DEAR ABBY: My brother "Joey" married a woman, "Allie," who is mentally unstable. Every couple of months, she loses her temper at me or one of my family members. It's extremely disruptive and upsetting. She has been diagnosed with type 1 bipolar disorder as well as borderline personality disorder. Joey recognizes her behavior is inappropriate but can't seem to control her.

We usually ignore her and let some time pass until she calms down, but sometimes it's hard to turn the other cheek when she yells and makes personal attacks toward us. The most recent blow-up occurred while they were visiting my parents' home. Allie is pregnant with their first baby, and the day after the visit, Allie called my mom yelling at her that their house is "toxic" due to clutter and dust. She said being in their home is "harming their unborn baby." My parents' house is not a health hazard. Yes, there is some clutter, but they've raised five kids in that house and have lived there for almost 40 years.

Is there any way we can have a meaningful relationship with Joey and Allie? I'm worried they're never going to let us see their baby. -- TIPTOEING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TIPTOEING: Allie has dual-diagnosis mental illness. If she's receiving meds for her bipolar disorder, it may be controlled. If she realizes her explosive reactions are over the top and is receiving psychotherapy for borderline personality disorder, you may be able to have a relationship with your niece or nephew. But understand that BPD is a difficult illness to treat. Unless Allie is open to treatment, your brother should think twice about having more children with her because their marriage may not last.

DEAR ABBY: A longtime friend of mine, "Barbara," is kind enough to let me stay at her home when I visit her town a couple of times a year. She has another close (out-of-town) friend, "Helene," who stays with her more often. Lately, it has become apparent that Helene is our complete political opposite, so much so that I no longer feel comfortable being around her.

Because our visits often overlap, my first impulse is to make arrangements to stay elsewhere. However, I don't want to offend Barbara, who denies that Helene is an extremist, despite evidence to the contrary. Is there any graceful way to ask Barbara to alert me if Helene will be around so I may make other lodging arrangements? -- AVOIDANT OUT WEST

DEAR AVOIDANT: Because your friend Barbara continues to deny that Helene is an extremist, in spite of evidence to the contrary, it is possible that her political views are closer to those of Helene's than you think. It may be time to level with Barbara and explain that Helene's views are offensive to you and ask if she'd be willing to tell you if Helene will be there when you plan to visit so you can make other arrangements for lodging.

DEAR ABBY: I have a special-needs son and cannot travel with him alone. I have also been in a committed relationship for two years. When my aunt's youngest daughter got married last year, I clearly stated that I would not be able to attend because of these limitations. Now her son is getting married. The family sent out an electronic invitation and asked for a plus-one. Since my son will be with my parents during the wedding, I filled it out with my name and my partner's name.

I was recently told that the plus-one was meant only for my son and that I'm not allowed to bring my partner, despite the fact that he'll be helping to support me during the trip. I find this incredibly disrespectful. Not only are my boundaries being ignored, but so are my son's needs.

I'm considering not attending. Would it be wrong to decline the invitation on those grounds? I'd like to tell them exactly why I won't be in attendance. I've had enough of being told to accommodate others at the expense of my own family's well-being. -- HURT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HURT: By now your aunt and her family should be well aware that your son is severely disabled. Do your aunt's soon-to-be in-laws know? Are your parents expected to shoulder all responsibility for his care when that wedding takes place? Does your family know that your boyfriend helps you take care of your son? If the answer to those questions is yes, then what you received was less a wedding invitation than it was a bid for a gift. Send them your regrets, but do it politely.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married three years ago. We both had lost our spouses to cancer. He had a house and I had a house, so, since mine was paid for, I talked him into moving into mine and renting his so his renters could pay his mortgage. (That way, he could save more for retirement.)

My dilemma is, it seems like I pay for everything. He gives me $400 a month for his half of the utilities, phone and groceries. But with things so expensive, I end up paying the difference, and it's draining my savings and checking account. I love him and he adores me, but this is starting to wear on me.

I can talk to him about anything, but money seems to be a sore spot with him, and I wouldn't want to ruin everything else that is great. How can I approach this with him, without it affecting our relationship? I've hinted to him how expensive things are, but he hasn't taken the hints. -- GOING BROKE IN INDIANA

DEAR GOING BROKE: Stop "hinting" and speak up! Tell your husband that because of inflation and the price of everything going up, your savings and checking accounts are being drained. Then tell him the two of you need to start discussing a more realistic budget. If he loves you, he will see the wisdom. However, if money is more important to him than your welfare, it is better to find out now.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend "Pat" and I live on opposite sides of the country. I am very concerned about Pat's daughter and granddaughter, "Mandy." Pat's son-in-law is verbally abusive. He calls Pat's daughter names and tells Mandy that Mommy is bad. Mandy is only 3 and already knows she has to be nice to Daddy so he doesn't yell at Mommy.

Pat's daughter refuses to leave her marriage until Mandy is older so as not to confuse her. I know this is terrible for the child and will cause her to have bad memories all her life. I'm also afraid that Pat's son-in-law will end up physically harming Mandy. Should I be trying to convince my friend to encourage her daughter to leave ASAP? Or do I need to step back and mind my own business?

My friend Pat is determined to stay out of this, and I'm very worried about everyone. -- WORRIED IN THE EAST

DEAR WORRIED: Pat's son-in-law is practicing parental alienation, and they aren't even divorced yet. Postponing the inevitable is doing Mandy no favors. She's at an impressionable age, and the attitudes the little girl is forming may remain with her for the rest of her life unless she receives help. I don't blame you for being worried.

Talk to Pat and suggest to her that she should remain silent no longer. Verbal abuse can easily escalate to physical abuse, and the time to draw the line is now. In case you need to pass this information along, the phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233. Someone there can tell Pat or her daughter how to form a safe escape plan.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I used to live in the same city as his parents and sisters. We became very close, getting together several times a week. One of his sisters was my best friend. Because of work, we had to move about four hours away. Since then, we have felt increasingly isolated. I tried to call weekly, visit often and send gifts for every holiday.

About a year in, I realized we were initiating all the contact and tried a little experiment. We stopped calling them. It took more than eight weeks for anyone to contact us. His mother calls his other siblings who live elsewhere every week, but not us. We visit them a few times a year, but they have never visited us despite invitations to do so. My husband is busy with work and, while it hurts him, he is able to forget about it. Although I live closer to my own family now, I mourn the loss of my friends and his family and feel frustrated that they don't care about us, seemingly caring about other family members more. Any advice? -- CAST OFF AND LONELY

DEAR LONELY: It appears you have too much free time on your hands. You can't change these people's behavior. Instead of brooding, stop dwelling on your in-laws' shortcomings and devote your energy to making friends in your new community. If you stop looking backward and find projects that interest you, you will meet like-minded people.