DEAR NATALIE: My best friend told me that she is thinking about leaving her husband of eight years. They have three kids and a beautiful life (at least from my vantage point). When I asked her why, she said she never got a chance to be single. She married him straight out of medical school and then they had their second baby at that point. She said that she’s exhausted playing wife and mother and wants to have an adventure. I then asked her if she was thinking of leaving her kids, too, because it sounded a little bit like she wanted to literally up and disappear. She said no but that she does want to take a long vacation away from everything and everyone. She’s sick of practicing medicine and needs a change from that, too. I think she is completely overwhelmed and just needs a break. It ended awkwardly because I told her that she was being selfish. I don’t even know why I said that, but I think I really hurt her feelings. What can I do now to fix things? I don’t want her to feel judged, even though she did catch me off guard. – LOST HER MIND

DEAR LOST HER MIND: Clearly you are still holding onto some judgment considering how you signed your letter to me. Let’s take a step back for a moment and see the big picture. She, like many people, does all the things they are told that they are “supposed to do” which is marry, have a family, build a career…and many are left wanting something “else.” Perhaps the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow isn’t as shiny and big as we think it is? Perhaps there’s no gold at all. Whatever the case may be, she sounds like she is having a breakdown and needs more than just a break. She needs a way to reconnect to herself, her inner child and find some space to build a sense of self outside of the many labels she wears that may not accurately reflect who she is. Do I think she should leave it all behind? No. I don’t think blowing up your life when you are in a crisis is a smart or healthy strategy that will bring long-term peace or fulfillment. But the first thing she needs to do is hear an apology from you. Build from there. She is going to need true friends in order to navigate her emotional waves right now. Seeing a doctor may also be a good idea. Not because she needs to numb her feelings or mask them with medication, but to gather information. There may be ways for her to realign with herself, feel better and move forward with a new purpose. Depending on how old she is, hormonal changes could also be impacting her physical and mental health, and that is another thing a doctor could address. But all of that is up to her. Your job is to stand beside her and remind her that you are there for her. Not as a therapist. Not as a judge. But as a friend. It sounds as though she needs one more than ever. 

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have been on and off for years. We are currently “on” and recently became pregnant with our second child after being on a break for about two months. In that time, I hooked up with someone else and then started sleeping with my ex again. He had asked if I had been with anyone else and I said no. That was a lie. Because of this situation, I am unsure if he actually is the father of this baby. I don’t know what to do, as the other guy I slept with would not be someone I would want to be with in the longterm. Should I tell my boyfriend about my situation or should I just keep it to myself? We are in a “good” place currently and I’m afraid this will ruin everything. Any ideas? – MUM’S THE WORD

DEAR MUM’S THE WORD: Trying to build a foundation on lies is like building one on sand. It will shift, something will disturb it and it will fall. Why do you both keep playing this game with each other? The yo-yo is exhausting in the long run and will cause the relationship to fizzle out. There will be resentment and anger that you wasted time and energy. Better to just tell him the truth now and put all the cards on the table. Remind him that you were “on a break” and didn’t cheat on him, but that you should not have lied to him when he asked you if you had slept with anyone during that time. Why did you lie to him? Think on that first before you share. What are you holding back from him or yourself? What truth are you afraid of? Until you can both be vulnerable with one another, this relationship won’t be able to move forward in a meaningful way.

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DEAR NATALIE: I started an OnlyFans account when I was in college to help make ends meet and the account blew up. It’s fairly innocent in comparison to what other people are doing on the app and I am almost done paying off all of my student loans because of the money I made. Well, I started dating someone and he has been super supportive about me working in that space. He’s a content creator, himself, and has offered to film my videos to help improve the quality of them. We did a few and they performed really well. I told him that I appreciated his help and wanted to know if he knew anyone – preferably a woman – who could film my stuff regularly. He got pretty upset. He said why wouldn’t I ask him to do it since we are dating? I told him that was exactly why I wouldn’t want him doing this long-term, because it could cause issues in our relationship. And what happens if we break up? Plus, I feel like he is trying to horn in on my business and take a cut of what I’m making. We got into a big fight and now he is “rethinking” my work and isn’t sure he supports it. He flipped a switch and started acting super possessive and controlling. What should I do? I really liked him. – ONLYFANS IS ONLY FOR ME

DEAR ONLYFANS IS ONLY FOR ME: You control your business. Period. If he doesn’t like your decision to want to work with a female videographer, then he can go pound salt. You have managed to pay off your debt with this work and while it was kind of him to help you elevate the production quality of a few of your videos, that does not give him ownership to your process or entitle him to an opinion about how you run your operations. My grandmother always used to say, “see someone in all four seasons before you make a decision about them.” I couldn’t agree more. You have seen him when things are going his way, and now you are seeing him when he’s being told no. If this is how he reacts now, then what makes you think things will get better from here? Cut him loose and make your money, secure financial freedom and decide what you want from your life — and from a partner.

DEAR NATALIE: My husband of two years just admitted to being addicted to pornography. This has been something I have been concerned about for a while, but I didn’t have any “proof” until I accidentally walked in on him when he was home alone. I had taken the baby for a walk and he told me he was going to get some studying done. He’s in law school. I have come to find out that not only was he not studying, he’s on the verge of flunking out of school because he hasn’t been doing his work or showing up for class. Instead, he’s been hiding this from me and it could end up destroying everything we have been building. He was crying and saying he wants to change but can’t stop. I have no idea what to do. I noticed him pulling away from me sexually over the past few months, but I just thought that he was tired because of the baby keeping us both up at night. I didn’t realize that while I was handling all of the responsibilities at home and going to work, he was engaging in this behavior online. What do we do? Our church frowns upon therapy and he is pushing for us to see our pastor instead of a therapist. But I think we could use both perspectives. What do you think? – CAUGHT HIM 

DEAR CAUGHT HIM: There is a lot to unpack here and it would be best to do this with a licensed professional who has worked with addiction and intimacy issues. The fact that he is flunking out of law school and was hiding not just his issue with pornography, but also the issue with law school – is deeply concerning. Unless he is willing to commit to therapy and to your marriage, the rest doesn’t matter. He needs to understand what the underlying issues are that are driving his addiction. It sounds as though he comes from a religious background and I wonder if the constraints of that value system pushed him in the opposite direction. Then, the shame of what he was doing kept him from being honest with you. Now that his secrets are out in the open, perhaps he has a chance to course correct. It may take a lot of time and energy. The question is – do you think this marriage is worth saving and what are you willing to sacrifice to save your relationship?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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Watch her NEW show on WQED: Destination with Natalie Bencivenga

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DEAR NATALIE: While I was recovering from cancer treatments, my husband and I agreed to make our marriage “open” temporarily since he was very unhappy that I couldn’t have sex with him. Over the last two years, I’ve battled a debilitating form of cancer that has left sex as the last thing on my mind. I am exhausted from treatments, from taking care of our children and from working. I have begged and pleaded with my husband to understand, but he has been nothing but difficult during this whole ordeal. So, finally I relented. Now that my cancer treatments are behind me, I am trying to get back to life in a more fulfilling way. I told my husband I wanted us to go to therapy and work on our relationship. I don’t want an open marriage. He became belligerent. I am not sure how to move forward here. He wants the best of both worlds. He wants a wife to take care of him, and then he wants a mistress – to take “care” of him. My children are small and I’m not in a position to support them as a single mother. What should I do? – BATTLED ENOUGH

DEAR BATTLED ENOUGH: A study published in Cancer found that divorce or separation rates were significantly higher when the female partner was ill (20.8%) compared to when the male partner was ill (2.9%). So it is no surprise to me that your husband decided his marriage vows didn’t mean that much to him. I know you said that you can’t afford to stay in this marriage, but what steps can you take to work towards financial independence? It may be better to set yourself up for success in case you do need to leave him at some point. Consult with a financial planner and see what your options could look like. In the meantime, if he won’t go to therapy with you, go by yourself. You have been through a life changing experience as well as a traumatic one. I truly hope that you are able to find a way to move forward without this toxic relationship. You deserve to be in a space of healing and I worry he will only cause you more harm. 

DEAR NATALIE: My bestie has been having a full-blown affair for about two months now. She keeps telling me she is going to stop seeing this guy, but she doesn’t. I think it is just the thrill of it. She is a beautiful woman and is married to a wonderful guy. Everyone loves them as a couple and they are so good together. But, she turned 40 and snapped. She has no interest in telling her husband what is going on and he is starting to get suspicious. He even asked me the other day if he thought that she was having an affair. It was sad. I hate lying, and while I don’t want to be involved, she is my best friend. What should I do if he asks again? – NONE OF MY BUSINESS

DEAR NONE OF MY BUSINESS: If your friend wants to blow up her marriage, that is her business. But she made it your business when her husband started asking you questions. It isn’t fair to put you in the middle of their relationship drama. You need to have a sit-down with her and let her know exactly how you feel about this. Tell her that if she wants to continue this affair, you don’t want to know anything about it because it is causing you anxiety. She can’t expect you to lie for her forever and nor should you if you don’t feel comfortable doing that. This won’t end well, but it isn’t because of you – just remember that. He’s going to find out at some point. You’re allowed to keep your side of the street clean.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show on WQED: Destination with Natalie Bencivenga

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear