DEAR NATALIE: My husband had a short affair about two years ago with someone he met through social media. (Not a dating app). While he and I have worked through our issues and have moved forward together, my friends cannot get beyond it. They think I am “crazy” for staying with him and think he’s “probably still cheating on me because he knows he can get away with it.” It is starting to become a problem within my friend group. There are so many side comments and if I talk with them about any issue we are having, they immediately tell me to leave him. I am not going to do that. I love him. I forgave him. I think he really is remorseful and our relationship has gotten stronger over time and with therapy. How do I get my friends to back off about this? I’m at the point now where I don’t even want to see them. Thoughts? – I’M OVER IT AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO

DEAR I’M OVER IT AND YOU SHOULD BE TOO: Infidelity is not a dealbreaker for every relationship and you don’t owe an explanation to anyone. If you feel confident in your marriage, then that is what matters. But, of course, we want our friends’ approval. Remind yourself that they are coming from a place of love – even if they are overbearing at times. They want you to be appreciated and protected. And while it is nice that they care about you, it is not their place to continually question you and belittle your decision to stay married. If this has continued to escalate, then you need to have a conversation with them the next time you are together. Start by saying that you appreciate their concern and love them all very much, but that the constant questioning of your marriage is not helping anything. In fact, it is making things worse and more uncomfortable. They don’t have to agree with your choice to stay married, but they need to respect it if they want to have a friendship with you. Now, I don’t know the details of the affair or how much you told your friends. I don’t know how often you cried on their shoulder or how long the affair lasted or what exactly happened. But, at a certain point, everyone here needs to take a step back, establish some healthy boundaries and then move forward with respect and understanding of one another. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’m a married woman in my early 30s with an incredible husband. We have two kids and a solid friend group. One of the couples who also have two kids includes a husband who is extremely flirtatious with me. Examples include extra long hugs, extra thoughtfulness around my likes and dislikes, verbal compliments about my appearance, etc. We sometimes text about our shared hobbies and niche interests, which is nice. Despite him being self aware enough to have recognized his generally flirtatious nature in the past, he does not apply said flirtation to everyone. I am noticing my own husband growing increasingly uncomfortable with the vibes here, but I feel like I’m allowed to have a friend who is also a man regardless of the level of flirtation. Am I wrong to appreciate this friendship? Should I be setting boundaries? Multiple conversations with my husband lead to an answer of no, but I don’t want to contribute to the discomfort. I also don’t want his wife to get the wrong idea. What should I do?

– FLIRTY IS FUN UNTIL IT ISN’T

DEAR FLIRTY IS FUN UNTIL IT ISN’T: Time to set some boundaries because if this was starting to impact my marriage, I would have to ask myself why I’m in need of this man’s praise and validation. Is he fulfilling something for you that you aren’t getting in your own marriage? You are absolutely allowed to have a friend who is a man. You are allowed to banter and flirt. But, if it is getting to the point where your husband is noticing, then I bet your friend’s wife notices, too. Once again, not your problem, but why put yourself in the mix here and potentially cause issues that will just make things more difficult for you? Cool it on the texts if the texts are just between the two of you and not in a group chat with your partners. It’s fine to engage with him and share interests, but if he keeps coming in for those extra-long hugs, there’s nothing wrong with you pulling back. When he compliments you, just say thanks and keep it moving. Make it clear that the flirtation is happening mostly one-way so you don’t get caught in the crossfire if his wife decides to vent her frustrations.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: I am a thirty-year-old woman with an odd hobby. I am accomplished, intelligent, attractive and have a very demanding job. I am constantly called on to solve problems and make decisions. I perform ably and eagerly. Nevertheless, I reach points every so often where I need a break. A few years ago I discovered a way to totally relax. I have an old friend who lives around the corner from me that I’ve known since childhood. Every month or two, I ask her over for a special favor. I hand her "the bag" which is filled with cords and kerchiefs and she proceeds to bind me tightly and thoroughly as I lay face down on my bed, hogtied and gagged. I can barely move. (I wear jeans and long sleeves to protect my skin.) This routine takes place in the evening, and she comes by every hour to check on me. I may spend multiple hours like this. Of course, this may seem strange to some. But while I am bound, I have no worries, no decisions, no anything to intrude on me and I feel so utterly relaxed. It's better than a week at a spa. Knowing I can't untie myself, I'm not tempted to try. I just lie still thinking of ocean waves, flower gardens, etc. I feel a really special kind of freedom. It’s total bliss! Usually after the second hour, when my friend comes again to check, I signal her and she frees me. Sometimes, I wait for three hours. I've often wondered if my strange habit is not so strange. It's not something people would talk about but it is very satisfying. Natalie, am I a total weirdo?  – BOUND TO RELAX

DEAR BOUND TO RELAX: No, I don’t think you are a weirdo. There are a lot of people out there – who wouldn’t admit it because our culture is steeped in puritanical nonsense – who also like this kind of activity. Often, you might see this play out between romantic couples. My question isn’t so much about this activity as you enjoy it, it’s consensual and you aren’t hurting anyone. I’m more curious about your friend who is tying you up and then checks on you periodically. This is an incredible level of trust you have with one another. It’s a very intimate and vulnerable thing you are doing, and I wonder if there could be more than “friend” feelings shared between you? Do you think she may be in love with you? Could you possibly be in love with her? I could definitely be misreading this, but I don’t know a lot of platonic friends who are tying each other up like this on a regular basis. Then again – who would share that? So perhaps I’m off base, but I wonder if she is hoping this will turn into something more? Whatever the case, as long as you regularly communicate about what it is that you both want and understand that at any time either of you have the right to end this dynamic, then have fun. I hope you also find some other ways, as well to unwind, like yoga, meditation, dancing, nature walks and – of course – safe, consensual sex if the opportunity presents itself. 

DEAR NATALIE: My son, who is eight years old, said that his best friend’s dad was “taken” by ICE. We live in a very diverse community and since this incident, he has not left my husband’s side. He is terrified that they are going to take his father next, even though we have shared that we are both natural-born citizens, so that likelihood is very low. This didn’t seem to help things and we haven’t been able to get him to sleep in his own bed for a week now. He also doesn’t want his friend to be alone and has invited him over almost everyday. We are, of course, horrified by what is happening and want to support his friend’s family as best that we can while they work with an immigration lawyer to get him back home as soon as possible. I don’t know what to tell my son, but it is starting to impact his quality of life. What can I do as a mother when so much is uncertain right now? I have a hard time finding ways to reassure him when I don’t want to lie to him. – A CONCERNED MOTHER 

DEAR A CONCERNED MOTHER: I wish I had something inspiring to share, but with the way things are looking, it will probably get much worse before it gets any better. So what do we tell our children in moments like these? We tell them that we love them, that we will do everything we can to protect them and that we are here for them. You are doing that. You are also creating space for him to share his fears and concerns, giving him room to express himself. By allowing his friend to spend time with him as much as he wants (within reason, of course) you are showing him the importance of empathy and community. Having his father near him right now is vital to his sense of security, and your husband is doing the right thing by being as available as he can be. I would have him work on a list of things that he can do to feel safe and secure in the home. He can also work on a list of things he can do for his friend to help him feel safe and loved while his dad isn’t there. Perhaps they can draw his father pictures or write letters. Creating space for grieving and healing is so necessary. While you cannot fix the unforgivable and unnecessary cruelty playing out in our communities right now, your example of compassion shows your son how to be there for others. This message of love and unity will carry with him. I hope his friend’s father comes home very soon.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been in a “throuple” with another person for about seven years now. The three of us recently moved to a new city and we bought them a townhouse next door to ours so that everyone could stay close. We have chosen not to live together – the three of us – because our partner still has a child in the house and their ex did not want them living with all of us. We respect that and everything was going great until recently. Our partner’s child is 16 now and wants to attend a prestigious arts school out of the area. We are all for them exploring their creative side as they are very talented. But our partner does not want them living on their own, away from their parents or from us. We are concerned that this means our partner will leave and that our relationship could fall apart. When I brought this up to our partner, they became adamant about making sure their child was safe and reaffirmed them as their number one priority. Do you think they just want out of the relationship and are unsure of how to do it, especially since we all recently moved? I’m not sure what to think or how to broach the topic. Any advice? –THREE IS THE BEST COMPANY

DEAR THREE IS THE BEST COMPANY: You know what they say about that seven year itch… If I was them, I might be reevaluating my relationship with you and your husband, as well. From their perspective, they don’t have any legal rights or protections in this relationship. Perhaps they feel stuck or want more for themselves at this point. If their situation has changed and they want to prioritize their child’s future, can you really hold them back? You need to have an honest conversation about how your relationship could change if they have to move. It isn’t fair to think that they would be happy with this level of attention and commitment forever. And if this really is just about prioritizing their child’s academic future, then that is also just as valid of a reason to leave. In that case, you may have to figure out creative ways to keep the spark alive… assuming that is what everyone wants.

DEAR NATALIE: I read your letter from “GOOD GRIEF”  last week and find myself in a similar situation. I recently lost a dear friend and my best friend hasn’t really been there for me.  But, the reason that they are being distant is more personal. They never got along with this person for a specific reason, and when I told them that they died, they just kind of stared at me blankly. I have been incredibly sad over this, but what is making it worse is the fact that my best friend is not comforting me in any way. I want to talk about this, but I am feeling as though I will say something hurtful. They are making it all about themselves and forgetting that I am grieving right now. Is it too much to ask me how I’m doing? Or – god forbid – take me out for a cup of tea to talk? – COMFORT ME

DEAR COMFORT ME: What is it lately with people lacking empathy? You’re right – this isn’t about them. Like I said in last week’s letter, you don't have to justify your grief to anyone, especially to a close friend. But what you should expect from a friend, at the bare minimum, is compassion. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t get along with this person. It sounds as though they are almost jealous of them, which is weird considering that they are dead. Instead of projecting their weird insecurities, they need to pull it together and show up for you as a friend. Otherwise, what are they doing?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear