DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have hired a cleaning woman, and she needs money to save for a newer automobile. She has no family in town, so I’m thinking about asking her to work on Thanksgiving by serving us and cleaning up at the family dinner.

She has opened up to me about very private details of her life, so I feel like I know her on a more personal level. How do I treat her at the dinner? I’m not sure the family would like to have a stranger at the table, and I would feel a bit guilty having her sit by herself to eat elsewhere at Thanksgiving.

How do I help her by providing employment without making her feel somehow inferior or lonely?

GENTLE READER: By giving her extra pay for working on a holiday.

Perhaps you will think it callous of Miss Manners not to invoke the Thanksgiving legend of welcoming all to share in the bounty. But it is not only your relatives who would feel awkward if you were to turn her into some hybrid of server and guest.

Is she to jump up between courses and wait on her fellow diners (who will undoubtedly jump up to help)? Is she to sit in silence while family matters are discussed -- or will the family be inhibited from doing so?

Many people work on holidays, or society would come to a standstill. You seem to consider it pitiful, but in some cases, it is heroic. And lots of people have delayed Thanksgiving celebrations, or just skip the ritual.

Your cleaning woman has the option of accepting or rejecting the extra work when she weighs the prospect of the job against the satisfaction of adding to her car fund.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister loves socks and only buys expensive ones. I was visiting her recently, and a favorite pair (gray wool embroidered with red raspberries and green leaves) went missing. She accused me of taking them. I told her I certainly did not.

When I was leaving and she was embracing me goodbye, she whispered, “I know you took my socks. There was nobody here but me and you, and they vanished.” I assured her again I did not take her socks. I do not even wear socks, myself.

Since then, she has posted online, “joking” that I had stolen her socks but would not admit it. I have been humiliated.

Should I deny her accusation online? Should I speak to her pastor? Finally, what does happen to missing socks?

GENTLE READER: Everyone knows that washing machines and dryers eat socks, although rarely in pairs. The minute you leave the laundry area, the appliances are gurgling with laughter as they envision you left holding a mateless sock.

So it is not only unjust but unamusing to accuse other people of such a ridiculous crime (or any other).

You could ignore the post, safe in the knowledge that no one will really believe you to be a petty thief. But if it bothers you, you could continue the supposed joke. Miss Manners suggests, “Dahlia, dear, look in your dryer.” And, if you want to be mean, “... and at your feet.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a dinner event I attended at a hotel, the tables were 10-foot rounds with tablecloths that went to the floor. The dinner was buffet style, but we were all wearing semi-formal attire.

The woman sitting next to me pulled the tablecloth up from the floor and set it on her lap, proudly saying that she wasn’t going to get any food on her gown. If she hadn’t made this announcement, I likely wouldn’t have noticed she did this. The tablecloth was black, as were our napkins.

Would Miss Manners provide guidance on this practice?

GENTLE READER: George Washington already did!

General Washington, as he correctly wished to be called after his presidency, was a master etiquetteer. It was he who issued the first rules of American protocol, so that it would be dignified without aping European court life.

Much earlier in life, as a schoolboy, he had copied down a list of etiquette rules circulated by Jesuits. And Rule 100 had to do with the misuse of the tablecloth.

True, it specifically prohibited using the tablecloth to clean one’s teeth, and your dinner companion was at least not guilty of that. Nevertheless, the rule should be understood in a broader sense: that the tablecloth should not be put to personal use. Its job is to cover the table. A cloth that may be used to protect the lap from spills, and for patting crumbs or sauces on the mouth, has been issued: the napkin.

That should settle the etiquette aspect. You are surely not going to defy George Washington or, for that matter, argue with a bunch of 18th century Jesuits.

But you have left Miss Manners with the vision of a table laden with glassware, plates and food -- and someone pulling on the tablecloth. Not a good idea.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are a blended family. I invited our adult children to Thanksgiving. They responded by asking if “other people,” i.e. non-family members, might be there. I said possibly. They approached my husband (their father), and emphasized that they want only family members at Thanksgiving.

Is it rude to dictate the guest list when you’re not hosting the party?

GENTLE READER: Didn’t you just say you were a family? And now you are a hostess outraged about guests’ usurping your privileges?

Surely the children of the family may ask if Thanksgiving dinner can be limited to relatives. You and your husband should consider their reasons, which strike Miss Manners as a possible interest in family bonding.

But they should also listen to your reasons -- "But then our widowed neighbor will be alone" -- if you decide to include others. And you will be pleased to know that you do, indeed, get to make the final decision -- not merely as hosts, but as parents who have weighed everyone’s feelings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you say, "Would you come for Thanksgiving?," is that an invitation or a demand?

GENTLE READER: An invitation, if you insert the word “please.” Otherwise, it sounds a bit iffy, as in: "Would you come if I asked you?"

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A genteel, proper tea at a traditional hotel requires one to sit demurely at a table too diminutive for any other posture, while awaiting the arrival of the scones, cream and jam. These are followed by the finger sandwiches, then by miniature pastries, whilst sipping from cups of tea before, during and after each course. (Only the simper is missing, but one is generally too busy to bother.)

While sharing such an interlude with a couple of my female friends, we each broke our scones with our fingers. Then, holding a morsel of scone, we applied and spread gobs of cream and jam with spoons and knives, respectively, then lifted them to our lips and enjoyed. The finger sandwiches were also picked up, lifted to the lips and eaten.

Now the tricky part: the miniature pastries, each consumable in two dainty bites or three delicate nibbles. My friends made their choices, placed pastries on plates and proceeded to dissect cream-filled puff pastries with fork and knife, conveying the morsels to the lips with the fork.

Alone among the three of us, I lifted pastry to lips using my fingers and held each successively smaller remainder until all was consumed. (I promise you I did not lick my fingers clean when finished. Mostly.)

While this is not a major etiquette question, it’s been eating at me for some time. Did I make a faux pas? Or was I correct?

GENTLE READER: Passably. The attempt at historical food porn, less so. But entertaining, nevertheless.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask someone alone with a laptop at a coffeeshop to share the table?

GENTLE READER: On the contrary: It seems like pretty good assurance that neither of you will have to make small talk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have embraced a hobby that is seeing a resurgence amongst young people: knitting. But I’m concerned it may be impolite to knit in the presence of others.

For instance, is knitting while riding on a train with a companion acceptable? How about while visiting intimates’ homes, while they are engaged in their own activities -- such as cooking, but still chatting?

How about knitting in a public place, such as a coffeeshop? When an acquaintance approaches, may I resume knitting after a warm greeting?

Although knitting is a rather mindless activity, allowing talking but interrupting eye contact, I am concerned others may be jealous that I have a fun activity if they do not.

GENTLE READER: Is this not why knitting circles were invented?

Trains, coffeeshops and the homes of intimates who are similarly occupied seem to Miss Manners acceptable situations in which to break out the yarn. Not so much for formal settings like weddings, funerals or coronations.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)