DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Over the last year, my spouse and I transitioned our relationship from a vaguely ethnically non-monogamous marriage to a fully open polyamorous relationship. This has been *wildly* successful, I’m happy to report. We are still happily married and nesting, and we each have one additional partner who we are absolutely head-over-heels for.

So, what’s the problem? Well, I’m falling head first into a *big*, capital ‘S’ Slut era. All of my partners are fully on board and supportive of this, and we’ve already established boundaries and safety agreements, including protection and testing. I am very excited to explore this new side of me, and having such genuine compersion from my partners is a gift.

However, after now having been on a few dates (under the banner of “casual dating” and “short-term relationships”), I’m starting to realize that I’m much more of a demisexual than I gave myself credit for, and it kinda bums me out. It sucks to admit out loud, but I wish I didn’t need to care about your (extremely cute) cat or about your hyperfocus on typewriters and how I think it’s actually super cool when people have niche interests. I wish I cared *less* and could just have sex with people. On the other side of the coin, I find myself losing interest quickly when my date is into something I firmly disagree with – as an example, I’ve cut short a date because this girl would *not* stop talking about AI models. I wish I could just move past it, not care, do the thing we’re both here to do and are interested in, and walk away happy.

So, Doctor NerdLove, how can I be a scarlet-letter slut and get over my own need to know someone? Is this even a thing at all?

Cheers,

Not Just A Person, I’m Also A Piece of Meat

DEAR NOT JUST A PERSON, I’M ALSO A PIECE OF MEAT: Just so I’m understanding you properly, you’re wanting to know how you can have sex with people you don’t actually care about?

Well, I’ve got a question for you in return: why?

Let’s leave the way your sexual attraction works out of the equation for a moment; we’ll get back to it, don’t worry. Instead, let’s just focus on your desire to have more no-strings sexual encounters, rather than adding more people to your polycule.

So, seriously: why is it important that you rack up some numbers? What is it that you’re hoping to get out of banging more people? Don’t get me wrong: I’m all in favor of people having as much – or as little – sex as they would prefer. But I think it’s a good idea to at least have an idea of why you might want to be having more casual hook ups and what you’re getting out of it by doing so. It doesn’t do much good if the issue isn’t really about sex, especially if sex isn’t going to be an effective way to meet that need.

Is it about validation? Do you feel like you’ve missed out somehow and you’re trying to make up for lost time? Is it that you have a powerful need for sexual variety and two committed partners isn’t going to be enough? Are there types of sex that you want or need that neither of your partners are able or willing to provide and so you’re seeking it elsewhere with permission and encouragement?

I ask, in part, because if this desire is coming into conflict with your arousal patterns and your sexuality, that suggests to me that maybe that this is less about your sexuality and more about what sex represents to you.

But maybe it isn’t. Maybe it’s just that you’ve got a high libido and an appreciation for novelty and it doesn’t go any further than that. That’s completely legit. But that does make things a bit tricky when it comes to actually finding what you want. Especially if there’s a conflict between wanting to get laid in general and what you need to be into banging a specific person.

Which is part of why I wonder why you feel like having to like the people you’re sleeping with is the problem.

Now on a practical level, I can understand why you might want to be having more casual hook ups; as many poly people have joked, the most important member of the polycule is the shared Google calendar. Trying to balance two (or more) committed, emotionally intimate relationships in such a way that nobody feels short-changed and that their needs are being met is a lot of work. Maintaining multiple, concurrent romantic relationships isn’t addition and subtraction, it’s exponential. If your main goal is just to get some strange, then yeah, having hook-ups that are preludes to a more committed relationship just makes things more complicated and increases the odds that someone feels like they’re getting screwed over… and not in the happy fun way.

However, that seems to come in conflict with the way your sexuality functions. If you are more demisexual than you realized, then you may have to just accept that this is how things work for you. It’s theoretically possible that you might be able to power through things with folks you don’t necessarily like or have a strong connection with, but that may well be like trying to swim upstream against a strong current. You can certainly try, and you may even get somewhere… but at the same time, you’re going to have to expend a lot more effort to get half as far, and the reward you get at the end may well not be commensurate with the effort you’re putting in.��If you were capable of a stronger erotic or sexual connection with someone you don’t know or like that much, then it seems like you shouldn’t have an issue with a hit-it-and-quit-it hook-up with the AI model lady. You know that her interests are a dealbreaker for anything more than twenty minutes of creaking bedsprings and squishy noises… except for the part where apparently your dick just doesn’t agree. Which, I think, is the tell.

That having been said, it’s possible that you’re focusing too much on the “f--king randos” side of your prospective sluttiness instead of the “how much you’re f--king” instead. This is part of why I asked what your motivation is; if it’s about wanting to prove something by having a slam down with random people, that’s one thing. But perhaps it would be more feasible to have a series of friends who you occasionally bang out with. If you don’t need to be on the verge of falling in love with someone to get attracted to them, it may be less of a struggle to find people that you like to hang out with and sometimes ya’ll go back to someone’s place and stress-test the structural integrity of the mattress. 

There’s also something to be said about a series of short-term relationships. Sluttiness is still sluttiness if people coming (er, as it were) sequentially, instead of a couple this week, a couple more next week and so on. Yes, I suppose one could argue this is just serial monogamy with extra steps, but would “a month with this person, then three weeks with that one and maybe a month and a half with this person over here” really contradict your overall goals or needs?

If you’re more focused on the “randos” side of things, I think you may be out of luck. But if you’re willing to be a little more flexible and work with your sexuality, I think you’ll have better and more satisfying results.

And just on a personal note: over the years, I made it a personal rule not to sleep with people I couldn’t be friends with. I’ve been with people who were brain-meltingly hot, but who I just didn’t vibe with on a personal level, and to be blunt: the sex was never worth it. On the other hand, even if it was a one-night-only engagement, sleeping with people I actually enjoyed talking to and could be friends with even if sex wasn’t on the table has always meant things were far better for everyone.

You may want to consider a similar rule if you want to actually enjoy your slut era, instead of just going through it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: You asked for a follow-up on Gary and Amanda (“My Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship, And He Can’t Tell!” 6/09/21) so here we are, back 4 years later.

Long story short, they are still together, although there are new insights (and a giant flashing warning siren that I’ll get to later)

He’s back in school as he started another degree. Shortly after my last letter they moved cross country again. He has only a year left on this program so hopefully he’s able to actually finish it this time before they change locales again.

Our friend group had a weekend getaway planned a few years ago, as most of us have spread out across the country as adults. The biggest thing though was that one of our friends (we’ll call him BFF) who moved to Australia many years ago was coming back to the US for the trip. This was a big thing for Gary too because (as you’ve probably guessed) BFF is probably Gary’s closest and oldest friend, and he originally introduced Gary to the rest of us in the first place.

Due to the pandemic and school and moving, Gary hasn’t worked in a few years and has been fully financially dependent on Amanda. Knowing this, and knowing BFF was coming home for the first time in years, the rest of the group and I agreed that we would cover all Gary’s costs for the trip so he wouldn’t miss it. At first, Gary was excited. He helped us with scheduling, planning, etc. But, as happens, eventually he stopped responding to the message threads altogether. Any questions about the events of the weekend were ghosted.

Alas, about two weeks before the trip, he told us that he was unfortunately out and that he hoped we would all have fun. Sadly to say, nobody that weekend was entirely surprised by the outcome. BFF was crushed. One of our friends jokingly suggested we should fly out, “kidnap” him, and bring him on the trip like a cult deprogrammer. Eventually we got on with the weekend, lamenting his absence.

It wasn’t until the holidays that year when we got more insight into what happened. Apparently, while she was fine with it at first, as the weekend neared Amanda had approached him and said she “couldn’t handle being without him” for the duration of the trip.

3 Nights. She couldn’t be without him for three nights.

Surprisingly, we learned that there actually was (finally) pushback from Gary on this. That’s why it took so long to get a definitive answer. Eventually, he did acquiesce because he feels he “owes” her for the years of financial support while he’s been unemployed. “Once I have my own job and money, I’ll be able to push back more” was what he told us. Myself and a few other mutual friends are currently doing our best to get him lined up with work the moment he graduates. Just help him get a little financial independence again.

Anyway, about that warning siren I mentioned earlier….

Gary messaged me a month ago to ask about what it’s like having kids (my wife and I have two little ones). Apparently, he and Amanda have been floating the idea of having a child. He wanted my input on what being a parent is like, the lifestyle changes, etc. I tried to be honest. I talked about the realities of it. How it’s simultaneously wonderful but also utterly emotionally & physically demanding. How it requires full investment and input from both parents make it through the workload. How each parent needs at least some dedicated “alone” time to pursue their own interests to be able to maintain their sanity. I also tried to subtly express my concerns by highlighting the demands of parenthood.

However, what I actually wanted so say was “DANGER, LAST EXIT APPROACHING RAPIDLY”.

Given everything over the years, I cannot no matter how hard I try imagine Amanda being a good parent. She’s certainly not a good partner to Gary. Parenthood is an immense responsibility that requires a degree of selflessness, towards both your Child and your Partner. I feel like this is a bad situation that is potentially about to get a whole lot worse for Gary (and for hypothetical future child).

I know last time you mentioned that I probably shouldn’t overtly voice my concerns to him directly but I have to admit, given the circumstances, I’m having a real hard time holding my tongue at the moment.

Sincerely,

(Still) Worried About My Friend

DEAR (STILL) WORRIED ABOUT MY FRIEND: Hooo boy.

I’m glad you wrote in with more about Gary and Amanada, SWAMF, but man I wish it were better news. And frankly, some of what Amanda is doing feels very familiar to me, such as the way that she decided to throw a monkey-wrench into your plans for a big get together with Gary and BFF who – as you pointed out – flew over from Australia to see his bud. Preventing and limiting Gary’s access and time with his friends, the very people who might tell him “hey, this really isn’t a good situation!” is a classic form of isolation.��I will be honest: there’s a very cynical part of my brain that wonders if all of that moving around that keeps interrupting Gary’s attempts to finish his degree isn’t intentional on Amanda’s part. One of the less immediately obvious (or easily denied) ways to sabotage a partner’s ability or desire to leave an abusive relationship is to continually keep them off balance and to not let them get their full footing. Sometimes this is emotional – always ensuring that they’re always having to walk on eggshells and avoid upsetting their partner – and other times it’s by ensuring there’s always a new crisis or conflict to be managed. And sometimes it can come in the form of finding ways to interrupt their progress on a major goal… especially if it’s one that may serve as a milestone or a way that would give them more resources that would make leaving easier. Such as, say, interrupting their education. 

The way that Amanda is “suddenly” all gung-ho about having kids, likewise, is a worrying change. A lot of toxic and abusive partners have used pregnancy and children as ways of locking their victims into the relationship; there’re all sorts of horror stories of abusers sabotaging their partner’s contraceptives or coercing them into getting pregnant. It’s another string in the skein that ties them together and one that can be especially hard to unravel – especially if the person who had been coerced or tricked into parenthood has anything resembling a conscience and a soul. It’s hard to make a clean break when it’s just the two of them; when kids (or pets, for that matter) are involved, then suddenly it gets a lot messier and a lot more complicated, with more angles where leverage could be applied against them.

It’s good that Gary’s starting to be willing to push back… and I think this is an opportunity for you to apply some leverage of your own. The fact that he wants to push against her demands is a sign that there’re some cracks in the relationship and cracks are very good places to plant seeds.

And, importantly, it’s one where you can be the concerned friend but without making this explicitly about waking Gary up to the fact that he’s being abused. Gary needs to be the one who comes to the decision that it’s time to leave. If you can help give him more time before Amanda can close off another opportunity, you increase the likelihood that he’ll get there.

I suggest that you put focus on helping him get his job and get his feet under him. If he feels less dependent on Amanda, it’ll blunt some of her hold on him. But this also gives you (and by extension, Gary) the perfect opportunity to keep Amanda at bay without seeming to.

Since Gary has been unemployed and still hasn’t finished his degree, it seems to me that the only responsible thing to do would be to delay having kids. It’s time to play the Concerned Friend Who Wants To Make Sure He Knows What He’s Getting Into, which is often easier and more effective a way of slipping ideas in past is defenses than if you were to tell him to not mix his DNA with her under any circumstances. If he’s looking to you as an authority on child rearing and parenthood, you can focus on all the difficulties and challenges of kids and what ducks he should get in a row before trying to have kids. After all, children and parenthood is an incredibly expensive prospect under the best of circumstances, especially with so much economic chaos and instability going on right now. With prices on everything rising and falling like the world’s most demented roller coaster and tarrifs being applied and lifted seemingly at random and vaccine schedules and pre-natal care recommendations are changing so frequently… why, it would be almost criminally irresponsible to try to have a child on just one person’s salary. Wouldn’t it be better to wait until Gary got a job – and was sure of stable employment – and to put their effort into building some financial security? In fact, the best possible option would be to wait until they had more of a nest egg so that one (or both) of them could devote more time to taking care of the baby during those formative years? And with the cost of health care and all the ways babies are little germ factories… well, you’d need a hedge against emergencies, even if you had decent insurance, right?

I mean, you’re just being a good and supportive friend, especially as someone who’s had kids…  

As I said before: you aren’t going to be able to change his mind for him, and you can’t brow beat him into making the right decision. But if you can plant enough seeds and ideas – ones that ultimately lead him to where he needs to be – then some of those may be able to turn those cracks into fissures and those fissures into opportunities for full separation… before he ends up blending his DNA and gets stuck having to keep Amanda in his life for the next 18 years.

But again: you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. If Gary isn’t ready or willing to make the leap yet, there’s nothing you can do to make him. Staying in his life – even as Amanda tries to isolate him – and ensuring that you’re always ready to listen and to help whenever he needs it is going to be important, whether it’s now or in the future.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a man who loves enjoys wearing female panties and thongs. How do I explain to my partner that I am not gay or transgender? I just like the feeling of how they make me feel and how they make me look.

Undercover Perv

DEAR UNDERCOVER PERV: And here’s where I take this far more seriously than the subject would suggest is deserved.

This one’s simple, UP: you use your words.

Here’s the thing: cross-dressing has existed pretty much since men and women started differentiating clothes by gender. We can argue about the practicality of trousers versus skirts or dresses, but at the end of the day, a lot of the gender differences in clothing are completely arbitrary. Why, for example, is it not weird for women to be wearing y-fronts or boxers, but a man wearing a G-string or some high-cut underwear with a little lace or satin is seen as unusual at best? For that matter, why does any underwear that’s intended to be seen – something that emphasizes one’s ass or crotch, for example – seem to be the sole province of women or queer men? Do men not deserve lingerie?

(Incidentally, going by some of the Facebook ads I’m seeing lately, the answer seems to be “… actually, yeah.”)

The reason why we get weird about it is because of the tendency to think of male as the default, and female as the variation or exception. This is why women wearing men’s clothing is now seen as acceptable; it was shocking and risqué at one point but now it’s incredibly common and accepted. Men wearing women’s clothing, on the other hand is seen as being transgressive, shocking or even sexual in nature… even when it isn’t.

Part of it is entirely about gender roles, about expectations and stereotypes around gender in general. F--king with or breaking those expectations can make a lot of people uncomfortable. This is especially true when it comes to underwear. Dresses or skirts are one thing; you can take the same piece of cloth and call it a kilt or sarong and that’s pretty much that. But underwear is seen as being far more intimate and tied to sexuality, especially once you’re getting into underwear that’s less about practicality and more about being for show.

I’m assuming, for example, that you’re not necessarily into wearing grannie panties or basic three-to-a-pack pairs of Hanes; in fact, some folks would find wearing bloomers or other “unsexy” women’s underwear to be a weirder kink than thongs or something frilly and sheer from Thistle and Spire.

But that’s just the thing: you’re wearing them for a reason, and that reason isn’t about practicality or how clothing is inherently agender until someone applies a gendered meaning to it. And if you can articulate that reason, you’ll have a better chance of explaining it to your partner.

So take a moment and dig into precisely what it is about wearing panties or thongs that you’re into. Is it, for example, that you wish men had a wider variety of options for underwear that were less utilitarian and more for show? Do you like the feel of the different fabric against your skin or think that a little more lace or different cuts are sexier? Do you like the transgressive nature of wearing explicitly feminine clothes while you present as typically masculine? Is it the fact that it’s women’s underwear specifically that you enjoy, or do you get a charge over having a little secret that only you know about and the thong is easier to conceal?  

Similarly, is there a sexual charge out of this, or is it more that you like gender bending nature of it – breaking a taboo with something this intimate? Do you like the clothing in general, or is it more about the idea that something that’s been on a woman’s body and in contact with her genitals is now rubbing up on yours?

Or maybe you just like to feel pretty sometimes and most underwear made for men just doesn’t do the job.

Once you can put those feelings into words, you’ll be better able to explain the why of it all to your partner. If you can do that, you’ll have a better chance of at least getting her to understand why you enjoy it, even if it seems weird to her. Being able to break down the whys and wherefores tends to make it less “weird” and uncomfortable, even if they don’t share the interest or arousal.

The important thing to remember is that whether this is a paraphilia doesn’t make it less acceptable than if it’s just about appreciating different cuts, fabrics or aesthetics. Something giving us a sexy little thrill doesn’t make it more or less legitimate, even if it’s not part of the standard issue package of human sexuality.

Assuming that you’re not getting off on forcing folks to be aware of your wearing women’s underwear and you’re not stealing women’s panties, then doing some secret perving isn’t harming anyone – any more than folks quietly grooving on seeing women in sundresses or appreciating a guy rolling up his sleeves to show off his slutty forearms or opening a few buttons on his shirt to expose some chest hair.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com