DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I got married over a decade ago, there was no bridal shower or wedding reception. We started to plan a reception, but it was canceled by his aunt and my mother; they did not ask me or my husband. They promised to plan a reception for us later, but never did.

All we wanted was a simple potluck, and we were willing to make most of it because my husband is an excellent cook and I can bake.

It was embarrassing for me, because it made me the only woman in my church, and in my family, to be denied a wedding reception and a bridal shower. But it hurt my husband more. He feels like my family never really welcomed him, and it’s a big reason why he doesn’t want anything to do with my mom.

I don’t know how to fix this. If I tried to hold a "reception" now, my family would only show up out of obligation, which would just hurt my husband more and embarrass me all over again. We could do a vow renewal ceremony, but that would also just make the situation worse, I fear. He’s an atheist and I am without a religion at the moment, and both of our families are fairly religious. We would have to have a member of the clergy involved to avoid hearing the riot act from our families.

Would it be rude to have any kind of celebration of our wedding this late? Would it be rude to do it without inviting either family? Should I tell my mom why my husband really hates her?

How do I fix this so my husband feels like our wedding has been properly recognized?

GENTLE READER: Oh, dear. It is unfortunate that your relatives behaved irresponsibly when you got married. And Miss Manners understands the importance of ceremonial traditions.

So you will perhaps forgive her for saying that it is high time to let go of a wedding fantasy/grudge.

You’ve had a successful marriage for more than 10 years -- or you wouldn’t be thinking of renewing your vows! Why aren’t you celebrating?

Throw yourselves an anniversary party in whatever style you like. If you maintain a lighthearted atmosphere, you can get away with adding whatever wedding trimmings you want -- a white dress, a tiered cake and some newly written vows, now that you know more about each other.

Just, please, no bridal shower.

As for the families: Invite them or not, as you like. This is not a wedding, where it would be pointed to omit them. If they have treated your husband badly all these years, you will not want them there anyway.

Conversely, if the canceled reception is your only complaint, including them may finally make peace among you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister’s family celebrates holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc. with family gatherings -- which are very lovely. However, they always set a time to open gifts in front of everyone.

I feel that this practice may put those who cannot afford splendid gifts in an uncomfortable position. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: That you should stop the nasty practice of evaluating presents in monetary terms, and appreciate them all as expressions of generosity.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attend a small college of about 550 students. Although I am on friendly terms with many of them, my close friend group is about five people.

Lately I’ve been dealing with clingy folks who don’t give me space. They will demand conversations as late as 11 p.m., walk with me wherever I go, and whenever they see me, they want to talk for over an hour. When I try to set boundaries by gracefully excusing myself to study, they sometimes still follow me.

It’s not just studying for which I excuse myself, either. Sometimes I would just appreciate some time alone to read or call a friend. Is wanting time alone a legitimate reason for excusing myself? And if they still refuse to give me that time alone, what are your suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Telling someone that you would rather be alone than have to endure their companionship is discourteous. But the good news is you do not need an excuse at all.

“I’m sorry, but I really have to go. I will catch up with you later,” is all Miss Manners suggests you say.

And then run.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do I need to place a fresh, unused bar of soap in the guest bathroom for every new guest I host? Sometimes people stay for just one night. Tossing soap that’s only been used once seems wasteful. Doesn’t soap “clean” itself with every use?

GENTLE READER: Does it? Miss Manners has often wondered about the mechanics of that herself.

As long as the soap is adequately inspected and cleared of debris, she sees nothing wrong with reusing it. Just promise not to let it devolve into that weird splintering thing it becomes when it has clearly seen too many guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Like many old women, I object to being called “young lady” and I find it offensive. (I do not want anyone to call me this, but only older men tend to do so.) When I point out to them that I am not young, they either argue with me or scold me for not being “young at heart.”

My mother used to tell such men to get new glasses. That was not successful, either. It seems harsh to inform them that if they persist in calling me “young lady,” I will try to avoid them. Do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: “If I, at my age, am a young lady, then what does that make you?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a high-rise in a large retirement community. I run into various neighbors in the lobby, on the stoop and in the hallway every time I am leaving or returning. I am always asked where I am going or where I have been. I am not comfortable sharing this information, but I don’t want to be rude. How can I respond?

GENTLE READER: With a cheery “Just out!” or “Running errands!” accompanied by a smile and a wave -- and no attempt to slow your gait for follow-up questions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A person I have known for many years has just been arrested and charged with horrific crimes. I would not say we were ever close friends, just cordial acquaintances. It seems likely this person will not walk free again for many years, if ever.

I want to reach out and write a letter to them in jail. What would be appropriate to say in a situation like this? “Hi, how are you doing?” seems inappropriately shallow and perky under the circumstances. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?” would certainly not be polite. What would be reasonable?

GENTLE READER: “I was sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that under the circumstances, you are doing well.”

Miss Manners commends you for your desire to reach out to this accused criminal. But perhaps you are emboldened by the fact that they are not likely to rejoin society anytime soon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While dining at a fairly nice restaurant, I overheard a lady try to attract the attention of the server by tapping her glass with a spoon. Loudly and often.

Is this a new custom, or just something my dear grandmother neglected to tell me was acceptable? She always lifted a gloved finger or simply made eye contact to get a server's attention.

GENTLE READER: It is not a new custom. This lady was just using it wrong -- which she undoubtedly realized when she failed to get the attention of the server, but had everyone else in the restaurant waiting for a toast that did not materialize.

So your dear grandmother did not omit to tell you this. Unfortunately, Miss Manners omitted to tell her that one does not wear gloves at the dinner table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For work, I fly often, usually at least once a week. I am a gentleman in my mid-40s, and am often mistaken for someone younger. My dilemma is how to handle co-passengers who are unable to lift their bags into the overhead bin, many of whom then look at me expectantly.

While I look fit, my constant travel schedule and squeezed-in workouts have left me with a back that can lock up pretty badly. I would defer to the flight attendants, but they are generally not any more helpful in this task than fellow passengers. (I believe some airlines have policies against flight attendants assisting with the stowage of carry-on luggage.)

When traveling with my mother -- whose comfort, of course, I would go to great lengths to ensure -- I was surprised when she scolded me for not helping other ladies with their luggage. But I have always been of the opinion that if someone can’t lift their own luggage, they should check it.

How do I handle this situation without seeming like a person without manners? I am willing to sacrifice my back for my mother, but I can’t accommodate every lady unable to lift her bag.

GENTLE READER: Become extremely absorbed in your book.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)