DEAR MISS MANNERS: A graduate from a Seven Sisters college, who is the child of a doctor and a lawyer, sends out announcements with a link to her wish list for classroom items.

Is this a subtle request for gifts for herself, or truly a wish to stock her classroom?

GENTLE READER: Well ... Are the requests for construction paper and colored pencils? Or tennis bracelets and home appliances? Miss Manners suggests you check and deduce from there.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When live artists are performing music during the dinner hour at a restaurant, is it rude not to applaud after each number, or should the music simply be considered part of the ambiance?

GENTLE READER: The artists will understand if you do not drop your fork every five minutes to stop and applaud. And the servers will appreciate it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am lucky in that multiple friends of mine offered to host a baby shower for my upcoming arrival. I demurred with all of them and most of them dropped the subject.

Two friends insisted that they wanted to celebrate, and asked me if I would oblige, and I agreed. I provided a list of invitees and offered to drop some if it was too many, named my other friends who had offered to host as potential co-hosts if they so desired, and my registry info.

I did not provide any guidance for the event itself, as I am not the host. They suggested a nice restaurant for the event, which I said was fine.

I received an invitation at the same time as all other guests. The invitation specifies that each guest must pay for their own food and drink.

I am mortified at the prospect of being the guest of honor at an event at which guests must pay for themselves and are also expected to bring a gift. I realize that lunch for 15 at a restaurant is expensive, but would much rather have a casual gathering at a park with cake and bagels than this.

Should I ask them to cancel? Offer to pay the restaurant bill myself? Grin and bear it? I’m also wondering whether Miss Manners has guidance regarding what a guest of honor should do to prevent this from happening.

GENTLE READER: You had the right idea when you refused the offers in the first place. Miss Manners was wondering why you did so, but you know your friends better than she does.

If you can manage to pay for everyone, that would be the most gracious -- if expensive -- option. Perhaps just making the offer will shame your hosts into realizing what they have done. Perhaps not.

In general, guests of honor should try to suss out the scope of it all before agreeing to anything. “The Plaza is lovely, but way too expensive, I’m afraid. Perhaps a local cafe would be more manageable?” And if pressed, “I would be happy to contribute to the cost of wherever you choose; I just want to make sure that there is no burden on the guests.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am on a team in an adult sports league. At the end of the season, the team decided to have a party. One of the members volunteered to host it, but then decided to invite other people who aren’t associated with the team.

The get-together is no longer a “team” party. Is it proper etiquette for someone who volunteered to host a party for a select group to invite her own additional guests?

GENTLE READER: No, but before she ruins the party, Miss Manners would like to check that we all know the score.

The team party was never going to be strictly members of the team, any more than non-players were barred from attendance at games. Even at practice, there might have been a coach, a groundskeeper and the guy with the keys to the clubhouse in attendance.

By similar logic, it is not fair to expect the hostess to lock the door to family members, spouses or the high school friend who is staying with her for the weekend.

The issue is whether the focus remains, as promised, on celebrating the team’s victories (or consoling their defeats). But she will agree with you that having everyone arrive to learn they are outnumbered is poor sportsmanship.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I took a friend to lunch. She looked at her watch at least 20 times during the meal. This made me nervous, like we were supposed to hurry up.

I finally realized her watch was displaying her incoming text messages. What should I say next time?

GENTLE READER: “Is everything OK?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a small, family-run restaurant. The owner is from Ukraine. She is fluent in English, but speaks with a notable accent.

I am from the area the restaurant is located in, and I have lived here all of my life. Over the course of a month, I have had about five different patrons ask if I am related to my boss or if I am also from Ukraine "because of my accent."

I do not have one. I know that accents are often hard for the speaker to notice, but I feel like I would be aware if I had developed a Ukrainian accent thick enough to sound like it is my first language.

What exactly should I say when people ask? I’d like to stay silent or move on to the next part of the conversation, but often that’s not a viable thing to do in these exchanges.

GENTLE READER: Restaurant patrons should not be asking such questions, but Miss Manners understands that they do -- and that appearing to be offended or unfriendly can have adverse consequences for both the business and your employment.

The polite response is to say, in a bright, friendly way, "No, I'm from here" -- before moving on to restaurant business. This will not lessen your own annoyance at being asked, but if it ever-so-slightly embarrasses the patron, perhaps you will have saved the next employee from such unwanted attention.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I came home from work one evening and found my daughter on the phone, so I passed her a note. She immediately said, “I am on the phone, Dad.”

I was upset by this response, and asked who she was talking to -- to make sure I didn’t interrupt anything important -- but it happened to be her boyfriend.

Am I overreacting, or she was she wrong to say that?

GENTLE READER: Was she wrong to remind you that she was on the phone -- and that your note was therefore an interruption, even if not a verbal one? Or was she wrong to tell you who was on the other end?

No and, judging by your reaction, yes.

Miss Manners cannot answer your leading question about overreacting, as it presupposes your daughter’s guilt. But she can point out that if your daughter is old enough to have a boyfriend, it is no longer your prerogative to determine what constitutes an important call.

Assuming your note was not to tell her that the house was on fire, the polite thing for you to do would have been to hold your communications until she finished her call.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our small rural community had a fire in three downtown buildings that caused the food pantry to need a new location.

On the spur of the moment, when I was talking with the food pantry's manager, I graciously offered him my beloved stereo receiver and CD player, along with some CDs, thinking he would use it at the food pantry. (We had been downsizing at our house, and our stereo was not being used.)

The manager was very pleased at my offer. I made it clear (my husband was witness) that if he didn’t want it later, he should get ahold of me and I would take it back.

I checked back last week and found out that he decided he didn’t want it at the pantry, so he gave it away to someone he thought would enjoy it. I was very angry when I found out, and told him that was not the arrangement we'd made and that I wanted it back.

Was I wrong in asking for it back? Now that I have calmed down and thought about it, I don’t know what I am going to do with it if I get it back. I feel better knowing that someone can have some joy using it.

How can I save face and tell him that we will let it be, and that it doesn’t need to be returned?

GENTLE READER: That will depend on what you mean by "very angry" -- and Miss Manners would leave the assessment of that to a more impartial witness than yourself.

Certainly, an apology is needed, not just an explanation. Whether that should be in person or in written form will depend on whether the manager is likely to bolt the door and reach for the fire extinguisher when he sees you coming.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)