DEAR HARRIETTE: I had an intense relationship with a special man for nearly a year, and then he ghosted me. A few months later, he came back, but it has never been the same. He claims that his life is complicated right now, which includes him being out of work. I told him I could deal with that -- for a while, at least -- if he was attentive in other ways, but he has flaked a lot when it comes to showing up for me.

I can’t figure out how I got caught up with him. Yes, he has some great qualities, but right now he is distant, brooding and aloof. I always think I can say or do something that can get somebody to change, but I think I’m deluding myself. My problem is I will give up and stop obsessing over him, but then something will happen, and I feel compelled to contact him again, and the cycle continues. How can I break away from him emotionally -- for good? -- Bad for Me

DEAR BAD FOR ME: Stop for a moment and sit still. Think about yourself and what you deserve. What kind of partner do you want? Somebody who will show up for you and tend to your heart, or somebody who, for whatever reason, is not physically or emotionally present for you?

Who is this man? Based on what you have described, he does not sound like he is able to be the person you want and need. You didn’t say that he has asked you to wait for him to get himself together, so stop playing tennis with yourself. If he cannot hit the ball back to you -- for instance, being responsive directly to you as you need -- you must accept that he is not your guy. The way to break emotionally from him is to stop engaging him. Don’t dial his number. Don’t stalk him on social media. Don’t walk down the street he lives on or go to the places you think he may turn up. Let go and move on with your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your response to “Yes-Woman,” the reader who is always asked to help because she always says yes was excellent. I used to be that person. Saying no is hard. But I learned to say, "I'm sorry, I just won't be able to do that." Then the other person will usually ask why. That's when I say, "Well, that's rather complicated. I'm sure you understand." Then change the subject. Asking them a question works well. -- In the Know

DEAR IN THE KNOW: Thanks for the response. My guess is that when one dares to push back and say no, a lot of people are so taken aback that they just back off and don’t even ask why.

We have to stop apologizing for the natural human need to take care of ourselves. When we put our needs first and learn how to care for ourselves, we create honest space for helping others to the best of our ability. That varies depending on what we have to do. People do understand that about themselves, but if you are a people-pleaser, you will notice that you are held to a different standard. Saying no can seem shocking to your friends. Help them get used to it!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a newish mom. My daughter is approaching her first birthday, but I still feel like a newbie. Learning all the tricks of motherhood has been a whirlwind, but something I didn’t expect to be so hard is the shift I’ve been feeling in so many of my adult relationships. I am the only one from my immediate friend group who is a mother. When I’m having a tough time with my daughter and need support, I’m afraid to be a burden to my friends. When I’m having great days with my daughter, I neglect my friends. When I do see them, they forget that my child exists or forget that I exist as they ooh and aah over photos of her. I don’t want to hold anything against them because it feels like maybe I’m the one who can’t be pleased right now. Is there any way to create a better balance for me? How can I be a mom and have my childless friends, too? -- Solo Mom

DEAR SOLO MOM: As impossible as this may seem, you need to expand your friend group, adding in at least one mom. In this way, you will have someone to talk to who understands your new reality. That will take the pressure off of your other friends. It can also help you be less sensitive when they don’t understand your needs.

You can also be honest with your friends and tell them that sometimes you need them to support you, even if they don’t really understand what you are going through. Chances are, somebody from your group will try to step up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: “Broken Vows” wrote to you saying she found a condom in her husband’s pants pocket. She might also want to consider being tested for sexually transmitted infections -- and, in conversation with her husband, mention this. -- Better Safe

DEAR BETTER SAFE: Absolutely, this is great, practical advice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just wanted to mention that your advice to “Peer Pressure,” the person who didn’t have interest or time to prep for a marathon with her friends, was perfect. Around 30 years ago I was faced with the same problem, and I chose not to participate. At that time, I felt I had too much going on in my life; my kids were younger, and I didn’t feel that I could train properly without sacrificing valuable family time. I don’t regret my decision, but at times it has been hard because of the teasing that I took and the passing of a good friend from the complications of the leukemia that he had beaten at the time. Your solution to this person’s problem -- to be the documentarian of the group’s journey -- is perfect and would’ve been a great way for me to have helped with their efforts while maintaining valuable family time. -- Protecting What You Value Most

DEAR PROTECTING WHAT YOU VALUE MOST: We so often guilt ourselves into doing things that don’t make sense. Thinking outside the box for ways to stay connected to others without bowing to peer pressure is important and can be difficult to envision, but it’s definitely worth it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two months now, and while things started off really strong, there’s something that’s been bothering me more and more: He refuses to show me where he lives. It feels intentional and calculated. Every time I’ve brought it up, he dodges the question or gives a vague excuse. The first time, he said his apartment was “under renovation.” Then a week later, he said his roommate was having family over and the place was “a mess.” Another time he claimed he just “prefers going out.”

Now that we’re two months in, it’s starting to feel like a serious red flag. We always hang out at my place or meet in public. Not once have I seen the outside of his building, let alone been invited in. He always drives, but he never offers to meet at his place or take me there. When I tried to push a little and asked directly why I’ve never seen where he lives, he laughed it off and said, “You’ll get there eventually, don’t worry.” I am worried. It’s making me feel like he’s hiding something. What should I do? -- Off-Limits

DEAR OFF-LIMITS: Tell your boyfriend that it makes you uncomfortable that he seems to be hiding his home from you. Something as basic as where a person lives should not be off-limits in your mind. Ask him what he is hiding from you. Is he really that messy? Does he actually have a home, or is he living in temporary housing? Is he really single, or is he living with a girlfriend or wife? Tell him all of the thoughts that are going through your head because he refuses to share this basic part of his life with you. Remind him that the easiest way to allay your concerns is to show you his home.

DEAR HARRIETTE: About a month ago, a few family members came to town. While I was giving them the grand tour of my city, one of my daughters pointed to the wine and spirits store and said, “This is Mommy’s favorite store.” Half the group laughed at my daughter’s silly statement, but half were completely silent. I know that everyone who stayed silent felt just as embarrassed as me. I don’t even know why, but I felt exposed. I don’t want my children thinking of me this way. I don’t drink every day, but I probably drink a little more than the average person. I never drink when I’m going to work or any other important engagements. I drink only at home after work hours, so I didn’t realize my children had picked up on this. My drinking hasn’t ever felt harmful, but for some reason, I cannot get over that moment from a few weeks ago. Is there something wrong with my indulgence? -- Mom Anonymous

DEAR MOM ANONYMOUS: Since this concerns you deeply, examine it. Track your drinking for the next couple of weeks. Note how often you actually drink and whether you are doing so around your children. While you think you drink only occasionally, if that time coincides with family time, it may seem to your children that drinking is a constant for you. You may want to check that. Allow your discomfort at their statement to shine a spotlight on your behavior so you can decide if you want to change it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)