DEAR MISS MANNERS: If I found my that my wife and I were to be seated separately at a party, I would move my place card or leave the party with her.

There are two primary duties that married couples -- and, arguably, dating couples -- have that supersede their "duty" to the host of a gathering: protection of and fidelity to their spouse, neither of which is served by splitting couples up. Parties are often not safe in either respect, especially when alcohol is involved.

GENTLE READER: It is not clear whether the problem here is that your acquaintances are dangerous, your wife is untrustworthy, or that all of you are apt to drink out of control. Perhaps it is all of these.

Miss Manners can offer you only her sympathy. General social customs presuppose people of goodwill, not such extreme and unfortunate cases.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have mulled over this question for years, and have seen both sides. But generally, I believe it sounds weird and mildly insulting to refer to a serving tray as a "silver-plated serving tray" -- especially when it was a gift.

This happened to my mother-in-law, whom I loved and cherished. She was widowed at a young age and worked hard to have a modest income. She managed to have a pleasant, happy life -- it was just her and her son (my husband). She also had amazing taste and always worked hard to give thoughtful gifts.

Her brother was very affluent, and after he passed away, my MIL had a tense relationship with his wife and kids. There was a lot of jealousy and resentment. When his daughter (my husband's cousin) got married, my MIL didn’t attend the wedding, but sent a lovely serving tray as a gift.

The bride sent a thank-you card saying, “Thank you for the silver-plated tray.”

Was that a veiled insult? My mother-in-law was very hurt and offended, and that sealed it. She had nothing more to do with her brother’s family.

When I wrote my thank-you letters for my wedding gifts, I never mentioned what the gifts were made of. But I still keep wondering if it was rude or not.

GENTLE READER: It would be of no help, Miss Manners supposes, for her to point out that silver plate can be valuable, even (in the case of early Sheffield pieces) more so than certain items of sterling silver.

The distinction that should have been made here is between a mere description, a possible slight and an insult so vicious as to require a family rupture. The benefit of the doubt would have been the best choice.

But rather than ponder this, you could have urged your mother-in-law not to react as she did, but to let it go -- or, if that was not possible, to ask the niece if she was unhappy with the present.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A very dear friend is getting married in eight weeks. She and her betrothed compromised and negotiated a great deal to finalize the guest list, and 10 people didn’t make the cut. Unfortunately, she mistakenly invited those persons to her bridal shower.

I explained that they may feel slighted at being invited to the shower, but not the wedding. She now wants to contact these 10 people to explain the couple's financial constraints and state that while the wedding guest list was final, these folks can forgo a shower gift because they are still participating in one small way.

I think this is like sending good money after bad. What can she possibly say to the 10 people -- all of whom eagerly accepted the shower invite -- to fix this?

GENTLE READER: It is true that Miss Manners is good at dressing up unpleasant information to be acceptable, but there are limits.

There is no polite way to say, “When we trimmed our guest list, you were the people we decided we could do without. But don't worry: We won’t charge you admission to the shower.”

Rather, Miss Manners thinks your friend should take responsibility for her mistake. Maybe cut the flower budget or serve cheaper refreshments so that these people -- who you say were eager to celebrate with her -- can be invited to the wedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often struggle with finding the right time to serve the meal at a dinner party. Should it be as soon as all the guests have arrived? Or maybe when all the appetizers are gone?

Should we set a time in the invitation and start eating then, even if not everyone is there yet? I've also heard you should wait one hour after guests arrive.

GENTLE READER: Well, you don’t want to rush people to the table the minute they arrive. But if you wait until all the appetizers are gone, your hungry guests will be nibbling on the napkins.

You want to serve dinner as soon as it is ready, but also leave a reasonable margin to allow for varying traffic and weather conditions.

Miss Manners suggests aiming for 45 minutes after your stated starting time for the party. Give or take.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a journalist who covers politics. It’s exhausting, especially lately.

But at social functions, friends, family and strangers often share their political opinions (which usually include plenty of misinformation). It often gets heated -- everyone thinks they’re an expert.

Trying to change the subject rarely works. Is there a polite way to shut it down, other than just leaving?

GENTLE READER: Sadly, it has become difficult for anyone to have a civil and productive discussion of politics nowadays.

But Miss Manners notices that you can offer a polite excuse: “Sorry, but I deal with politics all day, and I need a break. Can you recommend a good movie or book about something else?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m single and my sister is married with one teenage daughter. Whenever we go in on a gift for our parents, she expects me to pay half of the cost for the gift, while she pays the other half.

To me, the cost should be split four ways. She accused me of being cheap. What do you think? By the way, I have stopped going in on gifts with her.

GENTLE READER: So you have solved the problem. Miss Manners is glad to be of (unnecessary) help.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we have a large family dinner, between 10 and 21 people, there is one child whose parents allow her to be on her tablet, with volume on high. She comes into the house, whizzes by everyone present and goes directly to the table to set up her tablet.

I disapprove of this, and feel that the host or hostess needs to express to the parents that devices are not allowed at the dining table. There are other children her age present, but their parents do not allow them to have their tablets.

My belief is the hostess can set such rules, but there are others who feel you cannot tell another parent how to parent their child. I feel that it's "my house, my rules."

So, Miss Manners, can we tell parents what the rule is at our house, and allow the other guests a quieter dinner?

GENTLE READER: Why go through the parents? Miss Manners suggests you go straight to the source, quietly telling the child that you are sorry, but you do not allow electronics at the dinner table. At which point the child will turn to her parents -- and you will find something urgent to do in the kitchen so as to avoid eye contact with them.

If the plan is unsuccessful, you can always drop a pair of headphones casually at her place setting. So as to at least ensure quiet for the others.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a gated community. There is a gate box where people can punch in the code to open the gate and let them in.

In both of our vehicles, we have a remote that we press to open the gate. There have been numerous occasions when I’ve been behind someone attempting to enter the code, and I have used the remote to open the gate for them.

Is it impolite to give a brief honk on my car horn to let the person know the gate is opening, or should I just wait until they notice it's opening, thinking they’ve done it?

GENTLE READER: But then how will they learn?

Granted, the second option is more entertaining, what with its potential to convince these drivers that they are magical. But it is more damaging to their learning curve -- and your wait time -- in the long run.

Miss Manners suggests instead that you give that brief honk, followed by a little wave and point that says, "We have the remote. And you do not."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 63-year-old woman who finds herself frequently told by strangers that she resembles a famous actress of similar age.

I don’t find this actress particularly attractive, and therefore don’t know what to say when someone makes the comparison. I don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or merely an observation.

“Thank you” seems to imply I’m flattered (which I’m not), but I don’t want to express offense when none was likely intended. Is there another option for reply?

GENTLE READER: “Hmmm.” Uttered flatly with no question mark or inflection other than one that indicates, “That is something that you just said.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)