DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my high-rise condominium building, I must leave my flat and travel (generally via carpeted hallways and elevators) to various common areas in the building to deposit trash and collect mail. The whole building, including all common areas, has a single, guarded entrance, through which only residents and guests may pass.

What must I wear in these common areas? May I dash down in stocking (or bare) feet to mail a letter or empty my garbage? (Most people are shod in the hallways.) Must I (a male) wear a shirt and/or proper shorts? Not all residents do this, as we have a pool, too.

Does it matter if the area is carpeted? Closed to the public? Is there a general rule? Is the rule different in a hotel or apartment building?

I am aware of Miss Manners’ rule regarding collection of one’s morning newspaper from one’s driveway -- to wit, neighbors doing so are considered invisible. But I do not see how to apply it in this context.

GENTLE READER: We’ll make it apply. It’s just been sitting around idly, anyhow.

It was based on the polite fiction that the porch appearance is not public, but only a momentary detour from bed to breakfast, where robes and slippers are permissible.

In your case, the available fiction is that of using the swimming pool. Or gym, if the building has one. You know that the related outfits are customarily tolerated in your building, whereas you would not know what might offend guests in a hotel.

But Miss Manners cautions you not to test your neighbors’ limits. Being even rudimentarily dressed requires sparing them your bare chest and feet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For several years, it has been my pleasure to host three longtime friends -- a married couple and her brother, a particular friend of mine -- to a collective birthday dinner at our favorite restaurant. We do this in lieu of separate birthday lunches at a lesser establishment. The restaurant we go to is considered upscale for our rural area, which I mention only to show that this is a special occasion.

It has always been most enjoyable, until this past year. All was fine until the wife struck up a political conversation with a man at a nearby table. The two conversed for a considerable time.

I felt sure this man's companion must have been irritated. I certainly was, but I didn’t know how to politely redirect the wife's attention to our table. Nor did her husband or brother say anything. My feelings were hurt to be treated so.

Fortunately, the couple soon finished their meal and left the restaurant. I still wonder what I might have said.

GENTLE READER: “Sophie! Shall we ask to have your dinner reheated?” “Sophie, we’re ready to order dessert now.” Or the most enticing, although it requires a prepared follow-up: “Sophie! We need your opinion on something!”

Miss Manners suggests this only to repair the immediate situation, for yourself and your other guests. Let’s not talk about the content of the overheard talk.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our dear friends Hank and Bridget have been married for more than 35 years. Each had been married previously and had one child each, and they have a child together. That child is now a married adult.

Here is the rub. Since her two half-siblings are each more than 10-15 years older, she has been treated like an only child and given every opportunity not afforded to the others. This has caused some consternation between her and her siblings, which has spilled over to any friends her parents associate with on a regular basis.

Case in point: For the last 20 years, we have celebrated a holiday with Hank and Bridget and their friends at their vacation house with a barbecue and drinks. Their vacation home is about two hours away, so we always rent a hotel for the night rather than drive home in holiday traffic.

As per usual, we received the annual party invitation, and my wife called Bridget to discuss what potluck items to bring. At that point, Bridget informed her that there was a change of plans and there would not be a potluck meal, just dessert. She said her daughter felt that since she had given birth about two months ago (her third child), she (the daughter) and her husband would feel too overwhelmed with everyone at the parents’ house to enjoy a party.

My wife and I are dumbfounded! Wouldn’t the daughter and her husband be just as overwhelmed with several people attending for dessert as they would be for a dinner party? We don’t get what the difference would be!

We have discussed this situation, and have come to the agreement that driving two hours and paying for a hotel are too much for just having dessert. How should we proceed?

GENTLE READER: By not going. But please do not explain why.

Telling your dear friends that they have spoiled and indulged their only mutual child into being a dictator who eschews the culinary needs of their guests for her own temperamental whims will not be the antidote to their problem that you think it will.

Miss Manners will also counter by asking what the real difference to you is between driving two hours for dinner or for dessert -- the point is to see your friends, is it not? (You could pack a picnic or get drive-thru on the way.)

But finding a solution is not really the point here. This is about control. And you have just as much ability to exercise yours as your friends’ child does. As long as you do so politely.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just found out that the mother of my high school best friend has passed away. I live halfway across the country and would incur $1,500 in expenses to go to the funeral.

Is it OK not to go since I live so far away? Or does it look bad?

GENTLE READER: As long as you write a thoughtful condolence letter to your friend, you do not need to attend.

But please, Miss Manners implores you, omit the real reason: that it is expensive and inconvenient. That is the part that looks bad.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am appalled at the current practice on TV home decor shows of placing books with their titles to the wall. It is a huge fad.

I keep waiting for one of the hosts to realize that anyone who actually might read a book would walk into that home and assume the people who live there don’t know what a book is for. Your opinion?

GENTLE READER: Using books as decoration is hardly new. But gone are the days when those books were displayed to show off the intellect and interests of their owners -- and with it, the pretense, at least, that their owners had read them. True enthusiasts took pride in how they organized them -- by author, subject or both.

But then home decorators swooped in and put books in rainbow order, or sorted them by height, making it impossible to find the one you wanted -- unless one was feeling pink that day and merely chose a book to accessorize.

Unless the bookshelf has no backing and can be flipped around, putting them in backwards is, indeed, dumb. It is the home decorating equivalent of a “naked cake” --unattractive and exposed for no reason. Although at least the cake shows you its contents.

Still, Miss Manners supposes she should be grateful that physical books are displayed in the home at all. This silly fad will change back again -- it did with vinyl records -- as people start to realize that in order to judge a book by its cover, one actually has to see it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While at lunch at a casual restaurant, I noticed a woman joining a large group, who were all standing around before sitting at their table. I immediately noticed that her zipper was unzipped, and that her underwear could be seen quite easily.

Initially, she was standing a little off to the side, and I wondered if I should inconspicuously whisper to her that she was unzipped. I waited too long to decide before she and the group began to seat themselves.

I asked the people at my table what they would have done, and most said they wouldn’t have said anything to her. I felt I would rather have a stranger (who I probably would never see again) tell me, so that I could quickly go to the bathroom and zip up before -- hopefully -- anyone in my party (who I would see again) noticed. If I weren’t told, once I discovered my zipper had been open the whole time, I would be embarrassed, wondering who in my party noticed.

I am curious to know the proper etiquette in this situation.

GENTLE READER: If you find yourself saying, “Somebody should say something ...” then remember that you are somebody. Say something. Subtly and to the side, of course. As you mentioned, you would be grateful if someone did that for you.

But you now have the benefit of knowing that none of the people at your table that night would be that someone. Miss Manners recommends you take special care with zippers and spinach the next time you are in their company.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)