DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a man who loves enjoys wearing female panties and thongs. How do I explain to my partner that I am not gay or transgender? I just like the feeling of how they make me feel and how they make me look.

Undercover Perv

DEAR UNDERCOVER PERV: And here’s where I take this far more seriously than the subject would suggest is deserved.

This one’s simple, UP: you use your words.

Here’s the thing: cross-dressing has existed pretty much since men and women started differentiating clothes by gender. We can argue about the practicality of trousers versus skirts or dresses, but at the end of the day, a lot of the gender differences in clothing are completely arbitrary. Why, for example, is it not weird for women to be wearing y-fronts or boxers, but a man wearing a G-string or some high-cut underwear with a little lace or satin is seen as unusual at best? For that matter, why does any underwear that’s intended to be seen – something that emphasizes one’s ass or crotch, for example – seem to be the sole province of women or queer men? Do men not deserve lingerie?

(Incidentally, going by some of the Facebook ads I’m seeing lately, the answer seems to be “… actually, yeah.”)

The reason why we get weird about it is because of the tendency to think of male as the default, and female as the variation or exception. This is why women wearing men’s clothing is now seen as acceptable; it was shocking and risqué at one point but now it’s incredibly common and accepted. Men wearing women’s clothing, on the other hand is seen as being transgressive, shocking or even sexual in nature… even when it isn’t.

Part of it is entirely about gender roles, about expectations and stereotypes around gender in general. F--king with or breaking those expectations can make a lot of people uncomfortable. This is especially true when it comes to underwear. Dresses or skirts are one thing; you can take the same piece of cloth and call it a kilt or sarong and that’s pretty much that. But underwear is seen as being far more intimate and tied to sexuality, especially once you’re getting into underwear that’s less about practicality and more about being for show.

I’m assuming, for example, that you’re not necessarily into wearing grannie panties or basic three-to-a-pack pairs of Hanes; in fact, some folks would find wearing bloomers or other “unsexy” women’s underwear to be a weirder kink than thongs or something frilly and sheer from Thistle and Spire.

But that’s just the thing: you’re wearing them for a reason, and that reason isn’t about practicality or how clothing is inherently agender until someone applies a gendered meaning to it. And if you can articulate that reason, you’ll have a better chance of explaining it to your partner.

So take a moment and dig into precisely what it is about wearing panties or thongs that you’re into. Is it, for example, that you wish men had a wider variety of options for underwear that were less utilitarian and more for show? Do you like the feel of the different fabric against your skin or think that a little more lace or different cuts are sexier? Do you like the transgressive nature of wearing explicitly feminine clothes while you present as typically masculine? Is it the fact that it’s women’s underwear specifically that you enjoy, or do you get a charge over having a little secret that only you know about and the thong is easier to conceal?  

Similarly, is there a sexual charge out of this, or is it more that you like gender bending nature of it – breaking a taboo with something this intimate? Do you like the clothing in general, or is it more about the idea that something that’s been on a woman’s body and in contact with her genitals is now rubbing up on yours?

Or maybe you just like to feel pretty sometimes and most underwear made for men just doesn’t do the job.

Once you can put those feelings into words, you’ll be better able to explain the why of it all to your partner. If you can do that, you’ll have a better chance of at least getting her to understand why you enjoy it, even if it seems weird to her. Being able to break down the whys and wherefores tends to make it less “weird” and uncomfortable, even if they don’t share the interest or arousal.

The important thing to remember is that whether this is a paraphilia doesn’t make it less acceptable than if it’s just about appreciating different cuts, fabrics or aesthetics. Something giving us a sexy little thrill doesn’t make it more or less legitimate, even if it’s not part of the standard issue package of human sexuality.

Assuming that you’re not getting off on forcing folks to be aware of your wearing women’s underwear and you’re not stealing women’s panties, then doing some secret perving isn’t harming anyone – any more than folks quietly grooving on seeing women in sundresses or appreciating a guy rolling up his sleeves to show off his slutty forearms or opening a few buttons on his shirt to expose some chest hair.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that’s not really about my relationship but about one I’ve been dragged into. 

I work in a medium-to-small-sized department of a large corporation. Because we have a certain level of independence and separation from the rest of the company, we have our own culture of sorts – we’re not all close friends or know the intimate details of each other’s lives outside of the office or anything, but a lot of us are friendly and hang out together outside of work. I mention this because it will be relevant in a moment.

Recently, “James” was transferred to our department from another one. James is one of those guys who comes off a little cocky, a little too aggressively “cool” in some ways but otherwise seems like a decent guy – always friendly, supportive, a good worker and so on. He’s more social and more outgoing than a lot of my co-workers, so he can feel like a lot to most of the department – except for me. I was glad to have someone else to take the role of designated “department extrovert”, as well as potentially someone who wouldn’t head home after one post-work beer when I’m hoping to hang out longer. In fact, it was one of those post-work beers that caused the problem.

A few of us went to our local after work and invited James to join us. For reference, the bar we usually hang out at isn’t necessarily a meat market, but it’s a pretty social and active scene. I mention this because as our other co-workers were heading home, James and I noticed a couple of women from across the bar who seemed to be unaccompanied and also looking over at us. James decided that we should go talk to them and I, having been single for a while, thought this was a good idea. 

This was all well and good. We were having a good conversation with the women, they clearly seemed to like us and “Marie”, the woman I was talking to, pulled me aside to ask about James – what’s he like, is he a good guy, that sort of thing. I answered honestly that he’d become one of the guys in my department that I hung out with regularly and while I hadn’t known him for all that long, yes, he was a pretty decent guy so far as I knew. I’m a little slow on the uptake sometimes, so I wasn’t sure what was going on and thought that maybe Marie was actually interested in James. She goes over to her friend “Cheryl”, pulls her aside for a second and they have a brief but apparently intense conversation. Then Marie comes back over to me and James and Cheryl leave together. Marie and I chat until she points out that Cheryl had the car, so would I be willing to give her a lift home. I agree, I drop Marie off and head back to my place. I get a text from James that said “thanks man, appreciate it”. 

Next day at work, I ask James how things went and learn that yes, he and Cheryl hooked up back at her place, and he thanks me again and says “you can be my wingman any time…” because I guess he thinks we’re Maverick and Iceman or something. I’m happy enough to have helped a friend get laid, did my good deed for the week, maybe karma will smile on me now.

Fast forward two months later, my department has hit a pretty significant milestone and against all odds, we hit it early and somewhat under budget. Management is thrilled and arranges a private event for us to celebrate. A detail that will be relevant in a moment is that we’re all allowed to bring a plus-one. I’m there with Marie, and James arrives with a woman I’ve never seen before. She introduces herself as James’s girlfriend and over the course of the evening, we find that she and James have been together for two years now. This is new information to me. In all of our conversations, and his hooking up with Cheryl that night I told you about, I had every reason to think that James was single, though looking back at it I don’t know if he ever actually said he was or wasn’t. Maybe I missed it? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t, and at the time I wasn’t going to check with others for obvious reasons.

Regardless, Marie is visibly upset at both of us and makes an excuse to leave. I am too busy trying to manage Marie suddenly being mad at me to really grasp what has happened but over the course of the next couple of days involving very angry text chains and a lot of apologizing and swearing up and down I had no idea, I come to understand that James has been seeing Cheryl somewhat regularly and Cheryl has no idea he’s got a girlfriend. I finally convince Marie that I was ignorant of this, although she’s still upset, since she doesn’t see how I couldn’t have known that he had a girlfriend. 

So, to make a long story short, I accidentally helped my friend cheat on his girlfriend and I’m not sure what to do here. Marie feels, and I have to agree, that I’m somewhat responsible since I vouched for him. She says Cheryl wouldn’t have gone home with him if I hadn’t. I don’t know how much I am to blame for this but I’m also not sure what to do about it. James and I haven’t talked, partially because work has been intense in the last couple of weeks, and partially because I don’t know what to say. I’m really pissed at James for making me complicit in his cheating and for being the cause of the mess in my relationship because of it. I need some advice on what to do now. Do I confront him over this? Do I go directly to his girlfriend and tell her? I assume she doesn’t know. How responsible am I and how do I fix things? 

Help?

Accessory To The Crime

DEAR ACCESSORY TO THE CRIME: Ok, ATTC, under other circumstances, I’d say that you keep your nose out of this. Most of the time, when you (the generic “you”, not you specifically, ATTC) discover that someone you know may be cheating, the only smart move is to not get involved. You don’t know the circumstances of their relationship or what’s going on behind closed doors and most of the time, you can’t be 100% sure that what you’re seeing isn’t perfectly normal or innocent. Plus, depending on your relationship to the person cheating or being cheated on, getting involved usually ends up creating unnecessary drama and can result in someone metaphorically shooting the messenger.

Of course, that all goes out the window when you were a critical part of said cheating. This isn’t just you stumbling across incriminating information or seeing someone having some sort of intimate moment with another person who isn’t their partner. You and James were out having a guy’s night and you helped facilitate his going home with Cheryl. That means you’re directly involved in this affair.

But please notice very carefully that I said “involved”, not “complicit”. I doubt that he’s such a cartoon villain that he planned this deliberately and with malice aforethought, but even under the most generous interpretation of events, he allowed you to believe something that wasn’t true and used that when it was convenient for him. That is a f--ked-up thing to do to someone, and doubly so to a friend and co-worker.

By the same token, I think Marie is upset – quite reasonably – because of how her friend’s been hurt and some of that is splashing back on you. That part isn’t necessarily fair. It’s understandable – we’re rarely perfectly rational when someone’s f--ked over our friends and we’re angry about it – but not fair. 

Yes, you may have been a key factor in that fatal instant where things could’ve gone either way – he goes home with Cheryl or he goes home alone – but you were acting in good faith. You, not unreasonably, assumed that James was single and free to hook up with whomever he chose. James, on the other hand, deliberately deceived you. He may not have said he was in a long-term and apparently monogamous relationship, but he sure as hell allowed you to believe it. At the very least, this wasn’t just lying by omission, he was actively misleading you. Worse, he put you in a position where you ended up misleading two other people, which is extremely not cool. You were a victim of his s--tty behavior and choices, not an accomplice. Certainly not a witting one. 

(I hesitate to call it “lying”, since you sincerely believed you were telling the truth, and James certainly never gave you reason to think otherwise.)

So, if I’m being honest here: while you were involved in Cheryl being hurt by all of this, I don’t think you were at fault here. This is entirely James’s doing; he lied to Cheryl, he’s presumably lying to his girlfriend and he seems to be blithely unaware – or unconcerned – about the position this has put you in and what it’s done to your relationship with Marie.

Should you have known? How could you have? Yes, I suppose an argument could be made that maybe you could have inquired about whether James was actually single or not, but frankly that’s more a matter of hindsight being 20/20 rather than a failure on your part. It’s not unreasonable to assume that James would’ve mentioned the existence of a girlfriend at some point and his behavior that night would lead most folks to think otherwise. I think someone has to be looking very hard for reasons to be upset at you if they were going to blame you for not pointedly asking “hey, you’re not about to cheat on a partner I don’t know about, are you?”

So what do you do about this? First, I think it would be worth apologizing to Cheryl. Yeah, you’re not at fault here – again, you had no idea and no reasonable way of knowing �– but it happened and you were involved. I think it’s worth telling her that you’re sorry, that James had lied to you too and you would never have been party to this if you’d known. Don’t make the apology about you – James lied to you both, but she’s the more injured party here – but do acknowledge her pain and your part in it.

Next, I’d say that you should confront James and tell him, to his face, that what he did was f--ked up and he needs to keep his distance from you from now on. Make it clear: you wouldn’t have been a part of this if you’d known that he had a girlfriend, and you are incredibly pissed at how his bulls--t move meant that you were involved in hurting people, and it has caused problems in your relationship.

I’d also suggest that maybe you should talk to your direct report and mention that you and James aren’t going to be able to work together. You don’t have to say why, nor do you have to see about transferring out of the department or trying to get James transferred. Life will be a lot easier and considerably more peaceful for everyone if you two don’t get thrown together on projects after he’s screwed you like this.

What I wouldn’t suggest is talking to his girlfriend. For one thing, you have no idea what she knows or doesn’t know. Maybe she knows that Cheryl exists but not the dirty details. Maybe she’s completely ignorant of all of this; the last thing you want is to not only have facilitated his cheating but also be the one who delivers the news to the person he cheated on. You’re already far too involved in this, which is the entire problem. Going to her – someone, I must stress, you don’t actually know – is only going to entrench you even deeper in this mess and you neither want nor need that.

Now, it’s your call as to whether you mention any of this to your coworkers. If James starts cozying up to one of them, they may be at risk of finding themselves in the same position you were. But on the other hand, you’re not the spirit of vengeance nor the swift hand of karmic retribution; you’re a guy who got dragooned into this bulls--t against his will. Better to wall yourself off from James’s drama and bulls--t behavior than to continue to be a character in this narrative.

It sucks you got pulled into this, and I hope Marie realizes that your involvement was not by choice. Tell James to get f--ked and put as much distance between you as you can.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m from the UK. I’m almost 30, and a virgin. I’m terrified of commitment, sex and have tanked every potential relationship I’ve ever had.

This is because I figured out I wasn’t attracted to the other person, but mostly because I self-sabotage a LOT as partially I don’t think I’m worthy of a relationship.

I also have no frame of reference for how a relationship is meant to work. I’ve never had a relationship, so how am I meant to do and say what may work?

Being all cutesy and inexperienced may fly when you’re young and attractive, but I’m at the age where it’s becoming a problem now.

I’ve got good friends, but they’re not really the type who could introduce me to women, classical nerds even though they’re partnered up.

I work from home and barely leave the house.

I wasted my university years in my room on the Internet, and with other sexless male nerds like myself.

I was of the opinion that computer science students didn’t socialise with people on other courses/degrees, I was playing to the nerd stereotype as it was all I knew.

So I enforced bad hygiene, poor personal grooming, limited diet, limited social graces, insular interests, feeble physical fitness and not branching out and talking to women. That was a mistake.

That was many years ago, and the lessons that I picked up took years to even partially outgrow.

Truthfully, it’s all my fault. Nobody made me live like a glorified hermit.

I used many scapegoats to go and blame for my low station in life, but I didn’t want to see the man in the mirror. University dropouts find love and success and sex, the jobless and homeless and underemployed the same.

My job is barely above entry level, I had to fight like hell for it and I am going to lose it soon, part restructuring, part my own failings.

I worked a string of crappy jobs after dropping out of university, which killed my self-confidence.

There’s been an emptiness inside of me since I was about 23 that I haven’t been able to fill. I used to self-medicate by labelling myself a failure and a dropout and using that to limit my options.

That at least gave me an identity. I have no identity now; I haven’t had one for a few years.

Where do I even go from here? I have very little idea, personally.

Thanks,

Nerd Archetype

DEAR NERD ARCHETYPE: I think we could sum up this entire email and my reply into two sentences:

“Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I do this!” 

“Well, stop doing that.”  

I mean, I’m not entirely sure what you’re asking me for, because the answer is literally in your message: all the things you’ve been doing for years? Stop doing that and – in most cases – do the exact opposite. Stop hermiting up in your room and avoiding all social contact. Stop inventing scapegoats and bulls--t reasons to not do things and actually go out and do them. Start practicing good hygiene, improve your diet, clean your apartment, go outside and touch grass and get a little sunshine while you’re at it. Quit waiting for your job to vanish like a fart in the wind and start the quest for the next one – or even pick up a part-time job that can help provide some cushion for when your current one goes poof. Hell, you could even go back to university and complete your degree, so you won’t be a dropout any more.

These are all pretty self-evident choices, but it seems like you’re struggling to actually make them because you’ve been so invested in being a loser that you’re afraid to stop. What you’re doing right now – asking me what to do next, for example – is an attempt to give yourself the illusion of progress while not actually making any changes. You’re telling yourself that you can’t move on to the next steps without having a plan in place and so you need to make plans. And then you’ll need to do more research into how to make those plans. Except then you’ll want to be sure that those are the right plans, so you’ll need to check and double check and triple check and do more research and ask more questions and you know what isn’t happening? 

Anything else. 

You’re spinning your wheels as fast as you can and saying that you’re going to get somewhere eventually, but not moving in the slightest and asking why things aren’t changing. They’re not changing because you know what you need to do, you’re just not doing it. It may be helpful to ask why you’re not, but I think we can both agree that it’s coming down to “change is scary”. And hey, it absolutely can be. But while change may be scary, you already know with certainty that your current situation is making you miserable. So unless you’re determined to stick with certain misery instead of being willing to take the chances you need to make things better, you need to actually do it.

You can make all the plans you want, but at a certain point you have to just hold your nose and jump. And you’re well past that point, because now you’re making plans for the sake of making plans, as though those plans are going to change things. It’s just a security blanket that gives you permission to not do anything until you can do it “right”, and it will never be “right”. There will always be something you don’t know or haven’t accounted for or couldn’t possibly expect. You’re going to make mistakes and screw up, because a lot of what you want to do, you’ll be doing for the first time and you won’t know what you’re doing. You can watch every episode Forged in Fire and Great British Bake Off and still not know how to be a blacksmith or make a Victoria sponge. All the study in the world doesn’t translate to competency if you haven’t actually done the thing.

Are you going to do it badly? Yeah, probably. You’re not used to talking to women, but you’re not going to get better until you actually go out and talk to them. The same goes for relationships: nobody knows how to have a relationship until they have them. We can look to others – parents, peers, friends, family – for clues or role models, but at the end of the day, we all come to our first relationship ignorant and learn through experience. We do everything badly the first time, precisely because we’ve never done it before. Even prodigies have to practice and gain experience.

But doing something badly is still better than not doing it at all; after all, as the sage says: sucking at something is the first step at being kinda good at it. You just have to be willing to embrace the suck, to learn from your inevitable mistakes and keep at it. That’s how learning and improving is done!

But none of that can happen until you do it. You need to stop delaying and just do. You already know what needs to be done. If you’re looking for permission to start, well here it is: you’ve done all the planning, now get started. Your new and better life is out there waiting… but you need to go embrace it. You can’t do that when you’re locking yourself in your room and avoiding contact with anyone.

You don’t “need” an identity. You just need to start. You’ll find your identity while you’re doing. But as I said: you have to do.

So, stop planning and start doing.

Good luck,

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com