DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at a store with narrow aisles. I turned down an aisle that had two women with carts. The first woman I encountered completely ignored me, so I gently pushed my cart past. The second woman was older, in her 60s or 70s, and asked if I would like to get through.

Thinking she was being courteous, I smiled and said, “Yes, please!” Her response caught me off guard: She said, “Use your words.”

I froze, shocked, because this is the exact phrase my dad used with me as a child. So she repeated “Use your words” again.

Miss Manners, I am a grown woman in my mid-30s who was being talked down to like a child. So my smile faded and I said, “You’re not my mom,” then walked past her.

When I reached the end of the aisle, she called out after me to call me a “brat,” and I looked back and said, “Well, I can’t imagine how yours turned out!”

Given the situation, how could I have better handled myself with this condescending woman while maintaining dignity?

GENTLE READER: Literally any other way.

It is hard to take your argument seriously -- that you are a grown woman and not a child -- when you just threw a tantrum in a grocery store.

Miss Manners grants you that the other shopper started it. But being an adult means not taking the bait when someone else is rude to you. And yelling “You are not my mom!” is not the rousing argument you thought it was.

Next time, bypass the offender’s admonishment and say tightly, “Thank you for moving.” Or ignore her completely. Adults do so hate the silent treatment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I lent my friend an outfit and cardigan to wear to a wedding. Despite not wearing the cardigan, she washed it before returning it. As a result, it was ruined.

I didn’t ask her not to wash it, and she didn’t ask me if she should (or how). She’s offered to pay for it, but it cost a lot more than she’s used to paying for her clothes, so I feel bad that she’s stuck paying for something she had no idea was expensive.

What is the laundry etiquette in cases like this? Should I have told her to return it unwashed? Should she have asked how I would like it returned? Do I have her reimburse me for it, or is it just water under the bridge?

She’s a good friend and I don’t want to lose her over this, but I admit I am feeling resentful.

GENTLE READER: There was no good way to have prevented this. If you had told her the sweater was dry-clean only, you would be presuming that she was going to pay to clean it -- which is the right thing to do, but not strictly required.

Miss Manners recommends that you let this go for the sake of the friendship and next time, do not lend things that are expensive, delicate or irreplaceable. Those are borrowing circumstances that do indeed lend themselves to resentment.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I frequently attend team lunches and dinners with my immediate department members, both supervisors and associates. These dining experiences are mostly personal affairs and come after a week of hard teamwork.

We work in an industry where we will be in one location for a few months, and then move on to another city. We all get along and have each other’s back.

But here is the problem: There are two members of our team who are in their 20s, and they both have the worst table manners! They set their bread on the bare table, as well as any soiled cutlery. They cut up their entire meal into tiny pieces like they are toddlers. I could go on, but you get the idea.

These are nice young women! They are college-educated. Each one complains that they never get a second date after dining at a nice restaurant, and I understand why.

I am well aware it is not my duty to advise them of how to butter a dinner roll. But I feel sorry for them and am frequently embarrassed for them. Should I just accept there is nothing any of us can do?

GENTLE READER: Although there is, today, too much blurring of the professional and personal spheres, it was always understood that an otherwise promising mentee who did not know how to speak or behave in polite company would be at a disadvantage in a professional career -- and that a good mentor might have to help make up this deficiency.

Perhaps you can identify a senior member of the team who might act in this more general capacity for these two -- as a professional mentor, that is, knowing that finding opportunities for them to improve their table manners will be only a part of their extracurricular education. This might make a positive difference for their careers -- while not putting anyone in the position of promising that any second dates hinge upon the superior etiquette discernment of 20-something males.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece worked at a well-known retail store in the 1980s. She told me they were required to greet customers because research has shown that people are less likely to steal after a personal exchange. Now I bristle a bit and feel insulted when I am greeted at a store.

GENTLE READER: Rest assured that in a few years, new research will show that the original research was incorrect for any number of reasons. Miss Manners has stopped following the details.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend asked me to join her and a few other people for lunch. This was not something I wanted to do, so I claimed to have conflicts on the first two dates she suggested.

Then she said, “Well, what would be a good day for you?” I said something about just not being sociable, but it didn’t feel very good. What could I have said, short of “never”?

GENTLE READER: “Let me get back to you.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I do a lot of recreational traveling. In some cases, we take local tours. I’m finding that these tours often include a significant number of comments using America as a source of ridicule.

How should I handle this? Just stand there and be humiliated?

GENTLE READER: There are three general approaches in the situation you describe, but only one that Miss Manners finds acceptable -- a point on which, you may be surprised to hear, she believes the two American political parties should be in full agreement. After all, how one feels about one’s government and how one speaks about it to strangers are different questions.

To start, bear in mind three principles: First, you are a guest in another person’s country, and it is rude to belittle a guest (as they are apparently doing).

Second, you are in a public setting in which you, to a small extent, are representing your country.

Third, one rudeness does not justify another.

The possible approaches are to side with your hosts, either directly or by implication; or, at the opposite extreme, to go on the attack, raising your voice and returning insult for insult. The final option is to register offense in a quiet and dignified way.

It is, of course, the last that Miss Manners strongly recommends -- not only as the proper course, but also as the most effective.

Those choosing the first option (agreement) will find that what follows is not respect, but mistreatment; those choosing the second (returning fire) are merely providing confirmation of what your hosts already believe -- as well as fresh material for their next round of insults.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I treat family to dinner, my husband insists on asking me how much we should tip. He doesn’t lower his voice when he asks, and then he argues about tipping the typical 20%.

It was so embarrassing when we took his nephews out to dinner that one of them asked if he could leave the tip instead. When we took my son and daughter-in-law out to celebrate a milestone birthday, my husband made sure to let them know how expensive the dinner was.

I was raised that when you invite people out for dinner, you sign off on the bill and that’s it. It’s rude to ensure the whole table knows how much dinner cost.

If we have bills due, he also used to talk about that in front of family. He’s notoriously cheap, and when I try talking to him, he gets mad.

Am I being unreasonable to ask him to keep this information between him and myself? We can certainly afford it, and it’s really embarrassing.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps you could, in private, convince him that you are sometimes going to insist on paying, whether he agrees or not. Miss Manners suggests that you explain that the purpose of paying is to engender good feelings, but that he is killing that. And therefore -- this should hit home -- he is wasting the money when he makes it clear to everyone how much he grudges paying.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)