DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I wanted to write to you to ask for advice about my inability to get dates, but also as a way to challenge my train of thought about dating in general.

In my early 20s, I started thinking seriously about dating. Until then, I’d had various crushes, but I was too shy to act on them, so I began looking for advice. I remember reading a lot on Reddit and in self-help books about how the bar is very low for men, that you just need to get presentable (hit the gym, get a nice haircut, wear fitted clothes), talk to women like a normal person, and it should be impossible not to get a girlfriend. So I did all that: I lost 30 kg (66 pounds) in a couple of months, “upgraded” my barber from my mom to a proper one, started researching clothing, went to kinesitherapy to fix my posture, started therapy to work on my stuttering and trying to become a more well-rounded person. Overall, there was a visible glow-up, but there were no women. I felt like I’d been lied to.

Then I turned to online dating. I asked a female friend to help with my profile. We went around the city doing photoshoots, trying to use the environment to show my passions (e.g., a picture in the Japanese garden to reflect my love of anime). We also brainstormed a great bio. A couple of months passed, and I had no matches. It made me feel very ugly and unwanted, so I uninstalled the apps.

I went back online looking for solutions, and what I read was that I needed to get involved in more real-life activities. At that time, my life revolved around work, the gym, and my master’s during the week, and gaming/anime on the weekends. I found a Japanese cultural NGO that offered language classes. I enrolled and started volunteering, but this was just two weeks before the lockdown. I enjoyed learning the language, it gave me something to do during COVID, and I even earned a certification. But it didn’t help with socializing: the classes moved online, and I never really got accepted as a proper volunteer in their group.

Next, I decided to go outside my comfort zone. I’d read that women like a man who can dance, that dance classes are mostly full of women, and that, again, it would be impossible not to get a girlfriend that way. I was hesitant at first because I had a bit of a trauma around dancing: in school, my math teacher once raised me in front of the class to ask why I hadn’t danced at the graduation party. Still, after lockdown ended, I found a Latin dance class. I tried from the start to make myself visible and socialize with both men and women. Over time, there were several women I felt I was connecting with, we’d chat for hours about personal topics, sometimes practice privately, go for coffee in our free time. But every time I asked one of them out on a proper date, I was rejected.

Around 1–2 years ago, a female friend told me her friend, S, would start attending salsa classes after she had an ad-hoc lesson during a vacation. We would interact in beginner classes and at parties, she’d initiate most of the conversation and would often invite me to dance multiple times a night. I didn’t think much of it at first, she was the kind of woman who invited many men to dance. We didn’t spend hours texting or seeing each other outside of dance. Still, she invited me to her place for New Year’s Eve with others from the dancing community (I had other plans), and one time she gifted me a bag of matcha after I randomly mentioned I liked it.

I started to catch feelings after we closed a party by dancing 5+ times in a row, mostly cuddled and not “proper” salsa. Around that time, I wanted to learn more about musical theory and percussion, and since she was a music teacher, I asked if she could come with me to help pick out a pair of claves. We spent the whole day together; after buying the instrument, we got food and later went for drinks. At the end, I asked her if she thought this was a proper date or just a friendly hangout, and she said it was a date. I was so happy.

The following six months were the happiest of my life. Sure, a lot of that was brain chemistry, but I genuinely enjoyed her and our time together. She was my first relationship, and we moved at my pace. In return, I was her first healthy relationship. Eventually, she ended things because of certain incompatibilities. It still hurts, I feel like we could’ve worked through them. It hurts even more when I see her at parties and she acts like I’m invisible.

The breakup was a year ago. Since then, I’ve tried to connect with other women. I reinstalled dating apps, again, zero matches. I’ve pursued women I met and connected with at parties, again, all rejections. I went to a speed dating event and had one match, but she never replied to my message. I asked friends to set me up, nothing. Maybe it’s the media’s that created this expectation, but I always thought getting a first date was supposed to be easy, that it’s during the date you figure out if you’re compatible. I also think I’m decent at the whole dating thing, after all, my only first date turned into a six-month relationship.

My therapist says I should just let myself be present in the moment and go from there, but I have no idea how to do that. With S, the signs were so obvious that I couldn’t miss them, but maybe other women have been interested, and I just didn’t notice?

In addition to working on my appearance over the years, I’ve tried to grow internally as well. I’ve asked friends and my ex how they see me, and I’ve heard things like: reliable, mature, punctual, attentive, funny, warm, wonderful. But I’ve also heard that I’m shy and not flirty.

The dance community has become my real “third place”. Even though I originally joined to meet women, I’ve stuck with it for 4–5 years because I genuinely enjoy it. I’ve discovered a love for learning instruments, I’ve started DJing in the scene, and I’m part of a great group of friends with whom I do lots of activities outside of dance. The social and hobby aspects of my life are in a great place and keep me occupied most days of the week.

So, after reading my story what’s your diagnosis? Am I trying to connect with the wrong women? It feels like the women I meet don’t see me as someone they’d date. Should I look elsewhere? In the past, I tried improv classes, and I’ve seen that my city has a large running community. Am I actually not connecting with women and just following a formula? What does connecting with someone even look like?

The Confused Dancer

DEAR THE CONFUSED DANCER: I see this is going to become a new genre of letter, to go alongside the “I’m too ugly to date”, “I’m doing everything right and I’m still single” and “How do I date this person I have a parasocial relationship with?”

First, because this has come up so often: movies are not real life. Movies are the funhouse mirror held up to society; they’re a reflection, sure, but distorted and warped in order to make the story happen. They’re not something to base your expectations on, because everything that happens in a movie happens because the writer and director said it does. Movies and pop culture can be useful in terms of providing examples for concepts and behaviors that can seem pretty abstract when described to you or laid out in text… but they’re not one-to-one guides for what to expect.

Second: CD, you’ve done what a lot of people have done when trying to figure out how to meet someone and get dates: you’ve worked on everything but the most crucial part of dating – actually connecting with people. There’s a lot about changing your presentation and your physical appearance, a lot about your dating profile and skills to pick up that would make you more attractive. But nowhere in there did I see anything about just getting comfortable with women, talking to them and building connections that can lead to relationships

Now don’t get me wrong: you put in a lot of effort and made a lot of improvements, and you should absolutely be proud of all of that. This took a lot of work, a lot of willpower and a lot of determination on your part. You’ve come a long way, and that’s great! I can absolutely understand why you feel confused and a little lost as to why things aren’t working out the way you hoped. 

I think part of the problem is that you’re still in a place where you’re so in your own head that you’re not having a real conversation with someone so much as trying to make sure you hit all the right marks.  I am willing to bet money that when you’re talking to women, you’re only listening with half an ear. The rest of your brain is focused on making sure that you tick all the right boxes so that you get enough approval points that will make a relationship just happen. To a certain extent, that’s a skill issue as much as anything else. 

And to be fair, that’s not the sort of thing that gets a lot of attention in self-help circles or online forums. Things like “help me fix my look” or “where should I go to meet women” get lots of engagement and attention because it’s a sexy topic and everyone’s going to have opinions. The same goes with strategizing about how to optimize your dating profile or take better pictures or what hobbies women find attractive; these all invite commentary and discussion and debate and before/after shots and all the rest. But these don’t do the work for you. You can look incredible, and that might inspire someone to say “hi” first… but you still have to be able to really connect with them on an individual level, in ways that help build mutual attraction and mutual interest. And that’s where you run into problems.

Part of the problem is that it’s easy to say that you need to develop your social skills, but it’s hard to say which ones and in what way. There’re so many variables �that feed into the issue – from upbringing, to attachment styles, to neurodivergence or trauma, to culture and individual personality – that it’s next to impossible to give one-size-fits-all advice. And, to be perfectly frank, there’re still far too many people who are giving bad advice – focusing less on organic connection so much as manipulation or following formulas and flowcharts that will “ensure” the results you want. It’s very unsatisfying to say “a lot of it’s just vibes, man”, but… it really is. People focus on checklists instead, because checklists give structure and a list to follow, but it’s a bad way of actually engaging with another person.

I think that’s part of the issue you’re having: you’re not having a conversation with someone where you’re fully present, so much as trying to impress them and convince them that they should date you. It sounds to me like you spend a lot of time running through checklists and thinking about your next steps, rather than just vibing with the other person. This is what your therapist means when they tell you to be present and in the moment; instead of thinking of what to say next or trying to read meaning into their word choice or vocal intonation or micro-expression, you want to just… enjoy the conversation. Pay attention to the other person with a goal of just getting to know them and what makes them tick instead of wondering if you’re at a point where you can ask them out on a date yet.

And the thing is: you’ve done this. You should know that you are fully capable of it because you have actually accomplished it. You have the ability; you just aren’t aware of it.

Think about your relationship with S, and how it all progressed. You weren’t actively pursuing her or trying to think about how to get her to go out with you. You were just… dancing and hanging out. You were being friends. Part of it was that she took the lead, sure, but another part of it was – as you put it – that you didn’t think much of it. In other words: you were being authentic and at ease with her. You didn’t have an agenda, you didn’t have an overarching goal, you were just kinda vibing.

In fact, this is precisely the sort of thing that I talk about when I talk about “dating slow”. You weren’t coming in hot; you were getting to know her in a low key, easy-going way.

It wasn’t until later that you started catching feelings, and even then, your first ‘date’ was less of a date and more just hanging out doing a thing that was related to a topic that you both enjoyed �– and, I might add, asking her to teach you something about it. That’s pretty huge; someone asking for your opinion about something you clearly care about and demonstrating respect for your knowledge on a topic is flattering and validating. It makes people feel good, and frankly, a lot of women are used to guys thinking that they know more despite having zero experience or education in the matter. That’s a big part of why it felt so easy and obvious – you weren’t so focused on looking for clues and signs and trying to critical-path your way through the interaction.

This is one of the reasons why “it’ll happen when you least expect it” is a cliché, even as tired as it is. The point is that you’re relaxed and outcome independent and not worried about trying to impress anyone or get a particular result. You’re just being your authentic self and getting to know another person. That’s a big, big part of why this all worked and why you’ve struggled since.

Now to be sure: S taking the lead was a big help. That took some of the self-imposed pressure off you. But that’s not something you can rely on. You have to start working on your shyness and start getting more comfortable with expressing interest and affection. That’s all flirting really is – you’re just showing someone that you’re attracted to them in a fun and engaging way.

I strongly suspect that part of your problem is that these are things that you only try when you’re trying to get a date; you see someone you like and you try to go into “attraction” mode. As a result, it feels clunky and weird and you’re stuck in your own head. This is one of the reasons why I tell people to get comfortable talking with folks and to practice being a little flirty just for the sake of flirting and having fun: like all skills, it becomes easier and comes more naturally when you practice it. It takes time and deliberate effort to go from conscious incompetence (you know what you want to do but you have a hard time doing it) to conscious competence (you can do it, but you have to think about it) – to unconscious competence (you can do it without thinking). The only way you can get to that point is to just do it. There’re no short cuts, no cheat codes; you have to choose to exercise those skills in order to improve. ��Yes, even if you’re an introvert. Even if you’re shy. Even if it would be so much less stressful if someone else would come and do all the hard stuff for you.

But this is precisely why I talk about flirting for fun and just being more social – because you’re taking the pressure off yourself to “succeed”. You’re not trying to get a particular outcome, you’re just chatting and being friendly. You don’t need to worry about whether you’re going to get a phone number or add them to your socials, you just chat and vibe and the only goal is to have a good time. It’s really not that different from hanging and shooting the s--t with your friends; the only difference is that these are friends you’ve only just met.

Does that sound cheesy? Sure. But that particular mindset – that these are people who already like you – is like a Jedi mind trick for instant connection. Because you assume they already like you, you don’t worry about trying to impress them or win them over; you can just focus on enjoying yourself and helping them have a good time too.��And there’re as many ways to flirt as there are people. Some people like to banter, some people are demonstrative, some people are pebblers or crows – offering shiny objects or nifty rocks they think the other person would like. Part of the benefit of flirting for fun and practice is that it gives you an opportunity to figure out a flirting style that works for you and is congruent with your personality. It doesn’t do any good to try to flirt like Ryan Reynolds if you’re not a Ryan Reynolds type of personality, after all.

As it is, you’ve got a decent foundation for meeting new, cool people who you’re compatible with. You’ve got a hobby that brings you into a particular community full of other likeminded people who also enjoy dancing and music. You’re in a position to meet other people organically through the scene. If you let yourself relax and vibe, be a little more assertive and a little more demonstrative and a lot less focused on Get A Date, I think you’ll have much better results.

Don’t worry about formulas, don’t worry about doing everything perfectly or trying to impress people. Talk to people, find out what makes them tick and have fun. Get to know folks the way you got to know S – without focusing on them so much that you lose sight of everything else, and without trying to get some end result as quickly as you can. I think you’ll find that if you unclench, let go of expectations and just vibe, you’ll discover that your next relationship will come a lot easier than you think.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 33 years old Indian male. I’m 6ft and have great muscular physique as I’ve been lifting weights consistently for the last 15 years.

I work from home doing something similar to trading markets. I never dated in my life or went out on any dates or even had sex with any girls that wasn’t an escort. I got into the habit of seeing escorts/prostitutes from an early age of say 18.

Been seeing escorts ever since then and probably had sex with over 100 really good-looking women in this way. I’m only attracted to white women so all the escorts I had sex with were white. Some were attracted to me as I have great muscular physique and tall.

But I get down a lot as I’ve never dated or had sex with any girl that wasn’t an escort. There is no social validation that comes from having sex with escorts even if you are good at sex, good looking and some escorts find you very attractive.

I don’t go to bars and clubs as I don’t drink and I don’t like party scene. Unfortunately, online dating doesn’t work for me despite being 6ft and having a more muscular physique than 99% of men. As I believe this is because I’m only sexually attracted to white women and I am brown.

Most people date within their own race and this is more prevalent with online dating. It gets me down a lot as when I look at couples often the guy is short, has no muscles, etc. and I deem the man to be inferior to me.

I am narcissistic which probably developed from being socially isolated and alienated all my life and developing a me against the world mentality. It just seems that dating works best for white men in the whole, even men that are below average will do ok if they are white.

I’m 33, made 6 figures two years ago but last yr was in a bad mental state and didn’t do well. I’m just focusing now on building my finances well again over next few years. I am planning to try dating when I’m 35 or 36 but I don’t know how I will ever meet any white woman I’m attracted to start dating.

Tried going to salsa class in past but didn’t meet any girls I was attracted to there and don’t really like salsa. I go to the gym around 5 times a week and I enjoy lifting weights but it’s not exactly a social activity other than getting compliments from other men about how good my body is. Tried some yoga classes as well but there is no interaction there between genders and they have separate changing rooms and showers for men and women.

I still have the aim of becoming a millionaire by the time I’m 40 which is definitely an achievable goal, But it all seems empty if I will never even be able to find any dates.

Seems like I will be 39 years old in 6 yrs, millionaire lets say by then with still a great muscular physique, 6ft tall and still never find anyone most likely due to my race and skin colour.

I have gotten into spirituality recently and it does says that in Buddhism they believe all of life is suffering and that preferences is what causes suffering. So if you have no preferences and no way you want things to be, no likes and no dislikes you can never suffer in life.

Is still tough all the time when I see couples and very often the man is inferior to me. Seems like I have been excluded from even having a chance to date or have sex that I don’t have to pay for.

Shut Out and Shut Down

DEAR SHUT OUT AND SHUT DOWN There are times when I get a letter where I truly don’t know where to start.

OK, let’s start with something obvious: yeah, race plays a factor when it comes to dating, and South and East Asian men in particular have had centuries of incredibly racist propaganda and pop culture portraying them as effete and emasculated, as nerdy horny bumblers or otherwise unsexy in various ways, especially when it comes to trying to date white women. That sort of racism is going to present a significant head wind, particularly if you’re focused on online dating.

But as I’m often saying: difficult isn’t the same as “impossible”. 

I would, however, remind you that online dating sucks for pretty much everyone, since the apps are primarily designed these days to frustrate you and get you to pay to be less frustrated. It also doesn’t help when the male-to-female ratio is close to 70/30 on the more popular apps and, quite frankly, most men really suck at using the apps effectively. So, part of the problem is a skill issue.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about a couple other issues that need to be addressed if you want to have better results.

The first is, simply, you’re not actually giving yourself many opportunities to meet women, and when you are, you’re making it harder on yourself for no reason.

As a general rule, people tend to meet their partners through dating apps, through mutual friends, work, school or social settings. While percentages vary depending on how one frames the question or defines terms, a plurality-to-majority tend to meet in person, and almost always through shared commonalities – you work together, you have friends in common, you go to the same school and so on. These all make that initial connection easier, simply because you have those things in common; contrary to cliches and late 80s pop songs involving cartoon cats, opposites don’t attract. We like people who are similar to us; the more we have in common, the more we tend to like them. And – importantly – commonalities cover a lot of territory; it includes things like background, the region where you grew up, shared values, mutual interests and so on. If you’ve ever bonded with someone because you both had a great conversation about a topic you’re particularly into, you know precisely how this works.

You work from home, which already restricts the number of people you come into contact with, and which means you have to put in additional effort in order to go meet people. You don’t go to bars or clubs, which is fine – that’s not how most people meet their partners… but they often do meet at parties, usually because there’s an overlap in social circles that brings them together. So while the “party scene” may not necessarily be your thing, getting friends together on the regular or going to friends’ parties and celebrations will increase the number of people you’re meeting and who are more likely to have things in common with you.

After all, if our friends tend to be similar to us, then their other friends are likewise going to have a higher number of shared values, interests and backgrounds – increasing the likelihood that you and they would get along.

The power of similarity and shared commonalities also comes into play when meeting complete strangers at social events or classes. Part of why we talk about having hobbies and passions you pursue is that these give you opportunities to meet other people who have the same interests – including people who you may well want to date. But the important part is to pursue things you actually enjoy and to do them because you enjoy them, not because you’re horny and looking to hook up.

This is one of the reasons why you struck out at salsa and yoga; not only do you not enjoy those activities – which is going to put you in a less pleasant and agreeable mood – but these have become some of the cliches of modern dating. It’s hard to overstate how many women complain about men coming to dance classes or yoga, not because they want to learn how to dance or practice yoga, but to circle around all the women like horny sharks. The guys who do this are clearly only there to hit on women and inevitably make everyone uncomfortable. This means that women are less likely to want to talk to you and more likely to stop going entirely.

It gets worse when you clearly don’t enjoy the activity or the subject. Not only is that going to affect your mood – which will have a negative effect on meeting people – but it makes it that much more obvious that you’re there to treat it like a sex ATM and not a class. That’s going to take people who already have a reason to be defensive and help ensure that they aren’t going to talk to you more than they absolutely must.

That doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to meet women at dance classes or yoga or what-have-you; people do that all the time. The issue is that you are going about it in ways that stack up so many debuffs and disadvantages that you’re reducing your odds so much that I’m not sure science has numbers to calculate them.

Very few people, after all, start a relationship with someone they just met or only met very recently. Even when meeting on dating apps, there tends to be a lot of talking and feeling one another out before the first official “date” happens. If you have a tendency to come in hot, you’re going to be failing the vibe check long before you even get to the part of saying “hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you, can I give you my number?”

(Also, as a complete aside: you do realize that “many of these escorts were attracted to me” is functionally the same as “the stripper really likes me”, right? Sure, maybe you’re better looking than many of her clients, but you’re still a client and flattering the client’s ego is part of the job.)

But I think the biggest issue is that, as happens so frequently, you’re wrong about what’s important to women. You, like so many men who’ve written in, are focused on qualities that other men think are important because those are qualities that men admire. In fact, the thing that drives me nuts about your letter is you are so very close to having a profound realization, and you keep missing the point. You even say it multiple times: you keep seeing happy couples where the man is “inferior” to you, and yet somehow you keep trying to double down on what’s not working.

Have you considered that maybe, just maybe, you got this one wrong and need to change things up a little?

Yeah, race is a factor, but being white isn’t the trump card for everything else. These guys – these schlubby short kings who don’t have six figure bank accounts – aren’t with their wives and girlfriends because they’re white enough that the rest doesn’t matter. Those women are with them because those guys have qualities that women want, and as it turns out, that doesn’t mean height, muscles and money.

Is height attractive? Sure, lots of people like tall guys. But attractiveness isn’t the exclusive province of the tall. Internet Boyfriend Du Jour Pedro Pascal is 5’10”, and Oscar Isaac – last year’s model – is 5’9”; you would be hard pressed to find women who’d kick them out of bed because of some “you must be THIS tall to ride” sign by the door.

The same with being jacked as hell. While women are visual creatures too and can appreciate a fit guy, they aren’t going to care about or wax rhapsodic over an incredibly developed back and traps, nor comment on them… but men sure as hell will.

(Now, strong hands and forearms… wooooo nurse, that’ll get you places.)

And as for being a millionaire by 40… I mean, good luck and God speed, but the people who are going to care most about that are people who are interested in money or being kept in a particular lifestyle to which they intend to become accustomed. Most women are going to be more concerned that you’ve got your s--t together, you can cover your share of the bills and not wreck their credit rating.

In fact, women are going to care a lot more about a guy who’s kind, who actually likes them and who makes them laugh and feel good. This is why you’ll see dudes who look like rats who got exposed to radioactive waste and sell meth behind the Waffle House between shifts who have a wait list for women who want to bang them, while there’re a lot of guys who supposedly check all the boxes spending their weekends alone. Being rich is nice, but it ain’t gonna make up for a lack of chemistry or social skills. Neither will height or muscles. Or, for that matter, not being a self-proclaimed narcissist with a chip on his shoulder, complaining about “inferior” men.

(Also, you’re misinterpreting Buddhism and what desire being the cause of suffering is actually about, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Seriously, 90% of your problem comes down to “I am narcissistic which probably developed from being socially isolated and alienated all my life and developing a me against the world mentality.” These are the things you should be working on, because I can promise you, women can sense this on you. There’s a lot of entitlement and resentment that’s radiating off you like stink lines off a cartoon character. That’s gonna make sex vanish like it got Thanos-snapped out of existence, no matter how yoked you are.

Here’s the thing that you should know: all the sex-gettingest men I have met – who have had more partners than you’ve had hot dinners – have had in common: they genuinely like people. They’re fun to hang out with, they treat people well and folks enjoy their company. Some were fit, some were obese. Some were tall, some were 5’4” even in cowboy boots. Some were classically good looking and some had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle. But while their charisma presented in different ways and their technique was as varied as the individuals themselves, they liked people. They were friendly, open and warm and rarely if ever lacked for a date on Saturday night.

If you want to do better with women, I suggest you make getting over that bitterness a priority while also working on developing your social skills. Otherwise, you’re going to have gym-sculpted muscles, a lovely penthouse with prime views and every sports car you ever dreamed of… and absolutely nobody to share it with.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am someone who has just about everything in his life figured out and I have great social skills.

However, it seems like most single girls nowadays have one and one only passion, traveling.

I have not traveled a lot in my life (once in Europe, 3 – 4 times in the US and 3 – 4 times in Canada). I do not mind the idea of traveling, but it is not the first thing I would do if you gave me options.

My question is the following; is traveling a requirement nowadays to even have a chance of dating successfully?

Thanks

There And Back Again

DEAR THERE AND BACK AGAIN:  I’m going to give you and my other readers a little inside-baseball information: I’m pulling your letter instead of saving it for one of my lightning-round columns because there’s actually more meat on this particular bone than just the immediately obvious “no, of course you don’t have to be well travelled in order to date.”

Instead, we’re going to dig into this a little, because there’re actually a few layers to this.

The first layer is less about traveling specifically, so much as about interests in general. People list their interests on their dating profiles because they’re an easy way to sort for compatibility. As I’ve said many times before: opposites don’t attract. We actually prefer people who are similar to us, and the more things we have in common, the more we tend to like one another.

Someone who likes traveling is more likely to want to date someone who also likes traveling, and is less likely to be interested in dating someone who’s more of a homebody. The same goes the other way; if you’re more of a hobbit than a Ranger or explorer, then you’re not as likely to be happy with someone who wants to travel. After all, adventures make one late for dinner and take you away from the comforts of home. It’s certainly possible for a jet-setter and a homebody to make it work, but it’s going to require more work to find a comfortable balance than if you’ve got two intrepid adventurers or two nesters.

But that’s where the second layer comes into it: it’s less about the experience so much as the interest. There’s a difference between being well-travelled and being a traveler. Someone who has done a lot of traveling – for work, for school, because you were in the military, etc. – isn’t automatically someone who actually likes traveling. You (the generic “you”, not you specifically, TABA) may have done it, but it wasn’t something you would’ve chosen if you had the option.

By the same token, someone may not have had the ability or opportunity to travel but absolutely would, if given the chance. Maybe they haven’t been able to afford it, they don’t have friends or family who want to travel and they don’t want to do it alone. Finding someone who also wants to travel and explore would be great for them; someone who could help show them the ropes might well be their ideal partner. And for the more experienced traveler, being able to take someone around and show them the world and take them to their favorite places can be an amazing experience. So in that sense, it’s not so much about having to have X number of stamps in your passport or pins in a map as it is about the desire to acquire them.

The third layer is that sometimes traveling isn’t about the activity, so much as what it represents. When someone makes a point about being into traveling, they’re often signaling that this is about of other aspects of themselves. It may be, for example, that they’re communicating that they’re a free-spirit, who lives moment to moment and likes to go on adventures at the drop of a hat. They’re someone who may decide that they want to go on a road trip and, oh, I dunno, visit every Meow Wolf in the United States.

(I highly recommend starting at the OG in Santa Fe, incidentally; it sets the tone and teaches you what to expect from the others, even if you have to backtrack to Houston from Vegas or Denver.)

Others may be making a subtle flex – talking about the exotic locales and luxurious resorts they stay in. This is as much about having both the freedom to travel and the resources to do so in style and comfort, as well as a hint at the sort of lifestyle potential partners could expect if they were in a relationship together.

Still others are sending a message about themselves – by emphasizing their interest in travel, they’re talking about how they’re worldly and cosmopolitan as they go on their own Grand Tour of Europe.

They may be signaling an interest in other cultures or broadening their perspective beyond the values and views of the culture and community they grew up in, taking a wider view of the world. Or they may signal that they’re adventurous and like to get off the beaten path as they hike over mountains or travel through rainforests.

And then there’s the fifth layer: it could well be something they put in their profile because they think they’re supposed to. While every woman doesn’t talk about loving to travel, it’s common enough that it’s a cliché like “long walks on the beach”; the sort of thing you include because it’s kind of expected.

So what does all this mean for you, TABA? Well, mostly it’s a sign to read for context and what it means to them. It’s an indication of something that has great meaning to them – what, precisely, is going to be a matter of what else they have to say and what else they choose to highlight.��For you, it’s a matter of deciding whether someone who loves traveling is someone you’d want to be in a relationship with. You don’t necessarily need to be an experienced traveler to date successfully – people who never leave the town where they were born date and get married all the time, after all. But, seeing as you don’t care for it, someone listing traveling as an interest in her dating profile may be a sign that they’re not someone who you’d want to date.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com