DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: You asked for a follow-up on Gary and Amanda (“My Friend Is In An Abusive Relationship, And He Can’t Tell!” 6/09/21) so here we are, back 4 years later.

Long story short, they are still together, although there are new insights (and a giant flashing warning siren that I’ll get to later)

He’s back in school as he started another degree. Shortly after my last letter they moved cross country again. He has only a year left on this program so hopefully he’s able to actually finish it this time before they change locales again.

Our friend group had a weekend getaway planned a few years ago, as most of us have spread out across the country as adults. The biggest thing though was that one of our friends (we’ll call him BFF) who moved to Australia many years ago was coming back to the US for the trip. This was a big thing for Gary too because (as you’ve probably guessed) BFF is probably Gary’s closest and oldest friend, and he originally introduced Gary to the rest of us in the first place.

Due to the pandemic and school and moving, Gary hasn’t worked in a few years and has been fully financially dependent on Amanda. Knowing this, and knowing BFF was coming home for the first time in years, the rest of the group and I agreed that we would cover all Gary’s costs for the trip so he wouldn’t miss it. At first, Gary was excited. He helped us with scheduling, planning, etc. But, as happens, eventually he stopped responding to the message threads altogether. Any questions about the events of the weekend were ghosted.

Alas, about two weeks before the trip, he told us that he was unfortunately out and that he hoped we would all have fun. Sadly to say, nobody that weekend was entirely surprised by the outcome. BFF was crushed. One of our friends jokingly suggested we should fly out, “kidnap” him, and bring him on the trip like a cult deprogrammer. Eventually we got on with the weekend, lamenting his absence.

It wasn’t until the holidays that year when we got more insight into what happened. Apparently, while she was fine with it at first, as the weekend neared Amanda had approached him and said she “couldn’t handle being without him” for the duration of the trip.

3 Nights. She couldn’t be without him for three nights.

Surprisingly, we learned that there actually was (finally) pushback from Gary on this. That’s why it took so long to get a definitive answer. Eventually, he did acquiesce because he feels he “owes” her for the years of financial support while he’s been unemployed. “Once I have my own job and money, I’ll be able to push back more” was what he told us. Myself and a few other mutual friends are currently doing our best to get him lined up with work the moment he graduates. Just help him get a little financial independence again.

Anyway, about that warning siren I mentioned earlier….

Gary messaged me a month ago to ask about what it’s like having kids (my wife and I have two little ones). Apparently, he and Amanda have been floating the idea of having a child. He wanted my input on what being a parent is like, the lifestyle changes, etc. I tried to be honest. I talked about the realities of it. How it’s simultaneously wonderful but also utterly emotionally & physically demanding. How it requires full investment and input from both parents make it through the workload. How each parent needs at least some dedicated “alone” time to pursue their own interests to be able to maintain their sanity. I also tried to subtly express my concerns by highlighting the demands of parenthood.

However, what I actually wanted so say was “DANGER, LAST EXIT APPROACHING RAPIDLY”.

Given everything over the years, I cannot no matter how hard I try imagine Amanda being a good parent. She’s certainly not a good partner to Gary. Parenthood is an immense responsibility that requires a degree of selflessness, towards both your Child and your Partner. I feel like this is a bad situation that is potentially about to get a whole lot worse for Gary (and for hypothetical future child).

I know last time you mentioned that I probably shouldn’t overtly voice my concerns to him directly but I have to admit, given the circumstances, I’m having a real hard time holding my tongue at the moment.

Sincerely,

(Still) Worried About My Friend

DEAR (STILL) WORRIED ABOUT MY FRIEND: Hooo boy.

I’m glad you wrote in with more about Gary and Amanada, SWAMF, but man I wish it were better news. And frankly, some of what Amanda is doing feels very familiar to me, such as the way that she decided to throw a monkey-wrench into your plans for a big get together with Gary and BFF who – as you pointed out – flew over from Australia to see his bud. Preventing and limiting Gary’s access and time with his friends, the very people who might tell him “hey, this really isn’t a good situation!” is a classic form of isolation.��I will be honest: there’s a very cynical part of my brain that wonders if all of that moving around that keeps interrupting Gary’s attempts to finish his degree isn’t intentional on Amanda’s part. One of the less immediately obvious (or easily denied) ways to sabotage a partner’s ability or desire to leave an abusive relationship is to continually keep them off balance and to not let them get their full footing. Sometimes this is emotional – always ensuring that they’re always having to walk on eggshells and avoid upsetting their partner – and other times it’s by ensuring there’s always a new crisis or conflict to be managed. And sometimes it can come in the form of finding ways to interrupt their progress on a major goal… especially if it’s one that may serve as a milestone or a way that would give them more resources that would make leaving easier. Such as, say, interrupting their education. 

The way that Amanda is “suddenly” all gung-ho about having kids, likewise, is a worrying change. A lot of toxic and abusive partners have used pregnancy and children as ways of locking their victims into the relationship; there’re all sorts of horror stories of abusers sabotaging their partner’s contraceptives or coercing them into getting pregnant. It’s another string in the skein that ties them together and one that can be especially hard to unravel – especially if the person who had been coerced or tricked into parenthood has anything resembling a conscience and a soul. It’s hard to make a clean break when it’s just the two of them; when kids (or pets, for that matter) are involved, then suddenly it gets a lot messier and a lot more complicated, with more angles where leverage could be applied against them.

It’s good that Gary’s starting to be willing to push back… and I think this is an opportunity for you to apply some leverage of your own. The fact that he wants to push against her demands is a sign that there’re some cracks in the relationship and cracks are very good places to plant seeds.

And, importantly, it’s one where you can be the concerned friend but without making this explicitly about waking Gary up to the fact that he’s being abused. Gary needs to be the one who comes to the decision that it’s time to leave. If you can help give him more time before Amanda can close off another opportunity, you increase the likelihood that he’ll get there.

I suggest that you put focus on helping him get his job and get his feet under him. If he feels less dependent on Amanda, it’ll blunt some of her hold on him. But this also gives you (and by extension, Gary) the perfect opportunity to keep Amanda at bay without seeming to.

Since Gary has been unemployed and still hasn’t finished his degree, it seems to me that the only responsible thing to do would be to delay having kids. It’s time to play the Concerned Friend Who Wants To Make Sure He Knows What He’s Getting Into, which is often easier and more effective a way of slipping ideas in past is defenses than if you were to tell him to not mix his DNA with her under any circumstances. If he’s looking to you as an authority on child rearing and parenthood, you can focus on all the difficulties and challenges of kids and what ducks he should get in a row before trying to have kids. After all, children and parenthood is an incredibly expensive prospect under the best of circumstances, especially with so much economic chaos and instability going on right now. With prices on everything rising and falling like the world’s most demented roller coaster and tarrifs being applied and lifted seemingly at random and vaccine schedules and pre-natal care recommendations are changing so frequently… why, it would be almost criminally irresponsible to try to have a child on just one person’s salary. Wouldn’t it be better to wait until Gary got a job – and was sure of stable employment – and to put their effort into building some financial security? In fact, the best possible option would be to wait until they had more of a nest egg so that one (or both) of them could devote more time to taking care of the baby during those formative years? And with the cost of health care and all the ways babies are little germ factories… well, you’d need a hedge against emergencies, even if you had decent insurance, right?

I mean, you’re just being a good and supportive friend, especially as someone who’s had kids…  

As I said before: you aren’t going to be able to change his mind for him, and you can’t brow beat him into making the right decision. But if you can plant enough seeds and ideas – ones that ultimately lead him to where he needs to be – then some of those may be able to turn those cracks into fissures and those fissures into opportunities for full separation… before he ends up blending his DNA and gets stuck having to keep Amanda in his life for the next 18 years.

But again: you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. If Gary isn’t ready or willing to make the leap yet, there’s nothing you can do to make him. Staying in his life – even as Amanda tries to isolate him – and ensuring that you’re always ready to listen and to help whenever he needs it is going to be important, whether it’s now or in the future.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a man who loves enjoys wearing female panties and thongs. How do I explain to my partner that I am not gay or transgender? I just like the feeling of how they make me feel and how they make me look.

Undercover Perv

DEAR UNDERCOVER PERV: And here’s where I take this far more seriously than the subject would suggest is deserved.

This one’s simple, UP: you use your words.

Here’s the thing: cross-dressing has existed pretty much since men and women started differentiating clothes by gender. We can argue about the practicality of trousers versus skirts or dresses, but at the end of the day, a lot of the gender differences in clothing are completely arbitrary. Why, for example, is it not weird for women to be wearing y-fronts or boxers, but a man wearing a G-string or some high-cut underwear with a little lace or satin is seen as unusual at best? For that matter, why does any underwear that’s intended to be seen – something that emphasizes one’s ass or crotch, for example – seem to be the sole province of women or queer men? Do men not deserve lingerie?

(Incidentally, going by some of the Facebook ads I’m seeing lately, the answer seems to be “… actually, yeah.”)

The reason why we get weird about it is because of the tendency to think of male as the default, and female as the variation or exception. This is why women wearing men’s clothing is now seen as acceptable; it was shocking and risqué at one point but now it’s incredibly common and accepted. Men wearing women’s clothing, on the other hand is seen as being transgressive, shocking or even sexual in nature… even when it isn’t.

Part of it is entirely about gender roles, about expectations and stereotypes around gender in general. F--king with or breaking those expectations can make a lot of people uncomfortable. This is especially true when it comes to underwear. Dresses or skirts are one thing; you can take the same piece of cloth and call it a kilt or sarong and that’s pretty much that. But underwear is seen as being far more intimate and tied to sexuality, especially once you’re getting into underwear that’s less about practicality and more about being for show.

I’m assuming, for example, that you’re not necessarily into wearing grannie panties or basic three-to-a-pack pairs of Hanes; in fact, some folks would find wearing bloomers or other “unsexy” women’s underwear to be a weirder kink than thongs or something frilly and sheer from Thistle and Spire.

But that’s just the thing: you’re wearing them for a reason, and that reason isn’t about practicality or how clothing is inherently agender until someone applies a gendered meaning to it. And if you can articulate that reason, you’ll have a better chance of explaining it to your partner.

So take a moment and dig into precisely what it is about wearing panties or thongs that you’re into. Is it, for example, that you wish men had a wider variety of options for underwear that were less utilitarian and more for show? Do you like the feel of the different fabric against your skin or think that a little more lace or different cuts are sexier? Do you like the transgressive nature of wearing explicitly feminine clothes while you present as typically masculine? Is it the fact that it’s women’s underwear specifically that you enjoy, or do you get a charge over having a little secret that only you know about and the thong is easier to conceal?  

Similarly, is there a sexual charge out of this, or is it more that you like gender bending nature of it – breaking a taboo with something this intimate? Do you like the clothing in general, or is it more about the idea that something that’s been on a woman’s body and in contact with her genitals is now rubbing up on yours?

Or maybe you just like to feel pretty sometimes and most underwear made for men just doesn’t do the job.

Once you can put those feelings into words, you’ll be better able to explain the why of it all to your partner. If you can do that, you’ll have a better chance of at least getting her to understand why you enjoy it, even if it seems weird to her. Being able to break down the whys and wherefores tends to make it less “weird” and uncomfortable, even if they don’t share the interest or arousal.

The important thing to remember is that whether this is a paraphilia doesn’t make it less acceptable than if it’s just about appreciating different cuts, fabrics or aesthetics. Something giving us a sexy little thrill doesn’t make it more or less legitimate, even if it’s not part of the standard issue package of human sexuality.

Assuming that you’re not getting off on forcing folks to be aware of your wearing women’s underwear and you’re not stealing women’s panties, then doing some secret perving isn’t harming anyone – any more than folks quietly grooving on seeing women in sundresses or appreciating a guy rolling up his sleeves to show off his slutty forearms or opening a few buttons on his shirt to expose some chest hair.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that’s not really about my relationship but about one I’ve been dragged into. 

I work in a medium-to-small-sized department of a large corporation. Because we have a certain level of independence and separation from the rest of the company, we have our own culture of sorts – we’re not all close friends or know the intimate details of each other’s lives outside of the office or anything, but a lot of us are friendly and hang out together outside of work. I mention this because it will be relevant in a moment.

Recently, “James” was transferred to our department from another one. James is one of those guys who comes off a little cocky, a little too aggressively “cool” in some ways but otherwise seems like a decent guy – always friendly, supportive, a good worker and so on. He’s more social and more outgoing than a lot of my co-workers, so he can feel like a lot to most of the department – except for me. I was glad to have someone else to take the role of designated “department extrovert”, as well as potentially someone who wouldn’t head home after one post-work beer when I’m hoping to hang out longer. In fact, it was one of those post-work beers that caused the problem.

A few of us went to our local after work and invited James to join us. For reference, the bar we usually hang out at isn’t necessarily a meat market, but it’s a pretty social and active scene. I mention this because as our other co-workers were heading home, James and I noticed a couple of women from across the bar who seemed to be unaccompanied and also looking over at us. James decided that we should go talk to them and I, having been single for a while, thought this was a good idea. 

This was all well and good. We were having a good conversation with the women, they clearly seemed to like us and “Marie”, the woman I was talking to, pulled me aside to ask about James – what’s he like, is he a good guy, that sort of thing. I answered honestly that he’d become one of the guys in my department that I hung out with regularly and while I hadn’t known him for all that long, yes, he was a pretty decent guy so far as I knew. I’m a little slow on the uptake sometimes, so I wasn’t sure what was going on and thought that maybe Marie was actually interested in James. She goes over to her friend “Cheryl”, pulls her aside for a second and they have a brief but apparently intense conversation. Then Marie comes back over to me and James and Cheryl leave together. Marie and I chat until she points out that Cheryl had the car, so would I be willing to give her a lift home. I agree, I drop Marie off and head back to my place. I get a text from James that said “thanks man, appreciate it”. 

Next day at work, I ask James how things went and learn that yes, he and Cheryl hooked up back at her place, and he thanks me again and says “you can be my wingman any time…” because I guess he thinks we’re Maverick and Iceman or something. I’m happy enough to have helped a friend get laid, did my good deed for the week, maybe karma will smile on me now.

Fast forward two months later, my department has hit a pretty significant milestone and against all odds, we hit it early and somewhat under budget. Management is thrilled and arranges a private event for us to celebrate. A detail that will be relevant in a moment is that we’re all allowed to bring a plus-one. I’m there with Marie, and James arrives with a woman I’ve never seen before. She introduces herself as James’s girlfriend and over the course of the evening, we find that she and James have been together for two years now. This is new information to me. In all of our conversations, and his hooking up with Cheryl that night I told you about, I had every reason to think that James was single, though looking back at it I don’t know if he ever actually said he was or wasn’t. Maybe I missed it? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t, and at the time I wasn’t going to check with others for obvious reasons.

Regardless, Marie is visibly upset at both of us and makes an excuse to leave. I am too busy trying to manage Marie suddenly being mad at me to really grasp what has happened but over the course of the next couple of days involving very angry text chains and a lot of apologizing and swearing up and down I had no idea, I come to understand that James has been seeing Cheryl somewhat regularly and Cheryl has no idea he’s got a girlfriend. I finally convince Marie that I was ignorant of this, although she’s still upset, since she doesn’t see how I couldn’t have known that he had a girlfriend. 

So, to make a long story short, I accidentally helped my friend cheat on his girlfriend and I’m not sure what to do here. Marie feels, and I have to agree, that I’m somewhat responsible since I vouched for him. She says Cheryl wouldn’t have gone home with him if I hadn’t. I don’t know how much I am to blame for this but I’m also not sure what to do about it. James and I haven’t talked, partially because work has been intense in the last couple of weeks, and partially because I don’t know what to say. I’m really pissed at James for making me complicit in his cheating and for being the cause of the mess in my relationship because of it. I need some advice on what to do now. Do I confront him over this? Do I go directly to his girlfriend and tell her? I assume she doesn’t know. How responsible am I and how do I fix things? 

Help?

Accessory To The Crime

DEAR ACCESSORY TO THE CRIME: Ok, ATTC, under other circumstances, I’d say that you keep your nose out of this. Most of the time, when you (the generic “you”, not you specifically, ATTC) discover that someone you know may be cheating, the only smart move is to not get involved. You don’t know the circumstances of their relationship or what’s going on behind closed doors and most of the time, you can’t be 100% sure that what you’re seeing isn’t perfectly normal or innocent. Plus, depending on your relationship to the person cheating or being cheated on, getting involved usually ends up creating unnecessary drama and can result in someone metaphorically shooting the messenger.

Of course, that all goes out the window when you were a critical part of said cheating. This isn’t just you stumbling across incriminating information or seeing someone having some sort of intimate moment with another person who isn’t their partner. You and James were out having a guy’s night and you helped facilitate his going home with Cheryl. That means you’re directly involved in this affair.

But please notice very carefully that I said “involved”, not “complicit”. I doubt that he’s such a cartoon villain that he planned this deliberately and with malice aforethought, but even under the most generous interpretation of events, he allowed you to believe something that wasn’t true and used that when it was convenient for him. That is a f--ked-up thing to do to someone, and doubly so to a friend and co-worker.

By the same token, I think Marie is upset – quite reasonably – because of how her friend’s been hurt and some of that is splashing back on you. That part isn’t necessarily fair. It’s understandable – we’re rarely perfectly rational when someone’s f--ked over our friends and we’re angry about it – but not fair. 

Yes, you may have been a key factor in that fatal instant where things could’ve gone either way – he goes home with Cheryl or he goes home alone – but you were acting in good faith. You, not unreasonably, assumed that James was single and free to hook up with whomever he chose. James, on the other hand, deliberately deceived you. He may not have said he was in a long-term and apparently monogamous relationship, but he sure as hell allowed you to believe it. At the very least, this wasn’t just lying by omission, he was actively misleading you. Worse, he put you in a position where you ended up misleading two other people, which is extremely not cool. You were a victim of his s--tty behavior and choices, not an accomplice. Certainly not a witting one. 

(I hesitate to call it “lying”, since you sincerely believed you were telling the truth, and James certainly never gave you reason to think otherwise.)

So, if I’m being honest here: while you were involved in Cheryl being hurt by all of this, I don’t think you were at fault here. This is entirely James’s doing; he lied to Cheryl, he’s presumably lying to his girlfriend and he seems to be blithely unaware – or unconcerned – about the position this has put you in and what it’s done to your relationship with Marie.

Should you have known? How could you have? Yes, I suppose an argument could be made that maybe you could have inquired about whether James was actually single or not, but frankly that’s more a matter of hindsight being 20/20 rather than a failure on your part. It’s not unreasonable to assume that James would’ve mentioned the existence of a girlfriend at some point and his behavior that night would lead most folks to think otherwise. I think someone has to be looking very hard for reasons to be upset at you if they were going to blame you for not pointedly asking “hey, you’re not about to cheat on a partner I don’t know about, are you?”

So what do you do about this? First, I think it would be worth apologizing to Cheryl. Yeah, you’re not at fault here – again, you had no idea and no reasonable way of knowing �– but it happened and you were involved. I think it’s worth telling her that you’re sorry, that James had lied to you too and you would never have been party to this if you’d known. Don’t make the apology about you – James lied to you both, but she’s the more injured party here – but do acknowledge her pain and your part in it.

Next, I’d say that you should confront James and tell him, to his face, that what he did was f--ked up and he needs to keep his distance from you from now on. Make it clear: you wouldn’t have been a part of this if you’d known that he had a girlfriend, and you are incredibly pissed at how his bulls--t move meant that you were involved in hurting people, and it has caused problems in your relationship.

I’d also suggest that maybe you should talk to your direct report and mention that you and James aren’t going to be able to work together. You don’t have to say why, nor do you have to see about transferring out of the department or trying to get James transferred. Life will be a lot easier and considerably more peaceful for everyone if you two don’t get thrown together on projects after he’s screwed you like this.

What I wouldn’t suggest is talking to his girlfriend. For one thing, you have no idea what she knows or doesn’t know. Maybe she knows that Cheryl exists but not the dirty details. Maybe she’s completely ignorant of all of this; the last thing you want is to not only have facilitated his cheating but also be the one who delivers the news to the person he cheated on. You’re already far too involved in this, which is the entire problem. Going to her – someone, I must stress, you don’t actually know – is only going to entrench you even deeper in this mess and you neither want nor need that.

Now, it’s your call as to whether you mention any of this to your coworkers. If James starts cozying up to one of them, they may be at risk of finding themselves in the same position you were. But on the other hand, you’re not the spirit of vengeance nor the swift hand of karmic retribution; you’re a guy who got dragooned into this bulls--t against his will. Better to wall yourself off from James’s drama and bulls--t behavior than to continue to be a character in this narrative.

It sucks you got pulled into this, and I hope Marie realizes that your involvement was not by choice. Tell James to get f--ked and put as much distance between you as you can.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com