DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I have been arguing almost every day. We have been verbally and emotionally hurting each other. I love her very much, but she has a severe alcohol disorder, and I want her to stop drinking. She keeps begging me for money whenever she runs out of her own. She wants me to buy her more alcohol, but I refuse. She has been mean and abusive to the people she loves, including me.

I suffer from anxiety and depression and see a therapist to deal with my mental health. My therapist suggested that my fiancee and I have couples counseling, but we are on a waiting list. I am also looking into attending Al-Anon meetings for support. I don't know what else to do to save my relationship. Please help. -- DEPRESSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR DEPRESSED: Between you and your therapist, I'd say you have your ducks pretty well in a row. Because you and your alcoholic fiancee are wait-listed for couples counseling, start getting more of the emotional support you need by attending those Al-Anon meetings. Dealing with an angry, manipulative addict can be soul-crushing. Joining that community will give you insight and perspective.

Please remember that saving your relationship isn't a solo effort. At some point, your fiancee must decide which to choose: her drinking or you. If she can't give up the bottle, you may need to save yourself. I am glad you have a therapist.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 45 years old and have a friend from the military I've known for more than 25 years. A couple of years ago, he asked to move into my one-bedroom apartment to help him deal with retirement and straighten out his bills, debt and child support. I agreed because I had started working on the road and wasn't in a relationship. He sleeps on the couch, and I'm fine with that. He also helps with half the rent and the utility bill.

The problem is, when I come home from the road, I find he hasn't cleaned AT ALL. He keeps my place very dirty. The AC is filthy, the bathroom is moldy and messy from his hair dye, and the kitchen is greasy from his cooking. My living and dining rooms are full of his stuff. He also doesn't take hints when I have company over.

I love him like a brother, but I need him to leave. I do worry about paying my full rent and the mail that accumulates in my absence. (He doesn't even bother to let me know about "important" mail when it arrives.) I love the support he's given in the past, but it has run its course. What should I do? -- GOOD BUDDY IN VIRGINIA

DEAR GOOD BUDDY: I will assume that in the past you have told your roommate that you didn't like the shape your apartment was in when you returned from the road. If you didn't, you should have. Because you want him out, tell him that you now want the place to yourself, and set a date for him to find another place to live. If you don't speak up and draw the line, it will never happen.

DEAR ABBY: I haven't had a holiday with my grown daughter, "Charly," since she left the state 12 years ago. When she came out as a lesbian, I wasn't very accepting and didn't handle it well. I have since apologized.

Charly and her partner refuse to visit here unless I allow them to share the same bed in my house. I say they can't tell me what to do in my own home, just as I can't tell them what to do in theirs. I stayed with them once, and they slept in the same bed. Now they no longer invite me to stay there. Charly told me her partner is uncomfortable with anyone staying there.

I haven't spoken to my daughter about their relationship in many years. My heart is broken. I don't get any holidays with them, but her partner's parents are there every year and live in the next neighborhood. I don't understand. Any suggestions? -- MISSING HER IN TEXAS

DEAR MISSING HER: I do have one. If the three of you can decide to be civil with each other during a visit, tell your daughter you would be willing to stay in a hotel while you're there. Frankly, it might be more comfortable for everyone if they agree to it.

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 19 years. We are divorced and have no contact. Divorce was a good choice. Now, two years later, I am in love with a new man whom I'll call "Grayson." We have been together for four months, and things are going really well.

Grayson is gentle and loving in every respect. He's the only man who has never raised his hand to me. We do a lot together and never argue. We both work. We have talked about marriage. I have met his family, and I was easily accepted. Is this fate, destiny, and should I say yes? -- STRUGGLING WITH LOVING A MAN

DEAR STRUGGLING: Because you have a history of choosing men who have "raised a hand to you," let me advise you that you and Grayson are in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. It's a little early to be talking about marriage. Whether this is fate or destiny, I can't opine. As to whether you should say yes, assuming he has proposed, you would be wise to have a long engagement to be absolutely sure that gentle, loving Grayson is exactly who he seems to be.

DEAR ABBY: I had been developing feelings for my co-worker/boss. I believed those feelings may have been reciprocated. Then, I was fired because of a conflict with another co-worker. This happened more than a month ago. I still think about the guy from time to time. I would like to reach out and let him know, without it being embarrassing or seeming creepy, but I'm not sure how. I really care about him. -- FORMER EMPLOYEE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR FORMER EMPLOYEE: If your feelings for your former boss had been reciprocated, he would be reaching out to you, which hasn't happened. That said, if you'd like another conversation with him, contact him and ask if he's willing to be a job reference if he's contacted by any prospective employers.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Silver Girl in New York" (Jan. 5), whose husband is making her feel less loved because she decided to not color her hair anymore, this is her decision to make, not his. He needs to grow up.

You advised her to wear a red wig when he is feeling amorous. What were you thinking? So, she is supposed to be uncomfortable in her own home just to make her manchild husband feel better about himself? It is her hair; she can do what she wants with it. I wonder if her husband is some sort of Adonis after 20 years of marriage. I bet not, but she isn't asking him to change things about himself. Women, know your worth! -- TERRI IN IOWA

DEAR TERRI: Interestingly, the "colorful" responses I received about that letter were evenly divided. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Why is "Silver Girl" so against coloring her hair for her husband? He obviously loves her and loves the red hair. When did women get so touchy? We do things for our spouses to show our love. If he were my husband, I'd dye my hair green if he asked. I would love the fact that he loved my hair. "Silver" should remember that there are many ladies out there who would dye-banish the gray for a good man. -- NATURAL REDHEAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: "Silver Girl" recognizes that gray hair ages her appearance. She colored it to appear younger and more competitive in her workplace before she retired. Did she care more about her colleagues' opinions than that of her own husband? Does the fact that it makes him feel older not matter to her? -- "GOLDIE" IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: Of course we all have the right to be who and how we want to be, but many of us, crazy in love with our husbands, go the extra mile to keep their engines running. Knowing they love us AND desire us as much as we do them is a turn-on. "Silver" is lucky her husband expresses himself, although he could use some lessons on finesse. -- ECSTATIC WIFE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: "Silver" was gray-haired when she met her husband. When it comes to body autonomy, we need to please ourselves. If he's having issues with getting older, maybe he should talk to someone about what's causing him to feel that way. Aging gracefully should be the norm, not the exception. -- CAROLE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: In my family, we refer to gray hair as "wisdom highlights." -- SMILING IN MAINE