DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had season tickets to the orchestra for a couple of decades. For evening concerts, the orchestra wears white tie, and women soloists wear evening dress. For afternoon concerts, the soloists still wear evening dress, and the men in the orchestra wear black suits, black shirts and black ties.

The musicians who are women, however, wear an assortment of black clothes: from black slacks with a regular black shirt to an orchestra musician’s traditional long black dress.

In my opinion, some of the women look as though they should be turning on the TV and getting a big bowl of popcorn.

GENTLE READER: Strange, isn’t it, that when formal clothes are called for, men are often now more dressed up than women? Not counting the Oscars, of course.

Miss Manners has noticed this in orchestras, but also at social events. The men will be properly -- not to mention attractively -- clad in dinner jackets, while many of the women hardly bother to dress up.

Granted, women are expected to show variety in their outfits, and there are unlikely to be enough formal events in modern life for them to invest in an evening wardrobe.

But even when such occasions were more common, ladies knew how to dress up without maintaining costume shops -- pairing basic dresses with scarves, jewelry or little jackets. Miss Manners herself once managed one carry-on bag to the Wagner festival at Bayreuth -- encompassing 10 formal evenings -- with one evening dress and a different look every night.

As for orchestras, surely women musicians can find long black dresses or trouser suits they can wear at every concert. Variety is not a concern in this case.

Of course, these garments would have to allow for ease in playing their instruments. Miss Manners recalls reading about a cellist who tried on a dress in a New York department store by sitting down and opening her legs to accommodate an imaginary cello -- whereupon the saleswoman said sternly, “Madam! Bergdorf’s is not that kind of store!”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m in my late 70s and enjoy spending time with my adult children. My son-in-law drives a van, which is very hard for me to get into. I would prefer to take our car, which is easy for me. However, anytime we go as a group, we take his van.

When I asked my husband what we might do to avoid my difficulty, he just said, “(Son-in-law) likes to drive.”

I’m spending my second day in pain from getting in and out of this van. Would it be rude of me to insist on taking our car? How should I express my needs without seeming too demanding? Also, I’m not able to drive at night.

GENTLE READER: So you really need your son-in-law’s help in getting around, and it is not unreasonable for him to use his own car -- especially as there seem to be several people in this group, and a van is probably a better fit.

Miss Manners is not unsympathetic with you; she mentions this only to free you from any sense of victimhood. And then to tell you to buy a small folding footstool to keep in the van for these excursions.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After several decades of typing on keyboards, I have lost my ability to write nicely by hand. My solution is to send electronic notes -- for expressing appreciation, recognizing significant events, etc.

There are several lovely e-card forms available. Using them results in more timely responses, as well as significant savings over printed cards and postage.

I feel it would be nice if Miss Manners would acknowledge that electronic thank-yous are as valid as handwritten in today’s communication environment. Any thank-you is better than no thank-you at all.

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but you will have to snatch the fountain pen out of Miss Manners’ cold, lifeless hand before she agrees that electronic messages are as meaningful as handwritten ones.

She will concede, however, that any response is better than no response (has it really come to this?) as long as the sentiment itself is not computer-generated. “Thank you for the (insert present) that you gave me. It was very special and/or significant” is not fooling anyone.

As for your argument about saving money? Miss Manners highly doubts that the dozen or so letters you write annually is anywhere near the equivalent cost of the computer that you no doubt replace every few years.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a rough spot financially. I really can’t afford to attend concerts, grab coffee, dine at restaurants, etc.

Every time a friend makes a request to spend time together, I have to turn them down because I can’t afford the outing. Every time someone asks me to contribute to a fundraiser for their children, or to a cause they represent, I must leave the request hanging.

Can you provide a graceful way to decline that hints as to why? I know I am under no obligation to give a reason for declining, but when I’m saying "no" every single time someone invites me to socialize, they are naturally going to begin to speculate why. I would hate for them to conclude that I am simply miserly or uninterested in the friendship.

I have an advanced education and work in a field that people often assume pays well; I suspect that makes people quick to jump to conclusions other than a lack of money.

GENTLE READER: What you are likely referencing is Miss Manners’ advice that one not provide excuses when declining invitations. Doing so usually requires lying -- or sharing too much truth.

But as you say, if you keep telling your friends "no" with zero follow-up, they are going to assume you are rejecting the friendship, not the events to which you are invited. A minimal explanation, such as, “Thank you, I’m watching my budget, but I would love to see you for a walk/picnic/free museum” should suffice without exposing your entire financial situation.

But for those seeking contributions for fundraisers, ignoring or rejecting the request is fine. If you feel compelled to give a brief explanation, “Thank you, but my discretionary funds are allocated elsewhere” is plenty. That they are being allocated toward your own bills and groceries need not be disclosed.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was extremely fortunate: My tumor was removed and I did not require radiation or chemo. I have my screenings yearly and all has been well.

Am I a "cancer survivor"? I never want to take anything away from someone who had a much more difficult battle than I did. I don’t want to use the term incorrectly.

GENTLE READER: First of all, Miss Manners would like to say how fortunate it is that you are now well. Even the mildest forms of cancer are frightening.

Now for the admonishment:

Are you (and the rest of the world) under the impression that cancer is a competition? Or worse, a war to be fought? Metaphors like “losing,” “fighting,” “succumbing” or even “surviving” the “battle” add a stigma to a situation that was never a fair contest.

Miss Manners would prefer that any such label be dispensed with altogether. If it comes up in conversation, you simply say that you had cancer, and that now, thankfully, you are doing well. That is as much of a description as is necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a 1-year-old grandchild who lives 90 miles from us. Our frustration comes from their parents advising us to purchase gifts only from their curated wish list.

They strongly defend the list as their "knowing what’s best" for their child. I have twice been rebuked for varying from said items, once by brand and once by color. It’s nearly impossible to get the exact item requested, given the endless choices of children’s products out there. When receiving a thank-you, the items that weren't from the list are not mentioned.

Last Christmas, we were forced to keep an item that cost $100 when we were told that they had bought their own version for their child, and it was too late for us to return ours. You can imagine our surprise when we visited them and saw our grandchild playing with some plastic toys, which we had been told were unacceptable.

We feel the joy of shopping for our young grandchild has been completely usurped, and we don’t relish having to do so for many years to come. Should we accept this disheartened feeling and follow the list to keep the peace?

GENTLE READER: No, please resist. Miss Manners does not wish to live in a world in which the registry bullies win.

You might tell the parents, “We enjoy getting things for Graham, and while you know what’s best for him, we like to have a little fun with it, too. Perhaps while he is young, we will just stick to experiences -- like taking him to the park when we are in town -- instead of giving him presents.”

As he gets older, Graham will surely start to have his own opinions about what he likes to play with. And you can start to form your ideas more directly from the toddler’s mouth.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)