DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I grew up pretty isolated from everyone. My parents emphasized that getting good grades should be my first priority when going to school, and as such, I was able to get a lot of scholarships and attend a pretty nice college. But I feel like I missed a lot of opportunities to develop a dating life. I was involved in all sorts of sports and extracurriculars, and I could socialize with people just fine, but I never was really a part of any specific friend group, and everything stayed in school. Toward my later years, I got along with just about everybody, but it was clear that I was kind of off to the side, and I never formed any tight bonds with anyone.

Now at college, I live in an apartment alone, and the lingering feeling that I’m going to die a virgin with no one to care about is really hitting hard. At one point I was fantasizing taking my own life just to save me the pain.

I’m not a super model or anything (or even just a regular model for that matter), but I consider myself a pretty good guy. However, I was just never a part of the loop. I never got into social media because the whole landscape feels weird, and I would probably look like a dork on it anyways. It feels like there’s this giant conversation going on, and I’m by myself with no idea what’s happening.

I just don’t know what to do to form any sort of connection with someone that could lead to dating. It feels like I never learned how to really connect with people, only ever get along, and it’s starting to haunt me a little bit. I’ve never asked a girl for her number, and I’m so afraid of looking creepy, or making the situation awkward. 

For the most part, I end up going to class, and then going back to my apartment, and I just don’t know what to do actually meet and talk to people. And it’s so conflicting because just going somewhere alone and initiating conversations with random people feels so weird and uncomfortable, but at the same time I so desperately want to find someone and actually start dating. I have no clue what people do to actually get girls numbers in college or how to keep the conversation going for that matter. I’m at a standstill right now, and it all feels helpless. I don’t know why dating seems so intuitive for everyone but me.

Solo Leveling Sucks

DEAR SOLO LEVELING SUCKS: So, there’s good news and bad news, SLS.

The good news is that this isn’t intuitive for everybody else. It’s all learned. Everyone who dates, who socializes or has a social life started from a place of ignorance and learned by doing. The only difference between them and you is that they started earlier than you did, that’s all. But here’s the thing:  you already have the skills you need to socialize with women and get numbers. You’ve demonstrated this already in high-school: you could get along with everyone just fine, you participated in sports teams, you had your extracurriculars and plenty of folks thought you were a fairly decent guy. All of this means that you’re in a better position than you seem to think you are.

The bad news is that you have to make the decision to actually put those skills to work, use that experience and, y’know, put yourself out there.

Now, you may be wondering why I labeled this as “bad news”, and the answer is… you already know this. You’re just not doing it, and you’re going to have to wrestle with the question of “why”?

I get that you were told to prioritize grades and getting into a good school growing up… well, congrats, you’ve done that. So now it feels like you’re doing a trapeze act without a net, and you’re playing it safe instead. You were used to having a very specific set of guidelines and instructions that gave you structure and rails to keep you in place. Now, you don’t, and that’s scary, and so you’re playing it safe. This is why you feel weird about getting on social media, why everyone feels like they’re having a conversation you don’t know how to join and why you just go from class back to your apartment; it’s what seems the least risky and the least intimidating. It may be misery, but it’s a misery you know.  

The issue you’re facing is that you’re so unused to dealing with the unknown and the unfamiliar that it’s intimidating the hell out of you and you’re worried that you’re going to f--k it up in some nebulous way. That whole “I’m going to look like a dork on social media” thing? That’s really not different from approach anxiety; you’re worried that you’re going to mess things up and it’s going to be embarrassing. Which seems like a weaksauce reason, but people have done more and worse things in the name of avoiding the risk of humiliation.

But this brings us right back to the good news I mentioned up top. You don’t realize it, but you’re in a better place than a lot of folks who have similar issues simply because you’ve shown you have the skills. You just haven’t applied them with intention and direction. You could’ve had more friends in school and had opportunities to date, if you’d been willing to take the next step instead of backing off to focus on your grades and getting the “right” high-school transcript. So if you want to break out of your shell, it’s time to do what you didn’t do in high-school.

And here’s the thing that you don’t know yet: you are in the perfect time and place to start practicing those skills and stretching those social muscles. College is practically custom built for making friends, experimenting with different sides of yourself and trying new things. You will almost never be in a place where you are surrounded by people more or less your age and in similar stages of life. There will never be a time when you have more opportunities to reach out and explore, while you also have as few responsibilities to get in the way.

So here’s what you’re going to do: instead of going back to your empty apartment when you’re done with classes, you’re going to stay on campus for a bit. You’re going to explore. I’d suggest starting with the student union or any of the on-campus activity hubs – places where people not only congregate and hang out, but where people post signs and notices and where events are held. You’re going to start looking for extracurricular activities. These could be anything – amateur sports teams looking for players, hobby or activity clubs, interest groups, anything that catches your attention, piques your curiosity or seems at least half-way interesting to you. And you’re going to sign up for a couple of these and start attending.

Don’t worry about whether you’re going to find something you like; you’re going to be spoiled for choice. There’ll be all of the college-sponsored options and a hell of a lot of unofficial ones as well. Pick… let’s say, three to start with, so there are at least three days where you don’t immediately rush back to your Fortress of Self-Imposed Solitude. And while you’re at these extracurriculars, your goal is going to be simple: you’re going to talk to folks and get to know them a little better. That’s it. You take the level that you socialized back in high-school and, rather than holding yourself back or sticking to strictly what would be necessary for the activity, you’re going to just chat with people, find out who they are and what makes them tick. Where are they from, what are they studying, what are they into besides $INSERT_ACTIVITY_HERE?

And, importantly, you’re going to see who seem to be like people you enjoy talking to and might like to talk to more often. When you meet a couple folks like that, you’re going to invite them to grab lunch with you. Or maybe coffee after class. Or see if folks want to go see a movie. Perhaps there’s another on-campus event that seems interesting and you all could check that out. This is going to necessitate you being able to get ahold of them to coordinate, make or confirm plans, so you’re going to have to ask folks for their contact information.

On the days when you don’t have those groups – or you don’t have lunchtime plans – go to the dining hall and see if there’re any large tables of folks that have room for one more. When you find one, go over and say “hey, I realized that I’ve been at $COLLEGE for $TIME and I barely know anyone, so I’ve made it a challenge to talk to strangers and meet folks. Is it cool if I join you? My name’s Solo Leveling.” Then, if they say yes, the same thing applies: you sit down and talk with them and focus on getting to know them, the same way you do during your after-class activities.

Do this 5 times a week, Monday through Friday, and you’ll have at least the beginnings of a social circle before the semester’s over. And just as importantly: you’re going to be used to doing some of the things you’re so afraid of – talking to strangers, asking people for their number, planning activities together, etc.

Now I know what you’re thinking: ok, that’s great, but that doesn’t solve my “want to find a girlfriend problem”. Except… it does. All of the skills you’re going to be practicing when you do this all apply to dating. The credits transfer. The only difference between planning to meet up with your bud to watch the home game and planning a date is the intent. Everything else? Exactly the same.

I promise you: none of this is nearly as scary or weird or uncomfortable as you think; you’re just not used to it and you just have to get familiar with it. There’s nothing embarrassing about being inexperienced at this, because there’s nothing embarrassing about not knowing something. Everyone starts from the same place, and quite frankly, nobody cares when you started, only that you got there.

(And people who give you s--t about having not started sooner? Odds are good that they haven’t started at all and they’re slamming you because of how they feel about themselves. The rest are just s--theads and life is too short to care about the opinions of s--theads.)

And, just as an aside: don’t stress yourself out about not “getting” social media or looking like a dork on there. This is, again, just a matter of experience. When you’re making friends and making plans with those friends, you’ll likely need to make an account on at least one site or app in order to facilitate plans. You don’t need to be a WhatsApp expert or an Instagram guru right off the bat; you can lurk for as long as you want, see how other folks use it and learn the ins and outs.

And seriously: don’t worry about looking like a huge dork on there. Everyone looks like an idiot on social media at one point or another and nobody cares. The churn is such that it all tends to vanish like tears in rain, and nobody’s really going to care about newbie mistakes. You’ll be fine. I promise.

You’ve got this, SLS.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a huge fan and have been following you for many years (2013?) but have never written. This is a crazy story but sadly it is true.

My cousin (age 36) who is my best friend was in an abusive relationship for 7 years where she was subjected to violence on a regular basis. One day her boyfriend said she was bad for him and left. She called me in hysterics and we went on a girl’s night out to try and soothe her. That evening she began texting men on dating apps and paid special attention to one in particular.

I figured it was harmless but then she asked me if I could take her in my truck, 3 hours away, to MOVE a man in with her. I figured she was wasted as we had been drinking. The next morning, she asked me again and I said no. Who was this guy?? It was an old coworker (age 36) she had not talked to in 5 years but messaged the night before and confessed her long-term crush for him. He was being evicted and said he had a crush on her too. She went and got him that day and I was, quite frankly, shocked out of my mind.

She moved him in with her into her dorm where he ultimately wasn’t allowed and they got kicked out. Fast forward to 10 months later she gives birth to their unplanned child and they get married. Throughout all of this she talked to me way less and I figured it was because she had started a new chapter of her life, however hasty I thought that it was.

Five years later after only scarce contact and visits she calls me crying saying he had been verbally and emotionally abusive the entire relationship and was cheating on her. He was unemployed, binge drinking, had wrecked their car while drunk driving, and was with a woman 10 years his senior. He brought that woman into their home and around their kids when my cousin wasn’t around. He degraded my cousin on a daily basis, neglected their kids, and finally, brought crack cocaine into their home. I had enough and called my cousin’s mother, who kicked him out.

After my cousin left her husband and filed for divorce, she started talking to me regularly again and seeing me more often. But it wasn’t about me, she was the happiest I had seen her in a long time. She was finally free. Then just a few months later she stopped being communicative again and blew me off for the holidays. I figured she was just busy with her family but I found out she got back with her husband.

That was two years ago and they’ve been together since and she says he no longer drinks or does crack cocaine. I was happy to hear that and didn’t think anything of it. She took up to a week to respond to simple messages and it was back to how it was when she first got married but again, I just figured she was busy.

Lately she had been very angry and complaining about every little thing so when she insulted one of my friends, I called her out on it. I said she couldn’t just behave like that. And that’s when she told me her husband only let her go out with the children, and that he hated me with a passion. That he couldn’t even say my name without experiencing rage, and that he was “jealous” of our friendship. I’ve never had a fight with the man and have only ever been friendly when around him. In fact, I’ve barely seen him, we just never spent time together in a group.

We are due for our yearly girl’s night where we stay in, drink, and watch movies, but she isn’t allowed to go. Her husband doesn’t even want her to text me which is why I haven’t heard from her as much since she got with him. I don’t know what to do. Her relationship is none of my business, but this isn’t right. Her mother already knows the situation and just wants their 3 kids to have a present father. But I feel my cousin is being abused, probably worse than she is letting on.

-Missing My Homegirl

DEAR MISSING MY HOMEGIRL: Hoo boy. This is a s--tty situation, MMH, and I’m sorry you and your cousin are going through this.

Your cousin’s relationship with her husband isn’t your business, but your cousin’s health and well-being are. She’s family, she’s your best friend, that puts caring about her and her situation pretty firmly in the side of “yes, your business”.

And I think you’re right: it sounds like this is a bad situation all around. There’s an immediate tell in that she drops out of contact as soon as she gets with this guy. Once she reaches her breaking point and reaches out to you for support, she gets back in contact with you. As soon as she is back with the same dude… crickets. Increasingly long delays in returning texts. Unwilling (or unable, per her husband’s dictates) to see you socially. Constantly on edge and stressed out and snapping at everyone. Basic pattern recognition would suggest that this is Abusive Relationship 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Though, honestly, you don’t even need that; the fact that her husband refuses to “let” her go out except when taking the kids somewhere, doesn’t like her texting you ever and apparently explodes with rage at hearing your name are all pretty solid tells that this is a bad, bad scene. Isolating people from their support networks, especially their family and close friends is a textbook abuser move. This makes it harder for their victims to access support from people who care about them and lessens the odds that anyone will tell them “hey, this guy you’re with? I’m thinking maybe he’s not such a good guy.”

I mean, let’s be real: you demonstrated this during the first go-round. Her reaching out to you lead to your reaching out to her mom, which helped tip the dominoes that lead to her divorcing his ass. The fact that he experiences violent rage at the thought of you is incredibly unsurprising; to his mind, you were directly responsible for your cousin leaving him. Small wonder that he’s determined to cut her off from you; you’re the greatest threat to his control.

So, I think you’re right and you should trust the way your Spidey-sense is tingling; she’s in a bad place, and it’s not going to get better.

The problem is… well, honestly, there’s not much you can do, here. Your cousin’s a grown-ass woman and she’s capable of making her own bad decisions. And to be fair: she seems very determined to make them. I’m trying to be generous, because leaving a violent and abusive relationship can f--k some people up, and I doubt that she was thinking terribly clearly at the time. But even so… leaping from a violent and abusive relationship to immediately confessing a crush to a guy she hadn’t seen in years and then moving him into her dorm room suggests that maybe she’s not so great with making decisions.  

I don’t even mean that she leapt from one abuser to another; I can all but guarantee that he didn’t show his true colors until later. I just mean that this is a series of very poor choices, made at a time when she really shouldn’t have been making them. You don’t say how long it took between leaving her abusive ex to connecting with this dude to shacking up with him, but it sounds like it was a matter of days. Which, if that’s the case, really would imply that either she has seriously bad judgement or impulse control issues.

I mean, she moved him into her dorm room. Call me an optimist, but I would think that “hey, he’s not a student here, maybe I should see if this is even an option” should’ve bubbled up to the surface at least once before he was filling out change of address forms.

Now, to be absolutely clear: I’m not saying that she brought this on herself or that she deserves what happened to her. Nobody deserves to be abused, period, end of. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, no way and no how. This does, however, suggest a pattern of behaviors and decision making that’s going to make it difficult for her to extract herself from this situation. As a result, I think you are going to have to be ready for this to be a long project.

The thing is, her bad decisions are going to be one of the reasons why she stays with him. Part of why people have a hard time leaving abusive relationships is often, they don’t want to admit that they’re the sort of person who would “let” themselves be abused. And those scare-quotes around “let” are deliberate; a lot of folks see being a victim of an abuser as a character flaw or moral failing. It’s the sort of thing where you can, in the abstract, say “I’d never fall for this, I would never let someone treat me this way, I’m too smart/independent/cool/whatever for that.” But once it’s happening to them… well, admitting that they are the sort of person who could fall victim to an abuser is a bitter pill to swallow, and so many people won’t. Not at first.

People are very good at coming up with all sorts of plausible reasons and excuses for their abuser’s behavior and why it’s not “really” abuse. It’s hard to own up to – believe me, I know – and it’s harder to believe that someone you love and care about could treat you this way. And to make matters worse, abusers are very good at displacing blame, pulling a DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) or selling a “but baby, I’ve changed!” narrative.

That’s why I wish I were surprised that she went back to him after the way he mistreated her so badly the first time. Unfortunately, this part of the cycle is incredibly common. A lot of abusers will circle back around to their victims and make a lot of noise about how they’ve seen the light and now this time things will be different and doesn’t he deserve a second chance? And to someone who wants to believe that their partner loves them and wants to be better… well, those are very seductive things to hear. Especially from the father of your children.

I bring this up because, like last time, she’s going to be with him until she’s ready to leave. At some point, she will hit her breaking point and she will decide that enough is enough and it’s time to get the f--k out. There isn’t really any way for you to speed up this process; trying to force the issue is more likely to make her dig in her heels and give him more leverage to cut her contact with you.

Now, the thing I’m most concerned about is your aunt/her mother. Getting her involved was key to helping your cousin to get away from this dude last time. The fact that she seems to think that emotional abuse and dictatorial control over her daughter is an acceptable price to pay for her grandkids to have a father in their lives is… worrying. That cuts out a very important and influential voice. If she’s erring on the side of “…but think of the children!” if and when your cousin comes to her with complaints about his behavior, that’s going to be more pressure for her to stay instead of divorcing this guy so hard his ancestors split up retroactively.

This is going to be incredibly difficult and frustrating for you, but the best move you have here is to just wait. Putting pressure on your cousin to leave is more likely to hit like a threat to her sense of self – that belief of “I’m not the sort of person who gets abused” that I mentioned. When we feel a part of our identity get challenged like that, we tend to dig our heels in and double-down, rather than admit people are right. It’s stupid, I know, but as a species, we’d rather stay in a s--tty situation than face the humiliation of admitting that we were wrong and other people were right.

The best thing – the only thing, really – that you can do for your cousin is to make sure that she knows that she can always reach out to you, to talk, to vent, to ask for advice or for help, no questions asked and no judgement given. You can even try to make sure she has ways of reaching you that her husband is less likely to find or take away from her. S--t, you could always take a tip from high-schoolers and use a shared Google doc as an ersatz WhatsApp or Discord server.

If she asks your opinion or your advice, be careful in how you deliver it. Situations like this tend to work better when other people think that their decision was ultimately their choice. You can express concern – “You don’t seem happy, lately”, or “I haven’t’ heard from you in forever, I’ve been missing you!”, and you can ask leading questions like “why would he be so against a family night out?”. Your goal is to plant seeds whenever and wherever possible and hope that they grow.

The important thing is that if the day comes that she does decide that she needs to leave him (again), that you do not give her any form of s--t. No “FINALLY,” no “Praise Jesus, at last”, no “it’s about time”, nothing. That’s precisely the sort of thing that she’s afraid of hearing, and even the slightest hint of judgement or criticism is likely to push her back to him. All she should hear is “What do you need? I can be at your door in X hours.”

If and when this happens, she’s going to need the love and support of her friends and family, and reassurance that she’s not an idiot, a victim or someone who brought this on herself.

And if you happen to encourage her to take a little more time to recover, re-settle herself and maybe take a break from dating and meeting men… well, that’s not a bad idea, either.

I hope things improve for your cousin soon, MMH. Write back and let us know how things are going.   

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I saw your "Flurry of dating advice" post on Google, and one guy said pretty awkwardly that he was into Asian goth girls because he associates paleness with Japanese horror.

The thing is, I more or less agree with that guy. I'm not goth myself, but I do like that subculture, and might make some new additions to my wardrobe. I'm sort of into pale women in general because I associate pale skin with mortality, the supernatural, and horror. Some female characters I'm a fan of have this trait and and something to do with these themes: Death of The Endless (DC's "The Sandman"), Frederica "The Cleaner" Sawyer (Black Lagoon), Tomie Kawakami (Junji Ito), and Morticia Addams (The Addams Family). For a pale male character I'm a fan of, John Kramer (Saw).

Essentially, I agree with the Gothic subculture; it appreciates paleness aesthetically because it represents macabre themes such as death, mortality, the supernatural (think vampires, ghosts, the undead), the afterlife, and decay.

And just like that other guy, I love horror; it's my bread and butter. My idea for a date would be playing Silent Hill together, or reading horror manga together late at night while H.P. Lovecraft ambience plays in the background.

I'm essentially asking if it's normal for horror fans, male or female, to find pale skin attractive? Is it normal to find beauty in pallor? Because this makes two people who do. Is it normal, and do you have any good dating tips for me?

Spooky Is Sexy

DEAR SPOOKY IS SEXY: You’re asking the wrong question, SIS, because whether this is “normal” or not is ultimately irrelevant. “Normal”, in the context that you’re referring to, just means “in the mainstream”. Attractiveness and physical beauty is as much cultural as it is biological. While, as a general rule, we tend to find things like facial symmetry and outward signs of physical health attractive, a lot of what’s considered “beautiful” is going to be defined by outside influences – your culture, your peers, your life experiences, and so on.

Standards of beauty have varied wildly over time and around the world. Things that one culture or people saw as the epitome of beauty often would weird out others – blackened teeth in Southeast Asian and Oceanic cultures in the 16thand 17th century would be repulsive in 18th Century France, while the powdered wigs, parchment-white faces with roughed cheeks and lips and fake beauty marks in Versailles would seem almost freakish in sub-Saharan African communities.

All of them would consider what they found beautiful to be “normal”. They might find other cultures beauty practices and standards exotic and intriguing or weird and upsetting… but it would be different and not “normal”. It’s only with the advent of modern mass-media that we’ve seen certain beauty standards become more dominant; that’s less about being “normal” so much as an increase in monoculture via cultural hegemony.

This is why wondering whether what you find attractive is “normal” misses the point. It’s not about being normal, it’s about understanding who you are and what you’re into. You dig pale skin, dark hair and the morbid and macabre. Your ideal partner is someone who appreciates goth culture, horror media and controlled scares. It means that your dating pool is going to be a little smaller than it would be if you were more into aesthetics that were more widely popular, but that’s different from being abnormal. Think of it like candy corn; a lot of people hate it, and a lot of people crave it. As the meme goes: there are people who will adore you for the exact same reasons as other people reject you. You are someone’s candy corn (derogatory), and someone else’s candy corn (complimentary).

Go find the communities and hangouts where you’ll find other folks with a taste of the macabre, unnerving, grotesque or scary hanging out. Worry less about what’s normal and put your focus on finding your candy corn.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com