DEAR NATALIE: My husband and I have been in a “throuple” with another person for about seven years now. The three of us recently moved to a new city and we bought them a townhouse next door to ours so that everyone could stay close. We have chosen not to live together – the three of us – because our partner still has a child in the house and their ex did not want them living with all of us. We respect that and everything was going great until recently. Our partner’s child is 16 now and wants to attend a prestigious arts school out of the area. We are all for them exploring their creative side as they are very talented. But our partner does not want them living on their own, away from their parents or from us. We are concerned that this means our partner will leave and that our relationship could fall apart. When I brought this up to our partner, they became adamant about making sure their child was safe and reaffirmed them as their number one priority. Do you think they just want out of the relationship and are unsure of how to do it, especially since we all recently moved? I’m not sure what to think or how to broach the topic. Any advice? –THREE IS THE BEST COMPANY

DEAR THREE IS THE BEST COMPANY: You know what they say about that seven year itch… If I was them, I might be reevaluating my relationship with you and your husband, as well. From their perspective, they don’t have any legal rights or protections in this relationship. Perhaps they feel stuck or want more for themselves at this point. If their situation has changed and they want to prioritize their child’s future, can you really hold them back? You need to have an honest conversation about how your relationship could change if they have to move. It isn’t fair to think that they would be happy with this level of attention and commitment forever. And if this really is just about prioritizing their child’s academic future, then that is also just as valid of a reason to leave. In that case, you may have to figure out creative ways to keep the spark alive… assuming that is what everyone wants.

DEAR NATALIE: I read your letter from “GOOD GRIEF”  last week and find myself in a similar situation. I recently lost a dear friend and my best friend hasn’t really been there for me.  But, the reason that they are being distant is more personal. They never got along with this person for a specific reason, and when I told them that they died, they just kind of stared at me blankly. I have been incredibly sad over this, but what is making it worse is the fact that my best friend is not comforting me in any way. I want to talk about this, but I am feeling as though I will say something hurtful. They are making it all about themselves and forgetting that I am grieving right now. Is it too much to ask me how I’m doing? Or – god forbid – take me out for a cup of tea to talk? – COMFORT ME

DEAR COMFORT ME: What is it lately with people lacking empathy? You’re right – this isn’t about them. Like I said in last week’s letter, you don't have to justify your grief to anyone, especially to a close friend. But what you should expect from a friend, at the bare minimum, is compassion. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t get along with this person. It sounds as though they are almost jealous of them, which is weird considering that they are dead. Instead of projecting their weird insecurities, they need to pull it together and show up for you as a friend. Otherwise, what are they doing?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

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DEAR NATALIE: My best friend and I are very competitive. Usually, it is all in good fun. But, we are both in the process of going through divorces and no matter what I say, she feels like she has to “one up” me. If my soon-to-be ex-husband’s lawyer does something to me, then she has to say that hers did something worse. I even caught her lying about a few things when I pressed her on them. This should be a time where we can lean on each other, but instead, I find myself unable to share anything that is going on for fear she will either belittle it or try and embellish what is happening with her to make everyone feel “worse for her.” It’s gotten so bad that some of my friends have shared how uncomfortable she makes everyone feel. Should I say something? How do I even do that without looking petty? I love her, but this is just getting ridiculous. – DIVORCE FRENEMY

DEAR DIVORCE FRENEMY: Whenever she does this to you again, I would stop her in the moment and just ask her why she feels the need to do this? Share with her what you just shared with me about how it makes you feel. I wouldn’t bring your friends into it, as that will make her deflect from the issue at hand. Sometimes, people don’t even realize how they are behaving until someone brings it to their attention. Try to use specific examples and “I” statements to prevent her from becoming overly defensive. If she continues this behavior, then you may have to take a big step back for a while. You’re going through enough and should have supportive, compassionate friends around you. She needs to either get a grip or take a seat. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost a dear family member and I’ve been having a very hard time dealing with the grief. This person raised me like I was their daughter and I am heartbroken. They were older, in their late 80s, so it wasn’t a “shock” but it still hurts. One of my closest friends recently told me that she doesn’t understand why I am so upset. I should have “expected this” because they “were old.” How do I explain that I need a shoulder to cry on and not a lecture on “letting go?” – GOOD GRIEF

DEAR GOOD GRIEF: You don’t have to justify your grief to anyone, especially to a close friend. It doesn’t matter how old someone is or how unexpected the death is. Grief is a journey that  everyone navigates differently. For your friend to diminish how you feel is abhorrent. The next time that they demean your feelings, stop them in that moment. Tell them that it hurts you deeply when they talk to you like this. Explain that you need love and support right now. If she can’t share in the experience, then take time apart so that you can heal on your own. Any friend who mistreats you when you are going through something so transformative as losing a loved one is no friend at all.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

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DEAR NATALIE: My mom does everything for my younger brother. He lives at home but doesn’t need to. He has a great job in finance (makes more money than me!) and doesn’t seem to have any desire to leave. Mom does everything for him. After my dad died a few years back, I think she’s been lost and lonely. He takes advantage of that. Every time I tell her that she would be better off traveling, having fun with her friends and living her life to the fullest, she uses my “poor brother” as an excuse. “He needs me,” she says. She claims because he doesn’t have a girlfriend, she has to help him. What can I do as the older sister here? I want to scream. –MAMA’S BOY

DEAR MAMA’S BOY: Have you tried mercilessly mocking him when you are around? All kidding aside, the situation is never going to get better unless mom puts her foot down. Why would he leave a place where he is treated like a little prince? This is possibly why he is single, by the way. No woman wants to cook for, clean for and baby a man – and then be expected to have sex with them. Total. Turnoff. (Sorry tradwives, I said what I said). You could approach this from a different perspective with your mother and tell her that if she keeps coddling him, he’ll never find a wife. Who would want to bring a girl home when he lives with mom – as a choice? Maybe if mom sees that she is inhibiting his ability to start a family, she may change her behavior? However, you absolutely need to have a one-on-one conversation with your brother. He needs to know that while this may seem like a fun time for him, he is actually preventing his mother from living her life. This dynamic helps no one move forward. And as a fellow oldest daughter, why can’t everyone just do what we say? We are rarely wrong. But, alas, sometimes people just have to fall on their faces a hundred times before they try a different path.

DEAR NATALIE: I love my bestie but she is OBSESSED with her body. She has always been thin, but now that the “Ozempic-effect” is a real thing, she wants to drop even more weight. Her doctor refused to give it to her because she obviously doesn’t need it, so she found another way to get it. She has lost even more weight and is constantly complaining that her stomach is bothering her. I told her to stop taking it, but she won’t listen to me. I told her to go to her doctor about her stomach, but she’s afraid the doctor will “be mad” that she took it after telling her not to. I said that’s not what matters. She is a total mess. Any chance you have a way to get through to her? I don’t want to see her suffer, it’s so sad to watch. She’s a lovely person! -O-NO

DEAR O-NO: I wish I could tell you that everything will be better for your friend if she just goes to a doctor for her stomach, but unfortunately, if she is willing to find Ozempic on her own even though it is causing her physical distress, it may not be a simple fix for her. She has some level of disordered eating or body dysmorphia and those issues won’t be cured just by stopping Ozempic. They are the very reasons she sought it out – at any cost. I would continue to gently remind her of her intrinsic value and how you just want her to be healthy and safe. I would continue to be there for her because she may end up needing to go to the hospital. All you can do is be there for her. If and when she realizes that she needs help, encourage her to talk to her doctor to connect her to a mental health specialist that focuses on body issues. But until she is ready to get help, you may just be screaming into the void.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com.

Watch her NEW video series with Pennsylvania Capital Star, Week in Focus: www.penncapital-star.com

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