DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it wrong not to give feedback?

I am expected to “like,” whether virtually or in person, every little thing seen, done or eaten by my friends. Every item I buy and every service I use, I am asked, “How’re we doing?”

I don’t mind this if I have a real opinion, good or bad. But for most of it, I just don’t give a (bleep).

So you’re standing in front of a famous mountain. So you notified me that I should get a flu shot. So you sent me the pest spray I ordered (speaking of pests). SO WHAT?

It's not a problem to delete email surveys from companies. But when it comes to personal feedback, some people are nasty about it, threatening to unfriend me.

So is this etiquette now? You have to give feedback to everyone?

GENTLE READER: Not everyone.

Your doctor’s practice has probably survived without your encouragement. And Miss Manners supposes that the people who enabled you to kill your cockroaches have courageously soldiered on, even though you have not declared that you enjoyed the experience and would recommend it to others. As you said, those pleas for praise can be safely ignored.

But you might say a kind word to your friends, explaining that you wish them well, even though you are not attentive about commenting on posts. If they are interested only in collecting “likes,” and if their posts bore you anyway, being unfriended would not be much of a loss. To see if there is anything else there, try communicating directly about areas of mutual interest.

But there are people to whom you most definitely owe feedback: anyone who has been generous to you. That means showing that you like it when someone gives you a present, does you a favor or offers you hospitality.

Just because this act goes by the fusty old name of "thank-you letters," even the most avid like-pursuers fail to realize that it is a form of the same feedback that they crave -- only something more has been done to deserve it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I notice that alcohol has a role in many social invitations: “Would you care to join me for a glass of wine?”

I do enjoy wine, and have for many years, but I’ve decided to stop drinking alcohol for health reasons. I do still enjoy nonalcoholic wine.

How do I politely accept an invitation, while also supplying my own nonalcoholic beverage? My question applies particularly to situations that are spontaneous, such as encountering a neighbor on a patio pouring a glass in that very moment.

GENTLE READER: Surely the key phrase here is “join me,” rather than “glass of wine.”

Don’t you suppose that you could have thanked the neighbor, sat on the patio and socialized while also politely declining the wine?

Yet Miss Manners reminds you that you, too, must treat the drinking part as unimportant. In an indoor setting, a nonalcoholic drink might easily be available. But in the situation you mention, it would probably require you to run home first for your own drink, or your neighbor to go inside to fetch one for you.

So wave away the drink with thanks, enjoy chatting, and -- as you are in your own neighborhood -- when your thirst overcomes you, go home.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I no longer give big birthday or holiday gifts. I do this because a family member died after I had purchased his Christmas gift.

Instead, I give gifts irregularly throughout the year, as I make or come across something that a person will like. I might also repair something for them as a gift, or shovel their snow. Once, I drove someone to outpatient surgery and back, and cared for them until their spouse came home.

Everyone still gets a token gift for their birthday and Christmas. I will say, “You liked last year’s gift so well, I made you another so you'd have a pair.” Or, “You barely got any cookies last year, so I made a batch for you to take home.”

But some people make it known that they feel insulted by the paltriness of what they receive. Please advise me, Miss Manners, on how to either change my ways or ignore this unpleasantness.

GENTLE READER: No one should be challenging the relative paltriness of your presents. The ones you named actually sound thoughtful to Miss Manners, even if the way in which they are delivered seems a bit aggressive.

But for her own clarification: Your reasoning for not giving more substantial presents is that the recipients might die? Welp. There is your answer, if anyone expresses insult: You are simply trying to save that person’s life.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Two of the most important people in my life -- my beloved husband, and my closest partner at work -- share a most annoying habit. The habit is this: When they need something, they suddenly shout out a question before thinking. In these situations, I am usually the only other person in the room.

Examples: At home, my husband will call out, “Where is the olive oil?” (On the counter beside the pepper grinder, where it always is.) At work, my partner will call out, “What's the keyboard command for printing?” (Control-P, as always.)

This is probably my fault, as I am a helpful and accommodating person by nature, and consciously consider how to be of service to those around me by force of habit. However, I find these inquiries very distracting and annoying, as they disrupt my thought process from whatever it was I was cooking or working on in that moment.

In the past, I would stop and answer their questions. Now, however, I adopt a quizzical look, as if I am trying to remember the answer, for whatever amount of time it takes for them to answer their own question.

My hope had been that, over time, this response would teach them to answer their own questions without the shouting. But it has not worked. The shouting continues.

Can Miss Manners suggest a better alternative? It seems that my responses should be different, given the different context in which the questions are asked and my different relationship with who’s doing the asking.

GENTLE READER: Noise-canceling headphones? If you cannot hear the shouting, you do not have to answer the shouting. Miss Manners assures you that vigorously waving to get your attention will get tiresome quickly.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In 2011, I had weight loss surgery. It was very successful, and I’ve managed to keep the weight off. Of course, a lot of people think I "took the easy way" to lose weight, but surgery is not a miracle cure, just a tool.

My best friend has a slight weight problem, or at least she believes she does. I sure don’t see her as needing to lose weight. (And I sure don’t judge people who are overweight, as I’ve been there and know just how hard it is.)

My current problem is actually keeping my weight UP where my doctor (not the weight-loss doctor) wants it. I’m only 5-foot-3, and I feel too heavy at the weight my doctor says is healthy.

What people don’t realize is that it’s just as much a struggle for me to gain weight as it was to lose it. I am VERY careful not to brag, or even talk, about my weight (although others will bring up how small I am). It seems to be OK for them to mention their own weight problems, but heaven help me if I mention that my doctor is not going to be pleased when I weigh in next week.

My friend recently snapped at me, saying she has struggled all her life to lose weight, and that she doesn’t want to hear about me having to gain it. I just said "OK," and that I didn’t see her as being overweight.

I decided to let it go, but it bugs me that everyone else can talk about losing weight, but I am not allowed to talk about gaining it.

For what it’s worth, when I was much heavier, I would look at thin people and wish I had their problems.

GENTLE READER: So you do understand.

Instead of weighing (sorry) the relative inequities of who gets to talk about size and who does not, Miss Manners will tell everyone equally: Just stop it.

Nothing good can come from these discussions. And clearly, assuring your friends that you do not consider them overweight -- and therefore, that it is OK for you to talk about it -- is not the comfort you think it is.

Lead by example and do not contribute to these demoralizing self-assessments. Complain to your not-weight-loss doctor instead.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor/friend came over and said, "I made you a cake for your birthday, and it is also your gift." That would be fine, except she only gave me part of the cake!

Of course I didn’t ask where the rest of it was. I was kind of in shock! Should I be upset that I wasn’t worthy of the whole cake as my birthday gift?

GENTLE READER: Maybe she thought it was your half birthday.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)