DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read this message. I’m currently a junior in college, and in February, my two best friends ended their friendship with me. Allow me to provide some context:

Firstly, I am 21, and nonbinary. These two friends, I will call them A and B, are both male, 21– however, all of us are transgender, so I feel it is important to note that we were all socialized as women.

We all met during our freshman year of college – we had been assigned as roommates in the dorms, and we hit it off from there. We became a little trio, though there was always a slight imbalance in which I was not liked as much as the other two liked each other – a lot of excluding, mean comments, etc. With hindsight, I don’t really blame them for this behavior. I was very insecure, and I was often very clingy/needy, always asking to hang out or be included. I treated them like I had known them longer than just a year, so I definitely crossed boundaries in this way, and I most likely missed some very important social cues (this comes back later).

Then, at the end of my freshman year, friend A, the one I directly shared a room with, asked if we could kiss. I said yes, and this began a FWB situation that lasted about 2 months. Eventually, I caught real feelings, and I had a conversation with him admitting this, and saying that if he did not feel the same, I wanted to end what we were doing. He did not feel the same, and thus we stopped doing it.

After this, he immediately got into a relationship with a girl, I will call her C, and admittedly, it hurt me a lot, even if there wasn’t really anything he did wrong. I felt like I had been thrown away, and we could never fully talk about the situation as he had moved on and it felt taboo to discuss it, so I held on to a lot of feelings. Again, in hindsight, that’s my bad for feeling that way. I know that very well.

Being unable to talk to A, I reached out to B about the situation. I remember saying that I felt it was unfair, that I felt confused and lost because I was a virgin and he wasn’t, and that I was incredibly regretful of everything. B was understanding, and was there for me. I appreciated that. He was also mad at A for the time for separate reasons, so that may have influenced the situation.

Me and A got into a big argument shortly after, as 1. I was still upset about the situation, and 2. I was mad that he was hurting B. We ended up working through it, though I don’t think we talked enough in debt to truly let go of resentment. This was a common pattern in both my friendships with A and B, and I don’t doubt it’s my fault – I was raised in a bad home situation, and I was taught to set my own feelings aside to take care of others, so I tend to be quick to an apology instead of defending myself, leading to miscommunication or me taking too much responsibility for a situation.

Things were okay for the next couple of years, but last year, in August, I got into a situation with B. He went out of state with his boyfriend to a powwow, which was such an important experience for him. We had a really wonderful conversation about it. But at the same time, he was getting drunk every night and texting/calling us. Nothing malicious or weird, but I have a history of alcoholics in my family, so the general situation made me super uncomfortable. Friend A wasn’t a big fan of it either, so we both acted kinda off when he came back. Eventually, friend A talked to him, and they were ok. I then talked to him about this on two separate situations, telling him about my discomfort and why. It seemed like we were ok.

Things were then fine, but friend B was starting to grow distant from our friend group, as he felt disconnected after that event. He also had switched majors, so we ended up seeing him less and less. I tried to reach out to him still and plan hangouts, but he’s always not been the best at keeping up over text, and tended to flake a lot from hangouts. Again, not a bad thing! I was just insecure, and took so much personally.

At this time, I was spending a lot more time with A. We had the same classes and major, so we basically did everything together. We even did one of our finals together.

However, during this time, he had met a new girl that he developed a crush on. for context, C ended up cheating on him and being a horrible person who lied about her entire life, and we all cut her off, but it left so much damage on both of us (I was very close with C, even before they started dating), so I feel we leaned too much on each other during this time, and boundaries were once again very muddled.

He started talking to the new girl, D, and she would visit him often at the coffee shop he worked at for a free drink. I usually would stop by before my shift at work, as we worked in the same town, and one day we bumped into each other. He then introduced us, and we started talking outside of this, with her initiating all of the conversations. She tried to invite me out a lot, but I didn’t want to overstep, so I would always decline her offers.

One day in the car, I commented on her music taste, saying jokingly that “I approve”, to which he got angry at, saying he didn’t need my approval. I was surprised by this response, so I asked about it, and we got into a conversation where he stated he did not want me to talk to D anymore, as he wanted her as a friend to himself. I understood this, as we had been hanging out a lot, and I understood that he needed a life outside of me.

About a week later, me and all of my friends had a friendsgiving party, and A invited D. she ended up talking to me often throughout the night, and I knew that A was super pissed off, and I totally understand that. I didn’t know how to get out of conversations, though.

After this, A went to me and said we need to take a break, that he didn’t like how I was acting and he needed to think about things. I was ok with this, as I needed a break too – he was treating me increasingly rudely and strangely, which, once more, I totally understand in hindsight.

During this time, A and B had a conversation about me, and the FWB situation got brought up. B told A that I said A took advantage of me, which wasn’t true. However, at the time, I couldn’t remember the day clearly, and so I took this as truth and apologized for it. In the end, though, he could not forgive me (I never tried to reexplain the situation) and I’m sure my past with him didn’t help. My friendship with him then ended.

As for B, he ended his friendship with me through text, saying that I manipulated my girlfriend into not liking him (she just drifted apart from B when they switched majors, there was never any ill feelings), and that I was stereotyping him as a Hispanic person for being upset about his drinking.

Here I am now, almost 3 months later, now in therapy, and with new friends. A and B ended up cutting off our whole friend group, so I am still friends with some of the people I’ve known since freshman year, including my girlfriend. They keep telling me that I’m not a bad person, that they mistreated me, that I didn’t deserve being cut off like that. I just can’t believe that to be true. I keep trying to convince them that it was my fault, but they won’t believe me. It makes me scared that I’m in with the wrong crowd.

As me and A are in the same major, I see him in all of my classes, which has been hard. He has talked about me to other people, and it has led to strangers threatening me online, as well as many distancing themselves. I can’t really blame them, but I don’t know what to do to redeem myself. I’m making new friends who aren’t involved with our mutual friends whatsoever, but I feel like I’m living a lie because I do not feel that I deserve these good people in my life.

I know that A and B are living a good, fun life apart from me through mutual friends and what A says in class, and I feel like I am just stagnant and unhappy. I’m working incredibly hard with therapy and friends to pick up the pieces of my life and become a better person, but I’m ostracized and haunted in my school. It’s very small, only about 900 people at the college, so word spreads.

I just want to know what I can do to attain peace of mind for my last year here. All of this came from my people pleasing behaviors, as I was too afraid of hard conversations or to truly be myself. It led to so many misunderstandings, and I’m fully aware of the damage I’ve done here. I’m more sad that I didn’t wake up sooner to save my friendships. I’m just stuck in cycles of shame that are making it hard to move on and learn to live for myself. I’ve been a horrible person, and I just want to release all of the pain so that I can continue on with new lessons learned. How do I do it?

I’m The Villain

DEAR I’M THE VILLAIN: There ain’t no drama like college friend group drama because the college friend group drama just metastasizes and becomes malignant and ends up lingering for months and years because folks never seem to understand that they can break up with or dump s--tty friends the same as they can romantic partners…

And look, I’m saying this as someone who’s sophomore year social circle actually had an honest-to-God arbitration session to deal with everyone’s petty bulls--t: this is more drama than an off-Broadway theater. And honestly? Most of it wasn’t your fault.

I know you’re determined to believe that you were the reason all this s--t happened and why everyone fell out with one another, and I know you’ve already rejected it when your friends told you that this wasn’t your fault but… you’re taking on responsibility that isn’t yours and assigning yourself blame that you don’t actually deserve.

Could you have handled some things better? Sure… but that’s pretty much true of everyone, always. Nobody’s going to be perfect, especially when you’re all dealing with hurt feelings, everyone’s individual damage and the sort of aggressive defensiveness that comes from feeling like you (the general “you”, not you specifically, ITV) can’t actually make a meaningful difference about the things that are real problems so instead you lash out at people you can affect. Which usually means people who are much weaker than whomever is actually hurting you.

Some of the issues here are things that would fall under the Geek Social Fallacies, and some are insecurities paired with a… let’s call it a more idealized vision of how relationships work. And some are just other people not dealing with their own damage.

(And this is before we get into what sounds suspiciously like folks using therapy-speak and social justice language to shift blame and guilt whenever they needed to make someone else the bad guy…)

What it isn’t, is 100% your fault. Or even 50%. Or 33.3333%, really. You’re taking blame for things that could only be your fault if you had cosmic awareness that gave you nigh-omniscient knowledge about everything affecting the situation. And since you aren’t Mar-Vell or Norin Radd or Adam Warlock, I think you can be forgiven for not being the all-knowing, all-seeing being you seem to think you should’ve been.

Let’s take the initial imbalance you mention, where A and B were closer with one another than with you. That’s just how s--t shakes out sometimes. Nobody divides their attention or affection for people perfectly equally; that’s just not how people work or possible to achieve. What we can do and should strive for is to express it share it equitably, so that folks don’t feel left out or excluded. But part of what you need to remember is that that level of attention or closeness also isn’t static or fixed; in fact, it can shift and change a lot. Sometimes you’re closer with one person in the friend group, at other times, you’re closer with another. That doesn’t mean that anyone did anything wrong, it just means that things change as circumstances and experiences do.

In fact, you’ve seen this happen yourself; you felt like you weren’t as equally liked the way that A & B liked each other, but then you and A had a FWB relationship going on that excluded B. This doesn’t mean that you were doing this to be cruel or because you disliked B; it just was how things were shaking out between the two of you. Then, when that ended, you and B became closer as A was having his own drama. That doesn’t mean that anyone did anything wrong by being closer or by feeling less included. It sounds like there was some envy going on, sure, but that’s very different.

You’re also blaming yourself for having goddamn feelings – feelings that were entirely reasonable, considering the circumstances. You caught feelings for a dude you were hooking up with and when they didn’t return those feelings, you felt sad and disappointed. After you two ended things and he started dating someone else, you felt hurt because the person you had feelings for was dating someone else. Why, HOW DARE YOU? HAVE YOU NO DECENCY?

Oh wait, no, you were having a perfectly normal and understandable reaction. Yes, you agreed to end things because he didn’t feel the way for you that you felt for him but that doesn’t mean that you’re not allowed to have a sad about it. The same goes for blaming yourself for – hang on, I’m going to check my notes here – not talking things through or having some sort of struggle session with him about your feelings afterwards? I don’t know precisely how magical you think an exit interview would have been but this doesn’t make you a villain for feeling sad and hurt.

The same thing applies to failing to have the sort of dialogue that magically solves all resentments and feeling ill-used. Leaving aside that you don’t live in a cozy coffeeshop AU fanfic, if conflict resolution and emotional catharsis was that easy, couples counseling and therapy wouldn’t exist. It’s not your fault that you weren’t able to do what the human race has not been able to do since homo sapiens came out of the savannah, and honestly, I kind of feel like whatever TikToker or Tumblr account that convinced you that it was needs to be staked out over an anthill.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but expecting that your emotions are going to be reasonable and logical and should perform in specific ways is unrealistic at best and beating yourself up for not being able to turn them off and be fine with things only leads to you making yourself feel worse about things.

Ask me how I know. Go on, ask me…

The real problem here is that you’re taking the blame for s--t that is demonstrably not your fault, nor for things that you could reasonably be blamed for. Feeling weird because your friend is getting hammered regularly and drunk-dialing you, for example, is not some violation of Friend Code. Doubly so when you already have a fraught history with alcohol abuse in the family. That’s you having an understandable response to a situation that can be uncomfortable on its own, but gets harder because it touches onto actual trauma in your past.

Where it gets egregious, however is that you’re blaming yourself for times when A and B were both severely out of pocket. A doesn’t have the right to tell you who you can or can’t be friends with, even if he’s dating them. He’s not D’s keeper, and saying “I don’t like her being friends with you, so you have to stop” is a great big f--king red flag.

Let’s leave aside that A has no authority to declare who you are or aren’t “allowed” to be friends with, nor have you signed some contract that stipulates limits on your behavior or whatever. Dictating who “gets” to be friends with his girlfriend, especially since D clearly had different feelings on the subject, is wildly out of line. Controlling who “gets” to be friends with someone is one of the warning signs in an abusive relationship for a reason.

Just as importantly though: A doesn’t get a say in who you are or aren’t friends with, any more than he gets to dictate who D is friends with, and being friends with D isn’t violating a boundary. If someone says “you aren’t allowed to do X”, that’s not them setting a boundary, that’s them trying to control you. A boundary is “I’m not going to tolerate someone doing X”, and then if they continue to do X, for the person setting the boundary to extract themselves from that relationship. A boundary is what you will not put up with and the consequence is what you do about it.

You also aren’t responsible for other people’s misunderstandings or misrepresenting what you said. You seem to think you have – or should have – a greater level of control over other people than you actually do. Let me disabuse you of the notion that there is some way that you could explain s--t so perfectly and completely that there is no way that they could take it the wrong way. That does not exist under the best of circumstances and definitely doesn’t exist when other people are determined to not hear it in the first place. But this also assumes that your explaining it with perfect clarity and eliminating any possible misunderstanding will ensure that someone else will likewise explain it the same way. Again: you can’t control that, and especially when someone has their own f--ked up agenda. But even if A and B weren’t already well into bitch-eating-crackers mode to a toxic degree, you don’t have any control over how someone talks to another person when you aren’t there. If B got things wrong – whether maliciously or not �– that’s on him, not you for failing to put a spell on him that will ONLY allow him to tell the correct version.

And seeing as how B was blaming you for his girlfriend not liking him? Yeah, I’m not going to assume his motives were as pure as the driven snow.

I know you want to take the blame for this and you’re asking me to tell you that you’re right to take the blame for all of this but as near as I can tell, you’re only at fault for not getting clear of these two as fast as you f--king could. I mean for f--k’s sake, A is talking so much s--t about you that you’re getting threats from random people? WHY THE F--K DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS THEY HAVE A GOOD POINT?

Your current group of friends is correct: these two sound toxic as s--t and you are so much better off without them. And the fact that they’re telling you this means that you’ve already done what I would’ve told you: get better f--king friends.

Look, I’ve done the college thing, so I am here from the future to tell you that being put together in a room with folks your freshman year doesn’t mean that you’re chained to them like you’re in the Defiant Ones. Sometimes it works out and you become friends and stay friends. Sometimes they’re just someone you lived with for a bit and then you didn’t live with them anymore. You aren’t obligated to keep them in your life and doubly so if they turn out to be the drama equivalent of a dirty bomb.  

You are fine. Your ex-roommates are assholes and they deserve each other and you’re much better off without them.

If you really want to do some sort of penance, then here it is: delete TikTok from your phone, block it on your desktop and go to the student health services to talk to a counselor. You’re taking on blame for s--t that’s not your fault and accepting responsibility for things you didn’t do and that needs to change. That is your only real flaw here and you deserve better than what you got from them and what you’re getting from yourself.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m non-binary, bisexual, and in my late 40s. I’ve been into BDSM for most of my life, usually as a submissive, and had a few long-term kinky relationships, including an 11 year marriage.

The problem is that all my doms have been emotionally abusive at best, and the male ones were physically abusive as well. It seems like way too many dominants are looking for someone to treat badly.

Since my last domme several years ago, I’ve done a lot of work in therapy on how to set boundaries and not let people walk all over me. During that time, I’ve barely dated, on purpose, and have been almost entirely celibate. I needed that for me.

Now I know what I want: someone who is “bedroom only” for kink and will be my equal the rest of the time, and won’t demand I cater to their every whim. And I’m about to move to a new state, so I can meet new people who maybe aren’t jerks.

My question is this: how can I learn to trust someone again? I’m worried that even if I met the right person, who would treat me the way I want to be treated, I still wouldn’t be able to trust them because of my past experiences. I also worry I’ll ignore red flags like I did in the past.

Any advice? Thank you.

Kinky, But Wary

DEAR KINKY BUT WARY: I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You’re right: there are a lot of folks out there who use being a dom as cover for being controlling and abusive. God knows there’s been all sorts of ink spilled about s--t like doms who pressure their subs to not use their safe words or try to act like having limits or boundaries means you’re not a “true” sub and all the rest. Your worries are entirely reasonable and justified.

Fortunately, though, there’re are lots of doms who are responsible and caring, folks who welcome limits and boundaries and want their subs to nope out when they can’t handle something because the point isn’t control, it’s building something together.

Now, you’ve done a lot of work to get where you are and to understand what you want and where your limits are and that’s awesome. That’s huge and you should be proud of yourself for that. Your next step, when you’re ready, is to get comfortable with vetting and filtering out the assholes and abusers from the cool people who wanna spank you exactly the way you wanna be spanked and so on.

This is one of the reasons why I’m an advocate for vibe check dates when meeting people from the apps – even apps like Fetlife. Getting an opportunity to see if you and they click, when you know there’s going to be a hard cut-off time if things don’t work, helps save a lot of time and worry. So I’d recommend some non play-oriented vibe checks with potential partners, esp. if you’re not necessarily meeting them in the scene. And in the scene, going to munches and similar meetups can help give you some insight into who’s who and what’s what, that may help you decide who you might want to roll the dice on as a play partner.

Speaking of which: I know you probably know this already but there are a lot of customary and accepted actions in the kink scene to vet folks who you might want to play with. For one, you may want to start off with public play – doing scenes at play parties and events, where folks are going to be behaving (and there’re dungeon masters and others to ensure it) and see if you vibe. You can and should ask potential doms for references – who have they played with before and what will those folks say about them? If they don’t have any or get squirrelly about telling you about previous play partners… well, that’s a red flag.

Similarly, you can get at least a partial read on someone by how they respond to being denied; a lot of times, the way they act when they don’t get what they want or are inconvenienced in a small or inconsequential way is an example of how they’ll behave when they’re denied or refused something significant. This is why, f’rex, one of the better measures of someone’s character is how they treat service industry staff or people who don’t offer them some sort of advantage or opportunity; it’s a sign of how they are as a person, rather than when they’re trying to get something.

This includes laying out from the start how you see the relationship working and how any sort of power exchange or dom/sub dynamic is going to play out. Folding that into the ‘defining the relationship’ talk is going to give you some insight into whether they’re on the same page as you. If they balk or protest or try to tell you that you shouldn’t have this boundary or limit or expectation… well, it’s time to walk away.

Just as importantly though, you can let them earn your trust. One of the most important things to remember is that people don’t have to get full access to you automatically. I’m a big believer in deeds, not words, and how they behave over time is going to be vital. And one of the best ways that they can demonstrate that they’re trustworthy is to have limits to start and adjust those limits when they show you through their actions that they’re someone who will respect them. Relationships aren’t full-tilt boogie from the start; you can take things at a measured pace, as see how they behave and how they respond to your boundaries and wishes.

Boundaries, after all can be granular; you can allow someone this much access to you, until they’ve demonstrated to your satisfaction that you can trust them enough to allow them a little more.

By letting them show you that they’re trustworthy, you can give a little more access, a little more freedom until you feel like you’re ready and willing to give them the sort of access you’d want a partner to have. And the process can progress at the speed that works best for you. If it’s too slow for them… well, that mostly shows that they’re not a good match for you.

As for not ignoring red flags like you did before… well, here’s a question for you: do you understand why you overlooked those red flags? Do you remember the thought process that led you to decide that maybe they weren’t as red as you thought and do you think you can recognize when you’re having those thoughts again? If you know yourself well enough and know you’re self-aware enough to tell when you’re going down certain patterns of behavior, you’re in a better position to say “oh wait, I did this last time and that was bad, I shouldn’t let this keep going.”

Now to be sure: I’m a big believer in trusting your gut, but only if your gut is trustworthy. Sometimes it isn’t. But this is where having trusted friends whose judgement you can rely on come in handy. Being able to go to someone else and say “my Spidey-sense is tingling but I’m not sure…” and get a gut check from them can be helpful – both to reassure you that you’re right to be cautions or to reassure you that this is your Spidey-sense reacting to past trauma, not what’s right in front of you. After all, sometimes being treated well can feel “off” when you’re used to being abused by others. Having Team You on standby, ready to give you a second opinion can be invaluable, as well as a way to help fine tune and recalibrate your gut. 

The last thing I’ll say is to pay attention to your feelings – not just what you’re feeling, but what those feelings are saying. Are you feeling uncomfortable because something about this person’s behavior is reminding you of previous, toxic partners? Or are you feeling uncomfortable because this is something new and different and unusual to you… but not necessarily bad? Sometimes discomfort isn’t a warning sign so much as just a reaction to novelty and not being used to it yet. That doesn’t mean that you need to f--k everything and bounce, but it could mean “proceed with caution”, or it could mean “it’s feeling weird at the start but you’ll adjust quickly”, like diving into a cold pool on a hot day.

So trust yourself, KBW, rely on people you know you can trust for back-up, and give others the opportunity to earn your trust. You’ll find your balance and confidence again soon enough.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m a young adult (almost college age) who’s never dated before, and I need help figuring out this complex scenario between my friend and I. Here is the context: he’s a cishet man, I’m questioning but my current label is “aroace nonbinary trans man”. We met a few months ago and hit it off immediately. We’re also going to attend the same college. He didn’t know I was trans at first (I’m pre-trans and girlmode sometimes) but he’s okay with it.

I was questioning my romantic/sexual attraction when we first met, so I flirted with him and he seems to like it. I am pretty sure he is in love with me (he’s dropped hints), but he also knows I identify as aroace. Still, I feel more comfortable with him than anyone else. I have a LOT of weird qualities that he just accepts or understands.

I’m normally very afraid of touch, but I don’t mind touching him and have even held his hand. I have opened up to him about my mental illness, difficulty making friends, and body image issues, and it turns out he has similar problems. I am terrified of sex and rape (not totally sure why, I can’t remember being abused but maybe I have repressed memories or something), but he’s never made me feel uncomfortable or threatened in any way, or even ever brought up sex. Once I had a panic attack in front of him and he sweetly stayed with me and helped me calm down. We even went to prom together and had a blast. I really do love him and trust him, even though we haven’t known each other for long. He is an absolute angel and the connection is like nothing else.

I don’t know if my feelings for him are romantic or platonic, and I’m not sure if I’m aroace anymore. I do know that I am TERRIFIED and also unsure of my feelings: my brain just feels foggy when I try to think about it. I’m not sure about what I want to do in terms of specific activities, but when I held his hand, I did end up liking it and I want to do it again. I don’t know if I’m ready to date, but I don’t know if I want someone else to take him away from me, either. I wish I was more certain. I cherish our bond but don’t know how to label it.

I think it would also be too complex given that I’m queer and he’s not: he’s pretty understanding even if he doesn’t know a lot about queer people (I might be his only queer friend, lol). His parents are apparently LGBTQ-phobic, so I don’t wanna put any pressure on him. Plus, I don’t know if he would want to have sex/kiss/do anything else that sounds terrifying or uncomfortable to me. I’ve actually been the initiator most of the time: when I had a panic attack, I was the one who asked to hold his hand, and then we just kept doing that. He liked it. It really makes me wish I was a cishet girl because then I could be his ideal partner, but I don’t know if I want to sacrifice myself to be his. If I really wanted to, I don’t think I would be so scared. I also don’t know if I would have sex with him because I’m terrified of it (and I’m a virgin and also sex-repulsed). If I’m demiromantic after all, I would only consider doing it with him. He’s the only person I would do it with, but I’m scared and don’t like my body.

And another thing: I don’t know what to do about the public perception of us dating. When my friends heard I was going to prom with him, they asked if I had romantic feelings for him, and I said I’m aroace and he couldn’t have feelings for me because I’m a trans guy. One of my friends looked pretty disappointed: I think she wanted us to get together/knows he likes me. It makes me uncomfortable that other people want us to go in a specific direction when I don’t even know what I want! I’m already scared; I don’t want more pressure! I don’t want us to be perceived as dating yet, but then again, we did hold hands in front of everyone at prom and I didn’t mind…

What should I do? Do you think I have romantic attraction to him or not? What should I do about the sex stuff? What should I say to him? Is it possible to date? Should we stay platonic? A QPR? Why do I not want to be seen as dating him? Am I not ready? Am I too young to date? I feel too young! Do I even want this? Why am I so confused and scared? Please help!

Silly Little Guy

DEAR SILLY LITTLE GUY: I don’t blame you for feeling confused and scared, SLG; you’ve got a lot of complex feelings and worries going on that’ve gotten tangled up like a ball of horny snakes, and each of them seem like they directly contradict all the others. How the hell are you supposed to know anything about yourself when you’re feeling three mutually exclusive things before you’ve even had your coffee?

But honestly, I think that a lot of this is coming down to the tangle itself and the issue of labels, more than anything inherent to the situation. So let’s untangle this a bit, shall we?��Let’s start off with the simplest: you currently identify as being asexual and aromantic. Now, I say currently because – as you’ve noted – you’re having feelings that seem to contradict that label. That’s actually fine. Here’s the thing about labels, especially when it comes to your sexual identity: they’re descriptive, not prescriptive. That is, they aren’t restrictions, they’re short-hand that makes it easier to sum up this aspect of you at a glance. People are wildly complex and sometimes it can help to be able to give people a one- or two-word descriptor that can help them understand who you are and what you’re about. They aren’t necessarily going to explain everything perfectly and completely – as I said, people are incredibly complex – but it’s close enough for government work, especially when most people really only need the broad brushstrokes.

But the fact that you’ve applied this label to yourself doesn’t mean that you’re stuck with it forever, nor does it mean that your existence is entirely contained within it. People grow and change over time, and what’s a good fit for us at one time in our lives isn’t going to necessarily apply to us later on. This is especially true when it comes to sexuality. Sexuality is notorious for being a moving target, and one that rarely divides up into nice, neat, discrete categories. People start off identifying as bisexual or pansexual, only later to realize that they’re really more drawn to one gender or another and end up describing themselves as straight or gay. People who are exclusively attracted to one gender may find that there’s a specific person that they’re attracted to who isn’t that gender. And a lot of ace or aro folks find over time that they are, in fact, attracted to another person romantically or sexually.

In fact, there are a number of people who identify at first as ace or aro, in part because they are still working out their relationship to their sexuality and to themselves; it’s less that they don’t feel sexual attraction or romantic attraction so much as that they aren’t sure what they feel, and defining themselves as ace or aro gives them space to figure it out for themselves without the pressure of other people’s expectations. This doesn’t make them liars or fakers or mistaken or trend-chasers; they’re just working s--t out and that’s the label that makes the most sense for them at that stage in their lives. It applies to them in that moment, but less so later on.

Now to build off that, I suspect that part of the reason why ace/aro feels right for you up until now is because you’re also still working on understanding your relationship to your gender. As you say; you’re questioning and you don’t like your body. It’s understandable that as you’re still working on your relationship to yourself, it can be hard to really parse how that also influences your relationship to love and sex. If you don’t like your body or you feel it isn’t “right”, it’s harder to really connect with your sexuality, in no small part because sexuality is as much about your relationship with your body as it is about another person’s. Our body influences our brains, after all; if your body feels like an ill-fitting suit, it’s going to make other aspects of your life feel equally weird and uncomfortable.

Feeling more comfortable in your body and your identity frees up a lot of bandwidth to understand how you relate to others and what you might want from them, as well as what they might want from you. (Put a pin in that, we’re going to come back to that.)

That’s part of why I don’t think it’s unusual that you’re afraid of being touched or afraid of being sexually assaulted. It’s hardly as though these are irrational fears that you would only experience if you had some trauma that you may be repressing. It’s equally as possible that you’re having an understandable reaction to the way that people sexualize and treat femme-bodied and AFAB people – like you’re a thing to be consumed, rather than a person. Your not wanting to be touched makes sense, especially if you’re used to people ignoring your bodily autonomy because of the sex you were assigned at birth.

All of which is to say: yeah, the way you feel absolutely makes sense and the contradictions of it all are entirely understandable. You’re a reasonable person trying to operate in an unreasonable situation, and your trying to establish yourself as yourself in a world where everyone is trying to dictate who you are and what that means for you.

It certainly doesn’t help that your heart and hormones have their own agenda, too, and haven’t bothered to consult with your brain in the process. Love – to quote the sage – isn’t brains; it’s blood, screaming at you to work its will. Since both love and sexual attraction feel like schedules and appropriate times are things that happen to other people, it’s hardly unheard of for feelings to crop up at the most inconvenient moments – especially when it’ll make things even messier for you.

But I think part of the problem is that you are treating all of this as though it were a command, rather than a feeling. The fact that you’re having these feelings doesn’t mean that you need to act on them. Nor does it mean that you need to act on all of it if you don’t want to or don’t feel like you’re ready to do so. Let’s leave your friend out of this for a second and focus on this truth: nothing about the way you feel requires that you take it to the logical (or illogical) end point. If you discover that you enjoy holding someone’s hand, that doesn’t mean that you have to take the next step – whether that means hugging and cuddling, kissing, making out or more. You can stick to what you feel comfortable and ready for, and only move on if and when you feel like it. And that is a time that may well never come! Many ace people enjoy the intimacy of cuddling and physical contact, even kissing, but don’t want sexual intercourse and that’s fine.

This is important for you to understand for your own sake, but it’s just as important to understand that as it applies to your friend. If you were to have a romantic or non-platonic relationship with your friend, specifically, he may well want more. If he’s allosexual – as most of the population is – then it’s safe to assume that he’d want a sexual connection with a person he’s dating or in a relationship with. But the fact that he may want more doesn’t mean that you’re obligated to give him what he wants – especially if it’s something you’re not comfortable with or ready for or capable of giving. The fact that you like him to whatever degree you do doesn’t mean that you have to do things that would harm you because he wants it. You always, always have your right to your boundaries and limits, no matter how badly someone else wants something from you.

Remember: you don’t have to justify or explain yourself or your reasons. Your not wanting to is all the reason you need. Never forget: “no” is a complete sentence.

This also applies to other people who aren’t in your relationship. Your friends can want or hope for whatever they choose; you aren’t under any obligation to go along with their expectations. People are welcome to have their opinions about you and your relationships with other people, but they don’t get a vote. I understand that you feel the pressure of their expectations – or what you may think they’re expecting – but you always have the right to ignore them and do what’s right for you. And, I might point out, you always have the right to tell them to keep those opinions to themselves, especially when it makes you feel uncomfortable or pressured. If they’re so desperate to see your relationship play out a particular way, they’re welcome to write fanfic about it for themselves and never show it to anyone else, especially you and him.

And while we’re on the subject, I want to point out that the fact that your friend may want more doesn’t mean that he’s going to ask you for it, especially if he understands you and cares for you. Remember what I said about how feelings aren’t commands? Well, that goes for him too. He could – and I stress could, this is all theoretical – want to have sex with you or have a more physically intimate connection. But wanting it doesn’t mean he can’t say to himself “hey, this is something that makes SLG uncomfortable and I want him to be happy with me, so let’s put that aside if and until he’s cool with it.” And seeing as he has been incredibly understanding and careful with you, it sounds to me like he cares enough to take your feelings into consideration and give them a higher priority, especially since not doing so would have higher consequences for you.

I mean, the dude sounds like he’s pretty great, which is awesome for the both of you.

But let’s talk about you and him for a second. I understand that all of this feels complicated and horribly consequential, but I think part of the problem is that you’re not just borrowing trouble from the future, but I think you’re borrowing trouble from parallel universes while you’re at it. You’re worried about a whole lot of things that haven’t happened yet and may never happen, but you’re responding to them as though it already has or is about to, and I think that’s messing with your head.

I think some of what you’re responding to are your anxieties rather than the reality on the ground. So far, it sounds like he gets you. He gets that while you may girlmode at times, you’re not a girl. He gets that you have issues around physical touch and around sex and he’s been understanding, accommodating and supportive – which is great! I think a lot of the worries you’re experiencing are more about what might be rather than what is; that is, you’re projecting more about what you’re afraid of onto him than reacting to what you’re seeing. And to be fair, there’re a lot of unknowns here. But the way to deal with those unknowns is to face them straight on.

Here’s what I’d suggest: talk to him. You don’t know how he feels; he does. He knows some, but not all, of how you’re feeling about stuff. Talking to him about all of this is how you erase that uncertainty. Talking with him about how you feel, about how he may feel and what to do about it may be uncomfortable at first, but this is the time when powering through that discomfort will bring you greater relief than I think you realize. At the very least, you won’t be trying to read the tea leaves or divine how he feels by rummaging around chicken entrails. Having greater information helps ease the anxiety because the anxiety is your brain trying to fill in all these gaps and lacunas in your understanding of the situation.

But more to the point, you can make sure you’re both on the same page. You can reassure yourself that if he wants you, then he wants you as you, not as girlmode you or a cis version of you. You can say “if we do this, here’s where I’m at, here’s what I’m ok with, here’s what I’m not sure about, here’s what I definitely can’t do”, and he can say “Yes, that’s fine, I totally understand and I’m cool with it” or he can say “Ok, I don’t know if I could make that leap with a romantic partner, so we should stay friends instead”. You can say “Here’s the way I see this going, here’s the pace at which I’d be most comfortable” and he can say “Here’s how I would like to see this going, here’s the pace I’d like to see” and if they don’t line up exactly, you can both discuss where and how to compromise, if compromise is even possible and what works best to make you both happy.

And you and he can decide what your relationship is for yourselves. The great thing about relationships is that there are no rules except for what the people in the relationship decide. He can be a straight person dating a queer person. He could be straight-ish or homoflexible, or a single-target exception to his otherwise hetero orientation. You can decide for yourselves how to label it, what to call it or how it will work. And even if you do decide on a particular set of guidelines or rules… you can renegotiate those if and when they no longer fit. Nothing is set in stone; whatever you two decide now isn’t some geas that you’re obligated to follow for the rest of time. It’s the same as how you label yourself; if if fits now, that’s great. If it doesn’t fit in the future, you can change it.

You don’t need to have all the answers. You don’t need to wait until it all makes sense. And – importantly – you don’t have to do this alone. Even if he’s not romantically interested in you, he is your friend and clearly cares for you. His actions have shown that he’s been understanding and trustworthy so far, so trust him with all of this. Set aside some time for the two of you to sit down and talk it out. It will be scary. It’ll feel awkward. You’ll worry that you’re making things weird. But if you both grit your teeth and white knuckle your way through, you’ll come out on the other side, closer and more in tune with each other than before, and without all the anxiety bubbling up from all these unknowns.

You’ve got this, SLG.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com