DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in my thirties now and haven’t dated since my early twenties. Some of that has just been life circumstances, some of it has been excuses using those life circumstances, but I’ve finally ‘got’ to the place I want to be, and now I just have to face the naked truth: I’m f--king terrified of relationships.

It dates back to my main long-term relationship from my twenties. In retrospect, it basically followed a pattern of me trying to get her affection (both like comfort and sex) to little success, so I’d start pulling away or get annoyed, and then she would have a crisis that made me come back to comfort her and the cycle would repeat. At the time I thought I was just upsetting her and being a piece of s--t, sometimes I was when I got annoyed. Now she did genuinely have some serious going on and thinking back I know she just wasn’t really ready to be in a relationship, but at the time I was confused and thought it was my fault entirely. One time I really made plans to break up, and I was kinda s--tty because I liked another girl and wanted to ask them out, and then my girlfriend trauma-dumped a lot of stuff and I felt obligated to stay, which wasn’t great, but I didn’t know what else to do and felt I really would be a piece of s--t if I broke up with her after that.

Which made the break-up devastating – we moved in together with friends and in the first week she went really cold and distant with me until I confronted her about it. She said she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in a relationship and had to think about it. So I gave her more time to think (I think I mostly wanted her to just be honest and say she wanted to break up) until I eventually asked her again and told her to give a yes or no. She did say no, and we had an argument, but it was a relief at least. Until a few days later where she started dating another guy in the house who until that moment, I had considered a friend.

I stayed in that house for ten months. Maybe a little out of some self-destructive pride, but mostly because it was an effort to get out of bed, then to not want to die, then finally not to kill myself. Eventually I nearly tried, but stopped myself by calling myself a coward and vowing to kill myself later. Later happened, and then I think I just started drinking a lot. Though in the past few months I’ve managed to cut that out.

That relationship in my twenties really messed me up I think. I’ve always known that, but the more I unpack it the more I realize how much it messed me up. By the time I walked out of that house I was thinking I was the bad guy, that I deserved it, that I must have been such an awful boyfriend for her to be so callous because nothing else made sense – I couldn’t blame her knowing everything she has gone through (and knowing I was the only one she confided about it, the new guy didn’t know) and the new boyfriend I thought was more just an opportunist than anything else.

I’ve spent the past ten years doing a lot of stuff, I’ve stopped and started, even living and working abroad for a few years, but mostly avoided relationships. Sometimes I occasionally tried or thought about them when I had a crush, but I just waited it out until interest died.

So I’m sitting here ten years on and that wound has festered. I’ve had therapy, but it’s expensive so can’t sustain it really. I’m on a waiting list for counselling, but it’s long. I’m on antidepressants, but it’s a carousal of raising doses and trying new meds.

I can drag it out of myself to admit I’m not a total monster who is unworthy of love and that I have things to offer, I am empathetic and want to support others, even if I’m terrible at receiving care and have never met a compliment I can’t pass on and say someone else deserves. I’m self-reliant and look after myself, have friends, like to get out and do things (I’ve found social deduction games are a great way to exercise the old hypervigilance). But even getting close to the idea of a relationship triggers every fear that I’ll end up in some kind of situation like I did before, and I don’t know if I’d survive it this time.

So how do you even start when dating feels like it could literally be life-or-death?

Date or Die

DEAR DATE OR DIE: OK, DoD, before I get too deep into this: if you’re dealing with thoughts that are triggering these sorts of panic attacks and you aren’t in a position to work with a therapist or counselor, I’d recommend looking into some self-directed cognitive behavioral therapy exercises. You can find these all over the Internet, including at sites like MoodGym, and they’re a good way of working towards getting intrusive and alarming thoughts and feelings under control.

Now with that being said, there’re a couple of things that need to be addressed here. The first is that a lot of this is in your head. And I don’t mean that this is all made up or that these feelings aren’t real or valid; how you’re feeling is entirely real and valid and understandable.

The issue is that this is you are reacting to ghosts of the past that only exist in your head and not out in the world around you. You are holding on to responses based on events that happened in the past, at a time when you had no real experience or even a role-model that you could look to that would say “this is a bad scene and you should leave.” But part of the problem is that you’re still responding to all of this as though nothing has changed – that you’re the same person you were back then, that circumstances are exactly the same and that you would respond the same way. 

You are, in a very real sense, locking yourself in the past by not letting it be the past.

And look, I get it. I’ve talked a lot about my formative relationships and how they f--ked with my head and it took time to process and learn some important lessons from them. But part of the problem is that I spent more time reacting to them rather than interrogating them. It was a long time before I actually said “OK, why did I act like this, why did I let X situation go on for as long as I did, why didn’t I do Y differently?”, and an even longer time before I could say “because I was afraid of A” or “I didn’t think I deserved B”, rather than “because I was a weak and awful person”.

Which brings up the second thing that needs to be said: your first relationship was toxic – please notice I say “toxic”, not “abusive” – and neither of you were conducting yourself as your best selves. Now here’s the thing: this was because you two were both ill-suited for one another, but also neither of you were willing or able to recognize that this was a relationship that should have ended long before it did. And again: I get it; I stayed in my first relationship for far, far longer than I ever should have. But this is a case where the toxicity is continuing, in part because you haven’t actually reckoned with the why of it all so that you can learn from it.

Here’s what I mean: part of the problem you were having in your relationship was that you had needs that weren’t being met – sex, affection, etc. – in part because you were with someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t meet them. She had her reasons that went deeper than “because f--k you, penis, that’s why”, but that’s not important right now. The point is that you were making a bid for connection and that bid was being rejected. Just as importantly though: what you were looking for wasn’t unreasonable. Wanting intimacy and affection from your romantic partner is entirely normal and valid, and is considered to be part of the basic relationship package unless otherwise stated.

Now, that doesn’t mean sex, intimacy and affection are available on tap; people aren’t soda fountains or vending machines after all. Sometimes a person isn’t in the mood, is upset, distracted, not feeling well or otherwise not in a place where they can respond positively to a bid like that. But when every – or even most – bids for connection are being refused, that’s a problem in the relationship that needs to be managed.

It’s important to note that some of the issue was undoubtedly a matter of your not necessarily understanding how to express that bid, and part of it was in how to deal with when that bid was refused or rejected. You would pull away and be petulant; I think we can both agree that this wasn’t healthy. Your girlfriend would then conveniently have a crisis that would draw you back in. That was her unhealthy way of responding to your pulling away, framing a bid for connection as an emergency; rather than addressing the underlying issue, she did the thing that she knew would get you back, even though it didn’t solve the problem for either of you.

Part of the underlying issue is that she didn’t actually want to be in a relationship but insisted on staying in one. Which meant that she was both refusing to end something she knew she didn’t want, but also wasn’t willing to fully commit to being in the relationship, which meant that she was leaving you in the lurch. You were under the assumption that you were both in this in good faith and for the same reason. And the fact that she didn’t want to break up or “let” you leave meant that you were only going to face rejection for the majority of your bids for connection.

It’s this cycle of bid/rejection/withdrawal/bid/acceptance that created this toxicity; you were both behaving in unhealthy ways that ultimately encouraged more unhealthy behavior.

But here’s the thing: this all happened in part because you were young and inexperienced. You didn’t know what you were doing. You were a couple of kids fumbling around in the dark and it’s not surprising that you both bumped your heads and jammed your knees. Making mistakes is part of how we learn what not to do. But in order to do that, you have to actually understand what the mistakes were and then learn from them so you can move forward and not make them again.

And you haven’t. In fact, you haven’t even moved on from them and from what I can see, you’ve learned the wrong lessons from them. 

Now here’s why this is continuing to be an issue: right now, I’m 100% certain that you’re reading this and hearing “…and this is why you were and are an awful person” and reacting accordingly. I will bet cash money that you’re looking at it and taking all of the responsibility for this on yourself. And this line right here: “I couldn’t blame her knowing everything she has gone through” is why I’m willing to make that bet. You’re taking 100% of the blame for something that wasn’t 100% your fault.

Here’s the thing: not letting yourself be upset when someone treated you badly is dumb. At best, you’re trying to pretend that you’re not feeling the things you very clearly are feeling. At worst, you are taking on responsibility that isn’t yours, for things that weren’t your fault, out of a misguided sense of nobility that ultimately doesn’t help anyone. It ultimately makes things worse for you because it hinders you from recognizing what actually happened and why, which means you can’t learn from it, you can’t grow because of it and you won’t move on in the way you should have.

Had your girlfriend gone through some s--t? Sure. Did that s--t leave her with some s--tty coping mechanisms, maybe some responses that weren’t healthy and caused more problems? Undoubtedly. Does that mean she wasn’t responsible for her side of things in your relationship?

Absolutely the f--k not.

History isn’t an excuse for s--tty behavior. Trauma isn’t an excuse for treating other people poorly. It can explain how someone’s come to behave a certain way. It can give context to why someone acts in a particular manner or provide insight into how it came to this. But at the end of the day, these are still choices that she’s making (or not making), and she’s still responsible for them. One of the most important commandments of being in a relationship with someone is “Handle Thine Own S--t”; if you have issues that cause problems in your relationship with other people, it’s your responsibility to deal with the problem, not to dragoon other people into managing it for you.

It’s a little like dealing with someone who has trust issues; while you don’t want to treat them with an absolute lack of care or concern, it’s on them to resolve the issues and to learn to trust again, not to expect the rest of the world to never let them feel a moment of doubt.

She had some awful stuff happen, which sucks and I’m sorry she went through it. But that doesn’t mean that s--tty behavior is no longer s--tty, nor that a toxic dynamic is no longer toxic. If you want to move forward, you have to be willing to take responsibility, yes, but only for the things that you are actually responsible for.

So, if we get back to the bid/rejection cycle, part of the problem on her end is that either she didn’t recognize the bid you were making (for sex, for affection, connect, etc.) for what it was, or how to respond to it in a way that wasn’t going to be a complete rejection. This was a conversation or series of conversations the two of you needed to have about your needs and wants and how you two could meet and manage them.

And if it was the case that this was going to be an issue – you wanted things from her that she couldn’t or wouldn’t give – then the right thing to do would ultimately be to recognize that you two weren’t right for each other and to break up.

That conversation didn’t happen – likely in part because I suspect you both knew that it would lead to a break up and neither of you were in a headspace to recognize that this is what you needed. Again: been there, done that, totally get it; breaking up feels like failure, like admitting you weren’t good enough or didn’t try hard enough. Not wanting to break up with someone because you didn’t to feel like The Asshole is understandable. And sometimes, even when you’re breaking up for the “right” reasons, you can still seem like The Asshole – to yourself, to your ex, to others.  

But that doesn’t mean staying together is the right call. There are times when someone needs to be The Asshole and, in those cases, it may as well be you, because nobody else is going to do it. And while it sucks to be in that position and nobody wants to break up, that may well be the least bad of a series of bad options.  

Sometimes breaking up is recognizing that while you may like each other, even love each other, that doesn’t mean you’re right for each other. Like the song says: sometimes love just ain’t enough.

That’s why the two of you flamed out in the way you did; things lingered and festered until one of you cracked. In this case, it was your girlfriend and she did you dirty in this case. She wouldn’t let you go, and she wouldn’t end things herself, but she wouldn’t and couldn’t be who you needed… so she waited until she had an opportunity that benefitted her and made it easier for her and did so in a very callous and uncaring way.

But you didn’t do yourself any favors by being petulant when you were refused, by not pulling the trigger earlier, nor in allowing yourself to feel the anger and frustration that you very clearly did and apparently still won’t let yourself admit to. You can say “yeah, I wasn’t being my best self” and also say “my ex done me wrong”. Both things can be true, neither cancels the other out.

Now, as harsh as all this sounds right now I need to emphasize something again: you were both very young and didn’t know what you were doing. That’s part of why you two f--ked this up. And you know what? You’re allowed to recognize this without thinking that this makes you an awful person. Yes, it was a toxic situation, but it doesn’t define you. You made bad choices out of immaturity and ignorance. Now you’re older, presumably wiser and you know now what you didn’t know before; if you encounter a similar situation, you will make different choices.

But only if you let yourself let go of this.

You aren’t wrong when you say that this has festered over the last ten years, and it’s festered because you haven’t actually dealt with the wound. The fact that you are still carrying around the guilt but not letting yourself feel the anger that you deserve to feel is like having debris in the wound. You need to drain that pus and clean and disinfect that wound if you want it to actually heal. And you don’t have to carry that anger forward. You can feel it, acknowledge it and then let it go. You can forgive her… but first you have to acknowledge that she’s done things that require forgiveness. And that means being willing to acknowledge that while you may not have been acting in alignment with your best self, neither was she. You were not the only person at fault here, and not facing that is what’s keeping you trapped in the past.

Once you can do that, you can then take the next steps of really digging into the “why” of it all. Sure, you didn’t want to break up with her because it would have made you feel like s--t… but was that the only reason? Were there other fears or insecurities lurking that influenced your decision to stay? Do you think that, knowing what you know now, you would end up in the same situation, or do you think you could advocate for your needs without feeling guilty for having needs in the first place?

That is the sort of thing you should be talking to a therapist or counselor over, because right now I think you need to hear someone else tell you that you could. But once you can recognize that your mistakes were made out of youthful inexperience and ignorance, that you aren’t defined by those mistakes and that you weren’t alone in making those mistakes?

I think you’ll be less afraid of falling into the same situation as before.    

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m trying to figure out if I’m overreacting or if this is a reasonable response. 

I (M/27) recently stated seeing “Amanda” (F/25), after we met on Hinge. We’ve had a few dates so far and our chemistry and connection have been undeniable, so much so that I realized that I wasn’t really talking to other matches. When I mentioned this to her, Amanda said that she felt the same way and was likewise not interested in continuing to be on the apps. While we’re not fully exclusive yet, I think we’re definitely at the “talking about exclusivity” stage and trying to figure out what it means for us.

At least, I was. Now I’m not so sure. As I was going through and suspending or closing my dating app accounts, I did a last flip through on Feeld, an app I hadn’t had much call to try. That’s when I saw Amanda had a profile on there as well, where she mentioned, amongst other things, that she made content for OnlyFans. 

This caught me completely by surprise. She’d never told me that she had an OF account and I feel like that’s the sort of thing I’d have the right to know. I confronted her about it and she told me that she’s had it for a couple of years now, it’s been a big part of her income and she only does solo content (vibrators, costumes and such) and isn’t planning or interested in doing two-person content. She told me she was going to tell me before we became fully exclusive, but she’s neither ashamed of it nor does she plan to stop.

I don’t know what to do here. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t want to have to deal with other guys, maybe even including people I know, watching my girlfriend shove things into her babymaker. Am I overreacting to this? Am I being an asshole here, or do I have the right to end things over this? 

Sudden Unpleasant Surprise

DEAR SUDDEN UNPLEASANT SURPRISE: Quick question, SUS: have you taken a moment to sit down and really think about what’s bothering you about this? That initial knee-jerk response tends to be the reaction you were taught to have, not necessarily how you actually feel about it. So, I think it’d be a wise decision to give yourself a little time to actually breathe through that initial feeling and dig into how you actually feel and why.

Now, to answer part of your question: you absolutely can break up with her over this. You can break up with her over literally anything – what side she parts her hair on, how she snorts when she laughs, her favorite brand of deodorant, anything. Relationships are double opt-in; if one person decides to end it, that’s their right. Your reasons are your reasons; they may not be good reasons, but they’re yours and that’s all that matters. Other people can have opinions about it, but they don’t get a vote, nor do they get to veto your choice if you decide to leave.

But – speaking of opinions – it’s my opinion that you need to stop and think things through first. Let’s start with something obvious: I am willing to bet cash money that you, yourself watch porn; 99.999% of people do. Unless you’re exclusively into hentai or you are dealing with some weird fetish where you only spank it to AI videos, then real people are making the porn you’re watching. Porn that you find arousing and are perfectly content to get off to. If you’re going to seek out women who are putting on a sexual performance for you and then run them down for providing you with the performances you’re looking for, then I think the bigger issue is with you, not with them.��It’s a little like the toxic trope of how men’s value is increased by the amount of sex they have while believing that women’s value is decreased by the amount of sex they have; all you’re really doing is saying that sex with men is inherently degrading. Seeking out someone who’s doing the thing you want and telling them they’re awful for doing it makes you the s--tty person here.

This is one of the reasons why I think you need to think about what’s actually bothering you here. You mention your friends might (or possibly even have already) seen her content; what about that, precisely is the problem. Are you worried about how that’s going to reflect on you? Do you think it makes you less special because other people have seen her naked too? What if, say, she were a professional art model who posed for figure drawing classes? Would you find that so objectionable that you’d throw the entire relationship out? What if she posed for an artist who featured his paintings of her in a gallery show? Is that reason to freak out? ��Does the fact that other people see her content – whether videos or pics or what-have-you – makes her relationship with you less “real” or “special”? Why would the fact that she makes adult content take anything away from what you have together – whether she’s making videos by herself or with another person? Is the fact that other people see her in a sexual context the issue – folks “getting” to see something you think is inherently “yours”? As I said: you almost certainly watch porn; do you have the same reaction if your friends also watch your favorite porn star? Does that take away from you? And if not, why not? You aren’t exclusive yet, any more than you have exclusive rights to the porn stars you watch…

Presumably she’s had previous relationships; does that make her less of a viable partner? Would you be less freaked out if she were still putting on those performances, but for an audience of one? You, likewise, have presumably had a sex life before you met Amanda; are you saying that your sexual history would be reason for her to freak out? Or does that only matter when it’s you?��Do you feel like the fact that she makes money – good money too according to Amanda, which is no small thing on Only Fans – is going to make you look bad?

Obviously, I have my thoughts on the matter and I’m not exactly being subtle about where I come down on this. But it’s like I said at the top: at the end of the day, my opinion doesn’t matter. Yours is the only one that does… but it works best if it’s your informed opinion and not just your reacting based on that immediate reaction. Especially since I seriously doubt you ever actually stopped and thought about it for longer than a few seconds.

So take that time to really dig into those feelings of yours. How much does this really bother you and how much of this is about you, not about her? Ask yourself: does this make sense, or is it just a bunch of double-standards and a Madonna/Whore situation? Does her having an Only Fans actually change the connection you have with her, the intimacies you’ve shared, the mutual interests and the time you’ve spent together? Is this about you, about your values, about jealousy or about insecurities? Is this about what other people may think – of her, or of you for not judging or rejecting her for this?

If, after you’ve really thought about it, really examined it, you find that this is something that you can’t get past… well, fair do’s. You’re allowed to set your deal breakers and boundaries wherever you want, and if this is a deal breaker for you, then that’s all that matters.

But it seems pretty stupid to me to throw away a relationship that was full of undeniable chemistry and connection when you didn’t know about something that wasn’t affecting you; not without really thinking things through.

Your call, SUS.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have always had difficulty approaching women romantically and I haven’t had a girl in my life in many, many years. I finally met someone through my brother. We hit it off at his wedding and we went out for the first time a few days ago. It was such an amazing experience and I felt like we clicked on so many things. I wasn’t anxious or nervous around her and I didn’t expect us to hang out together for as long as we did. We planned another outing immediately after we both got home. The wrinkle is that she’s going through a schedule change so she’s waiting to find out what her days off will be before she commits to any date in particular.

Being the person that I am, having this experience brought up a flood of emotions, enough to make me cry at some point. I was so happy for the first day after, but that happiness was soon replaced with a flood of shame, anxiety, inadequacy, grief, sadness, and self-loathing. I started to get in my head and think about how she has so many friends (many, if not most of which are men), she goes out and does stuff with people (I do things alone much more than I’d prefer, because life is short and I can’t afford to wait around for someone else to do them with), and how she is able to manage her s--t, even with all that she’s been through. I think she is such a badass, regardless of how she tells me she sees herself.

I feel like I don’t measure up because of how few friends I have, how little I get to go out with other people, and how my living situation is not ideal for having someone over. I almost hate that I met her because of how much I liked her and how much I felt we had in common. And I also have to manage the thoughts a lot of guys do about being relegated to friend (which I would accept if that’s how things went) – thoughts I feel guilt over having because I don’t want to be “that guy”.

It’s been so painful having these voices and feelings assaulting me and telling me I’m not good enough because of my lack of experience. I know they are just thoughts, but they weigh me down so much. I want to be proud of myself and what I’ve been able to do, especially against the backdrop of this country and planet becoming more hostile to just about everyone. I want to have confidence. I want to love myself. I want to manage this pain and forgive myself and let go and maybe grieve everything I feel I’ve lost because of how little I feel I have to show for all I’ve accomplished socially.

Doc, I just want someone to understand, and desire and love me and I want to give love to them. It felt so good seeing her smile and being able to do little things for her like finding gluten-free options she could eat. She told me it was the first time in years she was able to take a bite of everything on the table and be comfortable it wouldn’t trigger her allergies. We went to this place she wasn’t sure she’d like and she loved it so much she walked out of there with fifty dollars of merch. I just want to play a part in making someone smile and feel happy like that and to share in their joy. It felt so good to be able to do those things for her and see her light up. I want to be as fascinated in someone as I was (and still am) in her.

But it’s just so painful when I’m finally alone and all the thoughts come up and just eat away at my self-confidence. Waiting around to see her or talk to her again (or even for her to text me back) hurts, partly because I don’t know when (or if) we’re going to see each other next and our schedules are so different. I also have a lot of anxiety about having to be the main initiator for our conversations and I want to pull back and see if she’ll reach out to me. I’m scared about having to go back on the apps (especially after making such a good connection organically) and feeling like I’m constantly going to be judged on my lack of friends and my lack of experience for as old as I am (32), and not wanting kids (and having a vasectomy) thins the dating pool down a fair bit too.

There’s a lot going on right now inside my head and my body, Doc. How would you suggest I proceed in a way that can build my confidence for the future regardless of what happens?

Sincerely,

Eeyore in Real Life

DEAR EEYORE IN REAL LIFE: My guy, I get it. I absolutely understand the thrill of finding someone you really click with, the hope that comes with a really great first date and the worry that something is going to screw this up. I’ve been there, done that, so I get it. 

But dude, you are at a ten and you need to be at a two. You are getting over your skis to a wild degree and that’s going to be a problem if you don’t work on reining it in. This is the sort of behavior that can lead to your snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and neither of us want that for you. And trust me, I understand. I have – again – been there, done that and hoooo boy do I have the incredibly embarrassing texts and messages to go with it. So trust me on this: you need to slow your roll.

Here’s the thing: the issue at hand isn’t that being anxious is bad, nor is it that you’re overly excited after a good first date. The problem is two-fold. The first is that this flood of emotions – especially ones that stem from fear and anxiety – is the sort of thing that can start a cascading and amplifying effect, where you get in a sort of feedback loop. All of the comparisons, the What Ifs and the worst-case-scenarios you are thinking of all reinforce and amplify the others, which can then lead to bigger, more intense worries and fears. It’s like watching a snowball of anxiety roll down a hill, picking up material until it goes from being the size of an acorn to being bigger than a Buick.

Our brains are very bad at differentiating between what we imagine and what we actually experience, which is part of why anxiety can spiral out of control; we’re basically reacting to what we imagine as if it were actually happening. This is how folks can go from “oh, this was a great first date, but it’s going to be a while until the next, I hope things don’t peter out” to “OH GOD SHE HATES ME AND NOW EVERY WOMAN IN THE CITY IS GOING TO THINK I’M HORRIBLE I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME AND MY FACE AND MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY”.

The second issue is that while the excitement and hope is great, you’re edging awfully close to putting way too much importance and meaning on one person that you barely know and one date. Right now, this is contained in the privacy of your own head but this is the sort of thing that has a tendency to break containment if you let it run wild. See above, re: incredibly cringe emails and texts. I’ve had some truly epic bag drops in my time because I couldn’t keep my s--t together and ended up overwhelming my dates.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying you’re f--ked. What I’m saying is that you want to start interrupting these thought chains and breaking these patterns. And this is going to mean doing a little mind control – your mind, specifically.

The first thing you’re going to want to do is take a deep breath, hold it, then exhale slowly. Some folks like to do this on a 4-4-4 count, others recommend a 5-6-7 count – breathe in to the count of 4 or 5, hold your breath to the count of 4 or 6 and exhale to either a 4 or a 7. This forces your brain to slow down and your heart to settle; paying attention to your breath occupies your brain so you don’t have as much attention to give to your anxieties, while slowing your heart rate eases the panic. Do this several times in a row – I like to recommend doing it for a solid two minutes, because that gives more time for the emotional surge to pass, as it always does.

The next thing you’re going to want is to let go of the comparisons. These aren’t relevant, but more importantly, they aren’t accurate. You’re hardly an unbiased or objective observer, and you’re using them as a form of self-flagellation for perceived “flaws” that aren’t actually flaws. These are just ways to punch yourself in the junk for no reason other than to punish yourself for being you.

Instead, what you want is to start a process of self-compassion and acceptance – “This is who I am and that’s ok”. The number of friends you have isn’t a measure of your worth as a person; having fewer than someone else doesn’t make them better. Some folks are more social than others and that’s fine. Some people take longer to make friends; that’s fine too. Still others are in different places in life – transitory periods, times when circumstances make it harder to make friends, even just going through changes where you and your friendships have reached their natural conclusion – and that’s ok too. You are allowed to accept yourself for who you are without judgement or saying “I should be something else.”

The same goes for your living situation making it harder to host. That’s an inconvenience, not a deal breaker, and it’s not a judgement on your worth, desirability or value as a person. It’s just a data point about your circumstances, that’s all.

Literally none of these things are the disaster you’re worried about; this is just your judgement of yourself, your comparison to other people and your assumption that you will be weighed, measured and found wanting. But it’s not real. This is why we call comparison the thief of joy, because you’re letting this steal the happiness from you.

All of that is entirely down to how you feel about yourself, just being projected outward and reflected back at you. But it’s just funhouse mirrors, not reality, and all of it can be defeated with saying “…and that’s fine!” You can and should look at those things and say “this is part of who I am, and someone who’s right for me is going to understand and accept this”.

I can get that you would want to improve these things, and that’s perfectly fine too… but there’s a vast difference between “I would like to do things a bit differently/ change my status quo” and “I’m a horrible hideous loser that nobody could possibly love”. Shame and self-recrimination are horrible places to build from; it only saps your motivation and drive. You can’t shame yourself into improvement. You have to love yourself to do better, because you have to be willing to say “I’m great, and I can be better and I deserve to treat myself better.” That positive self-talk is a better motivator, it’s far more effective for helping you power through the hard times and it reminds you that you’re doing this because you’re worth it. 

When you’re telling yourself you’re a little freak and a maggot, any setback is just proof that you’re awful. When you are telling yourself that you’re capable of more and deserve more, every setback is a reminder that you can get back up, spit in your hands, grit your teeth and try again. And this time you’ll accomplish it.

You say that you want to forgive yourself for where you are now and how little you have to show for it, but that requires acceptance, understanding and compassion. This is why when you look at where you are now and how you got there, you don’t say “I should be doing so much more, what’s wrong with me?”. You say “I made the best choices I could under the circumstances. Now that I know better and I know more, I’ll make different and better choices.” You come to this from a place of not just compassion but hope and optimism, not from a place of “I need to atone for failing to thrive the way I think I should have.”

A lot of this is going to require deliberate effort on your part, where you pay attention to where your brain is going and deliberately change course. Part of why these feelings run wild is that you’re trying to suppress them or force them away, which never works. This is like trying to put your thumb over the nozzle of a firehose; even if you manage to hold things back, all it does is build up the pressure until it bursts out somewhere else. Much like physics in the material world, thoughts emotions have momentum and inertia, and it takes more effort to stop them than it does to redirect them. So, rather than trying to stop those thoughts, what you want to do is notice that you’re having them, label them – “ah, that’s my anxiety over my date” – and gently turn your attention elsewhere.

One place that I think is worth turning them is to all the good things that happened on your date – how your date was surprised and delighted that you cared enough to find a place where she didn’t have to worry about her allergies and restrictions and how you took her to a new place that was such a thrill for her. And, for that matter, how you met this person and built a connection that led to a great date – something that is confirmation that you are fully capable of making this happen. Even if nothing comes of this – and that’s by no means guaranteed – then all of this shows you just what you can do, how much are capable of and how incredible your potential truly is. This lets you know that the power has always been within you; you just had to learn how to connect with it and to harness it and use it at will.

You’re in a much better position than you realize, and you’re capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for that it’s a crying shame that you don’t see it. It’s honestly a tragedy that you look at yourself with contempt instead of with wonder at what you could do if you accepted yourself and loved yourself instead of punishing yourself for things that don’t deserve punishment. You presume judgement where there isn’t any, and where it’s not a measure of your worth but merely a measure of compatibility. Does not wanting kids – and taking steps to ensure you won’t – affect your dating pool? Sure… by filtering out people who aren’t right for you. You don’t want to waste your time on people who are fundamentally incompatible with you, you want those people to move along to someone else. That’s not a flaw; that’s you doing yourself and them a favor.

Right now, you’re worried about a future that doesn’t exist – one that only exists in your head, because your anxieties are saying so. You can change that story that you’re telling yourself, and it will be exactly as real and as valid as the nightmare you fear. The fact that one is happy and optimistic doesn’t make it any less real, less likely or less possible simply because it’s what you’d like to see.

The last thing I will leave you with is to simply let yourself trust. You’ve spent time with this lovely young lady; do you honestly think she’s the sort of judgy person who is going to dog on you for such inconsequential things? Would you even go out with her in the first place if she were? Scheduling and logistical snafus happen all the time; they just are obstacles and impositions. If she likes you – and it certainly seems like she did – then she’s going to make an effort to see you, just like you’ve been making one to see her and have a good time with her.

And as I said: even if – and that’s if, not “when” – things don’t work out? What you’ve learned here is that you are capable of more than you know. Having done this once means you can do it again, but better because now you’re a little wiser and a little more experienced and can learn from what you’ve done before. And if you pair that with acceptance and love and forgiveness for yourself? Oh baby, that is going to be some power you’re unleashing. But as the man said: with great power comes great responsibility, and that responsibility is as much to taking care of yourself and treating yourself like you would want to treat your best friend.

So slow your roll a bit and calm yourself. Focus on your breathing to help get your anxiety under control and practice turning your attention away from those unhelpful thoughts and towards ones that are helpful. Recognize and accept yourself and treat yourself the way you actually deserve, not the way your anxiety says you should. That’ll get you a hell of a lot further than beating yourself up… and you’ll be happier, too.

You’ve got this, EIRL.

All will be well.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com