DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a divorced woman with no nearby family, so I am often invited to the homes of various close friends on holidays. Last year, I was invited to a Thanksgiving with about 30 people.

Upon receiving the invite, I offered to bring a couple of homemade pies. The hosts replied that they would instead like me to bring SIX bottles of wine, plus several containers of ice cream. I’m not the kind of person who brings cheap wine, so my contribution cost me about $150.

Upon arrival, I noticed that other folks brought more typical contributions, like a side dish, bakery items, etc.

Is there a way to respond to such a request, which I consider excessive and inappropriate, if it happens again? By the way, these people have plenty of money, so it’s not a question of being unable to provide for their guests.

GENTLE READER: The next request will not be exactly the same, so Miss Manners is going to give you the means to construct a more general response.

What you should have said when asked was, “I would be so happy to do the whole dessert. I know a perfect ice cream that would go with the pies. But since it is 30 people, would you mind terribly if I don’t do the wine?”

The key points to this answer were: You expressed excitement; you expanded what you originally offered -- thus meeting your hostess halfway; you made clear -- gently -- that she was asking too much; and you left the final determination in her hands.

You also declined to give reasons for your counteroffer (you don’t know anything about wine; it won’t fit in your car; you are allergic to cabernet), which would only have encouraged your hostess to haggle. Finally, you gave your contribution a name (dessert), which, to Miss Manners at least, lends the power of thematic unity to what was otherwise a mere shopping list.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have a close, loving relationship with my sister and her husband, despite living hundreds of miles apart. We speak frequently and make several overnight visits to each other’s homes each year.

The problem is that my sister often invites friends of theirs, whom they see often, to their home when we are visiting. We do not care for their friends, and their conversations often devolve into discussions about people we've never met and neighborhood happenings we know nothing about.

How do we politely ask my sister not to invite her friends over when we are visiting?

GENTLE READER: If you were to ask your sister, would she not say she is trying to draw you into her circle and her life?

Miss Manners asks because if you dislike her friends only for talking about people you do not know, she agrees that is to be avoided -- but also thinks you might make the effort to get to know them. Paradoxically, she would only recommend speaking with your sister if you can put forward a more positive reason -- hoping to spend more time with her, rather than less time with people she likes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While acknowledging gratitude for being invited to quite a few social events, how do I decline an invitation that I have little interest in attending? (Yes, I gladly attend special birthday celebrations and all 50th wedding anniversaries.)

“I’m sorry, I can’t make it” is honest, but does etiquette require valid reasons for absences? Such as, “Sorry, I’m having a baby that day” instead of, “No thanks, I’m not interested.”

“I’m sorry, I’m under the weather” might be OK to use (in truth, we are all “under” the weather), but only as a last-minute excuse, not for an advanced RSVP. I trust you understand my quandary.

GENTLE READER: Use any of those excuses, and someone is bound to post a picture of you enjoying yourself elsewhere, even if you were just caught with a fleeting smile on your way to the grocery store.

It is for that reason -- and we can throw in a moral one for free -- that Miss Manners counsels that if you do not have a presentable excuse, you should not claim one.

You are required to express thanks at being invited and regret at not being able to accept. (You do have some regret, don’t you? Well, conjure some up, even if you are sorry only about the inability to be frank.)

Most hosts are satisfied with that -- and probably grateful to get any definite answer. Should one be so rude as to ask why you cannot attend, just keep repeating the formula ("You're so kind to invite me; I'm so sorry I can’t go") until you get a surrender.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For 15 years, since our two daughters have had partners whom they married, my husband and I chose to have Thanksgiving dinner on Friday so our kids could spend Thursday with their in-laws.

This year, our younger daughter announced that she was starting her own family tradition and having Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday at her newly purchased home. We were invited to attend. She said she would be too tired to come to our dinner on Friday.

This daughter and her husband have also counted the number of times my husband and I have visited them, and decided that they want "one more visit per year" in the interest of "the importance of family." Any advice?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Go to your younger daughter’s for Thanksgiving on Thursday, and tell her you would be delighted to plan another visit. Your Friday Thanksgivings were kindly done for your children’s convenience, and surely you are not trying to claim them as an inviolable tradition.

Miss Manners is guessing that the problem has to do with the other daughter’s Thanksgiving. The younger one has probably not invited her sister’s extended family.

In that case, you will be consuming a lot of turkey and cranberry sauce. Your daughters have been doing double Thanksgivings for years -- as do many who can’t assemble their families for whatever reason -- so you know it won’t kill you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one diplomatically, yet adamantly, state that guests should not bring a dish to supplement your holiday event?

I’m frequently asked, “What can I bring?” I always reply, “Your good cheer and appetite, please!” Inevitably, friends will show up with their award-winning dish and promptly put it on the serving line.

Unfortunately, there is the potential that their contribution is tainted -- and being the host, the unfortunate results are on me. The well-being of my guests is essential.

GENTLE READER: The idea that private dinner parties are always done cooperatively has now become so firmly ingrained in the American mind that it has taken on a whether-the-hosts-like-it-or-not urgency.

And this goes double on holidays, when cooperative meals are so common that no one believes in an exception. That there are hosts who prefer to provide all the refreshments -- or are infuriated to have others messing in their kitchens -- is dismissed as insincere politeness.

To justify stopping this, you needn’t resort to invoking that dreadful scenario in which guests bring lethal treats and you are left responsible for murder. It is quite enough that it is your house, and you do not want to share the hostly duty of providing the dinner.

But as your mild little response is ignored, Miss Manners will have to provide you with something clearer: “Thank you, but I am doing the entire dinner, and I can’t serve anything else.” Or: “Please don’t. I appreciate the offer, but it would only go to waste.”

One more option: "I’m sorry, but the chef absolutely forbids any contributions to the meal." This last one is the strongest because chefs seem to hold the last positions that are still able to command authority.

Never mind that, in this case, you happen to be the chef.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I came across this statement on a social media page: "I hate being called 'ma'am.' Some people think it is respectful, but it is NOT; it is ignorance speaking. I know they don’t know any better, but I have little tolerance for it."

I truly did think that using "ma'am" was a show of respect. Have I been wrong all these years? Why is it impolite?

GENTLE READER: It is respectful. But some people want to forgo respect in the vain hope of being taken for younger.

Miss Manners has noticed that nothing says Crabby Old Age so clearly as indignation at being treated respectfully.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My housemate is male, 73 and retired. He rises in the morning and spends his day in a ratty terrycloth bathrobe. He is naked underneath, and the robe is barely closed.

I refuse to sit down at a table or engage with him looking like this. He says I’m weird and silly. I think he’s a pig.

We’ve never been anything but casual friends, and while he has a crush on me, the feeling has never been mutual. Is it just me, or do others think this attire is disrespectful and disgusting?

GENTLE READER: Disgusting is in the eye of the beholder, and as you are the sole beholder, you do not need an aesthetic judgment from Miss Manners -- unpleasant as she found the description.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)