DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 36-year-old trans woman who has been struggling hard with social anxiety, trauma from past bullying and depression. Lately I’d been making quite a lot of progress, including therapy, transitioning, facing my anxiety to go out and meet people. Then, a year and a half ago, I met her – let’s call her Julie, a few years younger than me, cute, sweet, funny, we had a great connection that clicked real fast.

We started dating, and for a while everything was like in a dream. We got along really well, didn’t have any major conflict, had deep conversations, we’d go out and do all kinds of fun activities, had great sex. It was the first time in years that I let myself trust someone that much. Things started shifting as the one-year mark of the relationship approached. It was subtle at first, she was a bit more emotionally distant. When I expressed concern, she told me not to worry, everything was great between us, she loved me and she was just stressed and tired from work, and I believed her.

And then a couple months later, she was getting more and more distant and one day she just told me she hadn’t loved me, or been attracted to me, for 2-3 months by now and was ending things. There never was any attempt to discuss and work as a team on whatever was wrong, in fact I still don’t know what was wrong. Obviously, I was completely devastated. The day she broke off we were both crying, but then she moved on incredibly quickly, going to parties a mere couple days after breaking up and posting photos of her partying to a shared discord server where she knew I was going to see it.

She told me she still liked spending time with me and really hoped I’d want to stay friends with her. I very much wanted to stay friends, since I’m shy and anxious and it’s incredibly hard for me to make friends, and while I was really sad to lose a girlfriend it would have been a relief to keep a friend. Furthermore, we had both recently joined a common friend group from the queer community, and I didn’t want to create a rift in the friend group, nor did I want to stop seeing people from the (rather small) local queer community. Also, since she’s more charismatic than I am, most people in the friend group are closer to her than to me, so trying to cut her out of my life would most likely result in me losing my only group of regular friends. So, staying friends made a lot of sense.

Over the next weeks, after taking time to process the heartbreak, I reached out on many occasions to try to maintain a friendship. When I reached out to her, she would respond, and we saw each other as friends on 4 occasions (on all 4 occasions it was I who reached out to her). At some point I noticed that she was never reaching out to me and confronted her. I told her I was not OK with me being the only one making efforts. She clumsily told me she was sorry, that she really did truly want to stay connected with me and see each other as friends on a regular basis, and would make efforts to be better.

Her efforts lasted about one week. Then she ghosted me, and starting posting publicly on our common friends’ discord about her sex dates from grindr. At that point it had only been about one month since the breakup and I was not yet over her, so of course her lack of care hurt me a lot.

For the following month, she basically ghosted me, expect on one occasion where she told me « Hey yesterday when I was you at our friends’ gathering you seemed stressed, I hope it’s not because of me. Take care of yourself. » And then proceeded to ghost me again.

By now I’m pretty sure this is an incredibly unhealthy dynamic and I’ve stopped reaching out to her. I’d like to just cut her out of my life, but this is so hard due to us belonging to the same friend group, and the same small queer community. I also feel like she’s put me in a position where I could easily be seen as the person in the wrong withing the friend group, since with them she’s usually charming and reasonable. So, if I lash out, I will look like the unreasonable one.

How can I navigate this s--tty situation with shared friends? How can I get over her and move on? (I don’t really love her anymore but she’s driving me mad and still occupying too much of my thoughts). How can I move forward and find better people in the future without repeating this pattern?

Holding On To The Pieces

DEAR HOLDING ON TO THE PIECES: Oof. This is a rough one, HOTTP, because you already know some of what’s going on here. I think it’s pretty clear that your ex checked out of the relationship before you officially ended it. I suspect that, if you managed to catch her in a Zone of Truth, you would learn that she had a foot out the door for longer than the couple of months that she told you. And I suspect that she’s one of the folks who thinks it’s more important to say all the right things, rather than actually doing them.

I don’t think she’s necessarily a bad person, so much as that she thinks that saying the words and making the gestures are functionally the same as actually trying to back those words up with effort. She said the right things and so it feels like she’s done what she needs; it doesn’t seem to occur to her that the lack of follow-up is the problem.

I also suspect that there’s a certain amount of not wanting to feel like the bad guy here, even as she proceeded to put in no effort into the post break-up friendship. She said she wanted to be friends and she’s responding when you text, isn’t that good enough? The problem is… well, as much as I hate to say it, she just doesn’t seem to care enough to make an effort. I suspect it’s more a matter of being self-centered rather than trying to ignore or slow-walk you out of the friendship, but functionally speaking, the difference is academic. She may well have other things that are taking up most of her bandwidth, but it says a lot that she doesn’t make the attempt to save any of that bandwidth for you.

I don’t blame you for feeling so hurt and upset. It feels incredibly disrespectful, especially when it’s coming from someone who you cared for and who supposedly cared for you. Doubly so, considering that she made all the noises about wanting to stay friends. It hurts when someone says that because it’s what they’re “supposed” to say and you agree because you genuinely want to stay friends. It makes you wonder what the hell happened; did you do something to upset them or alienate them? Did they even care for you at all in the first place?

So, yeah, it’s not really a surprise that this feels like adding insult to injury; the break up was like a hammer to the chest, and every time you are reaching out like this with no reciprocation or seeming any concern is like being stabbed in the back with teeny tiny knives.

You had your confrontation and nothing came of it, recognized that you’re watering a dead plant and decided to match her energy, which was smart. Now the problem is the fact that, well, she’s still around. What the hell are you supposed to do when you see her out with other folks in your friend group?

Well… unfortunately, this is one of those times where you’re going to have to learn to be able to deal with her continued presence in your life. As a general rule, I don’t think lashing out or making a scene about it helps, even without your additional complications. It makes sense that you’d want her to at least know that she’s done you dirty like this. Unfortunately, it’s not going to do much good. It’s not going to bring you the catharsis that you’re hoping for, nor will it it’s change her behavior or even make her reflect on what she’s done.

Calling her out, just to see it wash over her like smoke will only make you feel worse. What you’re hoping for is for her to at least recognize that she did you wrong, but she’s not going to. The only way that making a fuss would make a difference in her behavior – even just a moment of self-reflection – would be if she actually recognizes or accepts that she’s doing something wrong or cares enough to feel guilty that she’s hurt you the way she has. Sadly, it doesn’t seem like she does. And that hurts! That really f--king hurts!

So the first thing I think you need to do is give yourself the closure that you’re hoping for, because you’re never going to get it from her. You want her to acknowledge that she’s the bad guy here and she’s not going to. Much like validation, your getting over her can’t be dependent on other people’s permission. She’s not taking responsibility or even recognizing that this hurt you, and she’s not going to. So your choices are to either let this linger until she finally says “oh, f--k, you’re right, I’m sorry I treated you so badly”, or you’re going to have to be willing to be the one to say “well this sucks, but it’s over for a reason” and resolve not to be with someone who treats you like an option instead of a priority. Even as a friend.

Navigating the social scene is, likewise, going to require a certain amount of swallowing your pride over the matter. It’s going to go down like a lump of lead in your gut, but unfortunately this is one of those times where your very understandable desire for a public accounting isn’t likely to happen. It may still happen some day – and I’ll get to that in a second – but for now, it’s a question of whether you want vindication or to keep your social circle.

In other circumstances, I’d say it wouldn’t be the worst idea to find other friends, but you’re both queer and a part of the queer community, which means that she’s going to be around in some form or another. The queer community tends to be incredibly small and interconnected, even in a large city, which means that running into your ex on the regular or a serious overlap in your social circles are inevitable.

What I would recommend is that you put more emphasis on some of your one-on-one friendships with the members of your social circle, rather than with the group as a whole. It’ll be easier to strengthen and maintain those bonds when you’re not also trying to hold back your desire to yell “WHY ARE YOU STILL ACTING LIKE YOU DID NOTHING WRONG?!” It’s also much easier to establish yourself as an individual in folks’ minds when they spend one-on-one time with you than if they mostly see you as part of the group. While it doesn’t sound like Julie is the type to play s--tty mean-girl games, solidifying those individual friendships makes it a lot harder for any gossip games or smear campaigns to take hold. It’s harder to convince folks that you’re some unreasonable clingy ex (to use an example) who refuses to let go when all the time they’ve spent with you suggests the opposite.

This also means that if you decide to plan some get-togethers with friends, it’s a lot easier to leave Julie out without it being obvious that this is what you’re doing.

But of course, being in the group means that there will be times when you have to deal with her presence. In those times, I recommend a policy of “polite-but-distant”. You don’t have to pretend to be besties or that she’s your favorite person in the world; you just want to give just enough to meet what etiquette demands and nothing more. You can smile and say “oh, hi!” and then move on to talk to someone else. I doubt she would try to make a fuss about it, and if folks do notice that you’re a little cold to her, all you have to say is “it’s fine, I just don’t want to talk about it.”

Though I will say this: the odds are good that you’re not the first person she’s treated like this. I’m willing to bet that she has other exes in the scene who have similar stories, and I’m willing to bet that they’re going to pick up that she did to you what she did to them. If that’s the case, well, you’ll have some folks where you can at least vent together about how this is a callous way to treat an ex. It may not be the same as the satisfaction of seeing her deal with a moment of sudden, unavoidable self-awareness, but there’s a lot to be said for knowing that you’re not part of an exclusive club of one and having some folks you can talk s--t with when you need.

As for moving forward and not getting into this mess again… well, part of the process of giving yourself closure will be taking what you’ve learned here and bringing it to your next relationship. You’ll be better prepared to recognize the signs of someone who’s got a foot out the door, and you’ll see who’s actually going to try to be friends and who just wants credit for saying the words. If you’re unsure, match their energy and see what happens; someone who really cares is far more likely to notice that things have changed and try to do something about it.

I’m sorry this happened to you, HTTP, but I promise you: this will only suck for a while. It will get better.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I(34M) am dating my girlfriend(33F) for 6 months now. I have been single most of my adult life, whereas she had a 10 year relationship with her ex but they lost their love around the 6th year and through therapy she managed to end that relationship last year. They are still friends as they separated amicably. She is also friends with her other exes so I don’t see it a problem and we talked about it. I had my concerns but she assured me that there is nothing that can happen to rekindle with her ex.

My history of dating has been short with the exception of my first relationship that was for 2 years. Now, coming to our relationship, she thinks that I am inconsistent with my behaviour. I know that I can do much better and ask things that concern her when her emotions are running strong. She loves me but sometimes she says things that make me confused. 

Last week she mentioned that she doesn’t want to teach me everything as she is in her 30s and she would prefer a man who probably is more mature. I do come across as sometimes immature and childish. But many times, I have been told how smart I am with my thoughts. I told her this mix of my personality is what makes me myself. She also has told me a few times that I tell her things what she thinks she wants to hear. If I tell her any pleasantries, she thinks in this way but I never considered this side and I tell nice things because I really adore her. We have had arguments almost every weekend in the past 2 months and I have not been able to handle her emotional state causing her to get upset with how I have responded. I have accepted that I have been wrong and I have told her that I am working on my flaws. I want this relationship and I want to take it long term but I am also an over thinker and these exchanges are stressing me out sometimes. Thanks in advance

Need A Girlfriend Translator

DEAR NEED A GIRLFRIEND TRANSLATOR: Alright, NAGT, I’ll be honest with you: there’re a few things in the way you describe your girlfriend’s behavior that sets off my Spidey-sense. For one thing, you’ve been together for six months, but you’ve been arguing every weekend for the last two. If you’ve been having regular fights for a full third of your relationship, that’s not a good sign. I’m a little bothered by phrases like “I have not been able to handle her emotional state”, “she’d prefer a man who’s more mature” and “I’ve accepted that I’ve been wrong”. That last one is fine… as long as there’s actually something wrong to make up for. And I’m not entirely sure there has been.

Now to be fair: I’m not sure there has been in part because your girlfriend’s complaints seem incredibly vague and unhelpful if she’s actually trying to, y’know, improve things. It would be helpful for me if you’d shared more about what she meant, but I get the feeling that you aren’t entirely sure either.

This is one of those times when I’m legitimately unsure if there’s a communication issue going on, or if there’s a deeper problem. If she’s been as vague in her complaints and explanations to you as you’ve relayed them to me, then I can absolutely understand why you’d be confused – there’s really not much to work with there.

It would be helpful, for example, to know why she thinks your behavior is inconsistent, or she means by “she doesn’t want to teach you everything”. It’s one thing if what she means is “I want someone who knows how to take care of himself, instead of expecting me to be his bang-maid”, or “I want someone who’s in tune with his emotions and doesn’t need me to hold his hand through figuring them out”. It’s another entirely if she means she wants someone who can psychically intuit her moods and needs. The former is reasonable, the latter is unreasonable.

Similarly, it’s hard to parse what she would mean by “wanting someone who’s more mature”; this could mean anything from “she thinks you’re not responsible with your money/career/responsibilities” to “she thinks your hobbies, interests or passions are silly and childish”. While the former can be hurtful, it’s an understandable complaint if it’s accurate. The latter… well, honestly, the latter suggests a serious incompatibility at best, and a lack of respect for you at worst.

The one thing that makes me suspect that there’s something deeper going on is when she accuses you of saying things that you think she wants to hear. That’s a hard thing to hear when you’re being sincere and telling her how you really feel. There’s something gutting when you tell someone you care or what you like about them and they functionally call you a liar. Maybe she’s got an ex who used to say whatever he thought she wanted to hear to get out of fights and that left her a little gun-shy. Or it’s possible she just doesn’t think you could possibly feel this way because of her own self-esteem issues.

But I’m not there, and you are. So this is a case where you’re going to have to be the one to dig into what she means. Since it sounds like you’re having problems speaking the same language (as it were), I think that if you want to understand her better, you’re going to have to go to the source. When you’re not sure what she means or what she’s asking for, ask for clarification. Be specific: say “OK, I want to make sure I understand; are you saying you want X?” Or you might say “what do you mean when you say you don’t want to have to teach me everything?”

There may even be some wires crossed when it comes to how you express affection and how she receives it. I’m sure you’ve heard of the whole “Five Love Languages” thing; it’s a convenient way of thinking about how you communicate feelings and intent and how other people perceive it. If someone is used to expressing affection and care by, say, paying compliments and telling the other person what they like about them, they may run into issues around miscommunication with someone who’s used to expressing affection through time spent together or doing nice things for them. Figuring out and discussing your love languages can be a good way to make sure that you and your sweetie are actually understanding one another. It doesn’t do any good to be metaphorically shouting “LOVE!” at the top of your lungs when the other person hears “HOT TUB JAZZ TAX RETURN”.  

If the miscommunication and crossed wires persists, you and she may need to sit down and have a modified version of the Awkward Conversation. In this version, what you’re going to say is “I feel like we’re talking at one another, but I’m not sure we’re understanding one another. I’d like to make sure we’re on the same page and that we both can be sure that we’re talking about the same things.” Bring up a couple of specific instances where you were confused about what she wanted or intended, what you thought she was asking for and how that affected things. Make it clear that you think this will help your relationship because it will clear up misunderstandings and make it easier for both of you to be heard and to get your respective needs met.

Now, if this conversation and attempt to clarify meaning turns out to be one of the things that she feels “she shouldn’t have to teach you”, then I think we’ve stumbled on to a bigger problem. That’s considerably different than just speaking different love languages or not being precise in the words you (or she) uses. While I understand not wanting to feel like you’re parenting your romantic partner, an attitude of “I shouldn’t have to tell you, you should be able to figure it out without me” is profoundly unhelpful. It would also make me wonder whether she actually wants to resolve things.

And that last part is key. Relationships are ultimately a compromise between you and your partner. If you’re making a good faith effort to understand her and trying to give her what she’s asking for, and she only has more criticism or chastisement, then I think it’s time to seriously consider whether this relationship is worth staying in. One of the signs that a relationship has already ended is when you keep having the same fights and nothing changes or gets fixed, no matter how much you try. This is when you’ve reached a point where either the problem is intractable, or someone doesn’t think it’s actually a problem that they should do anything about.

In that case, well… that’s a sign that you should probably bail.

And I’ll be honest, NGT, my Spidey-sense is still buzzing enough to think that you should proceed with caution. Two months of fighting (in a six-month old relationship) is a pretty big warning sign, and some of the things that you mention make it sound like she doesn’t have a lot of respect for you. Pay attention to how she treats you and how you feel when you’re with her. If you’re starting to feel like nothing you do ever meets her approval and you’re always walking on egg shells because you feel like it’s your responsibility to manage her moods and emotions, then it’s time to call it on this relationship and find one that’s less toxic.

I hope I’m wrong about this. Like I said: I’m not there, and there’s not as much to go on as I would like. So try talking it out and making sure you’re on the same page first. If things don’t get better or you both are still struggling to understand one another… well, think long and hard about whether this is a relationship you want to stay in.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been attending martial arts classes for a couple months now – and I have a huge crush on the instructor. He’s funny, kind, patient, talented, and very handsome.

Here’s the problem – I don’t know if he’s into me (I did ask him jokingly if he’s sick of my face already a couple times but the most I’ve gotten as a response is a chuckle). I don’t know if he’s attached (my friend who has been at the studio longer says she thinks he isn’t because one of the member’s mum was telling him to get a girlfriend). Hell, I don’t know if he’s even straight (I uhm, kinda stalked his Facebook page and both he and someone else had referred to himself as gay jokingly, though maybe the joke is referencing his actual orientation?)!

I want to ask him out, but I’m scared he’ll reject me and then I can’t ever attend his classes again, which would suck because crush aside, his classes are genuinely the most fun of all the others I’ve ever attended and I don’t want to lose that.

There is also the fact that he’s never alone – even after the class ends other students are always hanging around, so it’s kind of impossible to ask him out without outing myself out to everybody.

My friend suggested I could subtly make a reference to him having a girlfriend/wife (like asking if his girlfriend/wife cooks) but I feel like that is very obvious.

Therefore, I’m wondering if there’s any way to ask him out/ show my interest in a way that gives me plausible deniability in case he’s not interested?

Thanks and regards,

Hopelessly Crushing

DEAR HOPELESSLY CRUSHING: OK, I’m going to tell you right now HC: I can all but guarantee this is a one-sided crush. Students get crushes on teachers since the days of Heloise and Abelard; it’s a tale literally older than steam. But 99.999% of the time, the student’s crush is just that: the student’s. And of the remaining .001% when it’s reciprocated… well, frankly, most of the time that usually ends up being a bad idea, for a lot of reasons.

I do wish you told me how old you are, because good God you sound incredibly young, and with that in mind I will give you this advice that will serve you well in the future: f--k plausible deniability, f--k subtlety and f--k trying to scope things out without actually taking responsibility for how you feel. All trying to ask someone out without actually asking them out for fear that you’ll get rejected does is create the awkwardness you’re desperately trying to avoid.

I promise you: the attempts at being subtle aren’t nearly as subtle as you think, and trying to play little subterfuges to feel things out gives the game away in ways that are far more embarrassing than if you just said “hey, I think you’re cute, would you like to get dinner?” Even trying to scope things out before you make your move isn’t going to help – asking someone out on a date is the best way to find out if they’re a) available (which is different than being single) and b) if they are interested in going on a date with you.

Just as importantly, though, is to recognize that momentary awkwardness is just that: momentary. The awkwardness of admitting to a crush only to be told “I’m flattered but…” is only uncomfortable for a moment. It’s how you respond to that “thank you but no” that determines not just how awkward things are but how long that awkwardness lasts. If you can take that “no” with grace, then the only awkwardness that will remain will be if you make it awkward.

If you can power through the momentary embarrassment – and it is only momentary – and let the matter drop before going back to being student and teacher, then there’s nothing more to it. You might blush or cringe a little at the next class or two, but there’s no reason why you would need to quit going to the class or seek out a different instructor. But if you treat it like some sort of world-shattering, dignity-erasing event… well, that’s what you’re going to get.

Trust me when I tell you: learning how to grit your teeth and power through the awkwardness is a life skill that will pay dividends over your lifetime. And even a simple acknowledging the awkward – literally saying “well this is awkward…” – kills the awkwardness. The awkward thrives whenever people try to ignore it; calling it out and addressing it makes it go away.

But like I said: I think this is just a one-sided crush and you’re making far more about it than it can be. I think your better option is just to let this one fade, like all crushes do if you just leave them alone.

In the future, however, don’t play silly games to try to figure out how to avoid the temporary embarrassment of being rejected; they don’t work and often only make things worse. You do far better to be up front with your interest and to say what you want than to hint and hope and imply and to try to read the tea leaves.

Love is a full-contact sport; there’s no way to play without the risk of getting hurt, but trying to only play half-way is a good way to ensure it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com