DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 33 years old Indian male. I’m 6ft and have great muscular physique as I’ve been lifting weights consistently for the last 15 years.

I work from home doing something similar to trading markets. I never dated in my life or went out on any dates or even had sex with any girls that wasn’t an escort. I got into the habit of seeing escorts/prostitutes from an early age of say 18.

Been seeing escorts ever since then and probably had sex with over 100 really good-looking women in this way. I’m only attracted to white women so all the escorts I had sex with were white. Some were attracted to me as I have great muscular physique and tall.

But I get down a lot as I’ve never dated or had sex with any girl that wasn’t an escort. There is no social validation that comes from having sex with escorts even if you are good at sex, good looking and some escorts find you very attractive.

I don’t go to bars and clubs as I don’t drink and I don’t like party scene. Unfortunately, online dating doesn’t work for me despite being 6ft and having a more muscular physique than 99% of men. As I believe this is because I’m only sexually attracted to white women and I am brown.

Most people date within their own race and this is more prevalent with online dating. It gets me down a lot as when I look at couples often the guy is short, has no muscles, etc. and I deem the man to be inferior to me.

I am narcissistic which probably developed from being socially isolated and alienated all my life and developing a me against the world mentality. It just seems that dating works best for white men in the whole, even men that are below average will do ok if they are white.

I’m 33, made 6 figures two years ago but last yr was in a bad mental state and didn’t do well. I’m just focusing now on building my finances well again over next few years. I am planning to try dating when I’m 35 or 36 but I don’t know how I will ever meet any white woman I’m attracted to start dating.

Tried going to salsa class in past but didn’t meet any girls I was attracted to there and don’t really like salsa. I go to the gym around 5 times a week and I enjoy lifting weights but it’s not exactly a social activity other than getting compliments from other men about how good my body is. Tried some yoga classes as well but there is no interaction there between genders and they have separate changing rooms and showers for men and women.

I still have the aim of becoming a millionaire by the time I’m 40 which is definitely an achievable goal, But it all seems empty if I will never even be able to find any dates.

Seems like I will be 39 years old in 6 yrs, millionaire lets say by then with still a great muscular physique, 6ft tall and still never find anyone most likely due to my race and skin colour.

I have gotten into spirituality recently and it does says that in Buddhism they believe all of life is suffering and that preferences is what causes suffering. So if you have no preferences and no way you want things to be, no likes and no dislikes you can never suffer in life.

Is still tough all the time when I see couples and very often the man is inferior to me. Seems like I have been excluded from even having a chance to date or have sex that I don’t have to pay for.

Shut Out and Shut Down

DEAR SHUT OUT AND SHUT DOWN There are times when I get a letter where I truly don’t know where to start.

OK, let’s start with something obvious: yeah, race plays a factor when it comes to dating, and South and East Asian men in particular have had centuries of incredibly racist propaganda and pop culture portraying them as effete and emasculated, as nerdy horny bumblers or otherwise unsexy in various ways, especially when it comes to trying to date white women. That sort of racism is going to present a significant head wind, particularly if you’re focused on online dating.

But as I’m often saying: difficult isn’t the same as “impossible”. 

I would, however, remind you that online dating sucks for pretty much everyone, since the apps are primarily designed these days to frustrate you and get you to pay to be less frustrated. It also doesn’t help when the male-to-female ratio is close to 70/30 on the more popular apps and, quite frankly, most men really suck at using the apps effectively. So, part of the problem is a skill issue.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about a couple other issues that need to be addressed if you want to have better results.

The first is, simply, you’re not actually giving yourself many opportunities to meet women, and when you are, you’re making it harder on yourself for no reason.

As a general rule, people tend to meet their partners through dating apps, through mutual friends, work, school or social settings. While percentages vary depending on how one frames the question or defines terms, a plurality-to-majority tend to meet in person, and almost always through shared commonalities – you work together, you have friends in common, you go to the same school and so on. These all make that initial connection easier, simply because you have those things in common; contrary to cliches and late 80s pop songs involving cartoon cats, opposites don’t attract. We like people who are similar to us; the more we have in common, the more we tend to like them. And – importantly – commonalities cover a lot of territory; it includes things like background, the region where you grew up, shared values, mutual interests and so on. If you’ve ever bonded with someone because you both had a great conversation about a topic you’re particularly into, you know precisely how this works.

You work from home, which already restricts the number of people you come into contact with, and which means you have to put in additional effort in order to go meet people. You don’t go to bars or clubs, which is fine – that’s not how most people meet their partners… but they often do meet at parties, usually because there’s an overlap in social circles that brings them together. So while the “party scene” may not necessarily be your thing, getting friends together on the regular or going to friends’ parties and celebrations will increase the number of people you’re meeting and who are more likely to have things in common with you.

After all, if our friends tend to be similar to us, then their other friends are likewise going to have a higher number of shared values, interests and backgrounds – increasing the likelihood that you and they would get along.

The power of similarity and shared commonalities also comes into play when meeting complete strangers at social events or classes. Part of why we talk about having hobbies and passions you pursue is that these give you opportunities to meet other people who have the same interests – including people who you may well want to date. But the important part is to pursue things you actually enjoy and to do them because you enjoy them, not because you’re horny and looking to hook up.

This is one of the reasons why you struck out at salsa and yoga; not only do you not enjoy those activities – which is going to put you in a less pleasant and agreeable mood – but these have become some of the cliches of modern dating. It’s hard to overstate how many women complain about men coming to dance classes or yoga, not because they want to learn how to dance or practice yoga, but to circle around all the women like horny sharks. The guys who do this are clearly only there to hit on women and inevitably make everyone uncomfortable. This means that women are less likely to want to talk to you and more likely to stop going entirely.

It gets worse when you clearly don’t enjoy the activity or the subject. Not only is that going to affect your mood – which will have a negative effect on meeting people – but it makes it that much more obvious that you’re there to treat it like a sex ATM and not a class. That’s going to take people who already have a reason to be defensive and help ensure that they aren’t going to talk to you more than they absolutely must.

That doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to meet women at dance classes or yoga or what-have-you; people do that all the time. The issue is that you are going about it in ways that stack up so many debuffs and disadvantages that you’re reducing your odds so much that I’m not sure science has numbers to calculate them.

Very few people, after all, start a relationship with someone they just met or only met very recently. Even when meeting on dating apps, there tends to be a lot of talking and feeling one another out before the first official “date” happens. If you have a tendency to come in hot, you’re going to be failing the vibe check long before you even get to the part of saying “hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you, can I give you my number?”

(Also, as a complete aside: you do realize that “many of these escorts were attracted to me” is functionally the same as “the stripper really likes me”, right? Sure, maybe you’re better looking than many of her clients, but you’re still a client and flattering the client’s ego is part of the job.)

But I think the biggest issue is that, as happens so frequently, you’re wrong about what’s important to women. You, like so many men who’ve written in, are focused on qualities that other men think are important because those are qualities that men admire. In fact, the thing that drives me nuts about your letter is you are so very close to having a profound realization, and you keep missing the point. You even say it multiple times: you keep seeing happy couples where the man is “inferior” to you, and yet somehow you keep trying to double down on what’s not working.

Have you considered that maybe, just maybe, you got this one wrong and need to change things up a little?

Yeah, race is a factor, but being white isn’t the trump card for everything else. These guys – these schlubby short kings who don’t have six figure bank accounts – aren’t with their wives and girlfriends because they’re white enough that the rest doesn’t matter. Those women are with them because those guys have qualities that women want, and as it turns out, that doesn’t mean height, muscles and money.

Is height attractive? Sure, lots of people like tall guys. But attractiveness isn’t the exclusive province of the tall. Internet Boyfriend Du Jour Pedro Pascal is 5’10”, and Oscar Isaac – last year’s model – is 5’9”; you would be hard pressed to find women who’d kick them out of bed because of some “you must be THIS tall to ride” sign by the door.

The same with being jacked as hell. While women are visual creatures too and can appreciate a fit guy, they aren’t going to care about or wax rhapsodic over an incredibly developed back and traps, nor comment on them… but men sure as hell will.

(Now, strong hands and forearms… wooooo nurse, that’ll get you places.)

And as for being a millionaire by 40… I mean, good luck and God speed, but the people who are going to care most about that are people who are interested in money or being kept in a particular lifestyle to which they intend to become accustomed. Most women are going to be more concerned that you’ve got your s--t together, you can cover your share of the bills and not wreck their credit rating.

In fact, women are going to care a lot more about a guy who’s kind, who actually likes them and who makes them laugh and feel good. This is why you’ll see dudes who look like rats who got exposed to radioactive waste and sell meth behind the Waffle House between shifts who have a wait list for women who want to bang them, while there’re a lot of guys who supposedly check all the boxes spending their weekends alone. Being rich is nice, but it ain’t gonna make up for a lack of chemistry or social skills. Neither will height or muscles. Or, for that matter, not being a self-proclaimed narcissist with a chip on his shoulder, complaining about “inferior” men.

(Also, you’re misinterpreting Buddhism and what desire being the cause of suffering is actually about, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Seriously, 90% of your problem comes down to “I am narcissistic which probably developed from being socially isolated and alienated all my life and developing a me against the world mentality.” These are the things you should be working on, because I can promise you, women can sense this on you. There’s a lot of entitlement and resentment that’s radiating off you like stink lines off a cartoon character. That’s gonna make sex vanish like it got Thanos-snapped out of existence, no matter how yoked you are.

Here’s the thing that you should know: all the sex-gettingest men I have met – who have had more partners than you’ve had hot dinners – have had in common: they genuinely like people. They’re fun to hang out with, they treat people well and folks enjoy their company. Some were fit, some were obese. Some were tall, some were 5’4” even in cowboy boots. Some were classically good looking and some had a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle. But while their charisma presented in different ways and their technique was as varied as the individuals themselves, they liked people. They were friendly, open and warm and rarely if ever lacked for a date on Saturday night.

If you want to do better with women, I suggest you make getting over that bitterness a priority while also working on developing your social skills. Otherwise, you’re going to have gym-sculpted muscles, a lovely penthouse with prime views and every sports car you ever dreamed of… and absolutely nobody to share it with.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am someone who has just about everything in his life figured out and I have great social skills.

However, it seems like most single girls nowadays have one and one only passion, traveling.

I have not traveled a lot in my life (once in Europe, 3 – 4 times in the US and 3 – 4 times in Canada). I do not mind the idea of traveling, but it is not the first thing I would do if you gave me options.

My question is the following; is traveling a requirement nowadays to even have a chance of dating successfully?

Thanks

There And Back Again

DEAR THERE AND BACK AGAIN:  I’m going to give you and my other readers a little inside-baseball information: I’m pulling your letter instead of saving it for one of my lightning-round columns because there’s actually more meat on this particular bone than just the immediately obvious “no, of course you don’t have to be well travelled in order to date.”

Instead, we’re going to dig into this a little, because there’re actually a few layers to this.

The first layer is less about traveling specifically, so much as about interests in general. People list their interests on their dating profiles because they’re an easy way to sort for compatibility. As I’ve said many times before: opposites don’t attract. We actually prefer people who are similar to us, and the more things we have in common, the more we tend to like one another.

Someone who likes traveling is more likely to want to date someone who also likes traveling, and is less likely to be interested in dating someone who’s more of a homebody. The same goes the other way; if you’re more of a hobbit than a Ranger or explorer, then you’re not as likely to be happy with someone who wants to travel. After all, adventures make one late for dinner and take you away from the comforts of home. It’s certainly possible for a jet-setter and a homebody to make it work, but it’s going to require more work to find a comfortable balance than if you’ve got two intrepid adventurers or two nesters.

But that’s where the second layer comes into it: it’s less about the experience so much as the interest. There’s a difference between being well-travelled and being a traveler. Someone who has done a lot of traveling – for work, for school, because you were in the military, etc. – isn’t automatically someone who actually likes traveling. You (the generic “you”, not you specifically, TABA) may have done it, but it wasn’t something you would’ve chosen if you had the option.

By the same token, someone may not have had the ability or opportunity to travel but absolutely would, if given the chance. Maybe they haven’t been able to afford it, they don’t have friends or family who want to travel and they don’t want to do it alone. Finding someone who also wants to travel and explore would be great for them; someone who could help show them the ropes might well be their ideal partner. And for the more experienced traveler, being able to take someone around and show them the world and take them to their favorite places can be an amazing experience. So in that sense, it’s not so much about having to have X number of stamps in your passport or pins in a map as it is about the desire to acquire them.

The third layer is that sometimes traveling isn’t about the activity, so much as what it represents. When someone makes a point about being into traveling, they’re often signaling that this is about of other aspects of themselves. It may be, for example, that they’re communicating that they’re a free-spirit, who lives moment to moment and likes to go on adventures at the drop of a hat. They’re someone who may decide that they want to go on a road trip and, oh, I dunno, visit every Meow Wolf in the United States.

(I highly recommend starting at the OG in Santa Fe, incidentally; it sets the tone and teaches you what to expect from the others, even if you have to backtrack to Houston from Vegas or Denver.)

Others may be making a subtle flex – talking about the exotic locales and luxurious resorts they stay in. This is as much about having both the freedom to travel and the resources to do so in style and comfort, as well as a hint at the sort of lifestyle potential partners could expect if they were in a relationship together.

Still others are sending a message about themselves – by emphasizing their interest in travel, they’re talking about how they’re worldly and cosmopolitan as they go on their own Grand Tour of Europe.

They may be signaling an interest in other cultures or broadening their perspective beyond the values and views of the culture and community they grew up in, taking a wider view of the world. Or they may signal that they’re adventurous and like to get off the beaten path as they hike over mountains or travel through rainforests.

And then there’s the fifth layer: it could well be something they put in their profile because they think they’re supposed to. While every woman doesn’t talk about loving to travel, it’s common enough that it’s a cliché like “long walks on the beach”; the sort of thing you include because it’s kind of expected.

So what does all this mean for you, TABA? Well, mostly it’s a sign to read for context and what it means to them. It’s an indication of something that has great meaning to them – what, precisely, is going to be a matter of what else they have to say and what else they choose to highlight.��For you, it’s a matter of deciding whether someone who loves traveling is someone you’d want to be in a relationship with. You don’t necessarily need to be an experienced traveler to date successfully – people who never leave the town where they were born date and get married all the time, after all. But, seeing as you don’t care for it, someone listing traveling as an interest in her dating profile may be a sign that they’re not someone who you’d want to date.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for your column–I have learned so much from your kind and thoughtful writing and I hope you can help me. Long story short, after a years-long friendship with a great man who is slightly on the autism spectrum, I realized I love him. I told him this in a very uncomplicated way. His reaction was to put his head down on the table and tell me he was not ready, can we put a pin in this discussion. He started telling me about a girlfriend he presumably had that he recently broke up with, several states away. He never once told me about this woman in all the years we have been friends, having long dinners together, even with my parents. Two days later, he came to my office and was all keyed up and would not sit down, saying he did something really stupid, that he called her again. I assume they are back together, if she even exists. But I am too hurt to ask more, and I also would not want to make a liar out of him if he made her up, which I strongly suspect. But he did say something that I do believe. He said “I value our friendship, and I’m no good at this, and would probably only mess it up.”

So, we have both worked hard to maintain our friends-only status for the past several months, but it is a real struggle for me. I very much want to stay friends because our friendship slowly grew over many years. He and I are college professors (different departments) and have a great deal in common, including being minorities in several ways. So, he is one of the only people in my small local community that I trust and can talk to. On this, he feels the same. I am four years older than him (he is 39 and I am 43) and I had figured that I was done with those kinds of feelings. To realize that I could have these feelings after two abusive relationships many years ago was a real revelation. One of his great points is, he had made friends with my father, who was a custodian at our college before retiring. How people treated my father was an important sign to me. This man also won over my mother, who is your ultimate cynic. They both like him. Neither of us has kids or financial complications or any other complications besides our social awkwardness. And I came to see him for the generous, creative, amazing man he is, even though not traditionally good looking, and of course a bit different, socially.

I also guess I was under the impression that we were both on the same quasi-romantic page, and that we were simply waiting for him to get tenured. Even though I really had to pluck my courage up to tell him my feelings, I also did not think he would crush my heart. I have not shared my hurt with him because I see no point. Sometimes I feel he rejected me simply because he is afraid. Other times I can only assume he just thinks I’m undesirable in that way. Talking to him about all these things is challenging, not only because talking about feelings is not his thing, but also because of our hectic schedules.

And also, a lot of our friendship now apparently has to be on his terms. That is, I really enjoy his company and want to spend more time with him. And perhaps to get some answers. But I cannot expect any more than what was our original friendship level of contact, can I? All of the websites say that to get over a guy, you have to do self-care, limit contact, etc. But even as friends, he just does not initiate with people, so that means I could run the risk of never seeing him again.

I also know that I could do some inner work to truly friend-zone him in my own mind, so that I feel no attraction to him. But the problem is that once I do such a thing, there would be no going back, without very hard work on his part, which I have doubts would happen based on how hard we had worked to be able to just talk to each other, period. Yet I have a gut feeling that one day, he might just be ready to go to the next level. In fact, I have made sure to keep the door open, letting him know that I would check in with him now and again, because people and feelings change. Given he has not ghosted me, and given how courtly he can be with me at times, I assume he is okay with this.

But as we start summer, I find that I want to spend more time with him. I will be finishing a leadership term and have free time coming. But he wants, and probably needs at his career stage, to spend time in the lab. This was okay in previous years because I’d just drop by his building and hang out. I had an easy excuse to go there too, because my director (essentially boss) was in the same building. But my director is moving on. And last time I went to his lab, I just did not feel welcome, which I know is 100% in my head.

So the problem is that I want/need to friend-zone this guy without friend-zoning him in a way where I have zero attraction to him, rendering any future chance impossible. Is there a way to do such a thing?

Totally Surprised

DEAR TOTALLY SURPRISED: I empathize, TS; it sucks when you have feelings for someone, especially when you’ve had those feelings for a while, only to find out that they’re not into you the way that you’re into them. And I can understand how the mere fact that you have those feelings feels incredibly revelatory, even miraculous, considering that you’ve been through a series of abusive relationships. It’s great that you’ve managed to keep the callus off your soul and still be open to love. So the fact that he doesn’t return your feelings? Yeah, that’s gonna hurt.

But what makes it worse is when you’re not willing to accept it. Not fully. I’m a big believer in keeping hope alive, but there comes a point where it’s not hope so much as an attempt to deny what’s plainly in front of you.

Seriously. I get that he’s special to you and you have strong feelings. But, like a lot of people with Oneitis, your issue is that your feelings aren’t about him, but about what he represents. I get that he represents romantic possibility for you – that you can still love and want to be loved and have a relationship despite the abuse you went through. I get that he represents safety, especially compared to the previous men in your life. And honestly, that’s all great! But you’re not realizing that this isn’t about him. All of these things that he’s brought out in you – your capacity to love and want to be loved, the realization that good and safe men exist in this world – are about you! They’re signs of what you are still capable of, about how the abuse hasn’t broken you! That’s amazing! You should celebrate that!

But that doesn’t mean that he is your dream man, just the man who helped you realize these things. You’ve reached a point where you’re not holding out hope for him but the person you want him to be. You’ve built up your vision of who he is and what you have together, and you’ve run headlong into the conflict between what’s a fantasy and what’s real.

As much as I hate to say it, this seems to be a long-running issue between you and him, where you’re making a lot of assumptions that aren’t in evidence and shifting things around in your head to justify those assumptions. You never once spoke about your feelings for him until very recently, yet you were working under the belief that he also felt the same way and was just waiting for the right time to reveal them. That’s a great set up for a slow-burn romance novel set in academia, but it’s a recipe for easily avoided heartbreak in the real world. As a general rule, it’s a bad idea to pin your hopes on unspoken expectations, in no small part because you have no real idea whether the other person shares those expectations. This is why I keep telling people that they need to use their words, even when doing so feels like taking a risk; if you haven’t actually talked about it, you can’t be sure you’re actually on the same page.

And then, well… something like this happens. You had this dream – a very understandable, very relatable dream – and you wanted it to be true. Like a lot of people, you were apparently reading the tea leaves and seeing what you hoped to see and were rounding a close friendship up to love. But the problem is: it was always just that: a dream.

Even now, you seem to be unwilling to actually accept this. I know you never believed he’d crush your heart… and he hasn’t! He just doesn’t share your feelings. The strength of your emotions isn’t a sign of the strength of his, nor are they a contract between the two off you. They don’t obligate him to love you back, no matter how much you wish he would. But caring for him and wanting him to continue to be an important person in your life does mean that you have to accept what he says and let this go. All you’re doing now is setting up a series of excuses that you can point to as reasons why you should still hold out hope.��Let’s take the part about how he’s never mentioned his girlfriend to you prior to revealing it when you confessed your feelings. You keep suggesting that maybe she doesn’t actually exist, as though that means something relevant to your situation. While I can easily see a number of reasons why someone – especially someone who’s autistic – may not have mentioned the existence of a girlfriend, whether she’s real or imaginary is ultimately irrelevant. ��If she is real, then the fact that he’s still in a “break-up-get-back-together” cycle with her means that he’s not in a great place to be dating in the first place and he’s self-aware enough to know this. But even if she’s 100% fictional, that doesn’t change things. Her theoretical existence isn’t the impediment to a romance with you; the fact that he doesn’t want that kind of relationship with you is.

His inventing a girlfriend just means that he’s trying to soften the blow so that it doesn’t feel as harsh. It’s a socially plausible reason why you can’t date – it’s not that you’re undesirable or that he doesn’t like you, it’s simply cold, cruel fate and bad timing, oh well, nothing to be done, let’s just be friends.

None of this is to say that he doesn’t love you – just not in the way that you wish he did. He values your friendship, he thinks you’re very special and important to him, and he doesn’t want to date you. That stings, I know. Nobody likes hearing that, especially from folks we have feelings for. But you don’t have to like it. You just have to accept it. And you aren’t. And that’s a problem.

I mean, we get to the end of your letter and you’re talking about how you’re still holding out hope that if you just stick with it for long enough, his feelings will change. That gut feeling you’re talking about? That’s not your intuition, that’s wishful thinking and the willingness to disregard what the world is telling you. It’s great to trust your gut, but only if your gut is actually trustworthy, and considering the evidence thus far, I think it’s safe to say that it is not. Your gut told you that you and he were going to get together after he got tenure after all.

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but at the end of the day, you need to just accept things for how they are and stop trying to build this permission structure justify not accepting it. It doesn’t matter why he doesn’t want to date you – whether he’s afraid, or not into you like that or what. You don’t need answers, because you already have them, you just don’t like them, and you’re hoping that if you ask the question juuuuust right, you’ll get different ones.

And you won’t. You’re holding onto this feeling that there’s some way you can turn this around – some switch you can flip or thing you can change. There isn’t. The only thing that needs to happen is that you need to give yourself closure and let yourself move on.

That doesn’t mean that you have to cut him out of your life, nor does it mean that you can’t be friends. It does, however, mean you have to stop making assumptions. You’re assuming things based on your expectations and beliefs, not on actual facts or even things he’s said. Has he said he’s holding open the possibility of dating? No. So don’t assume it for him. If he hasn’t said the words, then you have to take it for granted that that’s not how he’s feeling. Especially since your gut feelings have not been accurate.

Let this go. Let yourself mourn the end of a dream, but realize that’s all you’re mourning. He’s still your friend. You’re still his friend. You still have the capacity for love and for hope and for dreams of the future. It won’t be with him, that’s all. The sooner you’re ready to face that, the sooner you’ll find that love… with your best friend by your side, offering you his support.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com