a self-employed photographer. He did so to “teach her a lesson” when she was late to put dinner on the table one night last week. She called me in tears and was trying to figure out a way to get back into her accounts. Finally, he let her back into them today. I told her to stop giving him her updated passwords but she said she’s “afraid” to do that. They have two very small children and while he is the primary breadwinner, she is expected to take care of the family, the home and also work to bring in supplemental income. I think she should leave him before this escalates further, but she said he only acts this way because he loves her. How do I get her to see that this is abuse and not love? –WORRIED FOR MY FRIEND

DEAR WORRIED FOR MY FRIEND: It can be very hard to watch your friend walk down this road of denial and not feel like you can stop her. But this is her journey and she has to come to terms with what is happening to her by this pathetic excuse of a man. If nothing else, you may want to set her up with a divorce attorney so she can understand the legal side of what could happen if she chooses to leave. A financial planner could also be a good match for her, as well, to see how she can start hiding away some money in case of an emergency. At least if she has some ducks in a row, she might feel more empowered to escape when and if she needs to. We know that emotional and psychological abuse can quickly escalate to physical abuse. Financial abuse is often a part of this cycle, which she is experiencing, as well. I am also concerned for her children and what they may be exposed to in that home. Stay in her ear and let her come to the decision on her own with your support. Having worked in a women’s shelter, I know that when women leave, they are most likely to be murdered by their abuser. I hope she gets the support she needs. Perhaps a therapist can help expedite her process so that she and her children can move forward and away from this awful man.  

DEAR NATALIE: I caught my boyfriend texting one of my so-called best friends and it felt borderline inappropriate to me. He says nothing happened. No touching. No kissing. Just “talking.” But I’ve read the texts. Late-night heart emojis. Secret hangouts. Inside jokes I was never part of. It’s gone on for two months and it started the night of my birthday party where we all had dinner together at a restaurant. He says I’m overthinking it and that it’s not cheating unless it’s physical. But I’m sitting here with a pit in my stomach and my relationship suddenly feels hollow. I’m also really upset with her and not even sure how to confront her about this. If my trust is gone, does it matter whether he crossed the technical line? –IS THIS CHEATING

DEAR IS THIS CHEATING: Listen to your gut. The “secret hangouts” part would be enough for me. Not only is all of this wildly inappropriate, but the fact that you confronted him and he is gaslighting you into thinking you are overreacting is disgusting. Dump him and drop your so-called friend. Why is she engaging in this? They are both in the wrong and you need to do what is best for your sanity. I would not want to be looking over his shoulder every time I saw him texting someone. If he is so bold as to text one of your besties, then who else is he chatting with?

Send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga:

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie Bencivenga” now streaming on YouTube.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: @factsoverfearnatalieb