DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am someone who has just about everything in his life figured out and I have great social skills.
However, it seems like most single girls nowadays have one and one only passion, traveling.
I have not traveled a lot in my life (once in Europe, 3 – 4 times in the US and 3 – 4 times in Canada). I do not mind the idea of traveling, but it is not the first thing I would do if you gave me options.
My question is the following; is traveling a requirement nowadays to even have a chance of dating successfully?
Thanks
There And Back Again
DEAR THERE AND BACK AGAIN: I’m going to give you and my other readers a little inside-baseball information: I’m pulling your letter instead of saving it for one of my lightning-round columns because there’s actually more meat on this particular bone than just the immediately obvious “no, of course you don’t have to be well travelled in order to date.”
Instead, we’re going to dig into this a little, because there’re actually a few layers to this.
The first layer is less about traveling specifically, so much as about interests in general. People list their interests on their dating profiles because they’re an easy way to sort for compatibility. As I’ve said many times before: opposites don’t attract. We actually prefer people who are similar to us, and the more things we have in common, the more we tend to like one another.
Someone who likes traveling is more likely to want to date someone who also likes traveling, and is less likely to be interested in dating someone who’s more of a homebody. The same goes the other way; if you’re more of a hobbit than a Ranger or explorer, then you’re not as likely to be happy with someone who wants to travel. After all, adventures make one late for dinner and take you away from the comforts of home. It’s certainly possible for a jet-setter and a homebody to make it work, but it’s going to require more work to find a comfortable balance than if you’ve got two intrepid adventurers or two nesters.
But that’s where the second layer comes into it: it’s less about the experience so much as the interest. There’s a difference between being well-travelled and being a traveler. Someone who has done a lot of traveling – for work, for school, because you were in the military, etc. – isn’t automatically someone who actually likes traveling. You (the generic “you”, not you specifically, TABA) may have done it, but it wasn’t something you would’ve chosen if you had the option.
By the same token, someone may not have had the ability or opportunity to travel but absolutely would, if given the chance. Maybe they haven’t been able to afford it, they don’t have friends or family who want to travel and they don’t want to do it alone. Finding someone who also wants to travel and explore would be great for them; someone who could help show them the ropes might well be their ideal partner. And for the more experienced traveler, being able to take someone around and show them the world and take them to their favorite places can be an amazing experience. So in that sense, it’s not so much about having to have X number of stamps in your passport or pins in a map as it is about the desire to acquire them.
The third layer is that sometimes traveling isn’t about the activity, so much as what it represents. When someone makes a point about being into traveling, they’re often signaling that this is about of other aspects of themselves. It may be, for example, that they’re communicating that they’re a free-spirit, who lives moment to moment and likes to go on adventures at the drop of a hat. They’re someone who may decide that they want to go on a road trip and, oh, I dunno, visit every Meow Wolf in the United States.
(I highly recommend starting at the OG in Santa Fe, incidentally; it sets the tone and teaches you what to expect from the others, even if you have to backtrack to Houston from Vegas or Denver.)
Others may be making a subtle flex – talking about the exotic locales and luxurious resorts they stay in. This is as much about having both the freedom to travel and the resources to do so in style and comfort, as well as a hint at the sort of lifestyle potential partners could expect if they were in a relationship together.
Still others are sending a message about themselves – by emphasizing their interest in travel, they’re talking about how they’re worldly and cosmopolitan as they go on their own Grand Tour of Europe.
They may be signaling an interest in other cultures or broadening their perspective beyond the values and views of the culture and community they grew up in, taking a wider view of the world. Or they may signal that they’re adventurous and like to get off the beaten path as they hike over mountains or travel through rainforests.
And then there’s the fifth layer: it could well be something they put in their profile because they think they’re supposed to. While every woman doesn’t talk about loving to travel, it’s common enough that it’s a cliché like “long walks on the beach”; the sort of thing you include because it’s kind of expected.
So what does all this mean for you, TABA? Well, mostly it’s a sign to read for context and what it means to them. It’s an indication of something that has great meaning to them – what, precisely, is going to be a matter of what else they have to say and what else they choose to highlight.��For you, it’s a matter of deciding whether someone who loves traveling is someone you’d want to be in a relationship with. You don’t necessarily need to be an experienced traveler to date successfully – people who never leave the town where they were born date and get married all the time, after all. But, seeing as you don’t care for it, someone listing traveling as an interest in her dating profile may be a sign that they’re not someone who you’d want to date.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com