DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. I was extremely fortunate: My tumor was removed and I did not require radiation or chemo. I have my screenings yearly and all has been well.

Am I a "cancer survivor"? I never want to take anything away from someone who had a much more difficult battle than I did. I don’t want to use the term incorrectly.

GENTLE READER: First of all, Miss Manners would like to say how fortunate it is that you are now well. Even the mildest forms of cancer are frightening.

Now for the admonishment:

Are you (and the rest of the world) under the impression that cancer is a competition? Or worse, a war to be fought? Metaphors like “losing,” “fighting,” “succumbing” or even “surviving” the “battle” add a stigma to a situation that was never a fair contest.

Miss Manners would prefer that any such label be dispensed with altogether. If it comes up in conversation, you simply say that you had cancer, and that now, thankfully, you are doing well. That is as much of a description as is necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a 1-year-old grandchild who lives 90 miles from us. Our frustration comes from their parents advising us to purchase gifts only from their curated wish list.

They strongly defend the list as their "knowing what’s best" for their child. I have twice been rebuked for varying from said items, once by brand and once by color. It’s nearly impossible to get the exact item requested, given the endless choices of children’s products out there. When receiving a thank-you, the items that weren't from the list are not mentioned.

Last Christmas, we were forced to keep an item that cost $100 when we were told that they had bought their own version for their child, and it was too late for us to return ours. You can imagine our surprise when we visited them and saw our grandchild playing with some plastic toys, which we had been told were unacceptable.

We feel the joy of shopping for our young grandchild has been completely usurped, and we don’t relish having to do so for many years to come. Should we accept this disheartened feeling and follow the list to keep the peace?

GENTLE READER: No, please resist. Miss Manners does not wish to live in a world in which the registry bullies win.

You might tell the parents, “We enjoy getting things for Graham, and while you know what’s best for him, we like to have a little fun with it, too. Perhaps while he is young, we will just stick to experiences -- like taking him to the park when we are in town -- instead of giving him presents.”

As he gets older, Graham will surely start to have his own opinions about what he likes to play with. And you can start to form your ideas more directly from the toddler’s mouth.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a ministry leader at my church and am well-known within the congregation. After the church service, many people like to stay in the lobby for a few minutes to chat.

I find myself often in an embarrassing situation that I don’t know how to handle: Suppose I’ve been chatting with someone, let’s call them Person A, for just a minute. Then I feel someone, Person B, touch my shoulder or arm to get my attention. I turn to see that it’s another friendly person who wishes to chat.

Now, my body is still facing Person A, with whom I wish to continue talking, but my head is turned to chat with Person B, who has interrupted our conversation.

I find this situation terribly awkward and disrespectful to Person A. Sometimes, when I finally manage to end the interaction with Person B, Person A has already left. I feel awful when this happens, and it occurs far too often.

I don’t understand how Person B can feel it’s acceptable to interrupt an ongoing conversation, but at the same time, I don’t know how to ignore someone who is physically trying to get my attention. Can you please advise me on how to handle this situation?

GENTLE READER: Ah yes, the ministry two-step. Listen raptly until Person A reaches the end of a sentence. Say, “Excuse me just one second.” Turn to Person B. Say, “I was just talking to Person A, won’t you join us?” Turn back to Person A, opening up the circle to include Person B. Say (to Person A), "You were saying ..."

And do this all so quickly that neither Person A nor Person B has a chance to take over. Fortunately, as a ministry leader, you are used to commanding attention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was “the other one” in my relationship with the person I loved. Even aside from the marital infidelity, the relationship would have been considered scandalous by my lover’s family because I am the wrong race, gender, social class, age, whatever (pick one).

My loved one died, leaving me grieving in isolation. I posted condolences, attended the funeral quietly and sometimes visit the grave alone. I need to do so as part of the grieving process; I am near recovery now, and distancing myself from the death.

Even so, the relatives have begun making pointed inquiries about me. I have ignored the questions so far, primarily because doing otherwise would be a betrayal of my loved one’s wishes and reputation. My obvious sin aside, am I now doing the proper thing?

GENTLE READER: That will depend on your guess as to the motivation behind the inquiries, as well as how much time has passed. Miss Manners would only expect you to welcome overtures from well-meaning family members for whom any thoughts of scandal or sin were buried with the deceased.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boss let me know that my co-workers have often “told on me,” reporting when I arrive back to work three minutes late from lunch or leave a few minutes early (to make sure I took the time off).

I don’t know how to continue to work with these people and see them daily, now that I know that none of them are my friends -- and that, in fact, they have it out for me and are reporting every little thing I do.

GENTLE READER: Naive Miss Manners never fell for the line that her co-workers should also be her best friends. But then, she also never suffered the heartache of being fired after years on the job only to discover, as so many have, that all those supposed friends no longer returned her calls.

She would, however, have taken note of a boss who was decent enough to tell her what was going on -- both so that she could correct the behavior that might be threatening her continued employment and to establish some reasonable expectations about co-workers.

As to these particular colleagues, Miss Manners would have no trouble treating them with a professional aloofness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it worse to go to a party without RSVPing or to not go to the party?

GENTLE READER: As this is a question about skipping important steps, Miss Manners noticed a few other points missing.

As there is nothing wrong with declining an invitation, she presumes your second option refers to the rudeness of failing to attend after having said you would. And you would not call someone rude for failing to attend due to a recognized exception such as a genuine illness.

Either way, her answer is, “Why do you ask?” If it is to keep score, she will remind you that two wrongs do not make a right. However, showing up unexpected is harder on the host, who will now have to stretch his four-bean stew to five guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my children were growing up, we were close friends with another family. Both families taught the children old-fashioned respect for their elders and expected them to call adults by "Mr." or "Mrs."

One of their children is now attending our church. She is in her mid-20s and I am 49. She continues to refer to me as "Mrs. Smith." It feels awkward, especially in small groups like our women’s Bible study. I have invited her to call me by my first name several times.

She is a sweet girl, and I don’t want her to feel chastised. But it makes me feel strange. Should I let it go or continue to ask her to use my first name?

GENTLE READER: You may decide how you wish to be addressed, but there is no reason the adjustment needs to be unpleasant for her.

On the contrary, take her aside and make a fuss over how charmed you are to have her as an adult friend -- how she is no longer a child -- and how much it would mean to you for her to address you as such. Just please, for Miss Manners’ sake, refrain from the trite excuse that being called "Mrs." makes you feel old.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)