DEAR MISS MANNERS: Twice in the past few months, when tidying up the spare room after overnight guests, I have found a guest’s garments left behind.

With a scarf or a shirt, this situation seems easily resolved: Drop the item at the post office with a quick note telling the guest how lovely it was to see her, and how we hoped she hadn’t missed the item for too long.

However, with apparel of a more intimate variety, we find ourselves flummoxed on how to proceed. What is the most polite course of action?

GENTLE READER: You are not being asked to model these items, or to envision the consequences of their loss. Miss Masters instructs you to just send them back.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a very popular doctor at a large optical practice. My issue is that when I ask for payment, patients argue with me about the prices.

Many of them do so loudly, and this is in the lobby, in front of others. They seem to figure that the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I work alone and need to keep the peace. Between answering calls, collecting fees and taking patients back for pre-testing, and then to the doctor for the exam, time is not my friend. I have much to do in a little amount of time, and I have to keep it moving or there’s a train wreck.

What polite, short, to-the-point thing can I say -- with a smile on my face and in my voice -- to keep the mood upbeat?

GENTLE READER: As a representative of the practice, you do not want to disparage it, but you can remind the patients of what you can -- and cannot -- do to assist: “I’m sorry, I don’t set the prices, but here is what I can do to help.” This last part presumably includes referring them to someone in the billing department or at their insurance company.

Miss Manners realizes this will not solve their real complaint -- the cost -- but it will remind them that you are helpful, polite and powerless. So they may as well move along.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have invited to dinner two old codgers I’ve known for years. One is a bachelor, and the other has been married for many years, so I also invited his wife to the dinner party. I’m a spinster about their age.

I’ve known and liked the man's wife for a long time, and would like to socialize with her. She happens to be physically disabled. Here’s the problem: I was tipped off by the other fellow that the husband plans to bring a “more mobile” young thing, rather than his wife, to my dinner party.

I was very explicit that his wife was invited, and I am now furious that he would even consider bringing someone else. It will never be said that I hosted a dinner party for someone who left his wife at home and brought a charming young substitute.

I’m willing to cancel if that’s what it takes. Do you have any other suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Say how charmed you are to meet his niece.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I found my that my wife and I were to be seated separately at a party, I would move my place card or leave the party with her.

There are two primary duties that married couples -- and, arguably, dating couples -- have that supersede their "duty" to the host of a gathering: protection of and fidelity to their spouse, neither of which is served by splitting couples up. Parties are often not safe in either respect, especially when alcohol is involved.

GENTLE READER: It is not clear whether the problem here is that your acquaintances are dangerous, your wife is untrustworthy, or that all of you are apt to drink out of control. Perhaps it is all of these.

Miss Manners can offer you only her sympathy. General social customs presuppose people of goodwill, not such extreme and unfortunate cases.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have mulled over this question for years, and have seen both sides. But generally, I believe it sounds weird and mildly insulting to refer to a serving tray as a "silver-plated serving tray" -- especially when it was a gift.

This happened to my mother-in-law, whom I loved and cherished. She was widowed at a young age and worked hard to have a modest income. She managed to have a pleasant, happy life -- it was just her and her son (my husband). She also had amazing taste and always worked hard to give thoughtful gifts.

Her brother was very affluent, and after he passed away, my MIL had a tense relationship with his wife and kids. There was a lot of jealousy and resentment. When his daughter (my husband's cousin) got married, my MIL didn’t attend the wedding, but sent a lovely serving tray as a gift.

The bride sent a thank-you card saying, “Thank you for the silver-plated tray.”

Was that a veiled insult? My mother-in-law was very hurt and offended, and that sealed it. She had nothing more to do with her brother’s family.

When I wrote my thank-you letters for my wedding gifts, I never mentioned what the gifts were made of. But I still keep wondering if it was rude or not.

GENTLE READER: It would be of no help, Miss Manners supposes, for her to point out that silver plate can be valuable, even (in the case of early Sheffield pieces) more so than certain items of sterling silver.

The distinction that should have been made here is between a mere description, a possible slight and an insult so vicious as to require a family rupture. The benefit of the doubt would have been the best choice.

But rather than ponder this, you could have urged your mother-in-law not to react as she did, but to let it go -- or, if that was not possible, to ask the niece if she was unhappy with the present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very dear friend is getting married in eight weeks. She and her betrothed compromised and negotiated a great deal to finalize the guest list, and 10 people didn’t make the cut. Unfortunately, she mistakenly invited those persons to her bridal shower.

I explained that they may feel slighted at being invited to the shower, but not the wedding. She now wants to contact these 10 people to explain the couple's financial constraints and state that while the wedding guest list was final, these folks can forgo a shower gift because they are still participating in one small way.

I think this is like sending good money after bad. What can she possibly say to the 10 people -- all of whom eagerly accepted the shower invite -- to fix this?

GENTLE READER: It is true that Miss Manners is good at dressing up unpleasant information to be acceptable, but there are limits.

There is no polite way to say, “When we trimmed our guest list, you were the people we decided we could do without. But don't worry: We won’t charge you admission to the shower.”

Rather, Miss Manners thinks your friend should take responsibility for her mistake. Maybe cut the flower budget or serve cheaper refreshments so that these people -- who you say were eager to celebrate with her -- can be invited to the wedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often struggle with finding the right time to serve the meal at a dinner party. Should it be as soon as all the guests have arrived? Or maybe when all the appetizers are gone?

Should we set a time in the invitation and start eating then, even if not everyone is there yet? I've also heard you should wait one hour after guests arrive.

GENTLE READER: Well, you don’t want to rush people to the table the minute they arrive. But if you wait until all the appetizers are gone, your hungry guests will be nibbling on the napkins.

You want to serve dinner as soon as it is ready, but also leave a reasonable margin to allow for varying traffic and weather conditions.

Miss Manners suggests aiming for 45 minutes after your stated starting time for the party. Give or take.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a journalist who covers politics. It’s exhausting, especially lately.

But at social functions, friends, family and strangers often share their political opinions (which usually include plenty of misinformation). It often gets heated -- everyone thinks they’re an expert.

Trying to change the subject rarely works. Is there a polite way to shut it down, other than just leaving?

GENTLE READER: Sadly, it has become difficult for anyone to have a civil and productive discussion of politics nowadays.

But Miss Manners notices that you can offer a polite excuse: “Sorry, but I deal with politics all day, and I need a break. Can you recommend a good movie or book about something else?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m single and my sister is married with one teenage daughter. Whenever we go in on a gift for our parents, she expects me to pay half of the cost for the gift, while she pays the other half.

To me, the cost should be split four ways. She accused me of being cheap. What do you think? By the way, I have stopped going in on gifts with her.

GENTLE READER: So you have solved the problem. Miss Manners is glad to be of (unnecessary) help.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)