DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 44-year-old, straight female virgin with both the curse and blessing of being young at heart. I’m one of those fat chicks who look pretty much the same from puberty till old age, which with fat filling out your wrinkles takes longer than most people. My junior high and high school pictures look like a dumpy 30-year-old already. Back when everyone else my age was at their hottest and skinniest, I was naturally overlooked and rejected. So I threw myself into nerdy hobbies and daydreaming and did my best to make an independent life for myself and not think too much about dating, partnered sex or loneliness. The fact I never wanted kids – I’m way too lazy and selfish, I like being able to spend all my spare time and money on fun stuff – made this easier.

Now I still look like a dumpy 30-year-old, which is terrible for 18, but pretty good for 44, when so many of those hot skinny girly-girls I felt so inferior to have had kids, gained weight, cut their hair, and just generally stopped caring. In the past few years, I’ve actually been asked out several times. The problem is it’s always divorced guys in their 40’s and 50’s. And this is going to make me sound absolutely awful, but… whenever a guy in my actual appropriate age range approaches or appears to be checking me out, I feel the same “Ew, creepy old man!” reaction as when I was in my teens or 20’s. It’s like not being married or having kids and having youthful hobbies really has kept me mentally and emotionally young. I feel like I’m still about 20-25 inside, and this means I naturally feel like guys in their 20’s, maybe early 30’s if they still look good, are my matches even when they objectively aren’t. I felt devastated recently when my secret crush, a cute 28-year-old male coworker, called me his “work mom.” When here I’d been fantasizing for the past 2 years about him asking me out! I smiled and said I loved being his work mom, but inside I was crying.

I know how unrealistic it is that a guy like that would ever date me. I know younger men are less likely to go for older women to begin with, and then I’m not the kind of older woman they want. I’m not a glamorous cougar…on top of being fat I’m dorky and low-maintenance. I get by on my own, but I’m in no position to be the one with the money in a relationship. I still rent and my car is a s--tbox. I’m not even the confident, experienced erotic teacher some innocent, unconfident young guy might want…I’d need him to teach me!

If I want to experience love in this lifetime – a hope I thought I’d given up long ago, but now find rekindling – I know I need to look at guys my own age. But how do I reprogram my brain from this thing where as soon as a guy gets a beer belly, goes gray or starts losing his hair and grows a beard to make up for it, he goes into dad/authority figure/not sexy territory for me? A month ago I was asked out by the owner of a repair company I’d used. My friends are still screaming at me for turning him down. He’s a really nice, funny guy, he makes good money, he’s not even bad-looking for his age. But he is a portly bald man I’d guess is in his early 50’s, and it skeeved me to think of kissing or getting naked with him just as much as it would have when I was 20.

I know online dating might help me cast the net wider. But I’m so introverted and lazy to begin with, it’s hard to motivate myself to try when based on my real-life interactions, the guys I’m into see me as an unsexy mother figure, and I see the guys who are into me as unsexy father figures. Should I just conclude I’ve been alone this long, I might as well go the distance? Or is it actually possible to overcome this, and date a guy my age without feeling like I’m being creeped on by an “older” man?

Sincerely,

Forever 21

DEAR FOREVER 21: You know, F21, I can relate on the “I’m still young in my head!” But then my back goes to hell because my pillow was slightly too high while I was sleeping and people under the age of 30 look like they should still be getting birthday club offers from the local pizza chain.

My point being: I get the seeming dichotomy between one’s mental conception of themselves and the physical reality that says otherwise. Age may be in the mind, but your joints have their own opinions on the matter, and they tend to be a lot louder about it.

Sometimes literally. Especially when sitting down.

The issue here isn’t about an inability to find a relationship; as you point out, you’ve had lots of men asking you out – men who are actually age-appropriate for you! The problem is… well, you’ve kind of trained yourself into not wanting age-appropriate men.

And it is training, to a certain extent, the same as it is when men tend to pursue much younger partners; while youth comes with certain advantages with regards to having children, a lot of the desire for younger partners tends to be more acculturation than any sort of unconscious biological imperative. We, as a culture, have a tendency to lionize youth (when we’re not actively insulting them for acting young) as not just the height of beauty and desirability but as the only time when some things are even possible, and signs of age get treated almost like moral failings or fundamental flaws. Men, admittedly, have greater “allowance” to age and still be seen as desirable (in no small part because men tend to be the folks in charge of the media that perpetuates these messages) but youth still gets equated with aesthetics and virility.

So it seems to me that part of the problem is more about unpicking this particular knot in your head than being undesirable.

But before we get into how to start working on changing your mindset about more age-appropriate partners, there’re a couple things that need to happen.

The first is, simply, that you need to stop dragging yourself down. I know you think you’re just being honest or realistic, but the way you describe yourself and, by extension, the way you see yourself is part of the problem. The fact that you emphasize looking more mature as a negative is a great place to start; that “I look like I’m older than I am” attitude you were holding as a teenager is part of what’s set this negative feedback loop in your brain. You spent a lot of time saying “older = ugly = bad” along with “ugly = older”, and it seems like it was as much about yourself as it was about dirty old men who’re hitting on women half their age (or more).

Just as with the men who run themselves down for being “too ugly” to date, you want to change how you describe yourself and – importantly – how you treat yourself. A lot of the time, when we define ourselves as being unattractive, we treat ourselves accordingly – we dress for functionality rather than in ways we feel like make us look good, we carry ourselves in ways that broadcast a lack of confidence, our body language is less assured, less welcoming and more closed off, and so on. But attractiveness is as much in one’s attitude and mind as it is one’s facial features; if you treat yourself like you’re attractive, you tend to feel it. When you feel it, you’re more likely to see it and also to act like it… which other people respond to. So not bagging on yourself by describing yourself as “dumpy” or “inexperienced” is a big part of it… as is not using “older” as a negative.

Honestly, this is a time when I’d suggest more of a “MILF” framing for yourself, even though you’re not a mother. It’s not about the technical definitions, it’s about how you carry yourself, your attitude and the energy you choose to give off You can be that glamorous cougar, if you so choose, even if you think you’re not the “right” shape. Sensuality and sexuality is in the attitude, not necessarily in someone’s experience level. Getting in touch with your erotic side and knowing what you’re into and what gets you off and embracing it gives a hell of a boost to your sense of attractiveness, even when you’re a virgin. The overall attitude – embracing your age as part of your sexuality and the overall lack-of-f--ks that often comes with hitting middle age – is going to help meeting people in general and with reprogramming your outlook so that you’re not squicked out by people in your age range. Everything is a lot easier when you’re not pre-rejecting yourself with an attitude of “it’s ok if you don’t want to date me; I wouldn’t date me either.”

(And it may also help with some of the younger dudes who catch your eye. Just sayin’.)

While you’re doing that, I think it’d be helpful to do some deep dives into why you were seeing older men as being a big pile of yuck. Sure, some of it was the importance of youth, but how much more of it was because these were guys looking for younger, less experienced (and thus presumably less wary) partners? Was that disgust reaction you developed equally split between appearance and their inappropriateness? Or was the majority of it aimed at the obviousness of how they wanted someone they thought would put up with their s--t, when a woman their own age wouldn’t? Or, for that matter, their desire for a pretty decorative thing to prop up their ego, rather than an actual person and partner with agency?

I suspect that the “this guy is looking for someone pretty and compliant” was a bigger part of the reaction – and for good reason! A lot of the older men who want someone significantly younger than them tend to be looking for an ego prop instead of a person and that’s understandably going to give people the ick. But one of the quirks of the human psyche is that we tend to start with how we feel and justify the why of it afterwards. It’s easier to retroactively justify those feelings by going back and saying “look at that!” and treat physical qualities as being reflective of someone’s inner self.

The thing is: while that’s a helpful reaction when you’re younger, it isn’t necessarily meeting your needs now. What was creepy and squicky when you were a teenager is very different when you’re in your 40s, and so you’re still engaging in a form of self-protection that isn’t necessary any longer, but it still lingers.

So when you have this atavistic response you’re having to men your age flirting with you, you want to ask yourself if this is how you actually feel, or if it’s how you’ve taught yourself to feel? Is it because you’re still feeling that “ewww, you’re a predatory old man!”? If that’s the case, it can be worth taking a moment and asking if you’re actually getting that vibe from them, or if you’re just expecting to get it. Are they actually unattractive to you, or are you reacting to that initial feeling and finding reasons to justify it?

And if you’re not sure, see if you can put that initial feeling aside for a moment and try to look at him with less judgmental eyes. If you push past that initial sense of recoil and continue talking to him, what happens? Do you find that maybe your knee jerk reaction was incorrect? Are there aspects of them that are actually kind of appealing? Maybe he’s got a mischievous twinkle to his eyes or an infectious grin. Maybe those hands are a little more sensual and intriguing than you thought at first.

Or maybe they’re not. That’s fair too! Some people just aren’t attractive to us for one reason or another that’s through no fault of their own. They just don’t have whatever x-factor we need to be turned on by them and that’s ok. Not everyone’s going to be appealing to us.

Another thing that you may want to do is pay attention to the sorts of things you pay attention to when you’re in the mood to watch pretty people doing pretty things. As I said: a lot of culture focuses on the young, but maybe spending a little time with some older heartthrobs might help reframe some things for you. Maybe some George Clooney or Jeff Goldblum in proper silver-fox mode will do it for you. Titus Welliver might be your particular flavor of yum. You don’t need to be strapped into a chair while people do the Ludovico Technique to you while showing you endless episodes of The Golden Bachelor, but exposing yourself to people who are closer to your age who are being displayed as some prime salt-and-pepper goodness can help carve a new groove in your brain.

But very little of this is going to matter if you don’t start with how you see yourself, first. You want to be your own biggest fan and hype person, the person who’s telling you “you are a hot piece of ass, now go out there and get yourself someone who’s actually worthy of you!” instead of “well, here’s to hoping someone’s willing to tolerate us.” If not, it doesn’t matter whether you’re on the apps or meeting people in person; you’re going to have a hard time motivating yourself to actually put in the effort and you’re not going to believe the people who are interested.

Once you can see yourself as a tasty snack, you increase the odds that someone’s going to want to take a bite. Especially someone you might nibble on.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Well I don’t really know how to start this, but for some backstory me and my girlfriend have been together since we were 13. I’m 18 now. Through those 5 years, we’ve had many ups and downs. I made a lot of mistakes early on in the relationship that she probably should have broken up with me for. I don’t think she’s ever fully forgiven me for them.

Since then, our relationship became very isolated and controlling. Now I have almost no social life at all. I don’t have a single friend other than my brother, my girlfriend doesn’t properly trust me, she questions everything I do and everywhere I go. She has complete control of my phone basically.

So anyways for the last year. I’ve felt lost and alone for a long time, even though we spent every day together and she did/does make me happy and probably is one of the only people to have ever truly known me. I’ve kept having this feeling like I need to leave. It’s not constant, but the longer I’ve stayed the louder that voice gets. I keep trying to shut it out, I don’t know why though. Maybe out of guilt or the feeling of hurting her or because I’m scared ill regret it.

I keep trying to change little things about myself to make it work but I don’t think it is working. I think I just want to feel alive again? Or free. I don’t know if you’ll reply to me or not but I just needed to express the way I feel. I feel lost and I don’t know if I should leave or keep trying to make it work.

I’m scared man.

Time To Stay Or Time To Go?

DEAR TIME TO STAY OR TIME TO GO: Oh man, TTSOTTG, I’m glad you’ve reached out, because I’ve got some things to teach you that I wish folks had told me when I was starting to date.

The first thing to understand: relationships are double opt-in – that is, everyone has to agree to be in one, but one person can decide to end the relationship at any time and for any reason. The reasons don’t have to be “good” to be valid or legitimate; you could decide to break up with someone simply because you don’t like the color of their hair, and they could break up with you because they prefer people who wear a different style of underwear.

Are those silly or shallow? Sure. But that’s not the point. The important part is that the only reason you need to end a relationship is that you want to end it; what other people think about your reasons ultimately don’t matter. They can have opinions, but they don’t get a vote. This includes the person you’re in a relationship with. If you want to be single again, you can be. They don’t get to veto your decision, nor do they have to agree with it.

The second thing I want you to understand: a relationship where you feel trapped, restricted or scared to be open and honest is not good. Relationships are built on mutual affection, mutual respect, and mutual trust. If trust or respect aren’t there, that’s not a good relationship. You say that you made some mistakes early in the relationship. Ok. You don’t mention what they are, but honestly? Mistakes happen, especially when you’re young and inexperienced and oh man, TTSOTTG you are so very young. At 13, you barely know who you are; relationships are as much fumbling around in the dark and trying to figure things out together. Some mistakes are emphatically worse than others, to be sure… and some aren’t actually mistakes.

But mistakes that your partner can’t or won’t forgive you over? Those are reasons to break up. If they don’t break up over them, but they also won’t forgive you for? That’s a bad sign. If you (the general “you”, not you specifically, TTGOTTS) break someone’s trust, that’s bad. But if there’s no way for you (again, the general “you”) to earn their trust back or prove your trustworthiness… that’s bad too. That’s a relationship that should end. If someone can’t or won’t forgive you, and instead holds your sins as leverage against you, then it’s time for you to pull the eject lever and get out. That’s not cool of them, it’s not healthy, and it’s only going to get worse as time goes by. Holding it over your head and giving you no way of earning forgiveness or proving your trustworthiness is just punishment for punishment’s sake.

I bring all this up because, frankly, your girlfriend’s behavior is very, very worrying, and you shouldn’t be putting up with it. This is the third thing to learn: strong boundaries make for strong relationships. And part of having boundaries involves being willing to draw lines and say “I won’t put up with this”, “I won’t accept it when people make demands like this” and “I won’t keep people in my life if they treat me this way.” It also means that you have to enforce them. If you say “I won’t accept these behaviors from people”, then part of that is that you don’t keep people who behave like that in your life. You can give them a chance to correct their ways, sure… but if they won’t, then you have to be willing to follow through. You break up with them, you tell them to go away, and you refuse to have anything to do with them.

But it’s the enforcement part – the willingness to accept the consequences – that’s what makes a boundary a boundary. You may not want to break up with them, you may not want to have a fight over that issue… but if you want to have and maintain a boundary, then you also have to accept that it means you need to enforce them, even when it makes other people upset. Even when it means ending a relationship. If someone consistently behaves in ways you say that you won’t accept and you stick around, even after you’ve said “stop”? Then you don’t have a boundary, you have a suggestion. And not even a particularly strongly worded one. It tells people that your boundaries don’t mean anything – they’re a token protest that they’re free to ignore. And to be clear: you can set whatever boundaries you want, where you want. People may think it’s unfair, but again: they can think what they want, but they don’t get a vote. If they don’t like where you’ve drawn a line, they’re welcome to go find people who haven’t drawn that same line.

And here’s something vitally important that folks often forget: boundaries are about what you will do if people behave a certain way, not about what other people have to do for you. Boundaries aren’t about saying “other people have to do this”, it’s about saying “I will not put up with people who do this”. It’s about you, not them. If you have, for example, an issue with smoking and won’t date someone who smokes, then dating a smoker and demanding they quit isn’t about enforcing a boundary. That’s about trying to control them. If smoking is so awful that you couldn’t date someone who does it, then it’s better to not date them in the first place, rather than insist that they change because you said so.

So if your girlfriend tells you that she has a boundary around personal privacy and so she gets full and unfettered access to your phone, internet search history and a detailed report of every single thing you do and people you talk to… that’s not a boundary. That’s her making demands. She can say she won’t date someone who won’t let her have full access to his phone, but she can’t start dating you and then say “now give me your passcode or else.”  

Here’s the thing: everyone has a right to privacy, even from people they’re dating. Even when you’ve been dating them for years. Hell, even if you’ve been married for decades, you have a right to autonomy and to restrict what aspects they get access to. You have every right to have conversations your partner isn’t privy to, friendships that don’t involve them, interactions, interests, thoughts or desires that they don’t have an inherent right to know about. If you don’t want people going through your texts and reading your conversations with friends, that’s entirely your right. It doesn’t matter whether you have something to hide or whether things are entirely on the up and up; your right to privacy isn’t conditional, nor does wanting privacy mean you’re doing something untoward. 

If I seem like I’m harping on the privacy thing, it’s because it’s one I see come up a lot, especially with young people and people without much relationship experience. And to be perfectly blunt, it’s behavior that’s incredibly toxic under the best of circumstances. It’d be one thing if two people decide they’re going to pursue a path of radical openness and honesty together. They’ve both consented to doing this and – ideally – talked about what it means and how it works for them. But that’s a very different thing than unilaterally declaring that nobody has a right to privacy in a relationship or that one person must give the other full access. It’s not a universal rule, nor should people treat it like one, and anyone who makes a demand like that is someone who isn’t fit to be in a relationship; it’s a very big, very f--king red flag.

Especially if it only goes one way.��Your partner – whether your current girlfriend or anyone you date in the future – can demand that you give them full and unrestricted access to all aspects of your life all they like. You’re under no obligation to do so and are, in fact, free to tell them to take a flying f--k at a rolling donut. If they insist, try to guilt or manipulate you into doing so or otherwise try to force you to comply? Then it’s time to kick them to the curb like last week’s compost, because they’re showing you all sorts of warning signs.

Which is precisely why my advice for you is to end this relationship, TTGOTTS. It’s not healthy under the best of circumstances, and your girlfriend’s behavior comes worryingly close to abuse. The fact that your girlfriend has “complete control” of your phone? That’s bad. Isolating you and questioning everything you do? That’s also bad. These are all red flags, signs that something is rotten in Denmark, and hallmarks of a toxic or even abusive relationship.

Maybe she has a hard time trusting you… but if that’s the case, then why is she still with you? If she can’t trust you, then the answer is to end the relationship, not to demand you acquiesce to her every whim or desire. If she can’t or won’t trust you, then you two have no business being in a relationship. If she can’t forgive you for whatever mistakes you made – and considering you were 13, I have to wonder how bad those mistakes could actually have been – then, again, she has no business being in a relationship with you. And even if you were a horrible person who did unforgivable things… well, then she still shouldn’t be in a relationship with you.

And if you didn’t do unforgivable things, then it’s all the worse. Either she has no sense of actual propriety and proportion – which disqualifies her from dating until she figures it out – or she’s using those as an excuse to hurt you, and you should be dumping her so hard her grandparents divorce retroactively.   

Here’s the fourth thing for you to know: the length of time you’ve been together isn’t a reason to stay in a bad relationship. Similarly, the fact that things were good in the past doesn’t change that things are bad now. It’s great that she made you happy – past tense – but that doesn’t excuse how she treats you now. The fact that you spent this much time together doesn’t make toxic behavior acceptable. The fact that she knows you better than anyone – so far – doesn’t mean that you have to put up with abuse. And trying to shove feelings away doesn’t make them go away. Especially when that feeling is that they make you feel scared or awful.

Here’s the fifth thing: break ups are never easy, even when they need to happen. But staying in a relationship that isn’t working – even if it’s not as bad as your situation – out of a fear of hurting someone when you leave them isn’t doing them any favors. Even in different circumstances – where your partner hasn’t done anything wrong, but the relationship just isn’t working for you – staying around when you actually want to go will actually hurt worse. If you stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in and hide the fact that you actually want to break up with them but you’re afraid to, then it just makes the inevitable break up that much more painful. When they realize just how long you’ve been trying to work up the desire to end things, it retroactively changes that time together; now instead of happy memories, they have to sit with the knowledge that when they thought everything was great, you were dying to go. That’s a horrible thing to do to someone.

Break ups always involve a measure of pain; that part’s unavoidable. The key is to avoid unnecessary pain. The quick, clean break is the one that heals the fastest. Dragging it out when there’s no need just makes the healing take longer.

And when it’s a situation like yours, where their behavior is harming you? The longer you stay, the more harm they get to do. Maybe you’ll regret ending it – I doubt it, but anything is possible. But I will guarantee you this: you will regret letting her hurt you for longer, far more than you’ll regret breaking up with her. The sooner you end things, the sooner you can heal. And the sooner you can heal, the sooner you’ll be ready for a healthy relationship, with someone who doesn’t treat you like this.

Do yourself a favor, possibly one of the biggest favors you can give yourself. First: change all of your passwords. Your password to get into your phone and your computer, your email accounts, your socials, all of it. Now. Before you even finish reading this. RIGHT NOW. If she could access it via your phone, change the password.

Then, after you lock her out of everything, you break up with her. No hemming, no hawing, no explaining or justifying it. Keep the break up like a knife: short and to the point. You say “we’re over, here’s your stuff back, goodbye.” There’s nothing to discuss, nor do you need to explain things. All she needs to know is that you two have broken up. She is welcome to think you’re the bad guy here; that’s her prerogative. Yours is to take care of yourself, and that means ending this relationship, for good.

Normally I’m a believer that in a long-term relationship, you owe your partner the dignity of breaking up with them face to face if at all possible. That doesn’t apply when you’re dealing with a toxic or abusive relationship, especially if they’re capable of pushing you into backing down. Your priority is your own emotional and physical safety; if it’ll be easier for you to do it over text or over email, then do it. Again: other people don’t get to veto your break up based on how you did it. They can think you did it badly or disrespectfully, but they don’t get a vote on how.

As soon as you’re done telling her it’s over – which, again, should be a matter of minutes at most, if you do it properly – you block her number, her email address and every way she has of getting in touch with you. The point is very simple: you are removing her access to you – in how she can get in contact with you, in what she gets to know about you, everything. You are ending all ties with her and giving yourself a clean break.

Once you’re done… then it’s time to cry, to grieve, to feel the pain of it all and to heal. Give your brother a heads up that you’re going to need his love and support while you’re going through this; you’re going to want Team You to have your back.

It’ll take some time before you feel ok again and that’s fine. You may not feel ready to date, to trust someone in the ways you need to trust them to be in a relationship with them for a while. Again, that’s fine. You’re going to need time to recover and to heal. If you’re going to college, I highly recommend you take advantage of the student health services; they almost always have counselors and mental health resources available for you.

As you heal, start to rebuild your life. Your girlfriend isolated you from friends and family; take time to reconnect with old friends and to make new ones. It may be slow going and that’s ok. But just remember: even slow progress is progress. Every day you build your new life is going to be a better day than the one before.

I know you’re scared. This is a scary time, and I don’t blame you at all. You’re stronger than you realize, and you will get through this. You’ve got the strength and the courage to take care of yourself. And I want you to understand this above all else: you will be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 27-year-old man working as a Quantitative researcher at a high-frequency trading firm. On paper, my life checks all the boxes: I’ve got a high-status, high-income job, making well into the mid-high 6 figure range; I’m 6’1″, fit, and decently good-looking. I’m socially confident, well-spoken, and naturally charismatic. I have no trouble getting dates or casual relationships, and I move in impressive social and professional circles. Most people who meet me assume I have it all together.

But under the surface, I’m incredibly lonely.

Despite being surrounded by people and attention, I struggle to form emotional connections. My relationships — romantic or otherwise — often feel transactional. I frequently get the sense that people are more interested in what I can do for them than in who I actually am. Whether it’s networking access, career advice, or social status, it often feels like I’m just a means to an end.

It’s deeply unfulfilling.

I long for relationships with genuine emotional depth—ones where I’m valued not for what I represent or provide, but for who I am. But increasingly, I feel isolated. Vulnerability doesn’t come easily, and when I do try to open up, I often feel like I’m met with surface-level empathy or performative support rather than real understanding.

I am not even talking about romantic relationships in particular; even having a single friend with whom I connect would make me extremely grateful.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I know I’m lucky in many ways. But emotional intimacy feels like something I can’t buy, earn, or charm my way into — and it’s the one thing I want the most.

Successful but Starving

DEAR SUCCESSFUL BUT STARVING: You’re right, SBS: you can’t buy, charm or “earn” your way into emotional intimacy. That’s not how that works. Emotional intimacy is part of connecting with another person on a level that goes beyond what you can do for them or a value-for-value equitable exchange.

I think part of the problem is that you’re doing the same thing that a lot of guys do – in fact, something that I talked about very recently: you’re conflating what represents and grants social status with what people want in a relationship. I can’t help but notice that – again, like many folks in a similar position to yours – that you describe your appeal entirely in materialistic terms, right before you complain that all your relationships are surface level and transactional.

It’s great that you’ve got a high-paying job in finance, and I’m sure it does your ego good to move in such rarified circles. You’ve got the sizzle, sure, but where’s the steak? Where’s the substance to go with the flash? People don’t make friends with folks who “tick all the right boxes”, because people don’t make friends via math and spreadsheets. A six-figure income is great and all, but that’s not what actually makes you a desirable partner or friend… at least with folks who aren’t entirely focused on money or stock tips.

I’m asking this sincerely: what about you would make you a good friend to another person? Part of what makes people want to build relationships with us is what’s known as the “Reward Theory of Attraction” – we prioritize our relationships with people whose presence make us feel good and whose company we enjoy. This is part of why humor, for example, is a valued quality in a potential romantic partner. Not only does a good sense of humor imply emotional and social intelligence and empathy, but making people laugh spurs production of dopamine and oxytocin – hormones that hit the pleasure centers of the brain. People who make us laugh make us feel good, and we want to be with them more than with people who don’t make us feel good.

Hence, I’m asking you: what are the qualities – qualities that aren’t surface level charm, appearance or money – you have that would make someone want to spend time with you outside of a work context? Are you someone who’s fun to hang out with? Can you make people laugh or feel good when they’re around you?

After all, relationships – both platonic and romantic – are about connection. They’re about how we feel when we’re with people, about what they bring to our lives that goes beyond just commerce and transaction. They’re about shared values and interests, community and support. Without those at the foundation… well, you end up with the shallow connections you’ve already got.

So far, the qualities you’ve shared have been materialistic; it’s not really surprising that the connections you’ve made have been about what you can do for other people. So prioritizing less materialist qualities and characteristics and emphasizing soft skills will go a long way towards finding people who might be friends, rather than folks looking for favors or advantages.

Just as importantly, though is that I’m not sure you fully understand what you’re asking for and what you’re offering. One thing I notice is that you don’t seem as though you get what vulnerability actually is, how to actually be vulnerable, and when to do so. Being vulnerable with someone isn’t just about telling them your problems. It’s not just about “hey, I’m having a hard time” and asking for help or reassurance – especially if these are folks you don’t have much of a connection with. If they’re relative strangers or co-workers that you don’t get personal with on other levels, then I’m not surprised you’re getting a reaction of “that’s rough, buddy”.  

Being honest when you’re struggling or having a hard time with something is part of being vulnerable, sure… but it’s not the only thing. Vulnerability is about being open and honest with folks, even when doing so leaves you open to judgement or worse. It’s about not being afraid of being your authentic self or being sincere with people, even if it might make you look corny, foolish or cringe.��Are you able, for example, to talk about your hobbies without feeling like you have to apologize for them or explain why it’s ok to do things that aren’t “cool” or that have social cachet in the communities you spend time in? Do you feel like you have to justify aspects of yourself that other people might think are dorky or weird, or can you say �– to pull a random example – “Yeah, I adore the work of Andrew Lloyd Webber, especially his less successful stuff like Whistle Down the Wind or Bombay Dreams!” Do you feel like you have to maintain a constant façade to fit in with your co-workers and potential friends, or can you say “I love the things I love and I don’t care if you think they’re stupid?”

Another thing to consider is that vulnerability isn’t an all-or-nothing thing. It’s not a binary of “the floodgates are open” and “shut tighter than an agoraphobic clam”. We all have different levels of intimacy with people in our lives, and how much access people get to us is dependent on the strength and depth of our connection with them. Close family members and best friends get a greater level of access than, say, the guys hang out with watching the game at the bar, who get more access than co-workers that you’re on friendly terms with but aren’t actually your friends. We give people more access to us and our inner lives as those relationships grow and our connections become stronger and they show that they are folks we would want to give greater access to us.

But to get there, you have to start with the weaker ties and less-significant connections and build up from there. And that, I suspect is part of where you’re struggling.

What do you have going on in your life that would be a bonding point for you and a potential friend? Do you have anything in your life that isn’t about business, productivity or self-improvement? Do you have hobbies that you indulge in just because they make you happy? Or do you – like a lot of guys – see downtime as a waste if you’re not constantly on some upward trajectory? Are you out and about taking photos of interesting buildings in your city, just because they look neat, or are you focused on your rise-and-grind morning routine? Do you put together Legos for fun, or would that take away from reading Marcus Aurelius and maximizing your gains at the gym? Do you read anything that isn’t about work, business or otherwise related to getting an edge in life?

These are all a big part of actually having friends and a community: having interests and experiences in common that you can bond over. I can’t tell you how many friendships I’ve had over the years that started because we were geeking out over b-movies, rock producers, books and 80s cartoons. I have life-long friendships that started because we were all fans of the same authors and others that came about because we all were working in comics and loved to talk about the medium. Those initial moments of shared interests and mutual passions were what let us connect on deeper and more personal levels over time.

My advice for you is to do a little self-exploration and dig into what you have going for you that isn’t just about work, money or your appearance. What are your passions in life, what do you care about that gets you up in the morning and makes you glad to be alive? What sorts of things do you do to feed your soul? If you don’t have many that aren’t all about maximizing your productivity or being more competitive in business, then it’s time to cultivate those interests. Maybe it’s time to take some painting classes or learning how to play a musical instrument or finding some other outlet for creative expression. Maybe there’re some things you were into as a kid that fell by the wayside over the years; now’s as good a time as any to pick them back up again. Having things you care about and enjoy give you things to talk about and bond with over with people who also enjoy them.

Similarly, focus on what you can do for other people that would make them feel good. It may help to think in terms of love languages – acts of service or giving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time spent together could all give you a starting point to find the ways you would be a good friend to others.

Then start with embracing weak ties – finding people you are acquainted with and who you generally get along with, and spending time with them in social settings. It takes time to build the sorts of connections and emotional ties that bring us from strangers to acquaintances, and from acquaintances to friends; starting with folks you already kinda now helps speed things along. As you get to know them and as you get closer, you can give them greater access to you without worrying about over-sharing.

And as I said: open up and embrace vulnerability by being unashamed at loving the things you love or valuing the things you do. Worry less about being “cool” and more about being authentic to who you are at your core and find others who are equally as comfortable with being authentic. That sort of sincerity will win you more hearts than ticking all the boxes that say “this person is a winner at life”.

It takes time, it takes self-awareness, and it’s going to take practice. But if you can turn the same level of dedication that got you your high-status job and six figure salary towards your social life… you’ll be just fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com