DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve messaged before and been a different alias here. I’m uh, messaging again because I find myself in this existential break point of whether or not it’s even possible to find love for someone like me who hasn’t really had much at 28. I currently disregard myself from it because I struggle with self-hate and while I’m trying to combat that (therapy, writing about it, etc.), it doesn’t feel like it’s enough, so I stay away from active attempts partially because of that but also, partially because I’m isolated and don’t know how or where to even go to meet someone. 

I’m on the apps but they feel difficult for my demographic (I’m one of the lowest ranking ones on the male side according to studies that may or may not be bulls--t) but regardless of difficult, I feel like it’s slot machines even though I’m genuinely being myself and sounding like a real human man as opposed to ChatGPT (I do bespoke comments and/or jokes if they mention liking funny).

I think I’m fighting hard to not give into despair about trying to find love/anything in the year 2025 but it’s hard and so, hence the message. Maybe your blog response here will push me to another island of thought.

Drowning In The Sea of Darkness

DEAR DROWNING IN THE SEA OF DARKNESS: It’s absolutely possible for you to find love, Drowning. But I think you touched on what you need at the top of your letter: you need to make finding love for yourself a higher priority than trying to find someone to love. I don’t think you have to give up on dating, necessarily, but I think you should recognize that it should be a much lesser concern than taking care of yourself and getting yourself to a good place.

There’re a lot of reasons why I keep hammering on Ru Paul’s quote that “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” but one of the biggest is that it’s hard to give that love to someone or receive it back when you don’t have any for yourself. You’re trying to pour from an empty cup, and you won’t trust others when they try to pour into yours – why would you, when you don’t understand how they aren’t seeing how awful you supposedly are? At best, you’re starting a timer that’s counting down until you push them away because you don’t deserve to be happy. At worst… well, at worst is when you punish them for trying to love you, because you’re afraid of feeling hope.

Learning to love yourself increases your ability to love others, because you have more to give and more to offer. You can see your own value and understand how to bring value to others. Being able to give that love to others ultimately brings more back to you, simply because love isn’t a zero-sum game; it multiplies the more you share it. It may not always return in the ways you expect, but it does come back. So, in a very real way, learning to love yourself makes it much easier to find the love you’re looking for from others.

The key to learning to love yourself is two-fold, and it’s deceptively simple. It’s not just a matter of stopping yourself from hating yourself; it’s a matter of increasing the love you feel as well. It’s a bit like driving a car; taking your foot off the brake may let the car roll forward, but you have to push down on the accelerator to actually make it go.

Right now, you’re doing a lot of the work to take your foot off the brake, and I’m proud of you for the work you’ve been putting in. Going to therapy and journaling are all great steps, and you absolutely should keep going with those. But it needs to be combined with increasing your love for yourself while minimizing the things that get in the way of feeling it.

This is one reason why I think it would be in your best interest to get off the apps for now. I’ve ranted before about the way that dating apps have changed for the worse, and that still applies, but I think the bigger issue isn’t the apps as much as how they make you feel. Using the apps to meet people means that you’re opening yourself up to far more rejection – both explicitly from folks saying “thank you but I’m not interested” but also implicitly from silence and a lack of matches. That can f--k with people’s heads when they’re in a good place. When they’re in a bad place in their lives, it can be ruinous, because it’s so, so f--king easy to take it personally. Even when it isn’t.

You say up front that you’re part of a target demographic that does poorly on the apps; I’m sure you can see how the mindset you currently have would make you feel so much worse. When you already hate yourself, it’s incredibly easy to take things like silence as a referendum on you as a person and turn something as simple as your ethnicity as yet another mark against you and why you’re supposedly worthless. It may not be true, but that doesn’t stop it from hurting, nor does that understanding stop it from stabbing you in your most vulnerable spots with tiny knives. Even needles can do significant damage if you get stabbed with them enough times and in the right spots.

So turning off the tap of incoming despair – in this case, putting the apps aside for now – is important. It’s like trying to put out a fire while someone keeps running around throwing lit matches at new piles of dry brush. You don’t need to add yet another source of negative reinforcement while you’re on this journey. But note that this isn’t the same as giving up on dating; it’s just a matter of recognizing now is not the right time to be using this tool.

But like I said: you don’t want to just remove the hate, you want to increase the love, and that requires more effort and thought on your part, because it’s going to require a diversity of effort.

Treating yourself well is an important part of it. You want to do things that not only make you feel good but remind you that you deserve good things and to feel good about yourself. This isn’t just about looking at yourself in the mirror and repeating affirmations and compliments – though I do recommend this. It’s also about taking care of yourself, making sure you eat a balanced and nutritious diet, drinking plenty of water, getting sunshine and regular exercise. It means keeping your place clean, maintaining your grooming and hygiene and living like you actually give a damn about yourself. Think of it like a zookeeper taking care of a majestic tiger; they need a clean and hygienic enclosure, plenty of active enrichment and nutritious food to be happy and healthy.

But the other part is to do things that bring love and goodness to others as well. Part of why self-hate is such an easy trap to fall into is because it’s self-maintaining. All you have to do is… nothing. If you think you’re not just worthless but a net negative to others, you’re more incentivized to isolate yourself. Better to hide yourself away from the world than to make it worse for others, and hiding yourself away only serves to convince you that there’s nothing you can do. It reinforces your sense of helplessness and hopelessness.

So I would recommend finding ways to help others, bring more joy to the world and to make the world even a little better. Volunteering your time is a perfect option for this, whether it’s working to help build a community garden, visiting elderly people who might be isolated and hungry, working at an animal shelter or taking shifts at the food bank or local soup kitchen. By looking for ways to help others, you’re showing that you’re not a drain on the world. Quite the opposite: your actions are making life better for people, in small but concrete ways. It’s a reminder that, no matter what feelings you’re experiencing about yourself, that you are improving the world for people through your presence and your actions.

Remember what I said about how putting love out into the world sends love back to you? This is part of how it works. Taking care of animals in the shelter and helping them find their forever homes, helping other people feel less isolated and lonely, even just making sure underserved and underprivileged people get access to resources and help they need are acts of love. It’s not gratitude that brings the love back, it’s just seeing how you increased the love and joy in the world by pushing back the darkness that does it. Knowing that you were able to make someone’s life a little better, their community a little safer or more secure? That reminds you that maybe you’re not as awful or worthless as you think. It means that there are people in the world who will be thankful that you are here, because of the way you’ve affected them. Just as those little needles can cause harm when you pile enough of them together, those little moments of grace and add up fast, too.

Oh, there’s also a bonus to this: it forces you out of your isolation and out into the world. Volunteering is a team sport; it requires many people to come and work together towards a worthy goal, and there’s nothing that unites people quite having a goal that you’re striving for as one. It puts you in contact, not just with the folks you’re helping, but your fellow helpers, people who are going to see you doing your best to be your best and to bring more light to the world. That’s going to encourage them to see the good in you, just as you’re having to admit that it’s there too. That’s going to reinforce that sense of self-love; you’ll not only see it for yourself, but you’ll also see it through their eyes too, just as they’ll see their own value and worth through yours.

And let me tell you: on those long, dark nights of the soul, when it’s 3 AM and your inner demons have come out to dance and scream and remind you of all the things you think make you worthless, being able to look at the work you’ve done and the hope you’ve brought to others pushes back. The yellow radiance of fear and despair can’t hold out against the blue flames of hope. That hope and kindness kindles love and that love spreads.   

In helping others, you help yourself. In spreading love, you increase love, including for yourself. And by giving love away, you increase your capacity for it and your ability to receive it when it comes back to you – and it always will.

That’s the kind of love that’s going to make it much easier and less frustrating to find the romantic love you’re hoping for. In fact, as you make progress on this journey, you may be surprised that it finds you, when you least expected it and in ways you never anticipated.

Give yourself permission to put the search for love from others aside for the moment and focus on building that love for yourself. I promise you: it will make everything else possible and open up chances and opportunities that you can’t see now.

Even in the blackest of nights, hope always shines bright. Spread some hope for others and you’ll find it for yourself too.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve recently found myself in a new situation, one I’m completely unprepared for.

I’m 32, and have been happily unattached since one moderately toxic and all-consuming relationship in my late teens and early twenties. I identify as ace, both asexual and aromantic. My social life is full of friends and family and I really value the ability to retreat to my own home where no one else goes at the end of the day. I have a very large preference for personal space, and very little desire to get close enough to people to touch or smell them. I’m not averse to the occasional hug, but I’m not seeking out physical intimacy. People express interest in me every so often, and I enjoy the attention, but I’ve never wanted to pursue anything past a first date or a night of dancing. Basically, I’ve done my own thing for my whole adult life and consider myself very satisfied with that part of my world.

Then I made a new friend. We started running into each other around town a few months ago, and we’ve met up for lunch a few times and (at time of writing) are going to get dinner together on Friday night. She’s one of the most honestly joyful people I’ve ever met. She radiates genuine happiness and is so easy to talk to. I admire the work she does in our community and respect her outlook on the world and life. We have great conversations, and she actively schedules lunch meetups and responds enthusiastically to my invitations, so I know that at the very least, she likes me as a person and a friend. I think she’s beautiful and I think about her all the time. Whenever we spend time together, even if she’s just stopping by my (public-facing) desk at work, I feel like I’m glowing for the rest of the day. I’ve even had dreams about being intimate with her, and I’ve never had anything like a sex dream before in my life. I am trying very hard to pump the brakes, to not put her on a pedestal or expect anything in return just because my feelings are new and exciting. I’m sure she’d be very kind if I told her my feelings, but the nervousness is not a hurdle I’m sure I want to try to overcome.

On her side of things, she went through a major life upheaval in the last couple of years: getting a divorce, starting her transition, and moving across the country. She’s mentioned dating people since moving here, but I can’t help but think about all the ways I’m probably not what she’s looking for. For example, she’s 51, so almost 20 years older. I told her about a new piercing I got, and she told me she got the same one…. the year I was born. That drove home to me how she has lightyears more experience than me, not just in dating but in wanting to date. I would be starting from scratch if she did want to try a relationship, and from less than that when it comes to sex.

I know the answer to the question of “how do I start?” is “just start”, but I don’t want to put unfair pressure on her just because I’ve never wanted to start with anyone else. I would never want her to feel like an experiment, but I also can’t help but see it that way, at least a little. When I say “I’ve never felt like this before about anyone,” I don’t mean unusually intense feelings, I mean any feelings. This is more than brand new to me.

And then on my side of things, I can’t help but wonder, what if I cool off? This feels so special and unique, what if it changes when I try to act on it? What if she lets me close and I discover I really don’t like sex with another person, not even her? It would be doubly unfair to ask her to let me try something new with her, just to discover that I really don’t want anything more after all. 

So my question for you is: Is it worth it? It’s scary. But… what if?

Thanks,

Terra Nova

DEAR TERRA NOVA: Ok I’m going to say this flat out: you are seriously overthinking… well, pretty much all of this, TN. And that’s OK! It’s entirely understandable that you’re deep in your own head over this. This is all brand new and novel to you, so of course you’re getting your brain tangled up in knots.  If this is the first time you’ve experienced any sort of romantic or sexual attraction in… let’s say 20+ years, based on the average age of onset of puberty, then the fact that you’re having these feelings after three decades of being aro/ace is going to be the real life equivalent of a mid-90s comic declaring that EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT WOLVERINE WAS WRONG!

Just, y’know. Hopefully with better art than about 75% of those.

(The Barry Windsor-Smith illustrated Weapon X series is incredibly tight though…)

So right from the top: this actually isn’t unusual. A lot of people who’ve been fairly rock solid in their sexual identity �– whether they’re ace, aro or varying flavors and degrees of queer – have found themselves in the curious and occasionally upsetting position of suddenly having feelings that they never thought they would experience. Sometimes it’s an asexual person like you who may be experiencing sexual attraction for the first time, sometimes it’s realizing you’re attracted to someone who’s not who you are normally into and sometimes it’s moving to a different spot on the gender spectrum.

And honestly, the word “spectrum” is almost a misnomer; in a lot of cases, it’s less of a spectrum and more of a radar chart. Human sexuality, gender and sexual identity are incredibly complex, and don’t always fit in nice, neat categories. Sometimes there’s some slipperiness; one person of a particular gender might flip their switches; they might find that they’re more bi or pansexual than they thought or that their concept of their gender has changed as they’ve grown and matured and become more comfortable and familiar with themselves.

In your case, so far, we have exactly one (1) person in your life who’s hit those particular buttons and now you’re left wondering what to do.

Well, let me ask you: what do you want? Let’s leave all the other questions out of it for a second and focus on you. Assuming that everything else is cool, there’s no risk and everyone would be down if you were to make a move… is this something you’d actually want to pursue? And if so, are you interested in pursuing this out of a more general curiosity, or is it more about your friend specifically?

Take a bit of time to think about it; there isn’t a need to have an answer right away, so you’re in a position where you can explore these feelings. The answer is less important than putting some thought into the matter.

While you’re pondering that, I have a couple of other questions for you to think about. This is less about “what to do” so much as taking a moment to really explore the dimensions, textures and shape of these feelings. This can be helpful in part because the novelty can be overwhelming and end up obscuring other aspects that might give you a clearer idea of what’s going on and why. There aren’t any wrong answers or right answers here; it’s just about getting a better understanding of yourself and your emotional landscape.

So the next question I have whether you’ve really sat and explored these feelings beyond “huh, I’m having unusual feelings about my friend.” Do any of them feel similar or familiar to ways you’ve felt before, or are they entirely new and unlike everything else? Does this feel, for example, similar to that toxic-yet-all-consuming relationship you had in your late teens and early 20s?

If not quite like that, then have you something similar – if less intense – about other friends before? That is: have you had friends who would occupy your mind or that you’d especially look forward to seeing or talking to? Have friends given you similar happy feelings when you’ve been hanging out with them? People do get friend-crushes or platonic-crushes on folks, where they feel particularly strongly or intensely about someone without it being romantic or sexual. Sometimes it’s just a case of “this person’s really cool and I like being around them” or even a little like being a starstruck fan… just with someone you know.

Similarly, what is the order that you started experiencing these feelings? Did you start feeling that warm happy glow from talking to her before or after you had your first sex dream about her?

This is going to sound weirdly pedantic but stick with me for a second, I promise it will make sense. One of the things that a lot of allosexuals have experienced is having a completely random sex dream about someone, often someone utterly unexpected. It could be a teacher, a classmate, a close friend or a friend’s sibling that you would never have thought of in that way normally. Hell, sometimes folks will have sex dreams about people they completely loathe. In many cases, these dreams will leave them scratching their head and saying “well that got weird”… but sometimes the feelings will linger longer than the dream itself.

More than a few people have had crushes that sprung fully formed out of sex dreams, simply because they had that dream and they can’t quite get it out of their head.

Hence, I’m asking you whether it’s possible that your feelings for your friend got more intense after the sex dream? Or would it be more accurate to say that the intense feelings came first? Again: there aren’t any right or wrong answers and this isn’t going to meaningfully change my advice; it’s primarily for your own benefit and understanding.

As you start to get more of a handle on what you’re feeling, let me point this out: a lot of what you’re describing sounds a lot like limerence – what most people would call ‘puppy love’ – or a first crush. A lot of people’s first experiences with this sort of attraction are described in very similar ways. It’s a little intense and overwhelming in part because of how new it is and how very present it is, and it can be incredibly formative for many… but it also tends to be transitory. A lot of folks may look back with fondness on their first crush, but it’s very rare that those turned into anything more than just a first crush.��So it’s certainly possible that you’re right: these feelings will fade in time, and possibly sooner than you’d think. That doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t act on them – more on that in a second – but just understanding that statistically speaking this is unlikely to be feelings that will last a lifetime. Recognizing that is going to be an important thing to take onboard when you’re deciding what, if anything, you may want to do about this.

But that takes us to the meat of your letter: what do you do? Well, for one thing, I think you need to stop making unfounded assumptions about your friend and how she feels. Not whether she might or might not return your feelings, but the way you’re making these statements about fairness or the importance of how experienced she is vs. how inexperienced you are. You’re basing these assumptions on facts not in evidence; this is entirely based on what you think is going to be important to her or what she might want. She might – and I need to really stress the word might here – well think it’s hot to take a younger man and show him the ways of the world. Your lack of experience in this case wouldn’t be a burden or “putting pressure” on her, it would be the thing that makes it intriguing and exciting. Sure, it sounds like a porn scenario, but it’s also a fairly common fantasy for women.

Similarly, you’re also assuming that either of you would want a relationship. While intellectually I know that you know that feelings aren’t a mandate, the fact that you’re having crush-like feelings for someone doesn’t immediately translate to “I must pursue something serious with them!” I’ve said before that having a crush doesn’t mean that you need to do something about those feelings; well it’s also true that pursuing something with your crush doesn’t mean that you have to leap to a serious or long-term relationship. Being attracted to someone doesn’t mean that you need to run this down to marriage and commitment; in fact, there are plenty of times when those feelings wouldn’t support one.

In fact, in many cases, something short-term or even just casual would be preferable. Culturally, we put a lot of importance and meaning on long-term relationships and treat them as being inherently superior and more significant than something short term or even just two (or more!) people having fun together for a bit. But the truth is that short term relationships can be as meaningful, as important and impactful and as special as one that goes for years or decades. So if – if! – you and your friend were to decide to get together, you’re not handcuffed together like you’re in The Defiant Ones. This isn’t an all-or-nothing situation; it could just as easily be a quick fling before going back to being just friends or having a one-off and realizing that while it was fun, there’s just not enough there for more than that.

Just as importantly though, you’re assuming a lot about what your friend would be looking for, based on… well, I’m not sure, exactly, seeing as you say she mentioned dating but no more details than that. You’re filling in a whole lotta blanks out of pure supposition rather than fact, and even the facts that you do know suggest that maaaaybe she’s not looking for The One. You mention that she’s just had multiple major life upheavals – divorce, transitioning and moving across the country are all pretty huge changes. I think it’s far more likely that she might not want to add trying to manage a serious relationship on top of all of that. If anything, I’d suspect that she might want something easy and fun with low expectations while she’s still waiting for the dust to settle.

Of course, I could be wrong about that too – which is why it’s important to not decide these things forher. Let her be the one to say definitively what she wants, who she wants and what she’s up for, rather than making these assumptions and disqualifying yourself in advance.

Now to be fair to you: these are things you’ve really haven’t had to think about… well, like damn near ever. So while I know I sound like I’m smacking you upside the head, I hope you understand that I’m just trying to point out the way you’re narrowing your options without realizing it. It all works a lot better to assume that the other person is going to know themselves and what they want or what they’re up for and to let them decide. Instead of assuming that you know what they do or don’t want, you can present the initial offer and then see what they say.

Speaking of which, that brings us to “so… what do you do about this?”, which is why I asked you those questions up top. You talked yourself into something of a spiral, and taking the time to think things through helps dial back the feeling of “I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NAO!!” along with giving yourself more of a grasp on what you’re feeling and whether you want to do something about it.

Under normal circumstances, I’m a proponent of “don’t confess your feelings, just ask them out on a date; people will understand that ‘I like you’ is part of it”, but this is a little different. Seeing as you are (maybe, possibly) experiencing crush-like feelings and attraction for the first time, I think it’s in bounds for you to bring up the crush if there’s a point where it would be somewhat on topic. It’s not something that’s easy to segue into or smoothly, but it doesn’t need to be smooth… not if the two of you are close enough to talk about those sorts of details anyway.

Another option would be to ask your friend on a date date instead of just grabbing lunch and then, if she says yes, then see how it goes. If it goes well – whether it’s leading to a kiss at the end of the date or you’re planning a second date – then that would be the time to say “So, cards on the table…” and lay out that you’re normally ace/aro but. You don’t need to explain that you had a sex dream about her, just that you’re feeling things for her that you quite literally haven’t felt before and you’re interested in the possibility of exploring it a little further. Don’t bring up your worries that maybe you won’t like partnered sex or that these feelings could fade. She’s an intelligent person; I’m sure she can figure that out for herself. Just mention that if she’s interested, you would like to see where things go with the full understanding that you have no idea where or how it’s going to proceed. Then let her decide what she thinks.

I will say up front: she may need a little time to think it through and that’s fine. That’s not a danger signal, it’s a “huh, I want to think this through so I don’t end up making a choice that either or both of us might regret later”. You two have been talking for a while and she sounds like a fairly compassionate and considerate person – I suspect that she would understand where you’re coming from and take that into consideration. Even if she’s not feeling the same, she’s not going to think you’re weird or out of pocket.

But all that is if you want to explore the possibility of something with her, however gingerly and carefully you may proceed. You may well decide that you don’t want to do anything with these feelings and that’s fine too. Crushes aren’t commandments and arousal isn’t a call to action. If you choose not to roll the dice, then all you need to do is… nothing. Just let it be. Crushes fade over time and they fade faster if you don’t feed them. As I’ve said before, don’t try to push the feelings away, just notice that you’re having them – “ah, there’s my crush on $FRIEND” – and just gently turn your attention to something else instead.

And if you want one unorthodox piece of advice that will help you decide which way you want to go: think of that sex dream and crank one out. Sometimes a little post-nut clarity goes a long way to sorting out momentary blips of “huh, she’s hot” from “Oh no, she’s HOT.”

But seriously, it’s not nearly as complicated or dire as you think, TN, it’s just new to you, that’s all. Whichever way you go, I promise, you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 36-year-old trans woman who has been struggling hard with social anxiety, trauma from past bullying and depression. Lately I’d been making quite a lot of progress, including therapy, transitioning, facing my anxiety to go out and meet people. Then, a year and a half ago, I met her – let’s call her Julie, a few years younger than me, cute, sweet, funny, we had a great connection that clicked real fast.

We started dating, and for a while everything was like in a dream. We got along really well, didn’t have any major conflict, had deep conversations, we’d go out and do all kinds of fun activities, had great sex. It was the first time in years that I let myself trust someone that much. Things started shifting as the one-year mark of the relationship approached. It was subtle at first, she was a bit more emotionally distant. When I expressed concern, she told me not to worry, everything was great between us, she loved me and she was just stressed and tired from work, and I believed her.

And then a couple months later, she was getting more and more distant and one day she just told me she hadn’t loved me, or been attracted to me, for 2-3 months by now and was ending things. There never was any attempt to discuss and work as a team on whatever was wrong, in fact I still don’t know what was wrong. Obviously, I was completely devastated. The day she broke off we were both crying, but then she moved on incredibly quickly, going to parties a mere couple days after breaking up and posting photos of her partying to a shared discord server where she knew I was going to see it.

She told me she still liked spending time with me and really hoped I’d want to stay friends with her. I very much wanted to stay friends, since I’m shy and anxious and it’s incredibly hard for me to make friends, and while I was really sad to lose a girlfriend it would have been a relief to keep a friend. Furthermore, we had both recently joined a common friend group from the queer community, and I didn’t want to create a rift in the friend group, nor did I want to stop seeing people from the (rather small) local queer community. Also, since she’s more charismatic than I am, most people in the friend group are closer to her than to me, so trying to cut her out of my life would most likely result in me losing my only group of regular friends. So, staying friends made a lot of sense.

Over the next weeks, after taking time to process the heartbreak, I reached out on many occasions to try to maintain a friendship. When I reached out to her, she would respond, and we saw each other as friends on 4 occasions (on all 4 occasions it was I who reached out to her). At some point I noticed that she was never reaching out to me and confronted her. I told her I was not OK with me being the only one making efforts. She clumsily told me she was sorry, that she really did truly want to stay connected with me and see each other as friends on a regular basis, and would make efforts to be better.

Her efforts lasted about one week. Then she ghosted me, and starting posting publicly on our common friends’ discord about her sex dates from grindr. At that point it had only been about one month since the breakup and I was not yet over her, so of course her lack of care hurt me a lot.

For the following month, she basically ghosted me, expect on one occasion where she told me « Hey yesterday when I was you at our friends’ gathering you seemed stressed, I hope it’s not because of me. Take care of yourself. » And then proceeded to ghost me again.

By now I’m pretty sure this is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and I’ve stopped reaching out to her. I’d like to just cut her out of my life, but this is so hard due to us belonging to the same friend group, and the same small queer community. I also feel like she’s put me in a position where I could easily be seen as the person in the wrong withing the friend group, since with them she’s usually charming and reasonable. So, if I lash out, I will look like the unreasonable one.

How can I navigate this s--tty situation with shared friends? How can I get over her and move on? (I don’t really love her anymore but she’s driving me mad and still occupying too much of my thoughts). How can I move forward and find better people in the future without repeating this pattern?

Holding On To The Pieces

DEAR HOLDING ON TO THE PIECES: Oof. This is a rough one, HOTTP, because you already know some of what’s going on here. I think it’s pretty clear that your ex checked out of the relationship before you officially ended it. I suspect that, if you managed to catch her in a Zone of Truth, you would learn that she had a foot out the door for longer than the couple of months that she told you. And I suspect that she’s one of the folks who thinks it’s more important to say all the right things, rather than actually doing them.

I don’t think she’s necessarily a bad person, so much as that she thinks that saying the words and making the gestures are functionally the same as actually trying to back those words up with effort. She said the right things and so it feels like she’s done what she needs; it doesn’t seem to occur to her that the lack of follow-up is the problem.

I also suspect that there’s a certain amount of not wanting to feel like the bad guy here, even as she proceeded to put in no effort into the post break-up friendship. She said she wanted to be friends and she’s responding when you text, isn’t that good enough? The problem is… well, as much as I hate to say it, she just doesn’t seem to care enough to make an effort. I suspect it’s more a matter of being self-centered rather than trying to ignore or slow-walk you out of the friendship, but functionally speaking, the difference is academic. She may well have other things that are taking up most of her bandwidth, but it says a lot that she doesn’t make the attempt to save any of that bandwidth for you.

I don’t blame you for feeling so hurt and upset. It feels incredibly disrespectful, especially when it’s coming from someone who you cared for and who supposedly cared for you. Doubly so, considering that she made all the noises about wanting to stay friends. It hurts when someone says that because it’s what they’re “supposed” to say and you agree because you genuinely want to stay friends. It makes you wonder what the hell happened; did you do something to upset them or alienate them? Did they even care for you at all in the first place?

So, yeah, it’s not really a surprise that this feels like adding insult to injury; the break up was like a hammer to the chest, and every time you are reaching out like this with no reciprocation or seeming any concern is like being stabbed in the back with teeny tiny knives.

You had your confrontation and nothing came of it, recognized that you’re watering a dead plant and decided to match her energy, which was smart. Now the problem is the fact that, well, she’s still around. What the hell are you supposed to do when you see her out with other folks in your friend group?

Well… unfortunately, this is one of those times where you’re going to have to learn to be able to deal with her continued presence in your life. As a general rule, I don’t think lashing out or making a scene about it helps, even without your additional complications. It makes sense that you’d want her to at least know that she’s done you dirty like this. Unfortunately, it’s not going to do much good. It’s not going to bring you the catharsis that you’re hoping for, nor will it it’s change her behavior or even make her reflect on what she’s done.

Calling her out, just to see it wash over her like smoke will only make you feel worse. What you’re hoping for is for her to at least recognize that she did you wrong, but she’s not going to. The only way that making a fuss would make a difference in her behavior – even just a moment of self-reflection – would be if she actually recognizes or accepts that she’s doing something wrong or cares enough to feel guilty that she’s hurt you the way she has. Sadly, it doesn’t seem like she does. And that hurts! That really f--king hurts!

So the first thing I think you need to do is give yourself the closure that you’re hoping for, because you’re never going to get it from her. You want her to acknowledge that she’s the bad guy here and she’s not going to. Much like validation, your getting over her can’t be dependent on other people’s permission. She’s not taking responsibility or even recognizing that this hurt you, and she’s not going to. So your choices are to either let this linger until she finally says “oh, f--k, you’re right, I’m sorry I treated you so badly”, or you’re going to have to be willing to be the one to say “well this sucks, but it’s over for a reason” and resolve not to be with someone who treats you like an option instead of a priority. Even as a friend.

Navigating the social scene is, likewise, going to require a certain amount of swallowing your pride over the matter. It’s going to go down like a lump of lead in your gut, but unfortunately this is one of those times where your very understandable desire for a public accounting isn’t likely to happen. It may still happen some day – and I’ll get to that in a second – but for now, it’s a question of whether you want vindication or to keep your social circle.

In other circumstances, I’d say it wouldn’t be the worst idea to find other friends, but you’re both queer and a part of the queer community, which means that she’s going to be around in some form or another. The queer community tends to be incredibly small and interconnected, even in a large city, which means that running into your ex on the regular or a serious overlap in your social circles are inevitable.

What I would recommend is that you put more emphasis on some of your one-on-one friendships with the members of your social circle, rather than with the group as a whole. It’ll be easier to strengthen and maintain those bonds when you’re not also trying to hold back your desire to yell “WHY ARE YOU STILL ACTING LIKE YOU DID NOTHING WRONG?!” It’s also much easier to establish yourself as an individual in folks’ minds when they spend one-on-one time with you than if they mostly see you as part of the group. While it doesn’t sound like Julie is the type to play s--tty mean-girl games, solidifying those individual friendships makes it a lot harder for any gossip games or smear campaigns to take hold. It’s harder to convince folks that you’re some unreasonable clingy ex (to use an example) who refuses to let go when all the time they’ve spent with you suggests the opposite.

This also means that if you decide to plan some get-togethers with friends, it’s a lot easier to leave Julie out without it being obvious that this is what you’re doing.

But of course, being in the group means that there will be times when you have to deal with her presence. In those times, I recommend a policy of “polite-but-distant”. You don’t have to pretend to be besties or that she’s your favorite person in the world; you just want to give just enough to meet what etiquette demands and nothing more. You can smile and say “oh, hi!” and then move on to talk to someone else. I doubt she would try to make a fuss about it, and if folks do notice that you’re a little cold to her, all you have to say is “it’s fine, I just don’t want to talk about it.”

Though I will say this: the odds are good that you’re not the first person she’s treated like this. I’m willing to bet that she has other exes in the scene who have similar stories, and I’m willing to bet that they’re going to pick up that she did to you what she did to them. If that’s the case, well, you’ll have some folks where you can at least vent together about how this is a callous way to treat an ex. It may not be the same as the satisfaction of seeing her deal with a moment of sudden, unavoidable self-awareness, but there’s a lot to be said for knowing that you’re not part of an exclusive club of one and having some folks you can talk s--t with when you need.

As for moving forward and not getting into this mess again… well, part of the process of giving yourself closure will be taking what you’ve learned here and bringing it to your next relationship. You’ll be better prepared to recognize the signs of someone who’s got a foot out the door, and you’ll see who’s actually going to try to be friends and who just wants credit for saying the words. If you’re unsure, match their energy and see what happens; someone who really cares is far more likely to notice that things have changed and try to do something about it.

I’m sorry this happened to you, HTTP, but I promise you: this will only suck for a while. It will get better.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com