DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m trying to figure out if I’m overreacting or if this is a reasonable response. 

I (M/27) recently stated seeing “Amanda” (F/25), after we met on Hinge. We’ve had a few dates so far and our chemistry and connection have been undeniable, so much so that I realized that I wasn’t really talking to other matches. When I mentioned this to her, Amanda said that she felt the same way and was likewise not interested in continuing to be on the apps. While we’re not fully exclusive yet, I think we’re definitely at the “talking about exclusivity” stage and trying to figure out what it means for us.

At least, I was. Now I’m not so sure. As I was going through and suspending or closing my dating app accounts, I did a last flip through on Feeld, an app I hadn’t had much call to try. That’s when I saw Amanda had a profile on there as well, where she mentioned, amongst other things, that she made content for OnlyFans. 

This caught me completely by surprise. She’d never told me that she had an OF account and I feel like that’s the sort of thing I’d have the right to know. I confronted her about it and she told me that she’s had it for a couple of years now, it’s been a big part of her income and she only does solo content (vibrators, costumes and such) and isn’t planning or interested in doing two-person content. She told me she was going to tell me before we became fully exclusive, but she’s neither ashamed of it nor does she plan to stop.

I don’t know what to do here. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t want to have to deal with other guys, maybe even including people I know, watching my girlfriend shove things into her babymaker. Am I overreacting to this? Am I being an asshole here, or do I have the right to end things over this? 

Sudden Unpleasant Surprise

DEAR SUDDEN UNPLEASANT SURPRISE: Quick question, SUS: have you taken a moment to sit down and really think about what’s bothering you about this? That initial knee-jerk response tends to be the reaction you were taught to have, not necessarily how you actually feel about it. So, I think it’d be a wise decision to give yourself a little time to actually breathe through that initial feeling and dig into how you actually feel and why.

Now, to answer part of your question: you absolutely can break up with her over this. You can break up with her over literally anything – what side she parts her hair on, how she snorts when she laughs, her favorite brand of deodorant, anything. Relationships are double opt-in; if one person decides to end it, that’s their right. Your reasons are your reasons; they may not be good reasons, but they’re yours and that’s all that matters. Other people can have opinions about it, but they don’t get a vote, nor do they get to veto your choice if you decide to leave.

But – speaking of opinions – it’s my opinion that you need to stop and think things through first. Let’s start with something obvious: I am willing to bet cash money that you, yourself watch porn; 99.999% of people do. Unless you’re exclusively into hentai or you are dealing with some weird fetish where you only spank it to AI videos, then real people are making the porn you’re watching. Porn that you find arousing and are perfectly content to get off to. If you’re going to seek out women who are putting on a sexual performance for you and then run them down for providing you with the performances you’re looking for, then I think the bigger issue is with you, not with them.��It’s a little like the toxic trope of how men’s value is increased by the amount of sex they have while believing that women’s value is decreased by the amount of sex they have; all you’re really doing is saying that sex with men is inherently degrading. Seeking out someone who’s doing the thing you want and telling them they’re awful for doing it makes you the s--tty person here.

This is one of the reasons why I think you need to think about what’s actually bothering you here. You mention your friends might (or possibly even have already) seen her content; what about that, precisely is the problem. Are you worried about how that’s going to reflect on you? Do you think it makes you less special because other people have seen her naked too? What if, say, she were a professional art model who posed for figure drawing classes? Would you find that so objectionable that you’d throw the entire relationship out? What if she posed for an artist who featured his paintings of her in a gallery show? Is that reason to freak out? ��Does the fact that other people see her content – whether videos or pics or what-have-you – makes her relationship with you less “real” or “special”? Why would the fact that she makes adult content take anything away from what you have together – whether she’s making videos by herself or with another person? Is the fact that other people see her in a sexual context the issue – folks “getting” to see something you think is inherently “yours”? As I said: you almost certainly watch porn; do you have the same reaction if your friends also watch your favorite porn star? Does that take away from you? And if not, why not? You aren’t exclusive yet, any more than you have exclusive rights to the porn stars you watch…

Presumably she’s had previous relationships; does that make her less of a viable partner? Would you be less freaked out if she were still putting on those performances, but for an audience of one? You, likewise, have presumably had a sex life before you met Amanda; are you saying that your sexual history would be reason for her to freak out? Or does that only matter when it’s you?��Do you feel like the fact that she makes money – good money too according to Amanda, which is no small thing on Only Fans – is going to make you look bad?

Obviously, I have my thoughts on the matter and I’m not exactly being subtle about where I come down on this. But it’s like I said at the top: at the end of the day, my opinion doesn’t matter. Yours is the only one that does… but it works best if it’s your informed opinion and not just your reacting based on that immediate reaction. Especially since I seriously doubt you ever actually stopped and thought about it for longer than a few seconds.

So take that time to really dig into those feelings of yours. How much does this really bother you and how much of this is about you, not about her? Ask yourself: does this make sense, or is it just a bunch of double-standards and a Madonna/Whore situation? Does her having an Only Fans actually change the connection you have with her, the intimacies you’ve shared, the mutual interests and the time you’ve spent together? Is this about you, about your values, about jealousy or about insecurities? Is this about what other people may think – of her, or of you for not judging or rejecting her for this?

If, after you’ve really thought about it, really examined it, you find that this is something that you can’t get past… well, fair do’s. You’re allowed to set your deal breakers and boundaries wherever you want, and if this is a deal breaker for you, then that’s all that matters.

But it seems pretty stupid to me to throw away a relationship that was full of undeniable chemistry and connection when you didn’t know about something that wasn’t affecting you; not without really thinking things through.

Your call, SUS.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have always had difficulty approaching women romantically and I haven’t had a girl in my life in many, many years. I finally met someone through my brother. We hit it off at his wedding and we went out for the first time a few days ago. It was such an amazing experience and I felt like we clicked on so many things. I wasn’t anxious or nervous around her and I didn’t expect us to hang out together for as long as we did. We planned another outing immediately after we both got home. The wrinkle is that she’s going through a schedule change so she’s waiting to find out what her days off will be before she commits to any date in particular.

Being the person that I am, having this experience brought up a flood of emotions, enough to make me cry at some point. I was so happy for the first day after, but that happiness was soon replaced with a flood of shame, anxiety, inadequacy, grief, sadness, and self-loathing. I started to get in my head and think about how she has so many friends (many, if not most of which are men), she goes out and does stuff with people (I do things alone much more than I’d prefer, because life is short and I can’t afford to wait around for someone else to do them with), and how she is able to manage her s--t, even with all that she’s been through. I think she is such a badass, regardless of how she tells me she sees herself.

I feel like I don’t measure up because of how few friends I have, how little I get to go out with other people, and how my living situation is not ideal for having someone over. I almost hate that I met her because of how much I liked her and how much I felt we had in common. And I also have to manage the thoughts a lot of guys do about being relegated to friend (which I would accept if that’s how things went) – thoughts I feel guilt over having because I don’t want to be “that guy”.

It’s been so painful having these voices and feelings assaulting me and telling me I’m not good enough because of my lack of experience. I know they are just thoughts, but they weigh me down so much. I want to be proud of myself and what I’ve been able to do, especially against the backdrop of this country and planet becoming more hostile to just about everyone. I want to have confidence. I want to love myself. I want to manage this pain and forgive myself and let go and maybe grieve everything I feel I’ve lost because of how little I feel I have to show for all I’ve accomplished socially.

Doc, I just want someone to understand, and desire and love me and I want to give love to them. It felt so good seeing her smile and being able to do little things for her like finding gluten-free options she could eat. She told me it was the first time in years she was able to take a bite of everything on the table and be comfortable it wouldn’t trigger her allergies. We went to this place she wasn’t sure she’d like and she loved it so much she walked out of there with fifty dollars of merch. I just want to play a part in making someone smile and feel happy like that and to share in their joy. It felt so good to be able to do those things for her and see her light up. I want to be as fascinated in someone as I was (and still am) in her.

But it’s just so painful when I’m finally alone and all the thoughts come up and just eat away at my self-confidence. Waiting around to see her or talk to her again (or even for her to text me back) hurts, partly because I don’t know when (or if) we’re going to see each other next and our schedules are so different. I also have a lot of anxiety about having to be the main initiator for our conversations and I want to pull back and see if she’ll reach out to me. I’m scared about having to go back on the apps (especially after making such a good connection organically) and feeling like I’m constantly going to be judged on my lack of friends and my lack of experience for as old as I am (32), and not wanting kids (and having a vasectomy) thins the dating pool down a fair bit too.

There’s a lot going on right now inside my head and my body, Doc. How would you suggest I proceed in a way that can build my confidence for the future regardless of what happens?

Sincerely,

Eeyore in Real Life

DEAR EEYORE IN REAL LIFE: My guy, I get it. I absolutely understand the thrill of finding someone you really click with, the hope that comes with a really great first date and the worry that something is going to screw this up. I’ve been there, done that, so I get it. 

But dude, you are at a ten and you need to be at a two. You are getting over your skis to a wild degree and that’s going to be a problem if you don’t work on reining it in. This is the sort of behavior that can lead to your snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and neither of us want that for you. And trust me, I understand. I have – again – been there, done that and hoooo boy do I have the incredibly embarrassing texts and messages to go with it. So trust me on this: you need to slow your roll.

Here’s the thing: the issue at hand isn’t that being anxious is bad, nor is it that you’re overly excited after a good first date. The problem is two-fold. The first is that this flood of emotions – especially ones that stem from fear and anxiety – is the sort of thing that can start a cascading and amplifying effect, where you get in a sort of feedback loop. All of the comparisons, the What Ifs and the worst-case-scenarios you are thinking of all reinforce and amplify the others, which can then lead to bigger, more intense worries and fears. It’s like watching a snowball of anxiety roll down a hill, picking up material until it goes from being the size of an acorn to being bigger than a Buick.

Our brains are very bad at differentiating between what we imagine and what we actually experience, which is part of why anxiety can spiral out of control; we’re basically reacting to what we imagine as if it were actually happening. This is how folks can go from “oh, this was a great first date, but it’s going to be a while until the next, I hope things don’t peter out” to “OH GOD SHE HATES ME AND NOW EVERY WOMAN IN THE CITY IS GOING TO THINK I’M HORRIBLE I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME AND MY FACE AND MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY”.

The second issue is that while the excitement and hope is great, you’re edging awfully close to putting way too much importance and meaning on one person that you barely know and one date. Right now, this is contained in the privacy of your own head but this is the sort of thing that has a tendency to break containment if you let it run wild. See above, re: incredibly cringe emails and texts. I’ve had some truly epic bag drops in my time because I couldn’t keep my s--t together and ended up overwhelming my dates.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying you’re f--ked. What I’m saying is that you want to start interrupting these thought chains and breaking these patterns. And this is going to mean doing a little mind control – your mind, specifically.

The first thing you’re going to want to do is take a deep breath, hold it, then exhale slowly. Some folks like to do this on a 4-4-4 count, others recommend a 5-6-7 count – breathe in to the count of 4 or 5, hold your breath to the count of 4 or 6 and exhale to either a 4 or a 7. This forces your brain to slow down and your heart to settle; paying attention to your breath occupies your brain so you don’t have as much attention to give to your anxieties, while slowing your heart rate eases the panic. Do this several times in a row – I like to recommend doing it for a solid two minutes, because that gives more time for the emotional surge to pass, as it always does.

The next thing you’re going to want is to let go of the comparisons. These aren’t relevant, but more importantly, they aren’t accurate. You’re hardly an unbiased or objective observer, and you’re using them as a form of self-flagellation for perceived “flaws” that aren’t actually flaws. These are just ways to punch yourself in the junk for no reason other than to punish yourself for being you.

Instead, what you want is to start a process of self-compassion and acceptance – “This is who I am and that’s ok”. The number of friends you have isn’t a measure of your worth as a person; having fewer than someone else doesn’t make them better. Some folks are more social than others and that’s fine. Some people take longer to make friends; that’s fine too. Still others are in different places in life – transitory periods, times when circumstances make it harder to make friends, even just going through changes where you and your friendships have reached their natural conclusion – and that’s ok too. You are allowed to accept yourself for who you are without judgement or saying “I should be something else.”

The same goes for your living situation making it harder to host. That’s an inconvenience, not a deal breaker, and it’s not a judgement on your worth, desirability or value as a person. It’s just a data point about your circumstances, that’s all.

Literally none of these things are the disaster you’re worried about; this is just your judgement of yourself, your comparison to other people and your assumption that you will be weighed, measured and found wanting. But it’s not real. This is why we call comparison the thief of joy, because you’re letting this steal the happiness from you.

All of that is entirely down to how you feel about yourself, just being projected outward and reflected back at you. But it’s just funhouse mirrors, not reality, and all of it can be defeated with saying “…and that’s fine!” You can and should look at those things and say “this is part of who I am, and someone who’s right for me is going to understand and accept this”.

I can get that you would want to improve these things, and that’s perfectly fine too… but there’s a vast difference between “I would like to do things a bit differently/ change my status quo” and “I’m a horrible hideous loser that nobody could possibly love”. Shame and self-recrimination are horrible places to build from; it only saps your motivation and drive. You can’t shame yourself into improvement. You have to love yourself to do better, because you have to be willing to say “I’m great, and I can be better and I deserve to treat myself better.” That positive self-talk is a better motivator, it’s far more effective for helping you power through the hard times and it reminds you that you’re doing this because you’re worth it. 

When you’re telling yourself you’re a little freak and a maggot, any setback is just proof that you’re awful. When you are telling yourself that you’re capable of more and deserve more, every setback is a reminder that you can get back up, spit in your hands, grit your teeth and try again. And this time you’ll accomplish it.

You say that you want to forgive yourself for where you are now and how little you have to show for it, but that requires acceptance, understanding and compassion. This is why when you look at where you are now and how you got there, you don’t say “I should be doing so much more, what’s wrong with me?”. You say “I made the best choices I could under the circumstances. Now that I know better and I know more, I’ll make different and better choices.” You come to this from a place of not just compassion but hope and optimism, not from a place of “I need to atone for failing to thrive the way I think I should have.”

A lot of this is going to require deliberate effort on your part, where you pay attention to where your brain is going and deliberately change course. Part of why these feelings run wild is that you’re trying to suppress them or force them away, which never works. This is like trying to put your thumb over the nozzle of a firehose; even if you manage to hold things back, all it does is build up the pressure until it bursts out somewhere else. Much like physics in the material world, thoughts emotions have momentum and inertia, and it takes more effort to stop them than it does to redirect them. So, rather than trying to stop those thoughts, what you want to do is notice that you’re having them, label them – “ah, that’s my anxiety over my date” – and gently turn your attention elsewhere.

One place that I think is worth turning them is to all the good things that happened on your date – how your date was surprised and delighted that you cared enough to find a place where she didn’t have to worry about her allergies and restrictions and how you took her to a new place that was such a thrill for her. And, for that matter, how you met this person and built a connection that led to a great date – something that is confirmation that you are fully capable of making this happen. Even if nothing comes of this – and that’s by no means guaranteed – then all of this shows you just what you can do, how much are capable of and how incredible your potential truly is. This lets you know that the power has always been within you; you just had to learn how to connect with it and to harness it and use it at will.

You’re in a much better position than you realize, and you’re capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for that it’s a crying shame that you don’t see it. It’s honestly a tragedy that you look at yourself with contempt instead of with wonder at what you could do if you accepted yourself and loved yourself instead of punishing yourself for things that don’t deserve punishment. You presume judgement where there isn’t any, and where it’s not a measure of your worth but merely a measure of compatibility. Does not wanting kids – and taking steps to ensure you won’t – affect your dating pool? Sure… by filtering out people who aren’t right for you. You don’t want to waste your time on people who are fundamentally incompatible with you, you want those people to move along to someone else. That’s not a flaw; that’s you doing yourself and them a favor.

Right now, you’re worried about a future that doesn’t exist – one that only exists in your head, because your anxieties are saying so. You can change that story that you’re telling yourself, and it will be exactly as real and as valid as the nightmare you fear. The fact that one is happy and optimistic doesn’t make it any less real, less likely or less possible simply because it’s what you’d like to see.

The last thing I will leave you with is to simply let yourself trust. You’ve spent time with this lovely young lady; do you honestly think she’s the sort of judgy person who is going to dog on you for such inconsequential things? Would you even go out with her in the first place if she were? Scheduling and logistical snafus happen all the time; they just are obstacles and impositions. If she likes you – and it certainly seems like she did – then she’s going to make an effort to see you, just like you’ve been making one to see her and have a good time with her.

And as I said: even if – and that’s if, not “when” – things don’t work out? What you’ve learned here is that you are capable of more than you know. Having done this once means you can do it again, but better because now you’re a little wiser and a little more experienced and can learn from what you’ve done before. And if you pair that with acceptance and love and forgiveness for yourself? Oh baby, that is going to be some power you’re unleashing. But as the man said: with great power comes great responsibility, and that responsibility is as much to taking care of yourself and treating yourself like you would want to treat your best friend.

So slow your roll a bit and calm yourself. Focus on your breathing to help get your anxiety under control and practice turning your attention away from those unhelpful thoughts and towards ones that are helpful. Recognize and accept yourself and treat yourself the way you actually deserve, not the way your anxiety says you should. That’ll get you a hell of a lot further than beating yourself up… and you’ll be happier, too.

You’ve got this, EIRL.

All will be well.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Over the last year, my spouse and I transitioned our relationship from a vaguely ethnically non-monogamous marriage to a fully open polyamorous relationship. This has been *wildly* successful, I’m happy to report. We are still happily married and nesting, and we each have one additional partner who we are absolutely head-over-heels for.

So, what’s the problem? Well, I’m falling head first into a *big*, capital ‘S’ Slut era. All of my partners are fully on board and supportive of this, and we’ve already established boundaries and safety agreements, including protection and testing. I am very excited to explore this new side of me, and having such genuine compersion from my partners is a gift.

However, after now having been on a few dates (under the banner of “casual dating” and “short-term relationships”), I’m starting to realize that I’m much more of a demisexual than I gave myself credit for, and it kinda bums me out. It sucks to admit out loud, but I wish I didn’t need to care about your (extremely cute) cat or about your hyperfocus on typewriters and how I think it’s actually super cool when people have niche interests. I wish I cared *less* and could just have sex with people. On the other side of the coin, I find myself losing interest quickly when my date is into something I firmly disagree with – as an example, I’ve cut short a date because this girl would *not* stop talking about AI models. I wish I could just move past it, not care, do the thing we’re both here to do and are interested in, and walk away happy.

So, Doctor NerdLove, how can I be a scarlet-letter slut and get over my own need to know someone? Is this even a thing at all?

Cheers,

Not Just A Person, I’m Also A Piece of Meat

DEAR NOT JUST A PERSON, I’M ALSO A PIECE OF MEAT: Just so I’m understanding you properly, you’re wanting to know how you can have sex with people you don’t actually care about?

Well, I’ve got a question for you in return: why?

Let’s leave the way your sexual attraction works out of the equation for a moment; we’ll get back to it, don’t worry. Instead, let’s just focus on your desire to have more no-strings sexual encounters, rather than adding more people to your polycule.

So, seriously: why is it important that you rack up some numbers? What is it that you’re hoping to get out of banging more people? Don’t get me wrong: I’m all in favor of people having as much – or as little – sex as they would prefer. But I think it’s a good idea to at least have an idea of why you might want to be having more casual hook ups and what you’re getting out of it by doing so. It doesn’t do much good if the issue isn’t really about sex, especially if sex isn’t going to be an effective way to meet that need.

Is it about validation? Do you feel like you’ve missed out somehow and you’re trying to make up for lost time? Is it that you have a powerful need for sexual variety and two committed partners isn’t going to be enough? Are there types of sex that you want or need that neither of your partners are able or willing to provide and so you’re seeking it elsewhere with permission and encouragement?

I ask, in part, because if this desire is coming into conflict with your arousal patterns and your sexuality, that suggests to me that maybe that this is less about your sexuality and more about what sex represents to you.

But maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just that you’ve got a high libido and an appreciation for novelty and it doesn’t go any further than that. That’s completely legit. But that does make things a bit tricky when it comes to actually finding what you want. Especially if there’s a conflict between wanting to get laid in general and what you need to be into banging a specific person.

Which is part of why I wonder why you feel like having to like the people you’re sleeping with is the problem.

Now on a practical level, I can understand why you might want to be having more casual hook ups; as many poly people have joked, the most important member of the polycule is the shared Google calendar. Trying to balance two (or more) committed, emotionally intimate relationships in such a way that nobody feels short-changed and that their needs are being met is a lot of work. Maintaining multiple, concurrent romantic relationships isn’t addition and subtraction, it’s exponential. If your main goal is just to get some strange, then yeah, having hook-ups that are preludes to a more committed relationship just makes things more complicated and increases the odds that someone feels like they’re getting screwed over… and not in the happy fun way.

However, that seems to come in conflict with the way your sexuality functions. If you are more demisexual than you realized, then you may have to just accept that this is how things work for you. It’s theoretically possible that you might be able to power through things with folks you don’t necessarily like or have a strong connection with, but that may well be like trying to swim upstream against a strong current. You can certainly try, and you may even get somewhere… but at the same time, you’re going to have to expend a lot more effort to get half as far, and the reward you get at the end may well not be commensurate with the effort you’re putting in.��If you were capable of a stronger erotic or sexual connection with someone you don’t know or like that much, then it seems like you shouldn’t have an issue with a hit-it-and-quit-it hook-up with the AI model lady. You know that her interests are a dealbreaker for anything more than twenty minutes of creaking bedsprings and squishy noises… except for the part where apparently your dick just doesn’t agree. Which, I think, is the tell.

That having been said, it’s possible that you’re focusing too much on the “f--king randos” side of your prospective sluttiness instead of the “how much you’re f--king” instead. This is part of why I asked what your motivation is; if it’s about wanting to prove something by having a slam down with random people, that’s one thing. But perhaps it would be more feasible to have a series of friends who you occasionally bang out with. If you don’t need to be on the verge of falling in love with someone to get attracted to them, it may be less of a struggle to find people that you like to hang out with and sometimes ya’ll go back to someone’s place and stress-test the structural integrity of the mattress. 

There’s also something to be said about a series of short-term relationships. Sluttiness is still sluttiness if people coming (er, as it were) sequentially, instead of a couple this week, a couple more next week and so on. Yes, I suppose one could argue this is just serial monogamy with extra steps, but would “a month with this person, then three weeks with that one and maybe a month and a half with this person over here” really contradict your overall goals or needs?

If you’re more focused on the “randos” side of things, I think you may be out of luck. But if you’re willing to be a little more flexible and work with your sexuality, I think you’ll have better and more satisfying results.

And just on a personal note: over the years, I made it a personal rule not to sleep with people I couldn’t be friends with. I’ve been with people who were brain-meltingly hot, but who I just didn’t vibe with on a personal level, and to be blunt: the sex was never worth it. On the other hand, even if it was a one-night-only engagement, sleeping with people I actually enjoyed talking to and could be friends with even if sex wasn’t on the table has always meant things were far better for everyone.

You may want to consider a similar rule if you want to actually enjoy your slut era, instead of just going through it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com