Sobia Shahab, of Ballwin, Missouri, lost her husband of nearly 24 years unexpectedly this summer when he suffered organ failure after a sudden illness.
Shahab, in the haze of shock and grief, decided to sell one of the family’s cars to save on expenses. About a week after Omar died, she took their Nissan Armada to the local dealership where the couple had previously purchased four vehicles.
The dealership accepted the car and wrote a bill of sale.
However, the DMV made a clerical error with the vehicle’s VIN, which created confusion at the dealership about whether the taxes had been paid on the car. The salesman, with whom the family had done repeated business and who knew the circumstances around the returned car, sent Shahab an email saying they could not complete the sale.
The email included a line that devastated her.
“I’m sorry that your deceased husband did not handle this when he bought the Armada,” the salesman wrote.
When she read that, Shahab burst into tears.
“Why would he say that?” Shahab said. “I just lost my husband.” The insensitive remark, insinuating that her deceased husband had somehow neglected his responsibilities, added a layer of pain to her grief.
Of course, her husband had handled the taxes. For three years, they had been driving a legally registered car. That’s not possible unless the taxes are paid. She asked a lawyer friend to send the salesman a reply documenting the paid sales tax and noting the clerical error.
The loss of a loved one leaves us vulnerable and disoriented. Careless words can strike a raw wound. This wasn’t about a car sale. It was about basic decency. Shahab is hardly alone among the bereaved who have dealt with rude and hurtful comments.
Rabia Rafiq, of Wildwood, Missouri, recalls the questions her family fielded after the sudden death in 2023 of her brother Ali, 41. Rafiq’s mother had discovered Ali’s lifeless body in their basement. Friends and acquaintances pressed her family for intrusive details, even as the family themselves had no answers. Immediately after his death, some visitors repeatedly asked her mother unbelievable questions: What position was he in when you found him? What were his last words? What did he look like?
These questions forced her to relive the worst moment of her life. Still, some persisted. They treated the family’s tragedy like a mystery they had to solve, Rafiq said.
When we are confronted with death, it can pique individual curiosity, or even worse, spark gossip. But try to imagine the pain these questions can inflict on those reeling from the sudden loss of a loved one.
At gatherings intended for condolences, some visitors treated the Rafiqs’ home as a social space, laughing and gossiping. Rafiq said others disrespected the family’s wishes for a closed casket, going so far as to try to uncover her brother’s body against explicit instructions. This kind of behavior forced her to take on the role of the protector of her brother’s dignity -- and of her parents’ well-being -- when all she wanted was space to grieve.
After Ali’s passing, one woman told Rabia’s mother, “Well, now your line has ended.” Others openly speculated about possible causes of his death.
“We were just trying to survive,” Rafiq said. She wishes some of those who showed up could have been more respectful.
When people don’t know what to say, they fill the silence with harmful words or actions. Those who feel compelled to play detective, to satisfy their curiosity about the circumstances of death, are making a horrific situation even worse.
Others, uncomfortable with grief, try to normalize the moment with casual chatter or cliches. Those who are grieving may just want compassion and presence. Often that means saying less and listening more: Acknowledge a loss without demanding details. Respect a family’s boundaries. Show up when invited or offer specific support. Avoid careless remarks that suggest blame or speculation.
Words have the power to soothe those who are grieving. Or they can leave even worse scars.