DEAR ABBY: For nearly 30 years, my husband and I shared a close, trusting marriage. Months ago, I caught him lying about meetings he was having with a 35-year-old colleague. Then I discovered months of ongoing texts. When I asked for an explanation, he became angry and defensive. His explanation was it was work-related, that I was too controlling and that I was making a big deal out of nothing.

Because I believed this was not a trivial situation, I pressed for some resolution. Unfortunately, further discussions were heated with no resolve, just more withdrawn behavior while the communications continued.

Recently, he informed me that he realizes his behavior was unacceptable and he has ceased the communication. He said he loves only me, and he wants me to trust him again. My problem is, after all his secrecy, lies and defensiveness, I can't do that. He now carries on like nothing has happened, hoping to regain my trust. But for me, the trust has been broken.

After many years of what I thought was a loving marriage, I was blindsided. I have always valued your advice, so please help me to put things in perspective. -- BLINDSIDED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR BLINDSIDED: For nearly 30 years, you had what you thought was a solid relationship with your husband. It is now apparent that he screwed up royally. My question to you is: What do YOU want from now on? It is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity, but it will take work from both of you.

Do you want to sacrifice what you and your husband built together and forge ahead on your own? Your husband cannot act like nothing has happened, because something did. If the two of you are open to healing your broken marriage, it may require the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist, and it may take some time. The ball is in your court.

DEAR ABBY: "Carole" and I have been friends for 30-plus years. Her marriage was great as long as her husband wasn't using drugs. When he was using, he would abuse her verbally, physically and emotionally. He passed away, and she's now dating an abusive alcoholic. When he's not drinking (which is, maybe, three days a month) he's very sweet. I have tried telling her that she's enabling him, but she says she "loves" him. How can I get her to open her eyes before something bad happens? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN ARIZONA

DEAR FRIEND: What Carole really means when she says she "loves" this addict is that she needs the companionship he provides, and she's willing to put up with the abuse for three good days a month. Health care providers are required to make a report if they provide medical services to a patient who they suspect is suffering from an injury due to abuse. Short of hauling her to an emergency room if he physically abuses her, there is nothing you can do to "save" her. Let her know you are there for her in times of need and give her the number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has four grown children -- one from his first marriage; three with his late wife. Talk about drama! Who talks to whom? Who can't stand whom? Who gets annoyed when one of them comes to visit us? They could be BFFs today and tomorrow stab each other in the back.

Recently, my husband has been saying he'd like to see his four children and all his grandchildren together. Actually, his exact words were, "I guess the only time I'll see all my kids together in one room is when they come to my funeral."

My husband has a milestone birthday approaching. I've been thinking about having a surprise birthday party for him at a restaurant and inviting all the kids and grandchildren. I've thought about texting or emailing all of them with a note letting them know their dad's wishes and asking them to be civil to one another for a few hours for their dad. I also want them to know that if they cannot do that, they shouldn't accept the invitation.

What are your thoughts, Abby? Or should I drop the party idea and the two of us go out to dinner? -- STEPMOM WHO WANTS PEACE

DEAR STEPMOM: I think the idea of your husband's family gathering to celebrate his milestone birthday is wonderful. Please don't scrap the idea because his grown children don't always act like adults. Invite everyone, remind them that this happy occasion should not be considered an opportunity to air any grievances, and then cross your fingers that they will rise to the occasion.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my now-fiance for eight years. I'm five years older than he is. I know he loves me, but I'm not sure if he's still in love with me. Of course he says he is, but sometimes I think he's just comfortable with me. He doesn't show the love he used to.

I have often said I feel like I'm just here to accommodate him with cooking, cleaning and outside chores. We don't even have good conversations anymore. They're always all about him. When I tell him how I feel, things change for only a short time, and then they go right back. There are good times, but they are few and far between. I need your advice. -- DOUBTING IN MICHIGAN

DEAR DOUBTING: After eight years together, the flames of passion have been known to die down and routine takes over. What you two may need is time apart -- so you can miss each other a little and appreciate each other more. That little bit of separation may also give you something new to talk about.

Consider doing some activities you can do together, such as going on a day trip or taking up a new sport. Also, you might feel less taken for granted if those chores you described, such as cooking, cleaning and yard work, were divided or shared. From what you have written, you have been doing all the heavy lifting.

DEAR ABBY: Our 23-year-old son, "Ed," was clean-cut, into working out and staying healthy, watched his diet -- he even joined a gym and was going every week. Ed has been dating a girl, "Emily," who is the complete opposite. She's probably a hundred pounds overweight. She's also dirty, (when she comes here, there have been days she doesn't take a shower).

Twice I have found Emily's lingerie on the floor. Last week, she left a pair of her panties on the bathroom floor. I showed Ed and told him that was the second time I had found her underwear (the first time I didn't say anything). I said, "You have to talk to Emily and tell her not to leave her underwear laying around."

I see a change in Ed. My son hasn't cut his hair in 2 1/2 years and he no longer appears to be as into working out. This is not who we are as a family. My husband and I are fit for our ages (60s) and by all standards clean and orderly. Should I say anything to Ed? I feel like Emily is changing who he is. -- NOT THE SAME IN THE EAST

DEAR NOT THE SAME: Please stop blaming Emily for the changes you have observed. Your son is making those changes himself. Although his girlfriend appears to be ignorant about basic hygiene, I am not sure you are the parent who should discuss this with Ed. He might be less defensive if "the talk" comes from his father, man to man.

I am unclear if your son still lives in the home with you or if he and his girlfriend have a place of their own. If it's the former, you would certainly be within your rights to point out that you have a hamper for soiled clothes and to please use it. If they live separately, consider gifting them one for their place.

DEAR ABBY: My husband passed away three years ago. We were married for 56 years. Four months prior to our large, California, Catholic wedding, we eloped and were married secretly in Las Vegas. No one ever found out. Coming from a Hispanic family, my father wouldn't have been receptive, so we said nothing. In retrospect, it was a stupid thing to do. I was only 19, and he was 22. When he retired from law enforcement, we relocated to Washington, where I still live.

I have two adult daughters, and I'm wondering if this is something they need to know. I still have our Las Vegas marriage certificate, along with our California marriage certificate -- the one we always celebrated as our anniversary date. Would it be wrong to tear up the Las Vegas certificate and take this secret to my grave? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: I don't think an elopement between a young couple who are deeply in love is anything to be ashamed of. Nor do I think your love story is at all "stupid." As long as they hurt no one, folks are entitled to a few "secrets." If you wish to take this one to your grave, it's your privilege, and you will get no argument from me. I would, however, point out that because your first marriage license is a legal document, rather than destroy it, keep it under lock and key until you have left this earthly toil.