DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have always had difficulty approaching women romantically and I haven’t had a girl in my life in many, many years. I finally met someone through my brother. We hit it off at his wedding and we went out for the first time a few days ago. It was such an amazing experience and I felt like we clicked on so many things. I wasn’t anxious or nervous around her and I didn’t expect us to hang out together for as long as we did. We planned another outing immediately after we both got home. The wrinkle is that she’s going through a schedule change so she’s waiting to find out what her days off will be before she commits to any date in particular.

Being the person that I am, having this experience brought up a flood of emotions, enough to make me cry at some point. I was so happy for the first day after, but that happiness was soon replaced with a flood of shame, anxiety, inadequacy, grief, sadness, and self-loathing. I started to get in my head and think about how she has so many friends (many, if not most of which are men), she goes out and does stuff with people (I do things alone much more than I’d prefer, because life is short and I can’t afford to wait around for someone else to do them with), and how she is able to manage her s--t, even with all that she’s been through. I think she is such a badass, regardless of how she tells me she sees herself.

I feel like I don’t measure up because of how few friends I have, how little I get to go out with other people, and how my living situation is not ideal for having someone over. I almost hate that I met her because of how much I liked her and how much I felt we had in common. And I also have to manage the thoughts a lot of guys do about being relegated to friend (which I would accept if that’s how things went) – thoughts I feel guilt over having because I don’t want to be “that guy”.

It’s been so painful having these voices and feelings assaulting me and telling me I’m not good enough because of my lack of experience. I know they are just thoughts, but they weigh me down so much. I want to be proud of myself and what I’ve been able to do, especially against the backdrop of this country and planet becoming more hostile to just about everyone. I want to have confidence. I want to love myself. I want to manage this pain and forgive myself and let go and maybe grieve everything I feel I’ve lost because of how little I feel I have to show for all I’ve accomplished socially.

Doc, I just want someone to understand, and desire and love me and I want to give love to them. It felt so good seeing her smile and being able to do little things for her like finding gluten-free options she could eat. She told me it was the first time in years she was able to take a bite of everything on the table and be comfortable it wouldn’t trigger her allergies. We went to this place she wasn’t sure she’d like and she loved it so much she walked out of there with fifty dollars of merch. I just want to play a part in making someone smile and feel happy like that and to share in their joy. It felt so good to be able to do those things for her and see her light up. I want to be as fascinated in someone as I was (and still am) in her.

But it’s just so painful when I’m finally alone and all the thoughts come up and just eat away at my self-confidence. Waiting around to see her or talk to her again (or even for her to text me back) hurts, partly because I don’t know when (or if) we’re going to see each other next and our schedules are so different. I also have a lot of anxiety about having to be the main initiator for our conversations and I want to pull back and see if she’ll reach out to me. I’m scared about having to go back on the apps (especially after making such a good connection organically) and feeling like I’m constantly going to be judged on my lack of friends and my lack of experience for as old as I am (32), and not wanting kids (and having a vasectomy) thins the dating pool down a fair bit too.

There’s a lot going on right now inside my head and my body, Doc. How would you suggest I proceed in a way that can build my confidence for the future regardless of what happens?

Sincerely,

Eeyore in Real Life

DEAR EEYORE IN REAL LIFE: My guy, I get it. I absolutely understand the thrill of finding someone you really click with, the hope that comes with a really great first date and the worry that something is going to screw this up. I’ve been there, done that, so I get it. 

But dude, you are at a ten and you need to be at a two. You are getting over your skis to a wild degree and that’s going to be a problem if you don’t work on reining it in. This is the sort of behavior that can lead to your snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, and neither of us want that for you. And trust me, I understand. I have – again – been there, done that and hoooo boy do I have the incredibly embarrassing texts and messages to go with it. So trust me on this: you need to slow your roll.

Here’s the thing: the issue at hand isn’t that being anxious is bad, nor is it that you’re overly excited after a good first date. The problem is two-fold. The first is that this flood of emotions – especially ones that stem from fear and anxiety – is the sort of thing that can start a cascading and amplifying effect, where you get in a sort of feedback loop. All of the comparisons, the What Ifs and the worst-case-scenarios you are thinking of all reinforce and amplify the others, which can then lead to bigger, more intense worries and fears. It’s like watching a snowball of anxiety roll down a hill, picking up material until it goes from being the size of an acorn to being bigger than a Buick.

Our brains are very bad at differentiating between what we imagine and what we actually experience, which is part of why anxiety can spiral out of control; we’re basically reacting to what we imagine as if it were actually happening. This is how folks can go from “oh, this was a great first date, but it’s going to be a while until the next, I hope things don’t peter out” to “OH GOD SHE HATES ME AND NOW EVERY WOMAN IN THE CITY IS GOING TO THINK I’M HORRIBLE I HAVE TO CHANGE MY NAME AND MY FACE AND MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY”.

The second issue is that while the excitement and hope is great, you’re edging awfully close to putting way too much importance and meaning on one person that you barely know and one date. Right now, this is contained in the privacy of your own head but this is the sort of thing that has a tendency to break containment if you let it run wild. See above, re: incredibly cringe emails and texts. I’ve had some truly epic bag drops in my time because I couldn’t keep my s--t together and ended up overwhelming my dates.

Now don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying you’re f--ked. What I’m saying is that you want to start interrupting these thought chains and breaking these patterns. And this is going to mean doing a little mind control – your mind, specifically.

The first thing you’re going to want to do is take a deep breath, hold it, then exhale slowly. Some folks like to do this on a 4-4-4 count, others recommend a 5-6-7 count – breathe in to the count of 4 or 5, hold your breath to the count of 4 or 6 and exhale to either a 4 or a 7. This forces your brain to slow down and your heart to settle; paying attention to your breath occupies your brain so you don’t have as much attention to give to your anxieties, while slowing your heart rate eases the panic. Do this several times in a row – I like to recommend doing it for a solid two minutes, because that gives more time for the emotional surge to pass, as it always does.

The next thing you’re going to want is to let go of the comparisons. These aren’t relevant, but more importantly, they aren’t accurate. You’re hardly an unbiased or objective observer, and you’re using them as a form of self-flagellation for perceived “flaws” that aren’t actually flaws. These are just ways to punch yourself in the junk for no reason other than to punish yourself for being you.

Instead, what you want is to start a process of self-compassion and acceptance – “This is who I am and that’s ok”. The number of friends you have isn’t a measure of your worth as a person; having fewer than someone else doesn’t make them better. Some folks are more social than others and that’s fine. Some people take longer to make friends; that’s fine too. Still others are in different places in life – transitory periods, times when circumstances make it harder to make friends, even just going through changes where you and your friendships have reached their natural conclusion – and that’s ok too. You are allowed to accept yourself for who you are without judgement or saying “I should be something else.”

The same goes for your living situation making it harder to host. That’s an inconvenience, not a deal breaker, and it’s not a judgement on your worth, desirability or value as a person. It’s just a data point about your circumstances, that’s all.

Literally none of these things are the disaster you’re worried about; this is just your judgement of yourself, your comparison to other people and your assumption that you will be weighed, measured and found wanting. But it’s not real. This is why we call comparison the thief of joy, because you’re letting this steal the happiness from you.

All of that is entirely down to how you feel about yourself, just being projected outward and reflected back at you. But it’s just funhouse mirrors, not reality, and all of it can be defeated with saying “…and that’s fine!” You can and should look at those things and say “this is part of who I am, and someone who’s right for me is going to understand and accept this”.

I can get that you would want to improve these things, and that’s perfectly fine too… but there’s a vast difference between “I would like to do things a bit differently/ change my status quo” and “I’m a horrible hideous loser that nobody could possibly love”. Shame and self-recrimination are horrible places to build from; it only saps your motivation and drive. You can’t shame yourself into improvement. You have to love yourself to do better, because you have to be willing to say “I’m great, and I can be better and I deserve to treat myself better.” That positive self-talk is a better motivator, it’s far more effective for helping you power through the hard times and it reminds you that you’re doing this because you’re worth it. 

When you’re telling yourself you’re a little freak and a maggot, any setback is just proof that you’re awful. When you are telling yourself that you’re capable of more and deserve more, every setback is a reminder that you can get back up, spit in your hands, grit your teeth and try again. And this time you’ll accomplish it.

You say that you want to forgive yourself for where you are now and how little you have to show for it, but that requires acceptance, understanding and compassion. This is why when you look at where you are now and how you got there, you don’t say “I should be doing so much more, what’s wrong with me?”. You say “I made the best choices I could under the circumstances. Now that I know better and I know more, I’ll make different and better choices.” You come to this from a place of not just compassion but hope and optimism, not from a place of “I need to atone for failing to thrive the way I think I should have.”

A lot of this is going to require deliberate effort on your part, where you pay attention to where your brain is going and deliberately change course. Part of why these feelings run wild is that you’re trying to suppress them or force them away, which never works. This is like trying to put your thumb over the nozzle of a firehose; even if you manage to hold things back, all it does is build up the pressure until it bursts out somewhere else. Much like physics in the material world, thoughts emotions have momentum and inertia, and it takes more effort to stop them than it does to redirect them. So, rather than trying to stop those thoughts, what you want to do is notice that you’re having them, label them – “ah, that’s my anxiety over my date” – and gently turn your attention elsewhere.

One place that I think is worth turning them is to all the good things that happened on your date – how your date was surprised and delighted that you cared enough to find a place where she didn’t have to worry about her allergies and restrictions and how you took her to a new place that was such a thrill for her. And, for that matter, how you met this person and built a connection that led to a great date – something that is confirmation that you are fully capable of making this happen. Even if nothing comes of this – and that’s by no means guaranteed – then all of this shows you just what you can do, how much are capable of and how incredible your potential truly is. This lets you know that the power has always been within you; you just had to learn how to connect with it and to harness it and use it at will.

You’re in a much better position than you realize, and you’re capable of so much more than you give yourself credit for that it’s a crying shame that you don’t see it. It’s honestly a tragedy that you look at yourself with contempt instead of with wonder at what you could do if you accepted yourself and loved yourself instead of punishing yourself for things that don’t deserve punishment. You presume judgement where there isn’t any, and where it’s not a measure of your worth but merely a measure of compatibility. Does not wanting kids – and taking steps to ensure you won’t – affect your dating pool? Sure… by filtering out people who aren’t right for you. You don’t want to waste your time on people who are fundamentally incompatible with you, you want those people to move along to someone else. That’s not a flaw; that’s you doing yourself and them a favor.

Right now, you’re worried about a future that doesn’t exist – one that only exists in your head, because your anxieties are saying so. You can change that story that you’re telling yourself, and it will be exactly as real and as valid as the nightmare you fear. The fact that one is happy and optimistic doesn’t make it any less real, less likely or less possible simply because it’s what you’d like to see.

The last thing I will leave you with is to simply let yourself trust. You’ve spent time with this lovely young lady; do you honestly think she’s the sort of judgy person who is going to dog on you for such inconsequential things? Would you even go out with her in the first place if she were? Scheduling and logistical snafus happen all the time; they just are obstacles and impositions. If she likes you – and it certainly seems like she did – then she’s going to make an effort to see you, just like you’ve been making one to see her and have a good time with her.

And as I said: even if – and that’s if, not “when” – things don’t work out? What you’ve learned here is that you are capable of more than you know. Having done this once means you can do it again, but better because now you’re a little wiser and a little more experienced and can learn from what you’ve done before. And if you pair that with acceptance and love and forgiveness for yourself? Oh baby, that is going to be some power you’re unleashing. But as the man said: with great power comes great responsibility, and that responsibility is as much to taking care of yourself and treating yourself like you would want to treat your best friend.

So slow your roll a bit and calm yourself. Focus on your breathing to help get your anxiety under control and practice turning your attention away from those unhelpful thoughts and towards ones that are helpful. Recognize and accept yourself and treat yourself the way you actually deserve, not the way your anxiety says you should. That’ll get you a hell of a lot further than beating yourself up… and you’ll be happier, too.

You’ve got this, EIRL.

All will be well.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Over the last year, my spouse and I transitioned our relationship from a vaguely ethnically non-monogamous marriage to a fully open polyamorous relationship. This has been *wildly* successful, I’m happy to report. We are still happily married and nesting, and we each have one additional partner who we are absolutely head-over-heels for.

So, what’s the problem? Well, I’m falling head first into a *big*, capital ‘S’ Slut era. All of my partners are fully on board and supportive of this, and we’ve already established boundaries and safety agreements, including protection and testing. I am very excited to explore this new side of me, and having such genuine compersion from my partners is a gift.

However, after now having been on a few dates (under the banner of “casual dating” and “short-term relationships”), I’m starting to realize that I’m much more of a demisexual than I gave myself credit for, and it kinda bums me out. It sucks to admit out loud, but I wish I didn’t need to care about your (extremely cute) cat or about your hyperfocus on typewriters and how I think it’s actually super cool when people have niche interests. I wish I cared *less* and could just have sex with people. On the other side of the coin, I find myself losing interest quickly when my date is into something I firmly disagree with – as an example, I’ve cut short a date because this girl would *not* stop talking about AI models. I wish I could just move past it, not care, do the thing we’re both here to do and are interested in, and walk away happy.

So, Doctor NerdLove, how can I be a scarlet-letter slut and get over my own need to know someone? Is this even a thing at all?

Cheers,

Not Just A Person, I’m Also A Piece of Meat

DEAR NOT JUST A PERSON, I’M ALSO A PIECE OF MEAT: Just so I’m understanding you properly, you’re wanting to know how you can have sex with people you don’t actually care about?

Well, I’ve got a question for you in return: why?

Let’s leave the way your sexual attraction works out of the equation for a moment; we’ll get back to it, don’t worry. Instead, let’s just focus on your desire to have more no-strings sexual encounters, rather than adding more people to your polycule.

So, seriously: why is it important that you rack up some numbers? What is it that you’re hoping to get out of banging more people? Don’t get me wrong: I’m all in favor of people having as much – or as little – sex as they would prefer. But I think it’s a good idea to at least have an idea of why you might want to be having more casual hook ups and what you’re getting out of it by doing so. It doesn’t do much good if the issue isn’t really about sex, especially if sex isn’t going to be an effective way to meet that need.

Is it about validation? Do you feel like you’ve missed out somehow and you’re trying to make up for lost time? Is it that you have a powerful need for sexual variety and two committed partners isn’t going to be enough? Are there types of sex that you want or need that neither of your partners are able or willing to provide and so you’re seeking it elsewhere with permission and encouragement?

I ask, in part, because if this desire is coming into conflict with your arousal patterns and your sexuality, that suggests to me that maybe that this is less about your sexuality and more about what sex represents to you.

But maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just that you’ve got a high libido and an appreciation for novelty and it doesn’t go any further than that. That’s completely legit. But that does make things a bit tricky when it comes to actually finding what you want. Especially if there’s a conflict between wanting to get laid in general and what you need to be into banging a specific person.

Which is part of why I wonder why you feel like having to like the people you’re sleeping with is the problem.

Now on a practical level, I can understand why you might want to be having more casual hook ups; as many poly people have joked, the most important member of the polycule is the shared Google calendar. Trying to balance two (or more) committed, emotionally intimate relationships in such a way that nobody feels short-changed and that their needs are being met is a lot of work. Maintaining multiple, concurrent romantic relationships isn’t addition and subtraction, it’s exponential. If your main goal is just to get some strange, then yeah, having hook-ups that are preludes to a more committed relationship just makes things more complicated and increases the odds that someone feels like they’re getting screwed over… and not in the happy fun way.

However, that seems to come in conflict with the way your sexuality functions. If you are more demisexual than you realized, then you may have to just accept that this is how things work for you. It’s theoretically possible that you might be able to power through things with folks you don’t necessarily like or have a strong connection with, but that may well be like trying to swim upstream against a strong current. You can certainly try, and you may even get somewhere… but at the same time, you’re going to have to expend a lot more effort to get half as far, and the reward you get at the end may well not be commensurate with the effort you’re putting in.��If you were capable of a stronger erotic or sexual connection with someone you don’t know or like that much, then it seems like you shouldn’t have an issue with a hit-it-and-quit-it hook-up with the AI model lady. You know that her interests are a dealbreaker for anything more than twenty minutes of creaking bedsprings and squishy noises… except for the part where apparently your dick just doesn’t agree. Which, I think, is the tell.

That having been said, it’s possible that you’re focusing too much on the “f--king randos” side of your prospective sluttiness instead of the “how much you’re f--king” instead. This is part of why I asked what your motivation is; if it’s about wanting to prove something by having a slam down with random people, that’s one thing. But perhaps it would be more feasible to have a series of friends who you occasionally bang out with. If you don’t need to be on the verge of falling in love with someone to get attracted to them, it may be less of a struggle to find people that you like to hang out with and sometimes ya’ll go back to someone’s place and stress-test the structural integrity of the mattress. 

There’s also something to be said about a series of short-term relationships. Sluttiness is still sluttiness if people coming (er, as it were) sequentially, instead of a couple this week, a couple more next week and so on. Yes, I suppose one could argue this is just serial monogamy with extra steps, but would “a month with this person, then three weeks with that one and maybe a month and a half with this person over here” really contradict your overall goals or needs?

If you’re more focused on the “randos” side of things, I think you may be out of luck. But if you’re willing to be a little more flexible and work with your sexuality, I think you’ll have better and more satisfying results.

And just on a personal note: over the years, I made it a personal rule not to sleep with people I couldn’t be friends with. I’ve been with people who were brain-meltingly hot, but who I just didn’t vibe with on a personal level, and to be blunt: the sex was never worth it. On the other hand, even if it was a one-night-only engagement, sleeping with people I actually enjoyed talking to and could be friends with even if sex wasn’t on the table has always meant things were far better for everyone.

You may want to consider a similar rule if you want to actually enjoy your slut era, instead of just going through it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: You asked for a follow-up on Gary and Amanda (“My Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship, And He Can’t Tell!” 6/09/21) so here we are, back 4 years later.

Long story short, they are still together, although there are new insights (and a giant flashing warning siren that I’ll get to later)

He’s back in school as he started another degree. Shortly after my last letter they moved cross country again. He has only a year left on this program so hopefully he’s able to actually finish it this time before they change locales again.

Our friend group had a weekend getaway planned a few years ago, as most of us have spread out across the country as adults. The biggest thing though was that one of our friends (we’ll call him BFF) who moved to Australia many years ago was coming back to the US for the trip. This was a big thing for Gary too because (as you’ve probably guessed) BFF is probably Gary’s closest and oldest friend, and he originally introduced Gary to the rest of us in the first place.

Due to the pandemic and school and moving, Gary hasn’t worked in a few years and has been fully financially dependent on Amanda. Knowing this, and knowing BFF was coming home for the first time in years, the rest of the group and I agreed that we would cover all Gary’s costs for the trip so he wouldn’t miss it. At first, Gary was excited. He helped us with scheduling, planning, etc. But, as happens, eventually he stopped responding to the message threads altogether. Any questions about the events of the weekend were ghosted.

Alas, about two weeks before the trip, he told us that he was unfortunately out and that he hoped we would all have fun. Sadly to say, nobody that weekend was entirely surprised by the outcome. BFF was crushed. One of our friends jokingly suggested we should fly out, “kidnap” him, and bring him on the trip like a cult deprogrammer. Eventually we got on with the weekend, lamenting his absence.

It wasn’t until the holidays that year when we got more insight into what happened. Apparently, while she was fine with it at first, as the weekend neared Amanda had approached him and said she “couldn’t handle being without him” for the duration of the trip.

3 Nights. She couldn’t be without him for three nights.

Surprisingly, we learned that there actually was (finally) pushback from Gary on this. That’s why it took so long to get a definitive answer. Eventually, he did acquiesce because he feels he “owes” her for the years of financial support while he’s been unemployed. “Once I have my own job and money, I’ll be able to push back more” was what he told us. Myself and a few other mutual friends are currently doing our best to get him lined up with work the moment he graduates. Just help him get a little financial independence again.

Anyway, about that warning siren I mentioned earlier….

Gary messaged me a month ago to ask about what it’s like having kids (my wife and I have two little ones). Apparently, he and Amanda have been floating the idea of having a child. He wanted my input on what being a parent is like, the lifestyle changes, etc. I tried to be honest. I talked about the realities of it. How it’s simultaneously wonderful but also utterly emotionally & physically demanding. How it requires full investment and input from both parents make it through the workload. How each parent needs at least some dedicated “alone” time to pursue their own interests to be able to maintain their sanity. I also tried to subtly express my concerns by highlighting the demands of parenthood.

However, what I actually wanted so say was “DANGER, LAST EXIT APPROACHING RAPIDLY”.

Given everything over the years, I cannot no matter how hard I try imagine Amanda being a good parent. She’s certainly not a good partner to Gary. Parenthood is an immense responsibility that requires a degree of selflessness, towards both your Child and your Partner. I feel like this is a bad situation that is potentially about to get a whole lot worse for Gary (and for hypothetical future child).

I know last time you mentioned that I probably shouldn’t overtly voice my concerns to him directly but I have to admit, given the circumstances, I’m having a real hard time holding my tongue at the moment.

Sincerely,

(Still) Worried About My Friend

DEAR (STILL) WORRIED ABOUT MY FRIEND: Hooo boy.

I’m glad you wrote in with more about Gary and Amanada, SWAMF, but man I wish it were better news. And frankly, some of what Amanda is doing feels very familiar to me, such as the way that she decided to throw a monkey-wrench into your plans for a big get together with Gary and BFF who – as you pointed out – flew over from Australia to see his bud. Preventing and limiting Gary’s access and time with his friends, the very people who might tell him “hey, this really isn’t a good situation!” is a classic form of isolation.��I will be honest: there’s a very cynical part of my brain that wonders if all of that moving around that keeps interrupting Gary’s attempts to finish his degree isn’t intentional on Amanda’s part. One of the less immediately obvious (or easily denied) ways to sabotage a partner’s ability or desire to leave an abusive relationship is to continually keep them off balance and to not let them get their full footing. Sometimes this is emotional – always ensuring that they’re always having to walk on eggshells and avoid upsetting their partner – and other times it’s by ensuring there’s always a new crisis or conflict to be managed. And sometimes it can come in the form of finding ways to interrupt their progress on a major goal… especially if it’s one that may serve as a milestone or a way that would give them more resources that would make leaving easier. Such as, say, interrupting their education. 

The way that Amanda is “suddenly” all gung-ho about having kids, likewise, is a worrying change. A lot of toxic and abusive partners have used pregnancy and children as ways of locking their victims into the relationship; there’re all sorts of horror stories of abusers sabotaging their partner’s contraceptives or coercing them into getting pregnant. It’s another string in the skein that ties them together and one that can be especially hard to unravel – especially if the person who had been coerced or tricked into parenthood has anything resembling a conscience and a soul. It’s hard to make a clean break when it’s just the two of them; when kids (or pets, for that matter) are involved, then suddenly it gets a lot messier and a lot more complicated, with more angles where leverage could be applied against them.

It’s good that Gary’s starting to be willing to push back… and I think this is an opportunity for you to apply some leverage of your own. The fact that he wants to push against her demands is a sign that there’re some cracks in the relationship and cracks are very good places to plant seeds.

And, importantly, it’s one where you can be the concerned friend but without making this explicitly about waking Gary up to the fact that he’s being abused. Gary needs to be the one who comes to the decision that it’s time to leave. If you can help give him more time before Amanda can close off another opportunity, you increase the likelihood that he’ll get there.

I suggest that you put focus on helping him get his job and get his feet under him. If he feels less dependent on Amanda, it’ll blunt some of her hold on him. But this also gives you (and by extension, Gary) the perfect opportunity to keep Amanda at bay without seeming to.

Since Gary has been unemployed and still hasn’t finished his degree, it seems to me that the only responsible thing to do would be to delay having kids. It’s time to play the Concerned Friend Who Wants To Make Sure He Knows What He’s Getting Into, which is often easier and more effective a way of slipping ideas in past is defenses than if you were to tell him to not mix his DNA with her under any circumstances. If he’s looking to you as an authority on child rearing and parenthood, you can focus on all the difficulties and challenges of kids and what ducks he should get in a row before trying to have kids. After all, children and parenthood is an incredibly expensive prospect under the best of circumstances, especially with so much economic chaos and instability going on right now. With prices on everything rising and falling like the world’s most demented roller coaster and tarrifs being applied and lifted seemingly at random and vaccine schedules and pre-natal care recommendations are changing so frequently… why, it would be almost criminally irresponsible to try to have a child on just one person’s salary. Wouldn’t it be better to wait until Gary got a job – and was sure of stable employment – and to put their effort into building some financial security? In fact, the best possible option would be to wait until they had more of a nest egg so that one (or both) of them could devote more time to taking care of the baby during those formative years? And with the cost of health care and all the ways babies are little germ factories… well, you’d need a hedge against emergencies, even if you had decent insurance, right?

I mean, you’re just being a good and supportive friend, especially as someone who’s had kids…  

As I said before: you aren’t going to be able to change his mind for him, and you can’t brow beat him into making the right decision. But if you can plant enough seeds and ideas – ones that ultimately lead him to where he needs to be – then some of those may be able to turn those cracks into fissures and those fissures into opportunities for full separation… before he ends up blending his DNA and gets stuck having to keep Amanda in his life for the next 18 years.

But again: you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. If Gary isn’t ready or willing to make the leap yet, there’s nothing you can do to make him. Staying in his life – even as Amanda tries to isolate him – and ensuring that you’re always ready to listen and to help whenever he needs it is going to be important, whether it’s now or in the future.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com