DEAR NATALIE: I am a thirty-year-old woman with an odd hobby. I am accomplished, intelligent, attractive and have a very demanding job. I am constantly called on to solve problems and make decisions. I perform ably and eagerly. Nevertheless, I reach points every so often where I need a break. A few years ago I discovered a way to totally relax. I have an old friend who lives around the corner from me that I’ve known since childhood. Every month or two, I ask her over for a special favor. I hand her "the bag" which is filled with cords and kerchiefs and she proceeds to bind me tightly and thoroughly as I lay face down on my bed, hogtied and gagged. I can barely move. (I wear jeans and long sleeves to protect my skin.) This routine takes place in the evening, and she comes by every hour to check on me. I may spend multiple hours like this. Of course, this may seem strange to some. But while I am bound, I have no worries, no decisions, no anything to intrude on me and I feel so utterly relaxed. It's better than a week at a spa. Knowing I can't untie myself, I'm not tempted to try. I just lie still thinking of ocean waves, flower gardens, etc. I feel a really special kind of freedom. It’s total bliss! Usually after the second hour, when my friend comes again to check, I signal her and she frees me. Sometimes, I wait for three hours. I've often wondered if my strange habit is not so strange. It's not something people would talk about but it is very satisfying. Natalie, am I a total weirdo?  – BOUND TO RELAX

DEAR BOUND TO RELAX: No, I don’t think you are a weirdo. There are a lot of people out there – who wouldn’t admit it because our culture is steeped in puritanical nonsense – who also like this kind of activity. Often, you might see this play out between romantic couples. My question isn’t so much about this activity as you enjoy it, it’s consensual and you aren’t hurting anyone. I’m more curious about your friend who is tying you up and then checks on you periodically. This is an incredible level of trust you have with one another. It’s a very intimate and vulnerable thing you are doing, and I wonder if there could be more than “friend” feelings shared between you? Do you think she may be in love with you? Could you possibly be in love with her? I could definitely be misreading this, but I don’t know a lot of platonic friends who are tying each other up like this on a regular basis. Then again – who would share that? So perhaps I’m off base, but I wonder if she is hoping this will turn into something more? Whatever the case, as long as you regularly communicate about what it is that you both want and understand that at any time either of you have the right to end this dynamic, then have fun. I hope you also find some other ways, as well to unwind, like yoga, meditation, dancing, nature walks and – of course – safe, consensual sex if the opportunity presents itself. 

DEAR NATALIE: My son, who is eight years old, said that his best friend’s dad was “taken” by ICE. We live in a very diverse community and since this incident, he has not left my husband’s side. He is terrified that they are going to take his father next, even though we have shared that we are both natural-born citizens, so that likelihood is very low. This didn’t seem to help things and we haven’t been able to get him to sleep in his own bed for a week now. He also doesn’t want his friend to be alone and has invited him over almost everyday. We are, of course, horrified by what is happening and want to support his friend’s family as best that we can while they work with an immigration lawyer to get him back home as soon as possible. I don’t know what to tell my son, but it is starting to impact his quality of life. What can I do as a mother when so much is uncertain right now? I have a hard time finding ways to reassure him when I don’t want to lie to him. – A CONCERNED MOTHER 

DEAR A CONCERNED MOTHER: I wish I had something inspiring to share, but with the way things are looking, it will probably get much worse before it gets any better. So what do we tell our children in moments like these? We tell them that we love them, that we will do everything we can to protect them and that we are here for them. You are doing that. You are also creating space for him to share his fears and concerns, giving him room to express himself. By allowing his friend to spend time with him as much as he wants (within reason, of course) you are showing him the importance of empathy and community. Having his father near him right now is vital to his sense of security, and your husband is doing the right thing by being as available as he can be. I would have him work on a list of things that he can do to feel safe and secure in the home. He can also work on a list of things he can do for his friend to help him feel safe and loved while his dad isn’t there. Perhaps they can draw his father pictures or write letters. Creating space for grieving and healing is so necessary. While you cannot fix the unforgivable and unnecessary cruelty playing out in our communities right now, your example of compassion shows your son how to be there for others. This message of love and unity will carry with him. I hope his friend’s father comes home very soon.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been in a “throuple” with another person for about seven years now. The three of us recently moved to a new city and we bought them a townhouse next door to ours so that everyone could stay close. We have chosen not to live together – the three of us – because our partner still has a child in the house and their ex did not want them living with all of us. We respect that and everything was going great until recently. Our partner’s child is 16 now and wants to attend a prestigious arts school out of the area. We are all for them exploring their creative side as they are very talented. But our partner does not want them living on their own, away from their parents or from us. We are concerned that this means our partner will leave and that our relationship could fall apart. When I brought this up to our partner, they became adamant about making sure their child was safe and reaffirmed them as their number one priority. Do you think they just want out of the relationship and are unsure of how to do it, especially since we all recently moved? I’m not sure what to think or how to broach the topic. Any advice? –THREE IS THE BEST COMPANY

DEAR THREE IS THE BEST COMPANY: You know what they say about that seven year itch… If I was them, I might be reevaluating my relationship with you and your husband, as well. From their perspective, they don’t have any legal rights or protections in this relationship. Perhaps they feel stuck or want more for themselves at this point. If their situation has changed and they want to prioritize their child’s future, can you really hold them back? You need to have an honest conversation about how your relationship could change if they have to move. It isn’t fair to think that they would be happy with this level of attention and commitment forever. And if this really is just about prioritizing their child’s academic future, then that is also just as valid of a reason to leave. In that case, you may have to figure out creative ways to keep the spark alive… assuming that is what everyone wants.

DEAR NATALIE: I read your letter from “GOOD GRIEF”  last week and find myself in a similar situation. I recently lost a dear friend and my best friend hasn’t really been there for me.  But, the reason that they are being distant is more personal. They never got along with this person for a specific reason, and when I told them that they died, they just kind of stared at me blankly. I have been incredibly sad over this, but what is making it worse is the fact that my best friend is not comforting me in any way. I want to talk about this, but I am feeling as though I will say something hurtful. They are making it all about themselves and forgetting that I am grieving right now. Is it too much to ask me how I’m doing? Or – god forbid – take me out for a cup of tea to talk? – COMFORT ME

DEAR COMFORT ME: What is it lately with people lacking empathy? You’re right – this isn’t about them. Like I said in last week’s letter, you don't have to justify your grief to anyone, especially to a close friend. But what you should expect from a friend, at the bare minimum, is compassion. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t get along with this person. It sounds as though they are almost jealous of them, which is weird considering that they are dead. Instead of projecting their weird insecurities, they need to pull it together and show up for you as a friend. Otherwise, what are they doing?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

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DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and I are very competitive. Usually, it is all in good fun. But, we are both in the process of going through divorces and no matter what I say, she feels like she has to “one up” me. If my soon-to-be ex-husband’s lawyer does something to me, then she has to say that hers did something worse. I even caught her lying about a few things when I pressed her on them. This should be a time where we can lean on each other, but instead, I find myself unable to share anything that is going on for fear she will either belittle it or try and embellish what is happening with her to make everyone feel “worse for her.” It’s gotten so bad that some of my friends have shared how uncomfortable she makes everyone feel. Should I say something? How do I even do that without looking petty? I love her, but this is just getting ridiculous. – DIVORCE FRENEMY

DEAR DIVORCE FRENEMY: Whenever she does this to you again, I would stop her in the moment and just ask her why she feels the need to do this? Share with her what you just shared with me about how it makes you feel. I wouldn’t bring your friends into it, as that will make her deflect from the issue at hand. Sometimes, people don’t even realize how they are behaving until someone brings it to their attention. Try to use specific examples and “I” statements to prevent her from becoming overly defensive. If she continues this behavior, then you may have to take a big step back for a while. You’re going through enough and should have supportive, compassionate friends around you. She needs to either get a grip or take a seat. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost a dear family member and I’ve been having a very hard time dealing with the grief. This person raised me like I was their daughter and I am heartbroken. They were older, in their late 80s, so it wasn’t a “shock” but it still hurts. One of my closest friends recently told me that she doesn’t understand why I am so upset. I should have “expected this” because they “were old.” How do I explain that I need a shoulder to cry on and not a lecture on “letting go?” – GOOD GRIEF

DEAR GOOD GRIEF: You don’t have to justify your grief to anyone, especially to a close friend. It doesn’t matter how old someone is or how unexpected the death is. Grief is a journey that  everyone navigates differently. For your friend to diminish how you feel is abhorrent. The next time that they demean your feelings, stop them in that moment. Tell them that it hurts you deeply when they talk to you like this. Explain that you need love and support right now. If she can’t share in the experience, then take time apart so that you can heal on your own. Any friend who mistreats you when you are going through something so transformative as losing a loved one is no friend at all.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

Follow Natalie on Instagram and TikTok @NatalieBencivenga

Subscribe to her newsletter on Substack: Facts Over Fear