DEAR MISS MANNERS: A person I have known for many years has just been arrested and charged with horrific crimes. I would not say we were ever close friends, just cordial acquaintances. It seems likely this person will not walk free again for many years, if ever.

I want to reach out and write a letter to them in jail. What would be appropriate to say in a situation like this? “Hi, how are you doing?” seems inappropriately shallow and perky under the circumstances. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?” would certainly not be polite. What would be reasonable?

GENTLE READER: “I was sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that under the circumstances, you are doing well.”

Miss Manners commends you for your desire to reach out to this accused criminal. But perhaps you are emboldened by the fact that they are not likely to rejoin society anytime soon.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While dining at a fairly nice restaurant, I overheard a lady try to attract the attention of the server by tapping her glass with a spoon. Loudly and often.

Is this a new custom, or just something my dear grandmother neglected to tell me was acceptable? She always lifted a gloved finger or simply made eye contact to get a server's attention.

GENTLE READER: It is not a new custom. This lady was just using it wrong -- which she undoubtedly realized when she failed to get the attention of the server, but had everyone else in the restaurant waiting for a toast that did not materialize.

So your dear grandmother did not omit to tell you this. Unfortunately, Miss Manners omitted to tell her that one does not wear gloves at the dinner table.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For work, I fly often, usually at least once a week. I am a gentleman in my mid-40s, and am often mistaken for someone younger. My dilemma is how to handle co-passengers who are unable to lift their bags into the overhead bin, many of whom then look at me expectantly.

While I look fit, my constant travel schedule and squeezed-in workouts have left me with a back that can lock up pretty badly. I would defer to the flight attendants, but they are generally not any more helpful in this task than fellow passengers. (I believe some airlines have policies against flight attendants assisting with the stowage of carry-on luggage.)

When traveling with my mother -- whose comfort, of course, I would go to great lengths to ensure -- I was surprised when she scolded me for not helping other ladies with their luggage. But I have always been of the opinion that if someone can’t lift their own luggage, they should check it.

How do I handle this situation without seeming like a person without manners? I am willing to sacrifice my back for my mother, but I can’t accommodate every lady unable to lift her bag.

GENTLE READER: Become extremely absorbed in your book.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some time ago, one of my wife’s nephews (a grown man in his 40s) came across an opinion I had written in a digital publication. He didn’t like it, so he insulted me in the public commentary section. I shrugged it off.

The next day, he went hunting online for another opinion of mine he didn’t like, and insulted me again so that all my family and friends could read it. He was beyond vile.

It took me a good 20 minutes to carefully construct a strong reply. I did not lower myself to his deranged level, keeping in mind that he was still my wife’s nephew. I wanted all those who saw the insult to also see my defense.

However, when I tried to post my response, I couldn’t, because he had deleted the insult minutes after posting it. (He later admitted his mom had told him to delete it.)

I decided to take a screenshot of the whole interaction before it disappeared, and then I posted it, with links, for his entire family to see. I embarrassed him.

He did not apologize. His mother unfriended me publicly. Some family members criticized me with indirect comments. Everyone else stayed silent, which hurt me more than the cowardly indirect comments.

No one stood up for me, defended me or even said they were sorry for the uncalled-for insults. That showed me I’m not part of this family. I’m not blood; I am just the in-law they can't stand.

That’s fine with me. I can’t expect the whole world to like me. I ended my relationships with all of them: No more time or money from me for holidays, weddings, baptisms or funerals across the country with my wife. I’m done with them.

My wife is hurt, but understands I was the one done wrong. I’m curious about your thoughts on the matter.

GENTLE READER: It is not Miss Manners’ habit to rank whose behavior was worse. But if she were to prioritize who appears most deserving of sympathy from greatest to least, she would start with your wife, your sister-in-law, the other relatives, then yourself -- and lastly, the nephew.

Etiquette generally seeks to repair damage such as that done by your nephew. But depending on the specifics of what he said, that may never have been possible. Breaking up the family may have been the only likely outcome.

Nevertheless, you did lower yourself when you reposted the nephew’s comment after it was removed -- and then went on a campaign of public humiliation. You were wronged, but once you piled wrong upon wrong, you put everyone else in an impossible situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely and firmly convey to an interested party that I merely want to discuss business, and am not interested in meeting for coffee or any other alone time that could be construed as romantic?

I feel that an abrupt “I do not drink coffee, but I will see you at the next official function” would not sufficiently discourage the interested party from inquiring further.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps not. But repetition will.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice in the past few months, when tidying up the spare room after overnight guests, I have found a guest’s garments left behind.

With a scarf or a shirt, this situation seems easily resolved: Drop the item at the post office with a quick note telling the guest how lovely it was to see her, and how we hoped she hadn’t missed the item for too long.

However, with apparel of a more intimate variety, we find ourselves flummoxed on how to proceed. What is the most polite course of action?

GENTLE READER: You are not being asked to model these items, or to envision the consequences of their loss. Miss Masters instructs you to just send them back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a very popular doctor at a large optical practice. My issue is that when I ask for payment, patients argue with me about the prices.

Many of them do so loudly, and this is in the lobby, in front of others. They seem to figure that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I work alone and need to keep the peace. Between answering calls, collecting fees and taking patients back for pre-testing, and then to the doctor for the exam, time is not my friend. I have much to do in a little amount of time, and I have to keep it moving or there’s a train wreck.

What polite, short, to-the-point thing can I say -- with a smile on my face and in my voice -- to keep the mood upbeat?

GENTLE READER: As a representative of the practice, you do not want to disparage it, but you can remind the patients of what you can -- and cannot -- do to assist: “I’m sorry, I don’t set the prices, but here is what I can do to help.” This last part presumably includes referring them to someone in the billing department or at their insurance company.

Miss Manners realizes this will not solve their real complaint -- the cost -- but it will remind them that you are helpful, polite and powerless. So they may as well move along.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have invited to dinner two old codgers I’ve known for years. One is a bachelor, and the other has been married for many years, so I also invited his wife to the dinner party. I’m a spinster about their age.

I’ve known and liked the man's wife for a long time, and would like to socialize with her. She happens to be physically disabled. Here’s the problem: I was tipped off by the other fellow that the husband plans to bring a “more mobile” young thing, rather than his wife, to my dinner party.

I was very explicit that his wife was invited, and I am now furious that he would even consider bringing someone else. It will never be said that I hosted a dinner party for someone who left his wife at home and brought a charming young substitute.

I’m willing to cancel if that’s what it takes. Do you have any other suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Say how charmed you are to meet his niece.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)