DEAR NATALIE: I recently found out that my boyfriend has a private Discord account that he’s been using to roleplay as if he’s single. Is this considered cheating? We’ve been together for six months, and as far as I knew, things were going well. But recently, I came across a separate Discord account that he didn’t tell me about. Out of curiosity, I looked into it and realized he’s part of a few private servers where he’s using a completely different username and avatar. He’s been engaging in what looks like roleplay and talking to other people (mostly women, I think) as if he’s single and interested. Some of the conversations are playful, but others are more intimate or borderline romantic. He hasn’t mentioned this to me at all, and when I brought it up, he brushed it off as “just fantasy” and said it’s not real. He claimed it’s a form of stress relief or escapism and that it doesn’t mean anything because it’s not physical. But I feel uncomfortable and honestly kind of betrayed. If the roles were reversed and I was online pretending to be single, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be okay with it. I’m confused because I know we live in a world now where a lot of relationships happen digitally and interact in a lot of ways. But is this crossing a line? And if I feel hurt by it, is that enough to say it’s not okay? – DISTURBED BY DISCORD

DEAR DISTURBED BY DISCORD: For anyone who isn’t familiar with Discord, it is a free chat and voice app where people can hang out in private or public communities, known as servers. It was originally built for gamers but now hosts all kinds of groups, from book clubs to crypto traders and, yes, relationship role-players. Think of it as if Slack + Zoom + Reddit had a wild child. You are both on different pages, it seems, over what you are comfortable with in terms of using these platforms as ways to flirt and roleplay with other people. If this is a dealbreaker for you, let him know now before you commit any more time to this relationship. He may shrug it off, but if the roles were reversed (pun intended) he may not be okay with you acting out fantasies with men in digital spaces. Be clear about your expectations and boundaries. If he can’t meet you where you are and won’t stop doing something that is hurtful to you, then take that as a red flag and walk away. 

DEAR NATALIE: After our parents passed away two years ago, my older brother stopped speaking to me. No fight, no explanation; it’s just silence. We were never super close but we went through a lot of tough stuff together growing up. I always assumed that after everything we’d endured, we’d at least stay in touch. I’ve reached out a few times on birthdays and holidays. He either ignores me or replies with short, cold messages. I’ve asked him directly if something happened or if I upset him, but he won’t answer. The rest of the family says to leave it alone, that “he’ll come around,” but it’s been two years. I go back and forth between missing him and feeling angry. Part of me wants to knock on his door and force a conversation; another part of me feels like I should stop chasing someone who clearly doesn’t want a relationship with me. Do I try one more time, or is it better to accept the loss and move on? And how do you grieve a sibling who’s still alive, just no longer in your life? – AT A LOSS

DEAR AT A LOSS: As a confrontational person, I would be at my brother’s door to ask what is going on with him. This feels as though he is cutting you off because it is too painful for him to see you. Sometimes we are a mirror for people. When he looks at you, what is reflected back is the losses he has experienced. Perhaps it is just too much. Some would say that writing a letter could be a good way to handle your feelings. It would let you get everything out uninterrupted. But how do you know if he ever reads it? And if he does and doesn’t respond, that would be like pouring salt in a wound. I understand you may not want to chase someone, but he is your brother. If you feel strongly about this, keep trying. Perhaps in time, his walls will come down. I hope he deals with his unresolved grief and reaches out to you soon.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

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DEAR NATALIE: I think my dad is having an affair and I “accidentally” caught him leaving a restaurant with a woman that was definitely not my mother. I saw them leave the restaurant holding hands and she kissed him on the mouth before getting in her car and driving off. I was meeting my friend there for a drink as they were leaving. He didn’t see me and I didn’t even tell my friend because I was so shocked. My parents are the best parents in the entire world and a wonderful, loving couple. I’ve never seen my dad raise his voice or say a harsh word to my mom. What do you think is going on? What should I do? It was like my whole world was shattered overnight. What’s worse is that I live at home so I feel like this is going to be so incredibly awkward. Should I confront him? Help! – DAUGHTER IS DEVASTATED

DEAR DAUGHTER IS DEVASTATED: You absolutely need to talk to your dad when your mom is not at home. You don’t want to jump to conclusions, but you also have eyes and saw what you saw. What if he is having an affair? What is the plan here? He can’t expect you to lie to your mother, so the truth needs to come out. But what if he says it was not what it looks like. Do you believe him? Are your parents secretly separated or in an open marriage? Who knows what their relationship is like on the inside. When you do speak to your dad, please don’t be confrontational with him. Attempt an open mind and hear him out. At the end of the day, he is still your father and you love him. What is going on may not be ideal, but give him a chance to explain before you judge. If he is having an affair, he will need to take responsibility and deal with the ramifications of his actions. 

DEAR NATALIE: My son was distraught the other day after school and so I sat down to ask him what was going on. He is 14-years-old and told me that he’s having issues with his new girlfriend. I wasn’t aware that he was seeing anyone, so I inquired as to what was going on. Then he proceeds to show me his phone. His “girlfriend” is an AI chatbot. I was dumbfounded. He isn’t so much having issues with her as he is with some of his friends making fun of him. Apparently, this is a thing now and he told me that she is much easier to talk to than actual girls. I said that of course she is because the algorithm is designed to keep you engaged and tell you what you want to hear. Then, he got upset and said that I didn’t understand. What I don’t understand is how easily these kids are being duped by this tech that is causing more harm than good. How can he ever expect to function in the real world and learn how to be with human women who are not going to just bow to his every whim? Thoughts? – CONCERNED DAD

DEAR CONCERNED DAD: I am concerned, as well, because this will breed further isolation and contempt for his own peers. Instead of taking these years to learn how to socialize and build connections, AI is replacing the awkward conversations, frustrating missteps and exciting “firsts” and replacing them with cold, calculated generative artificial intelligence cosplaying as a submissive partner who never asks questions or speaks their own mind. How will he learn anything? He won’t. He will then be left angry and frustrated when people in real life don’t give him the unearned respect and praise that he is expecting. This boils down to a few things: 1. Being afraid of rejection. 2. Not wanting to put in any time or effort but expecting instantaneous results. 3. All of the reward with none of the risk. As his father, it is important that you sit with him and discuss where this leads if AI takes center stage in his romantic life. But you cannot shame him about this. He is trying to discover what he wants or doesn’t want and thinks he knows everything already. Keep the lines of communication open with him. Set healthy boundaries around his screen time. Encourage him to seek out other interests or friendships that can happen in real life. Ultimately, your role as a parent is to help him navigate the world of real relationships, where respect, communication, and effort matter. The sooner he learns this, the better equipped he'll be to handle the complexities of human connection, and avoid shortcuts that promise easy interactions but lead to nothing meaningful.

Send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga:

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie Bencivenga” now streaming on YouTube.

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DEAR NATALIE: I just got engaged and my partner and I decided to try couple’s therapy ahead of our wedding so that we could work out any problems before we walk down the aisle. I have a lot of trust issues from a previous marriage and it has been impacting my ability to lean into emotional intimacy. Well, after our first session, my partner said he didn’t realize just “how screwed up” my first marriage was and is afraid that we are making a mistake. He said he doesn’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up in a way he wants in a partner. I was totally blindsided by this. We have talked about my trust issues in the past, but never in depth because I was afraid to open up that can of worms. I basically told him that his response is exactly why I don’t want to be vulnerable. Fast forward two weeks and he has since profusely apologized, saying that he was just shocked and needed time to process. But now I feel confused. Should I be with someone who so quickly turned on me? It took me years to recover from the emotional trauma of my past marriage and I finally thought that I was going to marry my best friend, but now I am not sure. How can I move forward? – COLD FEET

DEAR COLD FEET: Continue with couple’s therapy and start individual therapy for yourself. It seems as though he was overwhelmed by what he heard and perhaps had never taken the time to digest what you had been sharing all along. When he had time to sit with his own feelings, he realized he was too harsh on you and has since tried to make amends. This is a good thing. People aren’t perfect and sometimes we react without thinking and from a place of fear. But if a relationship can work on how it repairs after being faced with a problem, then that is the real sign as to how successful it will be. Healing is difficult, painful and takes time. Please be kind to yourself as you work through the layers of trauma from your previous marriage. I applaud you both for taking on the work, for wanting to better yourselves and your relationship. Everyone has baggage, but when you can carry them together, it makes it a lot lighter. Stick to the process and stay connected along the journey. You and your relationship are worth it. 

DEAR NATALIE: My mother is suffering from dementia and my dad refuses to seek a care home for her. They have been happily married for 42 years, but the last three years have been really challenging since her diagnosis. Last week was the final straw for me as I have bit my tongue up to this point on the issue. He came home from the grocery store to find the smoke alarm going off. My mom had tried to make something on the stove, walked away, left it on and whatever it was burned and was filling the kitchen with smoke. She was agitated and upset. She didn’t know how to turn it off and ended up burning her hand. She is ok, thankfully, but my dad called me crying. I ended up staying at their home for a few nights to help him. I realized being there that mom is worse than I thought. I live about 45 minutes away so I try to bring dinner once or twice a week, but I have two small children and a full-time job so it becomes challenging. My husband, who is completely supportive of me, said this is getting completely out of hand. He tried talking to my dad, but my father became angry at the idea of sending mom to a home. He felt that it was a betrayal and said he could never do that. I don’t know what to do, but I am worried for both of their safety. How do I convince him? Can I? – DAUGHTER IN DISTRESS 

DEAR DAUGHTER IN DISTRESS: I am sorry to hear that your family is going through this. It is very clear that your mother needs full-time care. I understand why your dad is afraid to let go in that way, especially after 42 years together. But now their safety is at risk, so you must speak up. I would frame it this way: “Dad, you know that I love you and mom very much. And after the stove incident the other night, I started thinking about what else might happen should you need to step out of the house to pick up her medication or grocery shop. I don’t want you to become a prisoner in your own home and I don’t want mom to possibly injure herself again or worse. Would you at least come with me to look at a few memory care facilities that I found which specialize in what mom may need? It could end up improving her quality of life, and yours, too.” He may not be ready to hear this, but if you frame it in such a way that centers her safety, he may be more open to it. He may also not realize what a toll this is taking on his own health and wellbeing, either. Tread gently and do your research before you connect with him. If anyone is available by phone from a memory care facility close by to help answer any questions he may  have in real time, it may help to ground the situation firmly in the present moment. I wish your family well and hope that both your mom and dad get the care and support they need.

Send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga:

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW show with WQED: “Destination with Natalie Bencivenga” now streaming on YouTube.

Watch her video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: @factsoverfearnatalieb