DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a huge fan of your articles. They have been helping me through some tough times in my personal life. I don’t want this to be too long, I’ll try to be as thorough as I can within reason. For most of my young life, I’ve had immense social anxiety at middle school, high school, and college and beyond. I was very much in my head at all times, especially when it came to engaging with women or just making friends of a certain caliber or perceived value for me in my mind. I have always fantasized about becoming famous and blowing everyone out of the water with my skills and talents so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the BS that comes with socializing, trial and error, and the anguish that comes from all the failed attempts to connect with people. 

I had this chip on my shoulder as far back as high school, when I discovered my passion for making music. I wanted to be a rapper, still do, to some extent. I figured my social anxiety is crippling, but one day I’ll be famous and it’ll all be worth it, and this was my excuse to not try for a very long time consistently. I was afraid of being judged, I was afraid of being embarrassed, I was afraid of being really killed, rejected. I carried this fear with me well into my adult life. I studied at an art school for undergrad and I majored in film. I’ve always had creative aspirations deep down. I wanna be an actor, a painter, musician, everything! It sucks to have so many dreams because it’s hard to focus just on one. I have put off these dreams for a long time for reasons I can’t fully describe, but the main thing has been fear. I want to be an entertainer through and through, but up until this point, I haven’t really exercised that passion in real life. I am starting to warm up to it now, but the reality is, it’s been tough for me to balance out those dreams and also figure out how to actually sustain and make a living. I’ve had the same retail job since I graduated college for the past 10 years. Albeit it’s a good job with good benefits, so to speak, it’s no longer fulfilling me and it feels like it stifles my confidence. Now I’m more nervous when it comes to dating. 

In the past two years, I went and did a master’s program for animation to jumpstart my creative journey once again. This was not too long after my father passed away during the summer of 2021, which was a major blow. Though interestingly enough, for the first 6 months after his passing, I found myself having surprising success with dating, but it was short-lived once I started grad school and all dried up. I feel like I’m starting from square one all over again. I have good friends who are all on their own way optimistic, upbeat people who are pursuing things and in theory should be inspiring to be around them enough. 

That said none of my friends really openly and directly help me with my dating life. They support my pursuits from afar, but they don’t actively take part in trying to help me, and I wouldn’t expect them to at this point because it’s my responsibility. I don’t do anything consistently, and I should. Something is always holding me back. It’s easy to blame depression; my addictions to weed or procrastination or what have you, and that’s all a part of it, but ultimately, I’m not in the position of trying to make excuses for myself anymore. But you know, even something as simple as going to a bar, alone or with friends, I’m putting myself under immense pressure to connect hook up etc, make up for lost time as it were. My self-worth is very much tied up in it, and I’ve had ideation over the years out of the deep frustration. I’m in therapy and it’s going well, though even at 33 I find it excruciating to push through all this inner resistance. I feel like a complete failure whenever I go out. There are so many beautiful happy vibrant women out there, and I am constantly overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy because of my lack of accomplishment, as it were. And I know logically that doesn’t hold up because as many of your articles suggest, that is more something in your head and anything else. That said, I can’t seem to shake it off. I can’t shake off this feeling that the only way for me to have a happy life is as if I become this prolific artist of some kind that people recognize and praise and want to sleep with. And I realize that’s not a sustainable way to go about the world, but I’m scared to let go of it.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for all that you do,

Artist In Waiting

DEAR ARTIST IN WAITING: First of all, AIW, if what you’re saying in your letter is literally true, I don’t think this is about procrastination or social anxiety. If you’re literally dealing with free-floating fears of being murdered – not just hyperbole, but actual fears that someone will kill you – then you’re think you’re dealing with a full-blown anxiety disorder and you should be looking into more than just talk therapy. And even if those fears of being killed are just exaggeration for effect… well, you should probably be talking to your therapist about going to a physician or psychiatrist for anti-anxiety medication. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, even EMDR can all be very effective, but sometimes the issue is that you’ve got issues with your neurotransmitters and serotonin reuptake.

Now that having been said, I’m glad you’re in therapy, AIW, because what I’m about to do is the opposite of therapy: I’m going to take that dream of yours and stomp all over it with my big stompy Doc Martins of Reality, with the extra thick treads.

Here’s the truth: what you’re hoping is never going to happen, because you’re hoping for something that doesn’t exist. What you’re describing is a magic bullet that’s going to insulate you from any rejection and inspire other people to be so turned on that they’ll do all the work for you. And there just ain’t no such animal. There isn’t anyone, alive or dead, who is so creative, so talented, so beloved that all they would have to do is just appear and let the other person take them by the hand and lead them through every part of a relationship. Even at the height of Lisztomania, when Franz Liszt’s audiences would go into Maenad-like ecstatic frenzies, nobody was saying “sit back and let me do all the heavy lifting”.

Moreover, being rich and famous isn’t a cure for anything other than “not having money” and “enjoying having a private life”, nor is being a successful, talented and accomplished celebrity going to remove the possibility of being judged or rejected, or even from completely s--tting the bed on social occasions. Entertainers are often among the most anxious people simply because their jobs are entirely dependent on people liking them. They have to face judgement constantly at every level – from the bookers and talent agents, the casting directors and artist juries to the media and audiences. It’s baked in to the job description.

Chris Evans – Captain America himself �– has been very open about his at times crippling anxiety. Brendan Fraser destroyed his body in attempts to prove that he was more than just some pretty boy pretending to be an actor. And there’re more “awkward celebrity encounter” stories that come out on a daily basis than I can count.

(And that’s before we get to how late-stage capitalism has systematically eliminated everything that makes it possible for artists to sustain themselves on their art – from low-cost housing to affordable health care, venues to perform in or exhibit in to quite literally stealing all of their work to train “AI” so that capital doesn’t have to actually pay the artist for their work.)

What you’re hoping for is a fantasy, a cheat code to life and those do not exist. There is no life where you are going to interact with other people where you’re not going to be dealing with the risks of other people’s judgement and rejection. If you want to avoid any risk of being judged or failing to connect with someone, get a dog. A dog will love you no matter what, and frankly, we don’t deserve them.

I bring this up because, honestly, I don’t know if you’ve realized just how much you’ve been hoping that the Success Fairy is going to come down to bless you with not just creative talent but a career and direction and also absurd levels of financial and social success. I don’t know if you realize even how diffuse this dream and ambition of yours actually is. You talk about all these creative goals you have, you list many different and distinct artistic disciplines that you supposedly want to do, but don’t focus on any of them. You single out performance art, like rapping or making music as being your passion, yet the steps you take are for film making animation – a career where you’re going to be a cog in the creation 99.999% of the time, not the face and name attached to the final output. While people can and do often have multiple outlets for creativity – I know multiple authors who also compose and perform music, actors who also paint, painters who also write poetry – it seems to me that you didn’t pursue animation because it was your passion so much as you picked something at random from a list.

I mean, if music is your passion and you want to be an entertainer, have you so much as tried out for the church choir? Or even gotten up and sung karaoke with your friends? Why did you decide to take a masters in animation instead of learning to play a musical instrument or composition and music theory or voice lessons? Why not take a poetry class or two or a creative writing course?

And look, I get it. I spent literal decides of my life trying to be a comic artist and illustrator – with occasional forays into painting, animation and photography – before I ultimately realized that wasn’t where my talent or my passion lay. But I write damn near constantly. Even if I’m not working on a column or a particular project, I’m jotting down ideas into a file for later use.

Are you doing any of that? Are there notebooks full of scribbles that you hope to turn into paintings? Is there a morgue file full of snippits of dialogue or plot outlines on your computer? Measures of notes that might someday become a composition, sitting on a sheet of musical notation? Anything at all?

I’ll be honest with you: I’m kind of doubting it. I think that’s in no small part because you’re wedded to the idea of CREATIVITY!!!! and FAME!!!! more than you are actually creating or producing or putting something out into the world. That means you have to open yourself up to that very same judgement and rejection that you’re hoping that your nascent talent and skill will insulate you from. There is no true act of creation that doesn’t require making yourself vulnerable to the judgement and opinions of others. Even being a loudmouth with an advice column means that you have to open yourself up and be ready for the folks who might take one look at your work and decide to rip it to shreds.

Putting art into the world requires that you actually put your blood, sweat, tears and soul into. You could shove all the prompts into a glorified autocorrect program all you want and call yourself an artist, but all you’re going to get is going to be hollow and dead inside because none of it actually comes from you. It won’t be your art. Hell, it won’t even be art. It will just be the output of someone else’s computer program, trying to find the statistical average of other artists’ work.  

And being an artist or pursuing your creativity doesn’t require that you do so in public. Even if your anxiety is so high that you don’t think you could put it out there for other people’s consumption, there’s literally nothing stopping you from learning an instrument and just noodling around at home for an audience of you, any more than there’re any obstacles stopping you from taking a painting class and just filling a spare room with finished canvases. Henry Darger famously created an entire, gloriously wild and weird world in a series of sketchbooks and collages that nobody ever even knew existed until after people were clearing out his old apartment after he died. But it seems like none of it means as much as being recognized for it and rewarded for it.

So I have to wonder if the reason why you’re still holding yourself back on any of this is because you don’t actually want to be a famous and talented artist, so much as you just don’t want to have to face the possibility of rejection and having to be open and vulnerable to others.

All of which is to say: the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have. You talk about your lack of accomplishments making you feel ashamed to talk to those wonderful, beautiful women, but I think it’s because you feel like you need accomplishments because otherwise you have to go out and hope they like you for being you. And let me tell you: hoping that your accomplishments will do the work for you is a recipe for misery and even greater insecurity. It doesn’t provide a stable foundation for your self-esteem or sense of worth, and the first person who doesn’t like it will kick it over like a tower of blocks, no matter how many other people tell you that you’re a genius.

I think what you really need to focus on is learning to love yourself, to figure out who you are and be that person to the best of your ability. Self-worth comes from self-love and self-compassion, not from accomplishments. If you don’t love yourself for being yourself, everything else is going to have all the emotional heft and strength of wet tissue paper, and every doubt and insecurity you ever face will blow through it like a meth’d out trucker at the wheel of an 18-wheeler.

Now, as I said at the start: if you weren’t exaggerating for effect, then it sounds to me like you’ve got a serious anxiety disorder that needs to be addressed, and that should probably be your first order of business. But the next step should be learning to create that core foundation of self-love that isn’t contingent on what you “do” or achieve. Without that, you’re building a skyscraper on sand, with no support, and it will fall over; it’s only a question of when, not if, and how much it’ll take with it when it goes.

Start looking within and find the core of who you are, without those magic bullets that’ll save you from your lack of self. They never help. But when you find yourself and love yourself the way you should be loved? You won’t need them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time caller, all that jazz. I’ve seen you talk about making small talk and asking questions and all that but what do you do if the other person just won’t respond half the time? 

Let me explain. 

I made a resolution this year to be closer with my friends and strengthen our friendships, because I feel like most of my friendships are actually pretty shallow and I’d like to change that. Among the people I’m trying to be closer with is a female friend of mine, about 6 or so years younger than me. She originally ended up in my social circle because she was the cousin of one friend and dating another, but stayed around after they broke up, because we all thought she was cool. We’re occasionally flirty but nothing serious and while I wouldn’t mind if something happened between us, I’m not going to go out of my way to try to make it happen. It either will or it won’t and that’s fine with me either way, I’m just trying to have tighter friends, especially since I’m fairly certain she’s casually dating someone. I mention the flirting because I wonder if it’s relevant or not, as you’ll see in a moment. 

Recently, I asked if she wanted to grab dinner at a new place in town I wanted to check out and just generally hang out. She said sure, we meet up, get a table, order drinks and half the conversation is great and half the conversation is me asking questions and getting either short answers or awkward silence. 

 I noticed is that if we try to talk about anything personal beyond the very shallow “so, how’s it going?”, she clams up. And to be clear, I don’t mean like I’m flirting when I try to learn more or get personal, I just mean anything that goes beyond whatever happened this week. But if I bring up something like JRPGS or computer games we’re both playing, like Metaphor: ReFantazio or Baldur’s Gate 3 or some other non-personal topic, then suddenly the conversation is easy and starts flowing like a river. Her face lights up, we talk about the characters we rolled, crazy outcomes to things we tried in game, all of that. It’s all easy and we’re off to the races. But then I try to bring it back to some of the deeper ‘getting to know you better’ questions and it’s like a gate comes down, the river is dammed up and we’re back to weird awkward silences again. And I should mention that she doesn’t ask many questions back. 

My personal theory is that maybe she’s worried that I’ve got the wrong idea that this was a date? Except I would’ve said that it was a date when I asked and our occasional flirting aside, I’ve never made anything that I would think could be seen as a move.

I have no idea if I’m doing something wrong, if she doesn’t want to be friends or if there’s some secret third thing I am completely missing. 

So doctor doctor give me the news. What’s going on here and what do I do about it? 

But How About Patch 8?   

DEAR BUT HOW ABOUT PATCH 8: This is one of those times where I think you have to accept someone as they are, BHAP8 and just roll with it.

Now, I wish you had provided examples of what you mean by “personal” questions, because that is a pretty wide range, even with the “shallow” filter. That could cover anything from “what’s been going on at work” to “anyway, how is your sex life?”, and how deep or personal you’re getting could provide some insight to the issue.

Without that level of info, we’re going to have to speculate, instead.

There’re a few possibilities here. One possibility is that yes, you’re right: she feels like you’re trying to go from occasional flirting buddies to something more, and rather than trying to turn you down directly, she’s hoping you’ll get the hint without her having to say it out loud.

I know you never said anything about it being a date, but there’re a lot of guys who’ll try to pull the Schrodinger’s Date card, where you’re both on a date and not on a date at the same time. If she’s worried that you’re trying to rope her into something or that it might be something that could be interpreted as being into you, getting quiet and not playing along is one way of avoiding the issue. This is especially true if she’s someone who’s conflict averse, or really worried about having to directly say “no” and upsetting you.

Another possibility is that she’s the sort of person who feels uncomfortable talking about herself, or may feel like you two aren’t close enough to really share those sides of her life.

A third possibility is that she doesn’t know what to say. I’m sure you’ve had moments where someone asked you something and then suddenly you realized you didn’t know how to answer it. One of the classic examples is “what do you do for fun?” or “what do you like to do when you’re not at work?” and you’re suddenly wondering if you’ve ever had fun in your entire life because you can’t think of a single thing. No hobbies, no outside interests, the inside of your head is nothing but a dial tone as you try to think of an answer and just draw blank after blank after blank. Sometimes being put on the spot like that can just cause your brain to bluescreen and you’re stuck trying to think of literally anything you’ve ever done ever.

A variation on this could be that she thinks her answers to those questions would be boring or stupid or she’s been made fun of for them before, and so she’s reluctant to bring them up. A lot of people – women especially – get told that they talk too much or that people don’t want to hear about something that they get excited for, and so they end up just quietly self-censoring around those topics.

Now, I think one thing that’s significant is that she opens up when you talk about RPGs and video games. Those seem to be things she really loves and gets a lot of joy out of, so they’re things she’s excited to talk about. This makes me wonder if maybe she’s somewhere on the neurodivergent spectrum and RPGs or games are among her special interests, whereas the personal stuff just seems less interesting or less easy to talk about.

The not asking questions part also makes me wonder if she’s the sort of person who thinks “well, if you had something you wanted me to know, you’d tell me…” and asking questions (or asking questions back) isn’t something that comes naturally or effortlessly to her. There’re some folks – especially among my neurospicy bretheren, sisteren and theytheren – who have to consciously remember that asking questions is A Thing and have to make a point of asking questions, rather than monologuing or going off like a rocket when you bring up something they’re really into.

So what do you do about it? Well, you can try a few conversational gambits, like dropping some obvious open loops or unanswered questions into the stories you tell or information you share – things that would prompt more questions from someone who’s trying to engage with you. You could even call it out directly and ask if she’s uncomfortable when you ask about more personal topics. Or say “is there anything you want to ask me?”

But if I’m being honest, I think this is one of those times where drawing attention to the awkward is only going to make her feel more awkward. I suspect in this case that the better move is to let the more personal or deeper questions go for a bit; I think it’s likely that either she doesn’t feel comfortable answering those questions in general or sharing more personal information with you. Since it doesn’t seem like you two have hung out much on your own, it may be that you just haven’t – in Persona or BG3 terms – gotten your social meter with her to the point where she’d feel comfortable talking about herself more. Giving her more time to feel comfortable and focusing on your shared interests – especially since they’re the ones she responds to – will lead to more entertaining conversations for now.

(It’s also possible that she’s just not comfortable talking about herself, period, but my advice would be the same, so it’s a distinction without a difference.)

You might also occasionally drop hints that you’re dating someone else or that you’re not looking at any hangouts with her as a date. Knowing that you’re not trying to pursue something with her might help ease her nerves and encourage her to let her guard down, if that’s the problem.

As it is, having a few ice breakers that don’t feel so personal – did she play the first Baldur’s Gate games and is she more of a Minsc and Boo person or a serious PC character type? Is she more into JRPGs or Western ones, does she like action-RPGs like Skyrim or Oblivion, has she done any tabletop? – could help keep things going. I’d also recommend keeping an eye out for signs that she’s worried that a topic is dull or uninteresting to you; in those cases, make it clear that no, you absolutely want to hear more.

Let her talk about the things she enjoys and she’ll have more fun with the conversation overall. That’ll help her have fun with you in general, which will help strengthen the friendship, even if you two don’t know each other’s deepest secrets. You may get to that point, or you may not, but I think trying to force it is going to have the exact opposite of what you hope.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 39-year-old male virgin. Thanks to blog similar to yours, but in my language, I started working about my mental hangups and, after almost 20 years, started putting myself out again. 

I met woman on dating site and after 2.5 months of talking to each other by communicator (1-5 hours a day, literally about everything, including flirting that edged on phone sex) we met in real life (weekend in rented place about halfway between our towns). Our physical relationship lasted all of 4 hours. We landed in bed less than 2 hours after we met IRL, and after some making out (I kissed a woman for the first time), we ran on a problem. She got into it hot and heavy, maybe faster than I was ready for. I wanted sex on that outing, had condoms, lubricant etc. but thought that we will get into it more organically, you know, cuddling, then kissing, enthusiastic consent and baby steps. As it turned out I misread the situation and my attempts at asking for consent or guidance were buzzkills. 

We started three times into heavy petting zone, and every time when I asked about how to do it pleasurably for her, she lost the mood. After the third time, she told me that next time I need scenario in my mind, and that sometimes lack of ‘no’ means ‘yes’. After that she left and gone straight into train home. I talked with her after that (after using rest of that weekend for recovery) and she tried to be supportive, but it included suggesting finding myself partner which have as much lack of experience as I (she suggested disabled and people with mental problems and I think she really saw it as being helpful). 

After that I am plagued with a question if we were simply not matched sexually or am I that bad in bedroom because of my lack of experience, that I need to patronize sex-worker to lose my V card and get remedial education in treating woman in bed before risking ruining another relationship?

Best regards,

Maybe I’m Not Ready For Sex

DEAR MAYBE I’M NOT READY FOR SEX: This is easy, MINRFS: this was a her problem, not a you problem. Yes, there were some things you could have done differently, and we’ll cover those, but those weren’t necessarily deal breakers and wouldn’t have been with the right person. Instead, this entire experience has absolutely nothing to do with your being a virgin and everything to do with her not being someone who was right for you.

Let me start off with something very important: you were 100% right to ask for consent and to check in with her. Asking if she were cool with things and wanting to make sure she wanted to keep going is a good thing. I will be honest: her saying “sometimes a lack of ‘no’ means ‘yes’” is enough to put my hackles up. While I’m sure she doesn’t mind someone just assuming or taking a lack of a “no” as permission, that’s not going to be true for everyone and treating it as a universal rule is a great way to set someone else up for failure. Even if we assumed that women were evenly split and it was a literal coin toss between “please ask” and “asking turns me off and I will end the date”, it’s better to err on the side of seeking enthusiastic consent simply because the consequences of being wrong are much higher for everyone involved.

If you ask someone who finds being asked kills their arousal, then all that’s happened is that your date ends early and in an unsatisfying manner. Sure, that’s disappointing, but disappointment is a very small consequence to face when you’re trying to make sure that your date wanted the same things that you do. On the other hand, if you don’t ask and the other person didn’t want to go further, now you’re potentially causing actual harm. Asking, even if asking would be a turn-off, is still the better choice. 

(Also: it doesn’t take much to make asking into something incredibly sexy. If someone’s really into you, it’s very hard to ruin the moment, and asking for consent isn’t going to hit that bar. However, by folding asking for consent into part of the seduction, you turn a simple question into something that can be very, very hot.)

What she says later, however, makes me think you that you dodged a bullet by not having sex with someone who sounds like a horrible human being. Telling you to find a partner who’s disabled or has a mental handicap because they’re more “your speed” is the sort of thing that makes me say “My dear sister in Christ, run that s--t by me again…” because my first thought would be “you can’t possibly have said what I think you said” and my second thought would be “what the actual pluperfect thundering F--K is wrong with you??” 

So, while I’m sorry you missed your chance to lose your virginity, and I empathize with how frustrating this was… my guy, you honestly lucked out because this was not someone you wanted to have sex with.

So what could you do differently? Well, to start with, I think it would’ve been good to talk about what you expected and what you might want or need, before you got together. It sounds to me like the expectation for both of you was that you were meeting up specifically to have sex. Even if that hadn’t been said explicitly and openly, the increasing flirting and near-phone-sex made it clear that sex was a strong possibility. In general, I’m a fan of what’s sometimes called the “Safe Sex Elevator Talk” – what you like, what you need, what your turn-ons are, what your turn-offs are, what you absolutely won’t do– basically giving them the “here’s what you need to know in order to win with me” guide.

The benefit to this is that it lays out information that a good sex partner would want to have. After all, someone who’s worth having sex with is going to want to ensure that you have a good time, just as much as they do. And in this case, I think saying “here’s how I’d like things to go” is entirely appropriate, especially since this would be your first time.

In point of fact, I think telling her that you’re a virgin and might need a little guidance would be a good idea. I don’t know if you told her you were a virgin before you met up, or whether it came up at all, but it’s information that would be worth her having. If she were someone who absolutely didn’t want to sleep with a virgin, it would give her an opportunity to say “ok, I don’t think that’s something I’m up for”, before you spent money on the hotel room or the Airbnb. But if she were someone who was interested in being your first, it might well change how that first night proceeded – especially if she were someone worth losing your virginity to.

Here’s the thing: while I don’t think someone’s first time “needs” to be special, I do think it should be worth it and with someone who’s likewise worth it. In an ideal world, you want someone who’s going to be caring and considerate, who’s going to be invested in your having a good experience overall. To be sure, this doesn’t mean that it isn’t going to be good for her – lots of people have had mind-blowing sex with a first-timer – but it would mean that things would likely have flowed more like what you hoped for.

(And, incidentally, saying “here’s how I’d like this to proceed” is absolutely something you can say. Don’t be afraid to speak up if there’s something you need or if something feels wrong or isn’t working for you.)

I think that her knowing that you were a virgin would also have changed her attitude towards your asking for a little guidance or encouragement. To be fair: sometimes the way a person asks can be a problem. But at the same time, context also matters, and the context of “I have literally never done this before” makes a difference.

Part of being a good lover is paying attention to your partner’s behavior and learning to read their reactions and responses – this gasp means “yes please keep doing that”, that gasp means “ow, I didn’t like that”, her grabbing your head and pulling it in tighter means “if you stop what you’re doing, I will absolutely murder you right now and no jury will convict me” and so on – and saying “do you like that” or “how does this feel?” can be part of it. But it can be irritating or a bit of a buzzkill if someone is constantly asking ‘is this good’, or ‘how should I do this’, like someone asking every couple minutes for help or instruction with a simple task, especially if they presumably know what they’re doing.

But as I said: you’re a virgin and this would be your first time, ever. If she knew that you were a virgin and was down to be your first, one would hope that part of showing you the ropes would be saying “do this” or “you know what I really like? When someone does this…” or otherwise giving encouragement and direction. So, while I can see how you might – and I stress might – have contributed to the buzzkill, I think the real buzzkill was her being a horrible person.

(Seriously, I’m not getting over the ableist s--t she suggested any time soon. Handicapped people and people with mental disabilities are people, not f--ktoys someone uses for practice what the s--t??!?)

Now as I said: I think this was a bad match for you in general and as someone to have your first time with. Would it be worth your time to see a sex worker for your first time? Well, let me ask you this: how do you think you would you feel, afterwards? Would you feel like you got an experience that you wanted, or would you feel like you “cheated” somehow or that this was ultimately a degrading experience or that it said something bad about you?

As a general rule, I’m pro sex-work and pro sex-worker, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your first time being with one (with the full that this is someone who’s doing sex work because they chose to and aren’t being coerced or trafficked, etc.). If anything, there’re some definite benefits: you’re guaranteed that the entire occasion is going to be focused on you, your pleasure and having a positive overall experience. But a lot of people have mixed or complicated or even negative feelings about paying for sex in general and for one’s first time in particular. If you’d rather not go that route because you know (or worry) that it’d make you feel awkward or bad, then it’s not for you and that’s perfectly fine.��So, moving forward, I recommend getting comfortable talking and being up front about what you’d like and how you see things going, especially if it’s going to be your first time. Keep in mind: this is intended as a dialogue, where your prospective partner also shares how she would like things to proceed. As you get more experience under your belt and especially if you’re dating someone or getting to know them, you’ll be better able to read that particular person and know “ok, yes, she’s down to do X” or “She’ll like it if I do Y”, but that’s something that comes with time and familiarity.

And more than anything else, let this be a lesson: just because someone is hot and horny doesn’t mean that they’re going to be someone you want to f--k. Make sure that someone you’re going to sleep with is someone who’s actually worth your time and that you’re both invested in everyone having the kind of sex they want to have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com