DEAR ABBY: I haven't had a holiday with my grown daughter, "Charly," since she left the state 12 years ago. When she came out as a lesbian, I wasn't very accepting and didn't handle it well. I have since apologized.

Charly and her partner refuse to visit here unless I allow them to share the same bed in my house. I say they can't tell me what to do in my own home, just as I can't tell them what to do in theirs. I stayed with them once, and they slept in the same bed. Now they no longer invite me to stay there. Charly told me her partner is uncomfortable with anyone staying there.

I haven't spoken to my daughter about their relationship in many years. My heart is broken. I don't get any holidays with them, but her partner's parents are there every year and live in the next neighborhood. I don't understand. Any suggestions? -- MISSING HER IN TEXAS

DEAR MISSING HER: I do have one. If the three of you can decide to be civil with each other during a visit, tell your daughter you would be willing to stay in a hotel while you're there. Frankly, it might be more comfortable for everyone if they agree to it.

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 19 years. We are divorced and have no contact. Divorce was a good choice. Now, two years later, I am in love with a new man whom I'll call "Grayson." We have been together for four months, and things are going really well.

Grayson is gentle and loving in every respect. He's the only man who has never raised his hand to me. We do a lot together and never argue. We both work. We have talked about marriage. I have met his family, and I was easily accepted. Is this fate, destiny, and should I say yes? -- STRUGGLING WITH LOVING A MAN

DEAR STRUGGLING: Because you have a history of choosing men who have "raised a hand to you," let me advise you that you and Grayson are in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. It's a little early to be talking about marriage. Whether this is fate or destiny, I can't opine. As to whether you should say yes, assuming he has proposed, you would be wise to have a long engagement to be absolutely sure that gentle, loving Grayson is exactly who he seems to be.

DEAR ABBY: I had been developing feelings for my co-worker/boss. I believed those feelings may have been reciprocated. Then, I was fired because of a conflict with another co-worker. This happened more than a month ago. I still think about the guy from time to time. I would like to reach out and let him know, without it being embarrassing or seeming creepy, but I'm not sure how. I really care about him. -- FORMER EMPLOYEE IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR FORMER EMPLOYEE: If your feelings for your former boss had been reciprocated, he would be reaching out to you, which hasn't happened. That said, if you'd like another conversation with him, contact him and ask if he's willing to be a job reference if he's contacted by any prospective employers.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Silver Girl in New York" (Jan. 5), whose husband is making her feel less loved because she decided to not color her hair anymore, this is her decision to make, not his. He needs to grow up.

You advised her to wear a red wig when he is feeling amorous. What were you thinking? So, she is supposed to be uncomfortable in her own home just to make her manchild husband feel better about himself? It is her hair; she can do what she wants with it. I wonder if her husband is some sort of Adonis after 20 years of marriage. I bet not, but she isn't asking him to change things about himself. Women, know your worth! -- TERRI IN IOWA

DEAR TERRI: Interestingly, the "colorful" responses I received about that letter were evenly divided. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Why is "Silver Girl" so against coloring her hair for her husband? He obviously loves her and loves the red hair. When did women get so touchy? We do things for our spouses to show our love. If he were my husband, I'd dye my hair green if he asked. I would love the fact that he loved my hair. "Silver" should remember that there are many ladies out there who would dye-banish the gray for a good man. -- NATURAL REDHEAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: "Silver Girl" recognizes that gray hair ages her appearance. She colored it to appear younger and more competitive in her workplace before she retired. Did she care more about her colleagues' opinions than that of her own husband? Does the fact that it makes him feel older not matter to her? -- "GOLDIE" IN NEVADA

DEAR ABBY: Of course we all have the right to be who and how we want to be, but many of us, crazy in love with our husbands, go the extra mile to keep their engines running. Knowing they love us AND desire us as much as we do them is a turn-on. "Silver" is lucky her husband expresses himself, although he could use some lessons on finesse. -- ECSTATIC WIFE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: "Silver" was gray-haired when she met her husband. When it comes to body autonomy, we need to please ourselves. If he's having issues with getting older, maybe he should talk to someone about what's causing him to feel that way. Aging gracefully should be the norm, not the exception. -- CAROLE IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: In my family, we refer to gray hair as "wisdom highlights." -- SMILING IN MAINE

DEAR ABBY: The woman I've been married to for the last 10 years is spending her time away from home. She isn't seeing another man or hanging out in bars. She leaves at any time of the day and goes to the casino. She also plays online throughout the day or evening. She stays out all night until sometimes 8 or 9 o'clock the next morning.

I have tried talking to her calmly -- and I've tried the angry way, too. I've gotten nowhere about this issue. I believe she's being disrespectful, which will lead to the end of our marriage. How can I get through to her that what she's doing isn't good for our relationship? I'm very close to saying "Enough!" and it's time for us to go our separate ways. -- FRUSTRATED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If what your wife is doing affects the financial stability of your marriage, you absolutely have to draw the line. From your description of her activities, your wife is addicted to the rush she gets from gambling. Suggest that she join Gamblers Anonymous for help, and you should explore a support group called Gam-Anon for yourself. However, if that doesn't help, consult an attorney and tell your wife that if she doesn't seek help, you will be forced to separate your finances, even if it means ending the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: My sister has stopped communicating with my parents and me. However, she still maintains contact with members of our extended family. What's strange is that none of us is sure what we did to cause this. We have asked her to share her side of the story, but her reasons keep changing. Sometimes, she says it's because I'm spoiled and get everything; other times, it's because Mom didn't praise her enough. As for Dad, we're not sure why she's upset with him. He's a quiet person who mostly keeps to himself.

At first, I didn't let this bother me much, but as time goes on, I'm starting to feel really upset. Our parents are getting older and could use some support, or at least a friendly conversation. Do you think I'll ever be able to let go of my anger, or will it linger until my parents are no longer with us? -- BAFFLED BROTHER IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR BROTHER: Accept that you can't change your sister. After your parents are gone and it is too late to make amends, your sister may feel guilty for her unwillingness to mend fences with them over their perceived slights. Family counseling might facilitate some healing, but only if everyone is willing to participate.

As to your anger over your sister's behavior, it may take a session or two with a licensed psychotherapist to move beyond it. In the meantime, do the best you can to ensure that your parents know you love them and are grateful for all they have done for you.